Leila's journal

I have been drinking a type of black tea. It is very tasty and has a good aroma( bergamot oil ) . makes me feel relaxed and comfortable.

edited : they have this tea , in a decaf form also .

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a note from today :

instead of being just " a beer " ( feeling my emotions ) ,
this " social identity " added to me , now i am judging my emotions
putting should and should not , right and/or wrong
putting distant between me and my emotions
thus , the initial emotion is being ignored
and a emotion backed thought is being reinforced

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notes from today :

at lunch time , having feeling good ( adding sensuosity with curiosity , as what is happening right now ) .
paying exclusive attention to my hearing
the sound of spoons and other sounds
including sound of refrigerator
sound of the bird outside etc.

a sense of wonder and more enjoying took place
and the result of the above , i was very calm , listening to Frank while he was talking , paying exclusive attention to him . i was hearing the sounds around as well . participating fully in life at this moment .

Richard : . One starts to feel ‘alive’. Being ‘alive’ is to be paying attention – exclusive attention – to this moment in time and this place in space. This attention becomes fascination … and fascination leads to reflective contemplation. Then – and only then – apperception can occur. An apperceptive awareness can be evoked by paying exclusive attention to being fully alive right now.


i guess ,Richard before death , knowing that each moment " the curtain will shut " . because you know it is the last few moments , and last few days !
he knew he is leaving , he is not going to experience this universe ever again , with all the things and all the people ever again .

now i know that even " appreciation " has infinite degree !
this new consciousness ( Actual Freedom ) is so new , that i guess , even " fully free " has infinite level ! and you can and you will become more fully free , ( meaning higher level of appreciation that seem not possible before ) !

i am telling myself : i don’t have to wait till the end of my life to genuinely and appropriately appreciate people that i come into contact with .

Vineeto : ( …) What I mainly noticed is the immense increase, and permanency, in appreciation of everything, and Richard, before his death, expressed this immense appreciation several times, to you, then to me as described above, then commenting on the perfection of it all from the tiniest detail to the vastness of the universe.

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so i guess appreciation is even more important than enjoying .
appreciation is the opposite of " resentment " … which is the psyche 's world .

and by doing the method " enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive" , my attitude changes … by acknowledging my resentment and substituting it with appreciation of this material magnificent universe . a deep appreciation of being conscious right now at this moment.

Richard used " wordless " in two of his sentences .
1 hietmoba becomes " a wordless attitude" toward life ,
2 and apperception which is a " wordless appreciation " of being alive right now - of being alive and awake on this verdant planet.


some notes :

this method takes perseverance ( patience and persistent ) and a lot of hard work and dedication … besides " daring " and " sincerity "…

because i have not progressed as much as i liked , instead of returning to the task of doing the method , i comfort myself secretly by various delaying tactic "… ( example spending more time on the Forum !)

notes : " intent " is the most important ingredient for enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive . without intent i can sit on the couch feeling good , and instead of using that energy of feeling good for enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive , i become lost in my mind , even if i am thinking about actualism .

I think you’re exactly right on this, Leila. This kind of appreciation, which goes hand in hand with naive wonderment, is the basis for the most genuine enjoyment of all, a kind of enjoyment that points the way beyond ‘me’ and ‘my’ murky world. I love how you describe this as the opposite of resentment. That is so true.

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I was considering this same thing yesterday and I wonder if it may be more accurate to speak of appreciation as the third alternative, it is orthogonal to both resentment and its opposite emotion of gratitude.

Gratitude arises out of the energy of resentment and keeps it going round and round in the ‘tried and true’ paradigm, whereas appreciation (being connected to delight, wonder, amazement etc) takes the affective energy and points it in the direction of actuality.

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I can see what you’re getting at, and your terminology is safer. I was looking at appreciation and resentment as opposite attitudes rather than feelings, and that’s the message I got from Leila’s post. A “don’t want to be here” / me-me-me attitude can spill over into resentful feelings, while an appreciative attitude can spill over into feelings of gratitude, impersonal love, sacredness, beauty or blessedness. In that sense, resentment and gratitude are at opposite ends of the good/bad feeling spectrum, and appreciation is the clean third alternative. (An attitude more than a feeling).

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these two video and similar videos i enjoy watching ( when i am not in my PCE walks ).
it makes easier to enjoy and appreciate this moment of being alive , to become amazed at the wonder ,( the naive wonderment ) !
i watch this on TV . the big screen makes it more enjoyable .
so many flowers !
so many things that i have not seen in my life !
tasting the purity and perfection of this material universe !


this is one of the favorites . i watched it last night on tv .

amazing colorful roses and seeing the sweetness, tenderness , togetherness /closeness of different kind of animals together (Some cats and a crow and a chick !)
reminding me if the food is taken care of , and there is less fear , more naivete ( relaxation , playfulness and kindness can bloom .)

pay attention to the water drops on flowers

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Thank you for posting these, @leila. I sent them to my mom and they calmed her down considerably. :blush:

I am very very glad , and i deeply appreciate your kind and generous feedback emp :hibiscus: :sunflower: :tulip:

it really proves that " Richard’s method " ( enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive ) has such a " calming effect " on the nervous system !
we don’t know what other things happen in the mind by doing this method … what happens to this brain differently at different states of experience , ( for example thinking about your sister , then comparing that to being at or close to an excellence experience ).
we only know that " the flood gates " will open gradually , by imitating the actual world , the flood of purity and perfection of this material and magnificent universe , by doing more and more of this method , the flood will come through roaring even more vigorously .

" someone says something you don’t like and then you get upset and it can affect you for hours? "

this is exactly what happened yesterday in my PCE walks ,( after 16 days of not being able to go out ) .

i was looking at some red roses in the community we live , 100 meters away from 3 garage door .
i was feeling so great , feeling some intimacy experience , when i heard someone yelling and saying " what are you doing ? "

the feeling great disappeared in an instant !
i looked back , and saw a young man , maybe in his 30s , standing in a garage , looking at me with hatred !

my whole body started shaking , and I heard myself saying in a trembling voice, " I am looking at these flowers… I am one of the owners here , i have been living here for 25 years now .

he replied with a horrifying voice as if he is yelling : but what are you doing here ?

i said : I am doing a method ,it is called actualism , you can search it on line ."
he replied again with angry tone : what is it ?

i explained it to him shaking like a trembled lamb being questioned by a wolf !
i even told him my name out of fear and then saying to him : maybe you have met my husband .

he replied with more anger saying :" yah , i have seen you people, lottering here . "

i replied : what is lottering ?
he angrily replied as if he is yelling : you guys are walking here , you don’t live here but you walk here , pointed to the front of all three garages saying we like it to be private here and left !

he left and i was standing there i burst into tears.
i don’t know how i got myself home .

i sat in front of the house, looking at the sky with tears and sighs mumbling : this is a sad joke !
i could not get myself out of sadness , i was constantly crying , even Frank’s sympathy could not make me come out of it !

it was 6 p.m and then it was 9:15 i was crying !
i could not sleep last night , and this morning the sadness still here right here in my throat !

@geoffrey or any one , if you think of any direct advice i would really appreciated .

Frank was telling me , you should have told him this is a common place , and what he is saying is nonsense.

i cant believe i don’t even know how to reply correctly , i don’t even know social skills .
i am this damn fear personality . this fear really is disabling me , now i realize why Richard was saying feeling is disabling us .

Hey - - - I had stumbled across something recently that may help you in this situation. In the past there have been times where I haven’t stood up for myself but wish I had. There have been other times where I lash out after long periods of repressing anger and frustration. I recently came to the conclusion that it was because I was trying to be a pacifist.

Having been raised in a deeply Christian environment, & a country steeped in Christian values, this makes sense to me. I also practiced ‘turning the other cheek’ or ‘putting someone else first.’ I had a lot of frustration because it seemed like I was playing (or trying to play) by those rules but others weren’t.

I wonder if it might help to explore what it means to stand up for yourself in a harmless way. It might be worthwhile to see if you have any religious or feminine beliefs lurking under the surface that are causing you to become paralyzed with fear, or raising conflicting desires. For instance, for me it would seem like the only two options would be to either become aggressive, or be passive. In my heart I wanted to lash out but since I was trying to be a good ‘christian’ or good ‘person’ I also wanted to be patient or caring which typically meant taking a back seat. It could be good to remember that there’s a 3rd alternative to either becoming aggressive or passive in these situations.

Given recent events, I find this relevant to what Richard said on the page, " Richard’s Reports Regarding 30+ Months of Severe Mental Agitation" He states, “It was all a severe mental agitation seeking resolution in terms of either ‘the known’ (psychiatry) and/or ‘the unknown’ (mysticism) and it is indecision that causes anxiety. It is a classic example of the cause of panic … two conflicting choices cancelling each other out creates either a freezing up – unable to think – or a deluge of racing thoughts” And yes, you also note “now i realize why Richard was saying feeling is disabling us .”

My guess would be that you experienced anxiety, panic, racing thoughts, inability to think - - which may indicate you’re running for security in conflicting beliefs. I would bet that you didn’t want to make eye contact with the man, as a means of trying to intuitively hide. Sometimes I like to remember that there’s nothing inside of these eyes for anyone to see - hehe. But you were likely trying to hide ‘your’ anger or shame or whatever it was. Dare to be here instead of somewhere hiding inside the body. Use your eyes to appreciate this present moment, don’t waste them hiding.

These are things I think about sometimes when I notice I’m retreating into old habits. Maybe it’ll help you too; not sure. It all just comes down to being sensible in the end, and that is something that isn’t bound to the rules of identity. It may not always feel safe but it can afford a lot of dignity.

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Your comment above sounds like the beginning of the dark cloud’s silver lining?

For me, I am always shocked each time at the intensity of instinctual fight or flight reactions of my brain + body. But any time it happens now, I remember soon after that it is inevitable that “time heals all wounds”. In a day or so my equilibrium will come back to its neutral set-point.

More importantly, during intense experiences, I find it can happen that a pause occurs in my emotional brain; the emotions get no free reign, no energy at all. Then my responses to the situation come from that internal empty space.

best wishes

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It looks like the guy was in a high-stress situation, and that you happened to be there at the wrong time.
Based on the information you provide, it might be that something shady is going down in those garages, and that the guy does not feel safe with people “loitering” around the place, witnessing what they shouldn’t, and possibly reporting it. If that is so, he probably was the one who was afraid first.
Or it might be something else.
Anyway, if at all practical, and barring any other development, you may simply avoid that particular location during your walks for some time.
That’s for the actual situation.

As for the lingering feeling… I know you know what to do :slight_smile:

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@leila Your experience brings up an interesting point, which is to do with segregating Actualism into a practice which is divorced from everyday life. Then perhaps it can seem like the man was getting in the way of your Actualism practice, he was interrupting the PCE walk, getting in the way of the intimacy you were experiencing up until then.

This somewhat reminds me of what Richard said to his mother in law, “if you say I hurt your feelings, then why do you have them”? (Paraphrasing)

Now I’m not saying that you are indeed segregating Actualism to a practice that only happens during PCE walks, BUT this kind of scenario, isn’t this exactly what one’s Actualism practice is all about? Finding a way to be happy and harmless in the world as it is with people as they are.

People being as they are they will continue triggering these emotions in you, which is the perfect opportunity for you to prod and examine them. As Srinath wrote a cross section of your ‘being’ has been serendipitously cut open, and is now ready to be examined.

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