Hi Leila,
It is also part of avoiding change to castigate yourself whenever you might recognize a silly attitude you could change. Perhaps Richard’s Audio-taped Dialogues, when reading slowly and carefully can help you being more sensible towards yourself and acting in the world, especially the one titled ‘Silly or Sensible’.
>Leila: Now I think, whenever I felt uncomfortable or I was being judged specially by females, I was saying the things how I was a victim of this and that, so that I can control the situation, or I take the attention away from my faults and mistakes maybe? ! sometimes out of a habit I give unnecessary complements to females, out of fear I guess, so that they like me, but sometimes it has a reverse effect …
It is funny when you say it is my own imagination, somebody tells me why you are acting like a child? and I imagine that they say “I am a child”! so much difference between the two!
This victim attitude is the very reason I have kept the hurts from the past, I could not get free from them, continuing keeping myself in an imaginary prison along with other people in it! more reason not feeling good!
Well, there is plenty of attraction to remain a victim. It is quite a lucrative attitude. All you have to do is feel miserable and vocalise it and there will always be some soft-hearted people to offer sympathy, help and support for the (apparently innocent) victim. It is so successful an attitude that it is very popular with thousands of people – how to whinge and complain, and achieve pity, sympathy and influence.
If you can really see that, is there a willingness to give up this lucrative victim attitude – your hiding place – and try out something new and exciting, to wit, standing on your own two feet and taking responsibility for your life?
>Leila: About intent: I don’t have intent, and when I ask myself: Do I have the willingness to genuinely change myself for more enjoyment and appreciation? the answer is not clear. it is like I say I want to, but I believe I can’t! Geoffrey also asked me “why not continue doing the method and feeling good?” I had no clear answer to reply and still I don’t … I don’t know how to have intent to put it into action?!
You say “This intent requires sincerity, courage and determination” I don’t know which one I have?! but definitely I don’t have determination!
Ah well. No intent, no courage, no determination. With the vital ingredients missing, no actualist can help you.
Do you really want to be like this for the rest of your life?
>Leila: And the courage part, I don’t exactly know what it is in actualism? Does it (the courage) mean taking responsibility for what I feel? Or the courage to know and change oneself?
Both.
>Leila: There are so many things I do wrong, I rarely do “nipping in the bud”, so I don’t do the method moment to moment even though sometimes I acknowledge the physical sign in my body my eyebrows or my forehead starts squeezing … (link)
You can only nip something in the bud if you understood that this feeling of being sorry for yourself is a silly way of ‘being’ to continue. You haven’t seen that yet.
To change, you need to deeply see and soul-penetratingly understand, that being a perpetual victim is a waste of this precious moment of being alive, let alone the rest of your life, when you could enjoy and wonder and appreciate this very moment. Until you grasp this there is neither willingness, let alone courage or determination to change. Again for emphasis, it is in your hands and your hands alone.
Cheers Vineeto