Hi Vineeto
Thank you so much for your reply and so much help .
I am afraid of being criticized ( the reason why i did not write here , as if i was hiding somewhere behind the curtain not to be seen or exposed … it was more safe ! )
I have been denying this victim attitude , i was not seeing it until now , i feel silly , how silly and harmful it has been ! so many times i resist feeling good because of this attitude …
Now I think , whenever i felt uncomfortable or i was being judged specially by females , i was saying the things how i was a victim of this and that , so that i can control the situation , or i take the attention away from my faults and mistakes maybe? !sometimes out of a habit i give unnecessary complements to females , out of fear i guess , so that they like me , but sometimes it has a reverse effect …
It is funny when you say it is my own imagination ,somebody tells me why you are acting like a child ? and i imagine that they say " i am a child " ! so much difference between the two !
This victim attitude is the very reason i have kept the hurts from the past , i could not get free from them , continuing keeping myself in an imaginary prison along with other people in it ! more reason not feeling good !
About intent :I don’t have intent , and when i ask myself :Do I have the willingness to genuinely change myself for more enjoyment and appreciation ?the answer is not clear . it is like i say i want to , but i believe i can’t !geofrrey also asked me " why not continue doing the method and feeling good ? " i had no clear answer to reply and still i dont …
i don’t know how to have intent to put it into action ?!
You say " This intent requires sincerity, courage and determination" I don’t know which one I have ?! but definitely i don’t have determination !
And the courage part , I don’t exactly know what it is in actualism ? Does it ( the courage ) mean taking responsibility for what I feel ? Or the courage to know and change oneself ?
there are so many things i do wrong ,i rarely do “ nipping in the bud “ , so i dont do the method moment to moment even though sometimes i acknowledge the physical sign in my body my eyebrows or my forehead starts squeezing …
added this part :
A factor for resisting feeling good most of the time ( to be accurate once or twice a month for couple of days ) is ill health , my another excuse ,the cycle goes like this :
there is no sense of wellbeing , and when it comes back , i resist feeling good ,I envision my death , i even get a funeral for myself , i go to panic , and from there , coming back up is very difficult.
So as a consequence , i think i can not do the method ! i become frustrate , i say no i can’t do it !