You think you know who you are, how the world/universe works, or what it means to be human. But then it dawns on you, I don’t really know anything. Hell, the person I think I really am, turns out to be a nothing more than a whole lot of social/emotional conditioning.
What got me started on this path was the constant suffering. It seems that pain/hurt is my everyday expression and experience of being alive. There’s been little joy, happiness and that feeling that everything is ok, hasnt been felt since early childhood.
Where to start?
Traumatic birth…oh yes.
Religous upbringing… unfortunately so.
Generational mental health issues…yup.
Parent’s marriage difficulties…it toxified the home.
Sexual Identity crisis…ya.
That about sums it up, lol.
So now I am left with a big ol’ pile of feces that I either investigate or continue to sit in, until the end.
I’ve hit my 40th year, and there isn’t much to show for…I lived as a self with grandeous dreams that have only served to distract me from whats actually going on.
Recently I have been applying Richard’s method to see for myself, what makes me tic. Any thought or feeling gets funneled into the 4 instinctual emotions that drive us humans. For instance sexual identity; sex is desire, but coupled with identity I also add fear, because I grew up in a religious and social setting in which anything out side “traditional marriage” was evil and deviant. I quickly learned my survival was contingent on who I expressed sex with. Marriage was a spiritual practice, and to my innocent ears, a commandment from the lord most high.
I do have to practice having an intent…but I am finding this extremely difficult. Allowing myself to feel good, seems antithetical to my “core”.