Leila's journal

Journals
18

Yes!! Exactly :appreciation: now you saw it for yourself :slight_smile: that sense of safety that ultimately comes from the actual world. it is safe because the actual world actually exists. it doesn’t depend on anything. everything just “is”, everything continues moving through infinite space and eternal time. ‘you’ cannot stop it, nothing that can happen can stop it… there will always be existence, existing .

I definitely advise you to put a “pin” in this experience, to use it as a reference point, so you can find your way back to it again and again!

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19

this after noon walk :" I started with minus zero which means no feeling good …( maybe miserable)
i told myself : please go back to feeling good , even feeling neutral … ,remember the snail the ants the world of insects . remember that ultimatly everything ok and i m not needed ." …

but no , nothing happened …i guess it is not a force … i can not force feeling good…it has to come by it self , as it came before…

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20

there were two fire fighters i was going to pass by to get to the trail so i could walk …
i noticed how i am self conscious and shy to pass them , and i noticed i am grinding my fingers into a small rock that i was holding …
i was hoping that they don’t look at me , but they did , so i nodded at them and smiling , and surprisingly they looked as if they know me really well , and were overdoing greetings …
i dont know how i manage to pass them , but i finally did , with some resistance …

i tried to bring back myself to feeling good , but i couldn’t .
my mind was like : why do they were so nice ? are they like that always ? maybe they have seen me before from their building which is a block away from this trail . they may have seen me the day i first found this place running from joy like a mad kid …I felt embarrassed …

i told myself : Ok ,Can we please go back to feeling good now …? i begged …

21

it is good that i have tasted feeling good . it is good that i have tasted the perfection ,
the unconditional happiness , the satisfaction , the safety as Claudiu says which comes from the actual world … this is all good… and this is good that i can notice how i am feeling now …compared to before i did not even know what i was feeling …

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22

by writing here i got to know myself … but as i am starting to read Kuba 's writing , every sentence he writes makes me think and reflect …

he was saying :maybe I am only writing here in order to get likes and praise…my answer is yes …

i am thinking of not writing here , comparing Kuba 's writing with mine ,is like a night and day …

he was saying : There is the more genuine intent to share experiences here…" and now i am asking myself : leila do you have genuine intent by writing here ?

so many bad feelings come with this question …actually by reading everybody’s writing here and comparing : i feel like i am a kindergarten’s student …

23

Hey @leila, if you have been reading my writings then maybe these 2 posts will be useful too :slight_smile:

What I am getting at can be summarised by the last bit of the second post - “If we all start ‘dirty’ then the best way to proceed is to accept this and get stuck in”

It’s great to have you and @FrankN contributing on here so definitely keep going :raised_hands:

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24

everything that you have been writing is useful for us Kuba … appreciate it .
i m new to this site …but i am very curious that even when i dont put " @ " before any anybody’s name , that person appears from nowhere . it is like a magic or something …

25

That’s funny :laughing:

26

:smiley: sounds like a lot of us read most or all of the messages

27

i am asking myself : these are the sentences from kuba’s : is it good and correct to write here more ??? or am i just wasting everybody’s time …
i don’t know how many people are here …and i don’t know if my experiences help them or not ?
mine is more like a diary comparing to other’s writing …

i feel silly now ,actually very silly …i am telling myself how those two fire fighters could help people to get to feeling good ? leila you are a joke …a big joke …

29

Write what ultimately allows you to investigate how to feel good or at least better again. Others will get from your writings what they can/want. Don’t worry about them/us.

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30

Seeing this part of myself, the good feelings, ( that most of them are the reason for my bad feelings ) ,I become very depressed … but it was good, otherwise I could not go so deep and look at myself what I was made of .

as kuba said : i start ‘dirty’ then the best way to proceed is to accept this and get stuck in” …
i now see this dirt this me as a whole …i accept it as i am but not to the core …

Now i noticed that two things blocks me from feeling good
and most of the time i look ,there , these two :

one is the feel that i am somehow special and another one is this underlying need for " love " …
they are very connected as well…and i cant get rid of them …
they spoil every moment of my joy and my enjoyment …
i see now that i am rotten to the core, this me wants to keep these two ,and doesn’t let go .

well i now notice that every move i make is based on these two …
every intent i make is base on these two …
even when i want to scape is with these two …
they are there and i notice them every day …

31

Srinath would you please shake me again …

32

ok i felt really bad for 2 hours or so …beacuse after 3 hours of maybe wasting time , thinking about james love thing with his wife , and how i can help him to get out of this misery and move on , even though i knew something is gonna come out of my writings so many objections and so on …but still i thought this is gonna help him , the way it did help me i think …because if i stayed with love and pinning i would be depressed wasting time and waiting …

elgin came and correct me by saying this is a very bad idea …
and that was enough i felt not just bad but also felt really stupid and sad …it is very painful , like critisicm …

now i realized that these themes are my triggers …

after having to endure this bad feelings …i went and deleted all my writings ,one of them i could not delete …and then i unsubscribed to everything from this website and signed out …leila you are stupid …
i m crying like a kid now …

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33

now i am reading these sentences from srinath : You realise that you are your feelings and see if you get back to feeling good .Realise that the good and bad feelings are combined package that form a ‘world’ that you can slowly become more and more free from - and that is even before actual freedom…

34

i checked all my intention before my writings to james ,it was all genuine and good i did not expect any reply …maybe ? or maybe i had expectation that people say wow leila what a great idea …but it was opposite …why always everything is opposite …

35

it is like i am not satisfied with just feeling good ? it is like i am always trying to make a drama or write something to prove myself that i am good i am special …

38

i feel good now …just by writing here …what a storm … :grinning: it is obvious that i am crazy …

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39

This reaching for validation is something I very frequently experience as well, it usually looks like this in me:

hanging out, just living in the world, having a good time

notices something / has an idea

“Oh my gosh! I am a genius, I will share this with the others”

tells other people about my great insight

At this stage, one of two things happen:

Either they are like " wow you are so smart", 50 comments 10 reaction emojis

If I get this reaction then I feel good, smart, superior, and generate a new identity as the person that ‘gets it.’ This identity prevents me from enjoying & appreciating, & now I have something I have to protect, to fight for. Also people start to find me kind of annoying as I’m always showing off how smart I am, what good ideas I have

The other direction it can go: There is no response, or some others actively disagree with me

Me:

depressed, sad

“No one understands me!” “My ideas are terrible!” “I am alone in the world, I don’t understand things”

Really it’s only a matter of time before the second direction comes up, either I eventually get no validation or I get used to the amount of validation I’ve been getting & it doesn’t ‘get me high’ anymore

It’s just a cycle I go through

And interestingly, it’s all a drama that takes me away from that first, most interesting moment of hanging out, just living in the world, having a good time

Writing this up has been very useful as I can see that the way I try to attract girls is by being cool & smart! I can see that it’s just a part of that larger cycle now. Interesting!

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40

The question I can ask myself is, are my observations valid, or not? No amount of validation, or lack of validation, effects that. Often, people will validate things that aren’t accurate at all! That’s not very useful. Such is the trap of ‘humanity’

I had an experience about a year ago of, ‘I know what I saw’ in regards to PCEs. Even though some others don’t know what I’m talking about, give me no validation, I know what I experienced. So their non-validation became irrelevant to me.

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