One day in my life I learned that in the same way that at some point in the past we humans didn’t understand how life starts and explained it in terms of a mysterious life force that existed in the universe but now we know that it isn’t like that, that in fact there are systems - complex systems - in place that allow for life to happen, we are in the same situation in what pertains to consciousness - I thought it was something out of this physical world while in fact scientists are demonstrating that it is purely physical and maybe even deterministic - a complex set of physical systems and maybe a chaotic determinism that we can only ever experience as indeterministic - but still nothing more than material. At this point I started asking myself why exactly then do we humans have a consciousness in the first place. Turns out some scientists think we have evolved a consciousness for the same reason we have instincts. We have many different instincts but it all boils down to survival and reproduction (and even reproduction is survival of the genes). Even the fact that we humans are undeniably social - for longer than we have acquired a consciousness even - is because we needed that to survive. We are less weak when we form a pack. So why do I feel so conflicted inside if my biology is so simple and has a single clear goal. I started to think about the religion that had been with me from such an early age and all the morals and the ethics and the beliefs that have accumulated all my life and the inferiority complex that I exhibit when I’m with others and the superiority complex I manifest with I’m by myself and started to understand that I’ve lived more than thirty years of my life without having an actual original thought. I just regurgitated what I picked up from everyone else around me. I started to think that we don’t need that anymore. That our gods were really fake gods of the gaps and that at this point there are very few gaps in what regards to the human being and its condition. I realized that god is indeed dead and that we - more specifically scientists - did indeed kill it and that that’s ok. I thought about a video I had watched about nietzsche and his theory of perspectivism - each human sees things from their own perspectives but that doesn’t mean there isn’t an actual objective reality - and that train of thought lead me to a quote from a movie that appeared to me once by ways of the youtube algorithm after I finished watching yet another video about the teachings of yet another old philosophy - it was from fight club where brad pitt’s character said to norton’s character something along the lines of “self-improvement is masturbation while self-destruction on the other hand…”. Indeed I was learning techniques from these ancient greek philosophies to improve myself but just like masturbation this was nothing more than temporary relief from what was the real issue. I thought about the moments - in all regards perfect - that I had experienced that were tainted by my insecurities and my constant self-conscious thoughts. I realized that it was me that was always on the way. I gave up on philosophies and started focusing only on modern psychology - mainly adlerian psychology - and later started exploring things like the theory of flux. Indeed I had experienced something in the past somewhat like that where time seemed infinite and there was clarity and I was happy for the lack of a better word - a pure and lightweight experience where everything seemed so clear and myself seemed somehow absent of it - and I started trying to mimic that. It was in a birthday party with people that I mostly didn’t know when I started feeling anxious again and worthless that I took refuge next to the children with the excuse of keeping an eye on them. I remembered that while they are not innocent - in some ways vicious and violent - they have this pure honesty - which I now have better word for - being naive and ingenious - and were somehow able to be in a state of marvelous playfulness disconnected from everything else, in the present moment. I realized that I too could be more like that and in this same event I just changed my way of being and realized that people around me suddenly were more in reach - that I had stopped being an actor and suddenly I was able to really connect with people (some of them - others it became even clearer that their sophisticated behavior was serving them some purpose and it looked silly and I wanted no part in it). I became obsessed with removing myself from the situations. I gave up on the self-help philosophies and focused on destroying things that defined me without being too drastic so as to not alarm anyone. I gave up on digital social networks and started analyzing friendships to see which were real and which were mutual-ego-masturbation. I understood that many projects I contributed to were not altruistic like I made it look like but actually self centered - the positive benefits they had on society were a byproduct but not the actual goal. I could now continue doing the same exact things I was doing but now with the clarity of purer intentions. As I started to change, my close relationships started reshaping and common problems started disappearing very rapidly. It was surprising how it looked like my partner and family suddenly changed to this happier and simpler and opener version of themselves. I was the problem all along and I understand now the meaning of the saying that you can only change others by changing yourself. In this process I also started to become more interested in others not for the sake of manipulating them or because it felt like that’s what they wanted me to do but because I was genuinely interested in them - I could only think about others once I stopped thinking about myself all the time. It’s not all roses though. I’m not free or actually free or virtually free. Even just today I was lunching with a former colleague and his coworker and they started asking some specifics about my current job and I didn’t know so I started babbling nonsense and full of anxiety and physically blushing and sweating and on the way home I just asked myself “what the hell happened” and what happened was that I wasn’t honest. I could have simply said “I have no idea” and that was fine because that’s a fact and because no one cares. It doesn’t matter and that isn’t who I am and it doesn’t matter who I am it only matters what I am which is a decaying physical body which may seem depressing but is not because while my time on earth is limited I have nothing else that I’m required to accomplish or that I need to do in my life so I have all the time in my life to enjoy what surrounds me and it is such a wonderful day today!
Ps: needless to say that these realizations were only possible because at some point I stumbled upon this website actualfreedom.com.au and the writings of a man named Richard but more importantly the writings of a woman named Vineeto which connected with me in a way like nothing I’ve read before. I wish I could be physically near her so I could hug her and thank her. But at first I read the website only to dismiss it completely - it happened multiple times. Somehow - as meaningful these writings were - I felt the need to reject them. But later, experiences would always lead me to realize things that had been written on the website in clear and simple words all along. Now I’ve spent many hours reading the pages yet it seems it is never ending and that I’ve only scratched the surface - seems like I’ve only read 1%. I think it is taking me longer because I’m not always ready to understand what is being said. I keep reading the same pages but I focus on different aspects of it every time. Now I’m a bit worried that once I read new things on the website I’ll disagree with them but of course that may happen and it’s fine. I’ve had some glimpses of it in this forum when I skimmed through some discussions about politics and climate change and smoking (?) - facts are facts but it takes a lot of time and energy to do the research and so I’m not interested in dedicating time right now to those topics. And of course we are humans and most of us not free - to make things worse - and I’m wrong so many times and so I can be again and others can also be too and that’s fine because this is not a cult and I can and must make up my own mind about things and think for myself - thankfully, gone is the time that I wasn’t aware that was the case.
He was the one to dissolve the altered state of consciousness and proceed as a first genuine atheist into 
