Hey Matt, welcome to the forum!
I remember having the same kind of experience when first rolling up my sleeves and deciding to apply the actualism method.
All this conditioning seemed like this giant mountain in front of me, and I was to go through each and every piece of the rubble, one by one, until the whole thing was gone
I would read Richards journal where he wrote that one must investigate every belief, theory, custom, moral etc and think that he must be joking or exaggerating for it can’t be possible.
And funnily enough this is exactly what happened in the end, that mountain, one by one got reduced to a rather small pile.
But you don’t have to wait until the end to reap the benefits, they happen incrementally along the way. Because each and every piece of conditioning that falls away makes life that little bit purer and cleaner. And the cool thing is that you don’t have to worry about the ‘big picture’ too much, just the next thing that obviously comes to attention.
I can also relate to this, because if all this conditioning (societal as well as instinctual) is who ‘you’ are, then currently all of your identity is slanted away from the felicitous and innocuous and towards the doom and gloom. A large part of this is simply down to habituation though, it’s just ‘who’ you have been for so long that it has become ‘normal’.
But as you continue to apply the method the scales will begin to tip, you will begin to slant further away from doom and gloom and more spontaneously towards ease and happiness.
Spirituality. Seems like a nice, innocent word. Gives one meaning. Let’s us have a ‘feeling’ that there is something more to our existence other than…um…existence itself. Apparently this blue and green garden, orbiting that ball of light, within the setting of galaxies upon galaxies, set within infinity itself…just isn’t quite good enough.
Even when the the light bulb went off about 17 years ago and the mind finally saw the utter lack of evidence for any fact based spirituality, the beliefs themselves did NOT disappear. They just went deeper. And unbeknownst to ‘me’ the feelings of those former beliefs, still played out in day to day life.
I didn’t believe in God anymore; but a guiding presence was still felt.
I didn’t believe in heaven or hell; but there was still a feeling of “what it?”
I didn’t consciously believe in any of it; but in the sub concious, those former beliefs had free reign. And boy did they wreak their fun.
About 5 years ago eastern spiritualism made itself known to me; Of course! How could ‘I’ be so blind. I’m not a soul…I AM conciousness itself. I am awareness! The totality of all things! I’ve just been playing a game with myself because, well, because eternity can be boring! God had to keep busy after all, and what better game then to become a human!
Enough! The body has had enough of this bs. Even using spirituality as a tool to be free from trauma and the illusions that have been accumulated, is too much. I despise it. The very word makes the stomach tense.
What is this nonsense the vast number of humans use to cope with the actual? Has it worked? Honestly humanity, has this idea of being a separate entity, placed within this incredible universe, actually done ANYTHING “good?”
The question doesn’t even have to be answered!
Look at the so called “holy lands”. To this fucking day, blood runs through and through that paradise. Oh the Lord God most High, must be so very pleased. He just loves the bloodshed. I mean, he sent his own begotten to shed his own.
All so very normal; isnt it?
Is the far east any better? With their beliefs in godhood, attman/brahman, consciousness, and awareness identities? Is there actual peace? Are the people happy? Are they signing and dancing at the feet of the blessed enlightened? How’s all that Buddhist philosophy working out for the poor? Are India’s water ways clear of the literal ‘bull’ shit and human feces? Oh I forgot! They’ll have the next life to do it better. Don’t worry about what’s right in front of you… you’ll catch it next time around. Fuckers.
I’m over it. I am bloody over it. There is no peace in the peace of God. What a cosmic joke.
I’m seeing the anger. I’ve always repressed it.
How refreshing to have someone new to the forum who has seen spirituality for what it is though! Now it means business, onto becoming free
I came from a spiritual background too (as well as many others on this forum) I had an accidental PCE and ended up going down the dead end of spirituality thinking it would lead me back there but boy did things get worse instead
May I inquire as to what your background was?
I find it mind boggling that more humans haven’t put the peices together. This is our solution to the human condition? To become seperate from the very fabric of existence… and we wonder why we treat eachother, our planet, and ‘our’ very bodies like this?
Even as a tool, a method to free oneself. That’s a medicine that seems more poison then cure.
Yet! The sun still shines. The earth spins. And the birds sing their song. All the while humanity dreams of things that don’t exist.
Blind nature indeed.