Leila's journal

i appreciate all of you , for putting time and effort to help “me” in this difficult situation .

these are the things i wrote in my note book regarding this situation :

the first thing i was telling myself was this : when a dog barks at me , i just ignore it . i don’t come home crying , because my psyche does not feel threatened .

1 but " i " was not expecting a " man " talk to " me" like that …
no other men have talked to me like that before ,
receiving " praise" from men either for my looks or etc. , is my " value" , my " chain " , one of my chains …
my " preciousness " has been threatened and placed under question and doubt . and coming from a man made it worse .

2 my identity likes to make everything personal and " i " believe that " i " had an effect on causing something ( blaming myself )
i was blaming myself for not dressing a certain way , or not talking the certain way .
this is my cunning , which is the opposite of " pride ’ of what i wear or how i talk etc .
these are the games " i" play !

3 these are ( the values ) all things that makes me" different ", or " precious " or " worthy "
and i spent so much mental energy on these , i am running these scenarios in my head , instead of putting that energy for EATMOBA

4 why he talked to " me " that way , was what kept " me" in sadness , not allowing feeling good or at least neutral to come …because so much of " me" was at stake and involved .

5 i was " mostly " concerned , if any one else like Frank or other females were there , instead of me , would he yell or talk to them like that ?

6 i am a master of " what ifs"
i like to run scenarios as " what ifs" ?
so many" what ifs" …
which are related to cause and effect

7 if i learn to know myself better
how i blame " myself" ,
how i interpret a situation,
how i entertain so many possibilities
how i keep myself stock emotionally for so many hours
( knowing my chains and hiding places )

8 i realized that all the image or imagination and what ifs , which are greatly preoccupied my mind , and so many different scenarios and possibilities , all of them are a cunning delaying tactics .

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9 and i realized how much i really really need actualism , so please Leila no " delaying tactics" , because things like this will happen again and again !

after reading all of the replies , feeling neutral came , and then to my amazement in less than 24 hours i was feeling great … i could not believe this , Frank could not believe it either , but this is the magic of actualism , for doing the method on daily basis , for 2 years now .

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Isn’t it fascinating how 1 encounter can trigger so many layers of various emotions, beliefs and attitudes.

This reminds me of the example Srinath used on the simple Actualism page, for when a man cuts in front of me in a line. There is the instinctual territoriality, shame for having done nothing, malicious fantasies of revenge, fear of what the opposite sex would have thought of ‘me’ in such a scenario, conflicts arising from pacifist beliefs and so on it goes, from such a simple scenario!

What a joy it is though when you eventually find yourself in a similar situation and… nothing.

I was mentioning this to Sonya the other day after stuffing my face with some awesome food she made, because only a few years ago I was still dealing with the after-effects of my obsessive compulsive eating habits. Basically whenever I would fill up enough that my stomach felt full I would experience this same kind of wave of emotion - fear, shame, sadness etc.

And now absolutely nothing, but it took some chipping away for sure!

This made me think also of the value in ‘getting back on the horse’ ASAP as a first priority, and only then starting to chip away on the thing. Feeling good is so precious and it’s so obvious when feeling good that there is nothing at all worth loosing this freedom over.

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i did not perceived this as a " simple scenario " unfortunately ! it was a shocking scenario , it was very very painful .
someone that i never greet , or just seen him with his dog once or twice!

my identity still kicks , trying to bring up that memory , from the first second to the last , but i catch it .
i don’t know why my mind is starting to play this show , i am telling myself : " leila , is that it ? that was a big and bad thing to happen.
are you going to feel good and not feeling bad for such a painful shocking event ??? this was too much disrespect , if i had done something to them , i could say , ok i deserved those yelling and disrespect , but i did not do anything !

i remember my older aunt came and hit me , when she saw me and my sister arguing .this was unfair and unexpected . i did not do anything . she did not even asked us what is happening and she just started hitting me with that knitting rod!
i was angry and sad for the rest of the day , i was only 10 , and my sister 12 . and after a few hours , my dad came and said to me with laughter: " hahaha leila go and kiss your aunt !!!

so many unfairness, so many hatred , so many malice ,
no wonder there is always grudge ! no wonder there is always war !

i am doing great , i 've been between feeling good and feeling great with some moments of anger !
and i have been having wonderful experiences , in my pce walks .

i am so amazed how for the first time i saw the contrast , the huge contrast between " my world "( human 's world ) and the actual world …
i don’t exactly know what happened , but it is as if , as my mind is getting more pure , the door for purity is opening huge!

in my walks today , i was telling myself , it is as if a new camera have been putting on my brain , i see very differently !

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so many " games " i play !
so many scenarios I chase ( for revenge ) !

i was catching myself hoping that man knowing his mistake ,apologizes from me , i can go back on my broken pedestal again !

i was catching myself wishing something like an earthquake would happen , rescuing that man , being the hero of that man !

i was hoping something bad happens to him physically , so he realizes his mistakes , and how he got punished by his mistake !

i saw my grudge and revenge , and by giving that feeling a name i could see my psyche’s silliness in action .

i saw that man in the park , with some people with their dogs .
eventhough i changed my routine route again , because of a neighbor ,

the feeling good disappeared , i went and isolate myself far from them , sitting on a bench . i felt a mixture of feelings .

i sensed the familiar taste of these feelings that i had experienced before . a memory came up , and the feelings diminished with some burps coming up .
i felt better afterwards .and in my walks back toward home , some more memories were bubbling up . i was not looking for them , they just popped right up !
i am so amazed how this mind is cleaning the emotional memories of hurts and slights, of the pains and spite .

i was seeing that i am expecting from people to like and respect " me " , to be kind and praise " me "…

i was telling myself : people can not even like themselves, they are doubtful and resentful toward themselves …it is like you want attention and respect from some boxes " of malice and sorrow … people are sad and malicious ! people are paranoid and suspicious !

i remembered the other day in my walks , i saw a man ( and i thought ) he is following me !
my back ground being in Iran in a Muslim environment ,where men are always following women , telling them wired things ( harassment ) .

i was surprised by seeing and catching my own suspicious and paranoid ! then , i am as bad , and as sad , and as mad as every one else !
knowing this frees me from “” my chains “” , from my values and my games ! from my dreams and my hopes , from my needs and my greed’s !

seeing my impurity more and more , the contrast between " me " and the actual world !
seeing the gentleness of trees ! the softness of breeze !
the genuineness of the rocks ! the calmness of this moment !
the aliveness of these pavements ! and the vastness of this place !

the textures of the universe are these ! the kindness and friendliness of the universe , that i can reflect back a tiny bit of this in my actions and reactions , toward myself and towards the others !

i was smiling then , i had a big smile on my face , i was mumbling : the destiny is not so far ! " my destiny " … to be the universe experiencing itself !

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adding a few words to the post above ,

i think it is important to examine the feelings like this :

when i saw that man again ,and i felt a mixture of feelings .
what i did is this :

1 i tried to open the package ( the feelings’ package ) , to see what is in there . very important .

2 i saw sadness ,and also feelings of " left out " , as if everybody ( that man with his friends )are having fun, and i am isolating myself here on this bench .

3 this naming the feelings , gave me the clue , and immediately i could
remember more than one occasion where those particular feelings arose .
by doing this a memory came up , and then other memories after that .

4 also i never ever told myself that " i don’t have to feel that way about a situation "

5 never ever i could force myself to feel good or neutral

the point 4 and 5 are very very important if you want to be genuine !and not pretending having feeling good .

genuineness is the key as Richard is saying it . i don’t want to use past tense verb . i feel like he is still alive .

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in my walks yesterday , i was telling myself :
i don’t see any grudge or revenge in the actual world .
i was telling myself : i want to reach my destiny which is innocent , which is kindness , which is patience , gentleness , and all the texture of the universe
i want to be the universe experiencing itself .
i am now the universe experiencing itself , but as a sad and resentful person !
and thinking about my destiny , i felt an energy running through out my body … this energy that in the past couple of month i have been experiencing . the first time i thought i am cold , but as i got familiar with it , i found out , this is something different than being cold , it is maybe that energy “the quickening” , that Vineeto is talking about , in her new writing after Richard passed away .

this energy brings tears to my eyes … and all my body is shaking from inside !

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space x , we saw this last night Sunday night .
we didn’t know what it is …
and it was one of the most beautiful thing i have ever seen in the sky .
on Wednesday night it is going to be another one between 9 to 9 :30

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i have not read this part of Richard 's new writing,
because whenever i had clicked on it , it would not show .
but today it opened , and i was amazed by reading it :

Richard (21st of January, 2016):
Bullying in childhood is all-too-common—the identity inhabiting this flesh-and-blood body all those years ago fell victim to the bully-boys and feisty-femmes due in no small degree to being a particularly sensitive feeling-being—incurring all manner of childhood hurts. Yet, even so, anyone who carries those hurt feelings, no matter how deeply felt, over into adulthood (and stubbornly nurses them in their adult bosom) is surely yet to have earned the title ‘mature adult’.

Speaking personally, the feeling-being inhabiting this flesh-and-blood body all those years ago instantaneously rid ‘himself’ of the bulk of those school-age hurts and slights—whilst sitting out in the sunshine one fine morning, putting pencil to paper in order to finally record those dastardly events for posterity, as per a long-held and cherished ambition to do so at length—via seeing-in-a-flash that, as it was simply not possible to ever physically be a child again (and thus juvenilely susceptible to not only those bully-boys and feisty-femmes but any enabling teachers and principals as well), there was absolutely no need whatsoever to continue nursing them as a carryover grudge. It soon became increasingly apparent, thereafter, how those childhood hurts had been vital to the maintenance of the righteous indignation which fuelled ‘his’ plaints of injustice (a.k.a. ‘unfairness’) and, thus, ‘his’ mission to bring justice (a.k.a. ‘fairness’) to the world.

Also, with the dissolution of those childhood hurts the (deeply felt) need for any aggressive tit-for-tat modus vivendi also vanishes—leaving one free to treat all others as fellow human beings rather than as adversaries to gain dominion over.

:hibiscus:
Thus the identity in situ at the beginning of 1981 went right to the heart of the matter from the get-go. The crux of the issue is that, as each and every identity is a feeling-being at root (i.e., ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’), all identities are hereditarily programmed by blind nature to emotionally-passionally react, instantaneously, to affectively-felt and/or psychically-intuited threats to their existence because, at their very core, it is ‘being’ itself at dire risk (i.e., ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being is ‘being’ itself).

(It is a genetic hangover from long-ago ancestral eras already many millions of years old when sapience emerged around hundred millennia ago—as a boy, a youth, a young man, hunting game in the wild plus interacting daily with domesticated animals, revealed to me how they relied as much, if not more, on what was known generically as a ‘sixth sense’ as upon an acute sense of smell, alert hearing and keen eyesight in order to evade predation—which has become a liability, for modern-day humankind, rather than the asset it once was).

Now, because the pure consciousness experience (PCE)—where ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being is in abeyance (unlike an altered state of consciousness (ASC) where ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being reigns supreme as ‘Being’ itself) for the duration—experientially demonstrates how each and every identity has no existence whatsoever in actuality then any such offensiveness (previously experienced as affective and/or psychic threats to ‘my’ existence and/or to ‘my’ very ‘being’) loses its existential sting and/or no longer has its dire effect.

Indeed, all the rudeness, all the insults, all the slights, and etcetera, soon become rather exquisite aids in ferreting-out any aspects of ‘me’ which have eluded exposure through hands-on inspection up till then (hence my parenthetical remark about the metaphorical ‘wringing it out’ ploy not being necessary, in practice, and my further above observation regarding the absorbability of offensive language and/or offensive gestures being nigh-on infinite in regards quantity).
*
Incidentally, the reason why the nursery-doggerel ‘sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me’ was largely ineffectual in childhood is because truisms such as that do not take into account the affective vibes and psychic currents—transmitted instantaneously via the psychic web connecting all feeling-beings regardless of spatial extension—which are part-and-parcel of the very act of giving offence and/or being offensive and the vital element in the entire giving offence and/or taking offence phenomenon which bedevils life in the ‘real world’.

As I have oft-times said, it is the psychic web where the real power-play takes place. Howsoever, once the practice of not taking offence becomes habituated even the most virulent affective and/or psychic power-play—being thereby recognised for what it is—can thus be weathered with relative ease.

Ha! … being alive is such a fascinating adventure.
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯
(left-clicking the yellow rectangles with the capital ‘U’ opens each in a new web page).

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Could you send me a link to this one? For some reason I can’t find it.

Great find, I had not read it either.

I wrote this yesterday:
On my walks today (my dedication and commitment to enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive) I went from good to great, then all of a sudden my pleasure skyrocketed…like I was eating all the air , buildings, sky and everything around! It took about 10 minutes, while I muttered that the sky has no ceiling!
I was amazed and then snapped out of it! My mouth was wide open!

The night before, a grudge was bothering me when I saw that I was still clinging to it out of pride!
I found myself carrying it like a piece of luggage. But to marvel and to be amazed at the wonder of everything, for naivete to show the simplicity of its face, and to connect with this purity, I have to put down so much of this unnecessary baggage. not carry this grudge with me on this wide and wonderous path !

some notes :

resentments are either long lasting resentment , or momentarily .
but they are usually interconnected.

when i get sick :
long lasting resentment ( beliefs ) about poor health and bad luck for example , but it could be many other things
example for myself : my mom did not feed me good food ,
my dad was stingy
now i know these long standing resentments as " my chains" , which are the cause for me being in a bad mood when i am sick now .

but , seeing these long lasting beliefs which are my chains helps me to allow feeling the ease and calm in the body , and staying in a good mood rather than getting emotional about being sick .

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notes :
self triggers happens because of resentment :
1 not having what i want ( things )
2 or things not being the way i want ( situations)

example : i want that food , i don’t have that food (ex: kabab )
i want respect , i don’t have respect

any desire or values ( good feelings = likes ) are two things .
they are either :
1 things for this body , ( good food , good weather )
2 or things for this psyche , ( getting respect )

and here " things "means conditional feeling good , which i need to see them, so i can progress even more .
they are both imagined by my identity .

examples for things for the body :
i think if i have “kabab” i feel good .and not having it i feel bad .
or if the neighbor respects me i feel good …if not i feel bad .
so by acknowledging this , i don’t have to allow those to become self trigger …
so i can ask myself , a conditional feeling good , either for the body ( you don’t like when the weather is hot or cold ) , or for the psyche ( you don’t like when the neighbor does not greet you

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resentment and expectation
in my walks for the dedication for enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive , i was angry at sister , she complains why i am not asking her how she is , and why i am not talking about what she has done all day long for my mom and dad , and why nobody thanks her … she goes out buying groceries or food , or taking my mom and dad for a visit to a doctor office .
her expectations are so annoying .
and i have been annoyed at her so many times .
i don’t know what to do with this emotion that i am feeling regarding her expectations .
she sometimes write something disturbing .

i am avoiding her due to so many reasons , she has been a rough sister , and abusing me so many times , and now i am ignoring her , so she gets that vibe .

in conclusion
it is a long lasting resentment resurfaced by an immediate resentment …
you don’t like somebody , and you have been avoiding them , now something small comes up , all the emotional memory come to surface .

the main theme here is expectation and resentment .

for us feeling being it is not enough that we have money we can buy stuff , we breath , we are alive and etc.
we are resentment and because of that we have expectations …these two are like a hamster wheel , they circle around each other .

now this is " me " expecting " from her , not to write something to disturb me .
so we both are doing the same thing . there was resentment , now expectation.

it is like i want good things to come out of the sorrow and malice’s box , which is" me" at the core of my being .

the psyche discontent with life in general which is the core of " me ", leads to resentment ( which is anger ,annoyance , offence ,etc.)
the opposite of discontent is feeling good ( feeling of ease and calm in the body) .
and putting this energy for EATMOBA , can lead to amazement of the wonder , which then the experience of purity can happen…

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This is a good question, because the Actual Freedom Trust website is the gold-standard for understanding the method, and what Actualism is about. And being that it was written by people that speak English, the only way to know exactly what Richard, Vineeto, and Peter means is to understand English. (In my oppinion). The obvious risk in translation is the potential for things to be watered down or inaccurately translated.

The method itself seems simple enough and I have no doubt that it could be adequately described in any language. But I also think reading the content, as opposed to listening to it, is an activity that is more participatory and sensual. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with listening to it, or watching the dvds, but I personally got more from reading the website.

SO! Tough question. There’s really nothing stopping this person from translating the website themself and making audio recordings. Or taking your google doc and doing it. The options I see are:

  1. Reach out to the operators of the Actual Freedom Trust and ask for permission
    and
  2. Properly credit and link back to the website with a caveat that the website is the gold standard. Maybe note the risk of mistranslation and encourage people to dig into the English version for clarity. Perhaps the operators of the Actual Freedom Trust could offer some advice here, if they be willing.

OR

  1. Do it without asking for permission.

If I were to give you any advice, it seems like you want to be considerate about the situation so perhaps it would be worth reaching out to the Actual Freedom Trust and seeing what they think. Spreading peace on earth is great, but if I recall there was some resistance to translating the site. There might be good reason for it and if you dig in you’ll better know what to do.

Edit: Here is the page on Actual Freedom regarding translation. One of Richard’s points is this:

P.S.: It is not so much a question of what I [quote] ‘permit’ [endquote] or not – I have no intention of becoming inveigled into being an official arbiter of what may or may not be published or otherwise provided (and thus having to somehow vet all and sundry derivative materials in multiple languages) – but more matter of each and every would-be publisher/provider having the nous to realise, for themselves and by themselves, just how important, how vital, the accurate presentation of the actualism writings are.

Hence my public response (rather than private communication).

Lest there be any misunderstanding: I would, of course, be well-pleased to see websites, forums, web-logs (and books, articles and so forth) flourish all around the globe from anyone wanting ‘to spread the [accurate] word’ about both an actual and a virtual freedom from the human condition as the madness, badness and sadness which it is epitomised by has gone on far too long already.

Hi Leila,

Upon reading your recent post I took the rather unusual step of subscribing to this forum for the purpose of asking you, as one fellow human being to another fellow human being, to stop proliferating your (by your own assessment) most likely inaccurate translation into Farsi from The Actual Freedom Trust website.

To be more specific: I have only taken two key words from the Actual Freedom Trust website which are quite essential, and at the core of how an actual freedom differs from other ‘freedom’ messages, and ran them through the Google translator (for Persian, as Farsi is not on Google’s list at present) – actual and apperception – and then ran them back to English. Here are the results –
– actual was translated back to “real, true, factual, genuine, veritable, lifelike and actual”
– apperception was translated back to “imagination, concept, idea, vision” etc.

As far as I know, many languages do not make a distinction, as the English language does, between actual and real, i.e. they have no separate word for it. And as you read further articles on The Actual Freedom Trust website, you will notice, especially by the many and varied mouse-hover tool-tips, how Richard is very careful and particular about using the exact and accurate word for his entirely new discovery in human history in order to convey exactly what he wants to convey. Here Richard explains why authenticity and accuracy are so important –

RICHARD: [...] the primary reason for the absolute retention of proprietorial rights as it is vital that the imprimatur of the legally registered name ‘The Actual Freedom Trust’, on each and every page, continues to stand for an implicit guarantee of reliability in regards authenticity and accuracy in presentation. A badge, if you will. And any blot on that escutcheon, as it were, is not something which I personally, or the directors generally, take lightly as the evidence of history bears due witness to the divisiveness which different versions/ competing translations, of what somebody once said long ago, inevitably brings about. As equally important is to prevent each and any attempt to water-down what is, without a doubt, such a radical departure from anything preceding it. *The very meaning-of-life and peace-on-earth are at stake*. Both an actual and a virtual freedom from the human condition, being such priceless discoveries, deserve whatever vigilance it takes to preserve the authenticity and accuracy in presentation of what will be of interest to both practitioners and academics in the years/the centuries to come. (http://www.actualfreedom.com.au/richard/listdcorrespondence/listdsrid.htm#06May09) [emphasis added].
Despite both Claudiu’s warning (https://discuss.actualism.online/t/leilas-journal/524/76 ) 2 years ago regarding the accuracy of the translation *plus* the recent cautionary messages from Edzd (https://discuss.actualism.online/t/leilas-journal/524/252 ) who did the research for you, you have nevertheless decided, quoting ownership of *your* translation, whilst suspecting it might not be accurate, to allow someone else to proliferate this further by allowing to have them voiced.
Leila: "i thought about it , and i guess i will let her do it , because the more people know about it , there is more chance for a few people who are really interested to do the method , and are able and willing to do the method ."
And here is the second issue - separating the actualism method from what an actual freedom is – and it can only be misleading if not detrimental for anyone following your lead –
ANDREW: … [the actualism method itself...] which when you separate it out, has many parallels with the types of naive optimism that spawned such phrases as “if it feels good, do it”, “make love, not war”, “give peace a chance”. RICHARD: And therein lies the rub: more than a few otherwise intelligent peoples do indeed “separate it out” (from an actual freedom itself) such as to instead practice some already extant method or modification thereof – being either too stupid to realise that doing what untold millions upon millions of practitioners have already done, without even a single success, is a totally unproductive enterprise, or being so arrogant as to think they can succeed despite untold millions upon millions of practitioners, without exception, having abjectly failed thereby – despite the way, manner or means of having such an unprecedented condition come about indubitably needing to be as unprecedented as it is. Is it just a case of that apocryphal ‘definition’ of insanity (i.e., doing the same thing over and again, ad infinitum, yet expecting a different result) or is it something else entirely? A primary reason to “separate it out” (from an actual freedom itself) is, of course, the arrant failure to appreciate how ground-breaking the millions of actualism/ actual freedom words actually are […] (http://www.actualfreedom.com.au/richard/listdcorrespondence/listdandrew.htm#28Feb16 )
While the ramifications of what you are doing may not be clear to you – Richard has foreseen it and spelt it out very clearly in the Directors Correspondence page about translating his words, part of which has already been brought to your attention –

RICHARD: It is not so much a question of what I ‘permit’ or not – I have no intention of becoming inveigled into being an official arbiter of what may or may not be published or otherwise provided (and thus having to somehow vet all and sundry derivative materials in multiple languages) – but more matter of each and every would-be publisher/ provider having the nous to realise, for themselves and by themselves, just how important, how vital, the accurate presentation of the actualism writings are. (A Matter of Translation ) [emphasis added].

A watered-down-and-bastardised Actualism (separating the actualism method from the actualism message combined with a most likely inaccurate translation (for which you did not consult or even discuss with anyone, who has been demonstrably successful with the actualism method to the point of becoming actually free or out-from-control virtually free for instance) will do more harm than good.

Just think about all or those who try and fail because of its bastardisation and will never look at actualism as a possibility for peace and actual freedom again in their lives.

Regards Vineeto

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