>Leila: My habitual reaction to when I read about “actualist gathering” is sorrow, Frank won’t be interested, and he does not let me go to this gathering either …
Sadness always triggers anger, I channel it to anger: blaming Frank, then blaming myself …
If I want to look at this desire with sincerity – wanting to meet with actualists and actually free people – well, I find a lot of things about myself: for example:
• fear of going, maybe they all hate me – they might not like me because of poor English or not having a social skills
• if frank comes jealousy would be triggered
Vineeto would love him and so all the other females and males, they would be gathering around him as he talks so well
I imagine myself sitting somewhere far from anyone, watching all of you talk to each other…
I have already been defined by two actually free people as a “child” – not being grown up … it took me a lot of time to deal with shame … now it is not so powerful these days …
Hi Leila,
Welcome back. I appreciate you decided to want to “get back on track again”.
Let me start by addressing your saying that you are “being defined” “as a child”:
As far as I remember from your once available private conversation with Geoffrey, he did not “define” you as a child but asked if you are a child because you published his video to all and sundry on the forum, not considering that he had explicitly asked not to (link now made private). Here is his additional comment on “feeling like a child (more precisely: naive)” being “different than acting like a child obviously.” (link).
I don’t know if you refer to me as the second actually free person who “defined” you as a child because I do not recall ever doing so.
Hence all of the above description is your own imagination, your creation, painting yourself as a helpless, unfairly charged victim of other people’s opinion when in fact the origin is your own imagination which depicts yourself this way, and as a consequence makes you talk and act the way you do.
Perhaps in the past this was your instinctual survival way of getting by but it does you poor service now. Presently your self-created imagination – “sitting somewhere far from anyone” – is only asking for pity and sympathy in order to reaffirm your chosen representation of yourself.
In short, if you want to be seen as a responsible considerate rational adult then you first need to change your image and representation of yourself – you are, after all, the only person you can change. When you talk and act like a responsible considerate rational adult, then others will respond accordingly.
>Leila: Maybe writing here will help me get back on track again, to pay constant affective awareness as to how I am experiencing this moment of being alive … (link)
Good. What you call “constant affective awareness” is a vipassana-like ‘awareness’ phrased differently. Just passively watching is not enough, else you would be happy now. In actualism method, genuine affective awareness requires the intent to be happy and harmless, and with that intent in place, recognizing when habitual behaviour or other affective obstacles are preventing you from enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive … and then doing something about it when that is not the case.
Sincere recognition of these affective obstacles leads to changing yourself – either seeing how silly they are or, when they are persistent, investigating deeper which belief is holding sorrow and fear in place, and then letting go of it. Acknowledging that you are harming yourself by feeling bad and trying to manipulate others by blaming them for your fear and sorrow may give you an insight how you tick.
Don’t get diverted by shame or blaming yourself that you are as you are – an instinctual being – because everyone is born with the same genetic disposition, and shame or blame will only cement ‘you’, the identity, in your current representation. It’s in your hands, and your hands alone to put your intent to be happy and harmless into action.
This intent requires sincerity, courage and determination.
Do you have the willingness to genuinely change yourself for more enjoyment and appreciation?
Cheers Vineeto