So it seems I am back to taking another stab at stepping out from control. So many interesting contemplations going on recently, they all seem to circle back to control.
There is a daring that is building up, because from the position of being an identity, stepping out from control seems a big no no initially.
I feel fundamentally that I am required to keep this body safe, that there is a monster lurking just around the corner, waiting for me to drop my guard. All of the other dramas and constructs are really just products of this struggle.
The tricky thing goes somewhat like this though - from the position of the PCE it is seen with complete certainty that the ‘danger’ was never actual, yet it is me as the identity that dares to step out from control.
I do not have that safety prior to pushing off, even though I know that genuine safety is the inevitable outcome.
I can relate now to what Richard was writing about Vineeto traversing that wall of fear, on the other side is actuality where there was never a danger to begin with, yet it is the identity traversing that very real wall of fear to arrive at its own resolution.
To summarise - It seems ‘I’ must die a very real death, in order to realise that ‘I’ was never actual, what a fascinating/bizarre interplay of danger/utter safety.
Ah and I see why self immolation cannot happen during a PCE. Why self immolation and a PCE are completely different things. A PCE is a brief experience of what it is like to be without a self but in order to self immolate it is ‘me’ who must walk the plank. Seeing the trailer and then committing to live the thing are vastly different events.
So I think a year ago I wrote about going through a period of time with debilitating neck pain caused by grappling. I remember what it was like back then, at first I was deep in despair mode and really struggled feeling good whilst in constant pain.
I’ve just had another re-run with this nerve impingement situation and I am almost constantly in pain and guess what, it’s not stopping me from feeling good. I have been consistently in a good mood whilst in pain, I just no longer see any point in making the situation worse by applying a whole other layer of drama on top of the pain. Even the fact that I can’t sleep etc is not really that big of a deal at the end of the day if I am still feeling good.
I’d rather not have the pain and it certainly affects me in many ways but that’s as far as it goes really, so the method works
That monster is exactly the oblivion of self. It’s not a “thing” . We are not afraid of something, we are simply afraid. We are not holding on to fear, we are simply fear. Or anger. Or desire. Or nurture.
We are not the reaction to some legitimate concern. We are reaction without concern.
Wow this is really quite uncanny, absolute agony and these intermittent flashes of a world where only perfection exists, even the pain is part of that blithesome world.
So looking at this is taking me in an interesting direction. I can see that I have not committed to feeling good each moment again for the rest of my life primarily out of this fear of appearing foolish.
I have continued to uphold the values of reality in some form or another because of this fear. For in order to commit to feeling good each moment again I must commit to rejecting the status quo fully, and of course no longer living the ‘tried and true’ is considered foolish.
So feeling good each moment again, sincerity, naïveté and the fear of appearing foolish all seem connected in an interesting way, this fear of appearing foolish is blocking the others, and boy it looks like if this obstruction is cleared a highway towards purity opens.
The monster is oblivion. Per what @Andrew said. Per what I said, it is the alien spaceship. If I may reinterpret Andrew’s model for my own edification, we are the little child afraid of an unknown monster whom we feel is under our beds and which we only become aware of when the lights go and Mommy or Daddy or leave the room. The funny thing is that the monster is actual. The tragic thing is there is nothing to fear yet our fear keeps ‘us’ safe from it. I think remembering a PCE, like you recently mentioned when you wrote how Actualism can have a magic words or incantations aspect to it, brings the monster out from under the bed and allows the little boy to check it out in broad daylight as often as he wants throughout the day.
Something I have been considering lately,; that there really isn’t a legitimate basis for most if not all of my reactions. I mean, I am so SO ‘me’ , that fundamentally every single reaction is taken to be legitimate.
This relationship is bringing this out very clearly. There is confusion, and this distinct growth towards being a more aware of my own decisions to be unhappy.
This seems like a rather irrelevant development but I’ve noticed lately my eating habits have shifted a lot.
I’ve been catching myself at the end of the day and realising that I haven’t really eaten all day. I tend to have a nice big meal at the end of each day and that’s mostly it. But the crazy thing is that I do alot of exercise and in general tend to stay quite busy, I’ve got plenty of energy for all that I need and I simply don’t get hungry all day.
A big part of this is that I no longer seem to do much emotional eating, I just don’t experience that kind of hunger which is a little like libido, this building drive which needs to be satisfied.
I do wonder how much of this is to do with where I find myself psychologically/psychically, which is a very stable place these days. I wonder if a second component is the amount of calories that normally are spent on stress which nowadays is quite low for me. It’s like if I am feeling good the body seems in a very much coasting state, with not much needed really.
I can also see the kind of strain that I was previously putting on the body with the emotional eating, it feels good for it not to have to process all this extra stuff.
So I’ve noticed this trend many times now, yesterday it clicked that it is a mechanism that swings into action when I get closer to actuality.
I was driving to training and I found myself situated progressively deeper in a world of people, things and events only, at one point it was very cool like this is all there is and this is where this body exists where ‘I’ finally disappear. I arrived there by contemplating a simple question - where does all of ‘my’ life actually happen? I was looking for a genuine location.
This quickly led to the seeing that only the world of people, things and events genuinely exists, it exists in space and time and is experienced sensately, it is so concrete! Whereas ‘my’ life is purely a phantom, it does not exist in space and time, it is made of a substance that cannot be experienced by the senses. It is a ‘substance’ arising merely out of a cloud of confusion.
Then some kind of a worry pops up, one that feels compelling enough to pull me back towards ‘my’ dramas. From there even once the worry is resolved I seem to be obsessed with entertaining doomsday scenarios, I seem to be confident that I will soon die, as in physically die, which gives me reason to cement myself deeper in reality, to protect myself from this danger.
Then this will happen for a little bit and eventually the doomsday scenarios somewhat back off, then I find myself no longer actively moving towards my destiny. I know this place now because it has a certain flavour of despair which is not there at all when pure intent is being allowed (when I am moving closer to my destiny).
And so I can see this cycle now of allowing pure intent → pulling back → settling for second best (buying time) → working up the intent to begin moving towards my destiny again.
The crazy thing is that at times this cycle would last months, I remember a year or two ago after a mad PCE I was in this ‘doomsday’ stage for like 4 months. Then recently I was in that ‘settling for second best’ stage for a good few months also.
So I was quite happy this morning when I caught myself, I noticed that something was missing and I was ‘buying time’.
Now I need to find out what to do about this exactly, it looks like perhaps the cycle gets smaller and smaller until I decide to commit fully.
Regarding death, this quote by Richard about his rapid way might be applicable to you:
G’day Rick, Sure … first of all, the above conditions are utterly vital – entirely confident/ absolute certainty (PCE) freed of doubt/ absence of choice – else any invocatory destiny will be, at best, fruitless. (At worst … well, fill in your own nightmare/ your own screaming heebie-jeebies scenario).
It seems like some of your heebie-jeebie scenarios might be coming to life. I wonder if you might have some beliefs about death that are worth examining, but just a guess.
I can relate to your situation regarding immolation and also run into this re:PCEs. I’ve found some success in reflecting on the facts around the topic of immolation (dying before physical death). The facts according to reports are: it’s not traumatic, it’s very easy, it’s pleasant, it’s the best thing they’ve ever done for themselves, it’s safe, and likely more. Considering these facts makes the fear start to seem silly. Then, when I ask myself “What am I really afraid of,” I draw a blank, but it seems like something is on the tip of my tongue.
With the absolute certainty/ total absence of choice of the PCE the invocation of destiny (oblivion/ extinction) is the deadly simple and fascinated contemplation of the fact that, as physical death is the end of ‘being’ anyway, it might as well happen sooner rather than later. (The oblivion/ extinction of ‘being’ at physical death is entirely without benefit in regards peace-on-earth whereas the oblivion/ extinction of ‘being’ at this moment in time is entirely beneficial to the host body and of a facilitatory benefit to all other bodies).
The fascinated contemplation – ‘fascinated’ as in a moth to a flame – morphs into a pure contemplation (as in an apperceptivity) upon it becoming startlingly apparent as an experiential actuality that this moment in time has no duration.
What this means, to an identity for whom time moves (as in past/ present/ future), is that the keep-it-safe extinction of ‘being’ (cunningly projected into some future moment) will be happening now when it does take place. (Time has no duration in actuality; now, being eternal, is already always dynamic in that everything happens now; nothing ever happens in past/ present/ future time).
As now is the way, then now is the means; as now is the means, then now is the end … !Bingo! … it is no longer possible to distinguish between life being lived and life doing the living as any such cause and effect has vanished without a trace (it never was anyway as time, as in past/ present/ future, has no existence in actuality).
This is ‘my’ moment of glory; this is ‘my’ crowning achievement; this makes ‘my’ petty life all worthwhile; this is ‘my’ most noble sacrifice for ‘I’ am what ‘I’ hold most dear; this is ‘my’ legacy for all humankind; ‘my’ reward is to go blessedly into the oblivion ‘I’ have secretly craved all along.
It is the very imminence, of immaculate perfection being the irrevocable actuality, which occasions the pulling-back, turning- away, closing-off, shutting-down, and so on, as only extinction lies ahead. (The way in which a PCE comes about is quite different to how an actual freedom happens: the former occurring via abeyance, of identity in toto/ the entire affective faculty, and the latter via extinction of same).
Indeed, on many an occasion all those years ago (1981) the identity then inhabiting this flesh and blood body pulled-back in alarum, upon the intensity of pleasure reaching such an ever-spiralling momentum as to be mounting exponentially, only to later on chide himself (when back to normal) for not having the intestinal fortitude to have proceeded whilst the vital opportunity was presenting itself.
Put succinctly: this which has been my everyday experiencing for all of seventeen years now – so easily experienceable in a blithe and carefree manner – was discerned back then as being of such a magnitude of intensity that nobody could possibly live that, as an on-going and irrevocable permanency, for more than five-ten minutes at the most … whereupon physical death must surely happen.
(Please remember that abeyance is not extinction; then it might become more clear and less incomprehensible).
I bolded the part that resembles what you’re bumping into.
Nice, those quotes hit hard! It’s just the perfect example of what Richard is trying to accomplish with his writings, to catapult the reader into actuality.
In terms of what I am afraid of, it is specifically this - to physically die prior to becoming actually free. Now I know this fear is a logistical mess for I as self must die for this body to be free, yet this is what the fear is all about, that I run out of time and die along with the body so that the ‘secret of life’ is never penetrated.
Yeah exactly, the interesting thing is this fear is only present when I am not allowing pure intent, because then I know I am not moving closer to my destiny, rather I am sitting back and playing out doomsday scenarios, just wasting time.
Something interesting that I experienced just now that experientially is still quite hazy. I came outside for my morning cigarette and again the cloud of affect kinda peeled back and there was this flavour of actuality. What really stood out was that actuality does have a flavour, just like each emotion has an intrinsic flavour so does actuality.
I’m trying to pinpoint exactly what this flavour is, it’s weird because there is the sensate experience and there is something ‘deeper’ that is intrinsic to it/supports it from underneath? It reminds me of what me and Claudiu wrote a while back about this deeper dimension to a PCE where the nature of infinitude becomes apparent.
This flavour seems to be made up of the utter perfection and benignity of infinitude. But what is interesting is that there is very much a positive/active component to it. As in when Richard describes pure intent as an actually occurring stream of benignity and benevolence.
So materialists would have the universe as fundamentally neutral, like there is just a bunch of stuff. But the flavour is not like that at all, although there is no god to be doing anything active, it’s like the very fabric of actuality is actively perfect and benevolent. So there is no neutrality to actuality, it is actively ‘slanted’ in a certain way, and this is contained within that flavour that is all around, how wonderful!
New childhood memory unlocked It’s so cool because I forgot the existence of this place but now I remember I have been back there in my dreams.
It was back in Poland when I was a little kid, there was a market that me and my friends would venture out to, in Poland kids are given more or less free reign to go anywhere so we would go on all sorts of adventures.
The entrance to the market was like entering this tunnel, it was narrow and had stalls selling all sorts of stuff either side.
There was normal stuff like food and clothes but also things like toy guys, fireworks and this weird sniffing tobacco that we would try to get hold of
It was just a market but I remember what it was like entering the place, it really was like some fairy tale adventure. I remember one day there was a sun eclipse that apparently wasn’t going to happen for another 100 years or something and everyone was looking up at the sun through little bits of plastic, this was like all the excitement I could handle, it was a whole other world of wonder and adventure.
I think this memory has come up today because of the experience in my previous post, because I have been experiencing that same fairy tale ambience.
So I just had the coolest experience ever, it’s kind of hard to put it into words but it seems so obvious when it is seen. Just for a brief moment I could see just what it means that ‘I’ have never existed in the first place.
It’s like for a few seconds I saw life through the eyes of that which is actual only, it’s very obvious that I am this flesh and blood body but then looking back to find ‘me’ it is seen that ‘I’ never was in the first place. And this is what I am struggling to put into words, the extent of ‘my’ non existence, there is just nothing at all to be found or that could be grasped in any way, shape or form.
I don’t know if any words really do it justice because (to a ‘self’ reading these words) everything gives the impression that ‘I’ have some kind of ‘substance’, how else could it be… But truly looking back from that place there was never anything there to begin with.
So I can see actual freedom is to live the fact that I am this flesh and blood body only, that this is all there was all along. And this is what is so utterly freeing and at the same time so plainly obvious, almost matter of fact. What a delightful condition to exist in, with all illusion dispelled only the facts remain and then all is so clear, how could it be any other way!
Oh and I just remembered how it happened that I serendipitously landed in this seeing. I was looking at some plans and schemes that as always I am spinning and I could see how they are just getting in the way and THEN this interesting thought occurred - ‘Why do I care for these when the world ‘I’ exist in is not even genuine’, I guess this triggered the memory of another PCE where it was seem that ‘I’ merely exist in some bubble of illusion that has no actual substance. And so I was catapulted into experiencing this for myself as a fact now, except that I was launched a step further into seeing that ‘I’ never was in the first place lol.
So recently harmlessness has come into my attention and I have been exploring it today. One of the observations I have made is that there is a difference between being harmless in a moral/legal sense and being harmless in an actualist sense. I am harmless in a moral/legal sense but I am not harmless in the actualist sense.
An example would be dealing with a disgruntled customer at work. I can act according to the prescribed moral/legal ways, I will say sorry and thank you and I will do my best to help etc and yet I catch myself at the same time delivering a ‘psychic jab’.
This is where the cunning aspect comes in and this is the game that each social identity plays. Because objectively they can never prove it, as far as society is concerned I have behaved as an upstanding citizen.
Yet I feel/know deep down (and so does the other) that the ‘psychic jab’ was delivered.
The other interesting thing is that unless I am harmless I cannot be sincere. For if I was to be sincere about my malice I would not be acting in accord with the expected ways of society. Sooner or later I would be punished and forced into submission. Which means that for a social identity the only way to remain moral is to continue being cunning, so sincerity is thrown out the window.
As a social identity I live a perverted life, because I have to continue moulding and manipulating how I am seen by society in order to hide this underlying malice, which is there even when I am ‘being good’.
I live with the fear of being found out for the fraud that I am, even though I act in accord with the highest morals, I know that the ‘psychic jab’ was thrown out and so I also know that the other felt it.
Taking all this into consideration it is obvious how this affects intimacy, for how can human beings have genuine intimacy when we are all playing this cunning and malicious game, and this is what it means to be ‘normal’.
This game is also an obstacle to freedom, how can I be enjoying and appreciating when I have to constantly engage with all this extra activity - Making sure I am ‘good’, making sure that I cover my tracks, making sure others see me a certain way, worrying about the retaliation from others, worrying about being found out etc.
There is so much more to write here but the main thing is that in order to be happy I must be harmless, however this harmlessness is not just a moral/legal harmlessness. I can be the most upstanding citizen and still ‘be’ malice, still emit those vibes.
So it is kind of like shifting gears into a whole different standard now, away from merely looking at overt expressions of malice and focusing on all those ‘psychic jabs’ that I am sending out, no matter how small.
There’s something I have been considering lately which is to do with control and lack of fulfilment.
When I am in ‘normal’ mode and busying myself with plans and schemes and attempts at control etc I notice that life is very much like Groundhog Day, it’s just this empty/meaningless/boring repetition of the same old.
There is some fundamental dissatisfaction with life, like it’s missing some vital component, something dynamic.
Of course in a PCE it’s not like that at all but even down the line when I am allowing pure intent and feeling good/great/excellent this bland/empty component is not there either.
What I noticed lately is that this is a drama completely of my own making. Because when in that ‘normal’ mode I apparently yearn for something dynamic, exciting, fresh. Yet at the same time I am the one so obsessed with control, with constantly scripting and trying to play out a ‘future’ of my making.
So I complain that life is an endless repetition of the same old and yet I am the one who insists on playing this game of control, perhaps as some attempt to ‘stay safe’.
So in a sense I am getting exactly what I am wishing for. I want to control and pre-script every aspect of ‘the future’ so that I can live it out in ‘safety’. And it is this habit which makes life bland and repetitive.
So I had this thought the other day - “If I want life to be exciting then why don’t I let the universe surprise me each moment again?”
Why not allow life to happen of its own accord, outside of my script and control. Then I can have the fulfilment I am looking for without having to do any specific activities (which is what I currently do to escape my self-induced blandness)
I remember a while back Srinath wrote about doing nothing and he mentioned that doing nothing is a delight. Right now my MO is that doing nothing is empty and bland, I feel that I am always trying to ‘go somewhere’, I am escaping this blandness and looking for satisfaction in achievements, schemes and dreams.
But Richard mentions in his journal many times that it is the fact of being here which is satisfying, not any specific activity. Whereas I have turned this upside down, I have (through control) made life fundamentally bland and now I seek fulfilment (which is available freely in the ordinary) in some ‘special place’.
Another way to summarise this is something else that Srinarh wrote about the discoveries of an actualist being akin to finding oneself genuinely and unexpectedly laughing at a joke as opposed to planning out the right time and intensity of the laugh as the joke is being told (paraphrasing here haha)
So I see life going in the same way, the way of actuality is the first one, each moment again fascinated to find out just what is happening and the ‘normal way’ is the second one of planning and scripting - standing back.
for I as self must die for this body to be free, yet this is what the fear is all about, that I run out of time and die along with the body so that the ‘secret of life’ is never penetrated.
It’s so cool because I forgot the existence of this place but now I remember I have been back there in my dreams.