Roy's Journal

One day in my life I learned that in the same way that at some point in the past we humans didn’t understand how life starts and explained it in terms of a mysterious life force that existed in the universe but now we know that it isn’t like that, that in fact there are systems - complex systems - in place that allow for life to happen, we are in the same situation in what pertains to consciousness - I thought it was something out of this physical world while in fact scientists are demonstrating that it is purely physical and maybe even deterministic - a complex set of physical systems and maybe a chaotic determinism that we can only ever experience as indeterministic - but still nothing more than material. At this point I started asking myself why exactly then do we humans have a consciousness in the first place. Turns out some scientists think we have evolved a consciousness for the same reason we have instincts. We have many different instincts but it all boils down to survival and reproduction (and even reproduction is survival of the genes). Even the fact that we humans are undeniably social - for longer than we have acquired a consciousness even - is because we needed that to survive. We are less weak when we form a pack. So why do I feel so conflicted inside if my biology is so simple and has a single clear goal. I started to think about the religion that had been with me from such an early age and all the morals and the ethics and the beliefs that have accumulated all my life and the inferiority complex that I exhibit when I’m with others and the superiority complex I manifest with I’m by myself and started to understand that I’ve lived more than thirty years of my life without having an actual original thought. I just regurgitated what I picked up from everyone else around me. I started to think that we don’t need that anymore. That our gods were really fake gods of the gaps and that at this point there are very few gaps in what regards to the human being and its condition. I realized that god is indeed dead and that we - more specifically scientists - did indeed kill it and that that’s ok. I thought about a video I had watched about nietzsche and his theory of perspectivism - each human sees things from their own perspectives but that doesn’t mean there isn’t an actual objective reality - and that train of thought lead me to a quote from a movie that appeared to me once by ways of the youtube algorithm after I finished watching yet another video about the teachings of yet another old philosophy - it was from fight club where brad pitt’s character said to norton’s character something along the lines of “self-improvement is masturbation while self-destruction on the other hand…”. Indeed I was learning techniques from these ancient greek philosophies to improve myself but just like masturbation this was nothing more than temporary relief from what was the real issue. I thought about the moments - in all regards perfect - that I had experienced that were tainted by my insecurities and my constant self-conscious thoughts. I realized that it was me that was always on the way. I gave up on philosophies and started focusing only on modern psychology - mainly adlerian psychology - and later started exploring things like the theory of flux. Indeed I had experienced something in the past somewhat like that where time seemed infinite and there was clarity and I was happy for the lack of a better word - a pure and lightweight experience where everything seemed so clear and myself seemed somehow absent of it - and I started trying to mimic that. It was in a birthday party with people that I mostly didn’t know when I started feeling anxious again and worthless that I took refuge next to the children with the excuse of keeping an eye on them. I remembered that while they are not innocent - in some ways vicious and violent - they have this pure honesty - which I now have better word for - being naive and ingenious - and were somehow able to be in a state of marvelous playfulness disconnected from everything else, in the present moment. I realized that I too could be more like that and in this same event I just changed my way of being and realized that people around me suddenly were more in reach - that I had stopped being an actor and suddenly I was able to really connect with people (some of them - others it became even clearer that their sophisticated behavior was serving them some purpose and it looked silly and I wanted no part in it). I became obsessed with removing myself from the situations. I gave up on the self-help philosophies and focused on destroying things that defined me without being too drastic so as to not alarm anyone. I gave up on digital social networks and started analyzing friendships to see which were real and which were mutual-ego-masturbation. I understood that many projects I contributed to were not altruistic like I made it look like but actually self centered - the positive benefits they had on society were a byproduct but not the actual goal. I could now continue doing the same exact things I was doing but now with the clarity of purer intentions. As I started to change, my close relationships started reshaping and common problems started disappearing very rapidly. It was surprising how it looked like my partner and family suddenly changed to this happier and simpler and opener version of themselves. I was the problem all along and I understand now the meaning of the saying that you can only change others by changing yourself. In this process I also started to become more interested in others not for the sake of manipulating them or because it felt like that’s what they wanted me to do but because I was genuinely interested in them - I could only think about others once I stopped thinking about myself all the time. It’s not all roses though. I’m not free or actually free or virtually free. Even just today I was lunching with a former colleague and his coworker and they started asking some specifics about my current job and I didn’t know so I started babbling nonsense and full of anxiety and physically blushing and sweating and on the way home I just asked myself “what the hell happened” and what happened was that I wasn’t honest. I could have simply said “I have no idea” and that was fine because that’s a fact and because no one cares. It doesn’t matter and that isn’t who I am and it doesn’t matter who I am it only matters what I am which is a decaying physical body which may seem depressing but is not because while my time on earth is limited I have nothing else that I’m required to accomplish or that I need to do in my life so I have all the time in my life to enjoy what surrounds me and it is such a wonderful day today!

Ps: needless to say that these realizations were only possible because at some point I stumbled upon this website actualfreedom.com.au and the writings of a man named Richard but more importantly the writings of a woman named Vineeto which connected with me in a way like nothing I’ve read before. I wish I could be physically near her so I could hug her and thank her. But at first I read the website only to dismiss it completely - it happened multiple times. Somehow - as meaningful these writings were - I felt the need to reject them. But later, experiences would always lead me to realize things that had been written on the website in clear and simple words all along. Now I’ve spent many hours reading the pages yet it seems it is never ending and that I’ve only scratched the surface - seems like I’ve only read 1%. I think it is taking me longer because I’m not always ready to understand what is being said. I keep reading the same pages but I focus on different aspects of it every time. Now I’m a bit worried that once I read new things on the website I’ll disagree with them but of course that may happen and it’s fine. I’ve had some glimpses of it in this forum when I skimmed through some discussions about politics and climate change and smoking (?) - facts are facts but it takes a lot of time and energy to do the research and so I’m not interested in dedicating time right now to those topics. And of course we are humans and most of us not free - to make things worse - and I’m wrong so many times and so I can be again and others can also be too and that’s fine because this is not a cult and I can and must make up my own mind about things and think for myself - thankfully, gone is the time that I wasn’t aware that was the case.

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Hi @roy welcome to the forum!

It’s so nice to read your post which clearly shows your sincere desire to discover and understand the facts of life.

This is a great thing to discover, and the more you begin to investigate the various aspects of ‘human wisdom’ you will see that no area is exempt from essentially parroting ancient nonsense, including philosophy, psychology, sociology, science etc.

It should be Richard to be credited with once and for all ‘killing god’ :grin: He was the one to dissolve the altered state of consciousness and proceed as a first genuine atheist into Terra Actualis. Most scientists who identify themselves as atheists themselves exist in a worldview that was spawned from spiritual belief, even whilst fighting against it.
Furthermore whilst identifying as atheists, they themselves still have a soul, or to be more precise they are their soul, which is what ‘being’ a feeling being inhabiting a flesh and blood body is all about. As long as the soul persists illusion/delusion will persist in some degree, hence it took Richard to dissolve both the ego and the soul to put a genuine end to God in any of ‘his’ permutations.

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Thanks for your reply @Kub933! It took me back to the website to re-read the definition of soul in the glossary and I ended up finding a page there that I hadn’t read before written by feeling-being Peter about the soul. I usually dislike words like ego and soul because they are filled with different meanings for different people but I guess it is that way with every word. Having said that I am grateful for the work of Richard and others that compiled all this information - it must have taken a lot of effort and dedication to explain all of it in a way that is suitable to an audience as large as the human race. Many times the reason I end up disagreeing with the things I read ends up being because I am giving them different meanings related to my experience. I have come to realize that two people can be disagreeing about a topic and turns out they are communicating the exact same idea but in ways that seem contradictory and no matter how many dictionaries we have or how many words we use to define each word we simply don’t all share the same understanding of what those words mean. The importance of words and their meanings becomes even clearer when we think about the fact that most of us think in words - verbal language. How can my thoughts be clear if I’m using unclear language in the first place? And yet as imperfect as verbal language may be we’ve nothing better to replace it with. The way I work around it is by reading - and reading again - until the meaning sticks and concepts become clearer and I continue working from there.

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Yes and actualism being something entirely new to human experience it requires a rather precise vocabulary to accurately convey. This is something you will find Richard was certainly an expert at!
Yet being meticulous with one’s words is an expression of caring and consideration for one’s fellow human beings, as there is enough confusion going around already.

Bearing in mind that the words describing actuality are words describing that which genuinely/factually exists whereas words describing ‘reality’ are describing a vast illusory construct where ‘humanity’ exists, then it certainly makes sense to put great care and consideration into one’s writing.

The words soul and ego are used as they are familiar to most people from various walks of life. They refer to the make up of one’s identity - the ‘thinker’ in the head and the ‘feeling being’ in the heart. Regardless of one’s views (whether one identities as a spiritualist or a materialist) the fact remains that a ‘normal’ human being not only has a soul and ego but they are ‘their’ soul and ego (a ‘thinker’ in the head and a ‘feeling being’ in the heart).

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Hi @Roy,

Welcome to the forum, I do enjoy your introduction.

Ps: needless to say that these realizations were only possible because at some point I stumbled upon this website actualfreedom.com.au and the writings of a man named Richard but more importantly the writings of a woman named Vineeto which connected with me in a way like nothing I’ve read before. I wish I could be physically near her so I could hug her and thank her.

Thank you for your appreciation for ‘Vineeto’s’ writings. When I became actually free I was consequently quite suss of the words feeling being ‘Vineeto’ had written, and not sure if they were not misleading, so I am pleased you found them useful. Keep in mind though that they were written by a feeling being and thus could contain inaccurate information as well as helpful hints.

But at first I read the website only to dismiss it completely – it happened multiple times. Somehow – as meaningful these writings were – I felt the need to reject them. But later, experiences would always lead me to realize things that had been written on the website in clear and simple words all along.

I do like your honesty and sense of humour … and your persistence to come back to reading again after first dismissals. It bodes well for your further discoveries about of how to even more enjoy and appreciate being alive. (link)

Now I’ve spent many hours reading the pages yet it seems it is never ending and that I’ve only scratched the surface - seems like I’ve only read 1%. I think it is taking me longer because I’m not always ready to understand what is being said. I keep reading the same pages but I focus on different aspects of it every time. Now I’m a bit worried that once I read new things on the website I’ll disagree with them but of course that may happen and it’s fine.

It does serve you well to read Richard’s words more than once, there is so much to discover that is new to human consciousness. ‘Vineeto’ used to say that after the first few weeks of listening to Richard, reading his words, especially regarding the effects of any and all attempts to fit this totally new paradigm into ‘her’ existing mindset were having, ‘she’ explained to Richard the process as being … (1.) as if ‘her’ brain was being turned upside-down … and how (2.) ‘she’ was having to relearn how to think all over again.

So yes, it often took ‘her’ a few repeated readings of his words before it clicked and often ‘she’ would find new insights and unexpected gems. That is one of the reasons why you will find many repetitions on the website.

I can and must make up my own mind about things and think for myself – thankfully, gone is the time that I wasn’t aware that was the case.

Oh yes, that is essential, and the best way to do this is to verify it with you own experiential understanding. I remember well that a lot of things fell into place when ‘Vineeto’ had ‘her’ first major pure consciousness experience (link), it was the essential breakthrough to be able to begin to “think for myself” in regards to the radical, life-changing third alternative of actuality that was being presented in contrast to being either spiritual or materialistic.

Let me know if you would like some clarification on anything written on the AFT website, I am probably the only person, who has read everything Richard has ever written.

Cheers Vineeto

PS: I just re-read the first part of your introduction and it occurred to me that you might be interested in this correspondence (Mark) who had similar intelligent questions as you reported.

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Wow doesn’t that put the caring and consideration into perspective! I think most of us here can appreciate what an enormous amount of information that is to go over :exploding_head:

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Vineeto: Let me know if you would like some clarification on anything written on the AFT website, I am probably the only person, who has read everything Richard has ever written.

Kuba: Wow doesn’t that put the caring and consideration into perspective! I think most of us here can appreciate what an enormous amount of information that is to go over

Hi @Kuba,

I appreciate you saying this. You probably have a point but I didn’t or don’t experience it that way, lol.

The first time ‘I’ read his words online when they came into my mailbox and ‘I’ was always vitally interested what he would say next. Then ‘I’ read them again when ‘I’ posted them on the website (after a while Richard had ceded that job to ‘me’ as he was too busy writing). When Richard went to India for 6 months I went through a lot of his writing again (creating tooltips instead of the multiple footnotes) because I was somewhat puzzled after becoming actually free while some essential qualities he had reported/ described were missing (not being fully free yet).

And nowadays, after Richard’s death, it’s my favourite past-time to read the website again, finding suitable quotes or just gems and enjoying the brilliance and to-the-point replies he gave to his respondents. Of course, caring is part of the enjoyment, it comes with the territory (of Terra Actualis). :blush:

Cheers Vineeto

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Thank you again both for your comments @Kub933 and @Vineeto! I’m a bit behind my readings but I look forward to reading that correspondence with Mark once I have some quiet time alone again. I’ll leave this here which I wrote this morning:

For reasons that are not relevant, some days ago I had to climb to a roof with my father and I started shaking and my heart started racing. My father noticed this and asked since when was I afraid of heights because he knows that when I was a child I loved climbing trees and being in high places had never been an issue. Indeed I asked myself the same question! Somehow I became an adult with fear of heights. The next day we once again had to climb to the roof but this time I was prepared - I remembered a report from feeling being Vineeto and I was determined to simply observe what my mind would do this time and for my surprise it simply… didn’t do anything. The trembling and the heart racing didn’t even start and it was as if I was taking a walk in the park. This was yet another experience where it was obvious that my mind was sabotaging me to keep me from moving forward - to force me to be in a place of sameness. This culminated in these two recurring thoughts: (1) there’s a world out there beyond me and the reason I can’t reach it is simply because my mind doesn’t want me to; (2) this doesn’t only happen to me - each person is an evolved animal that is suffering from this same condition and this is hurting us all - it is the underlying cause of human suffering and I sensed some urgency because I truly believe we collectively need to understand that we need to take this leap and become free of the human condition because otherwise this big brain of ours will continue taking us in this path of war against each other and against earth itself until we become extinct.

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Thanks for posting @roy, I will just highlight the below as there is some of that ‘human wisdom’ which needs to be put under the microscope there :

This is the kind of flavour of evolutionary psychology that would deem the mind/brain to be at fault, as it evolved only to serve our brute survival and reproduction.

Interestingly enough it is actually the other way around! It is not the mind/brain leading ‘us’ (humanity) astray. Rather it is ‘me’ (the identity) which is as if a parasite inhabiting this flesh and blood body and thus leading this mind/brain astray. In a PCE ‘I’ go into abeyance and then finally this mind/brain is able to operate freely, with amazing clarity.

So in actualism it is not the mind/brain that needs to change, rather it is ‘me’ that is discovered to be the cause of all the problems.

Richard wrote that the identity is extremely cunning, and what better way to hide ‘myself’ than to reverse the order of operations, then the blame can be shifted where ‘I’ cannot be found.

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I get what you are saying! I finally finished reading the article Vineeto linked to, the correspondence with Mark and it found it to be very insightful too. Thanks again.

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