My habitual reaction to when i read about " actualist gathering " is sorrow , Frank wont be interested , and he does not let me go to this gathering either …
Sadness always triggers anger , i channel it to anger ؛ blaming Frank , then blaming myself …
If i want to look at this desire with sincerity - wanting to meet with actualists and actually free people - well , I find a lot of things about myself : for example :
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fear of going , maybe they all hate me - they might not like me because of poor English or not having a social skills
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if frank comes jealousy would be triggered ؛
Vineeto would love him and so all the other females and males , they would be gathering around him as he talks so well
i imagine myself sitting somewhere far from anyone , watching all of you talk to each other…
i have already been defined by two actually free people as a “ child “ - not being grown up …it took me a lot of time to deal with shame …now it is not so powerful these days …
Maybe writing here will help me get back on track again , to pay constant affective awareness as to how i am experiencing this moment of being alive …