Kub933's Journal

Journals
202

There is something which I was never able to fully comprehend and put across but it is finally clicking so I thought I would share in case its useful for anyone.

In the past I have often felt like life was better when ‘I didn’t care’, I couldn’t quite understand what it was about ‘caring’ that seemed wrong, like it had me going in the wrong direction but I didn’t know why.
I knew that ‘not caring’ could be very dangerous as it could be an excuse to open the flood gates to unchecked malice, gates that are there for good reason! So I knew I had to proceed carefully because my intent is to be happy and harmless.

This thing would put me into a bit of a limbo because I could tell something was off, yet at the same time as an actualist I am meant to be caring no? :face_with_spiral_eyes:

What I realised lately is that what I was trying to say all this time is that I do not want to give anymore credence to the ‘human’ worldview of seriousness… cemented in place by morals, beliefs, rules, expectations etc. And neither do I want to get caught up with other people who are looking to enforce this worldview onto me.

I wanted to be free from that, free from having to play the game where life is tacitly accepted as a ‘serious business’, where beliefs and morals are brought into the picture to give this ‘seriousness’ more credence, make it seem necessary or even noble!

This is what I didn’t care for, and I care for it less and less as time goes. So in a way I am indeed ‘caring less’…but about what exactly?
If someone gets themselves in a twist because I did not play along to this ‘serious worldview’ do I have to give this thing credence and thus keep myself bound as well? I don’t.
I really don’t and this is quite freeing to see, of course this doesn’t mean making a virtue out of being some actualist rebel because at times the sensible choice might be to go along with the BS to some degree. I won’t be out on the streets fighting some war against ‘real world wisdom’, that is not sensible. Yet it is equally not sensible to keep myself bound out of a respect/fear for other peoples grim and glum worldview’s.

This reminds me of what Richard mentions in his journal that Pure intent will pull one relentlessly into investigating and eradicating anything in the way of that perfection seen in the PCE.
Even if at times it appears as going into separation instead of intimacy, into conflict instead of peace.

And yet I always knew that something was off about this ‘caring’, I can see what that was now. As those beliefs, values, morals etc are falling away in myself I simply cannot give that whole world any more credence, so how can I care for all these ‘serious things’ when they are no longer believed in? When I am no longer fighting the causes that ‘humanity’ is so passionately involved in.

This is very much like being a traitor! great fun though :smiley:

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@Kub933

I remember @Srinath writing something like “any rancour against the human condition only enforces it”.

It makes sense we would continue to care, because that seems the peaceful path. Don’t rock the boat etc.

I’ve been trying to wrap my head around that saying of Richard’s “emotionally accepting the intellectually unacceptable”.

I think it’s sorta implies that emotion can “think” which is probably a weakness of language.

Like both “emotion” and “intellect” are capable of making choices. Which I understand to be incorrect. Emotion is blind nature, Intellect (intelligence) is conscious, apperceptive and can “see”.

So this “caring” isn’t really anything to do with actual caring, as it really isn’t making a choice. It’s blind.

That’s my 2 cents.

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I think you’re separating ‘yourself’ from ‘your’ emotions. They are one and the same tho :wink:

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Hmm, the division is set up in the statement.

Although, it is reflecting the apparent division of the psyche.

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I had taken the statement in context of “wars, rapes, murder, child abuse etc” in which these things are intellectually unacceptable, and emotionally upsetting (unacceptable).

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What a weird combo today… I have come down with some sorta chest infection situation going on so I woke up this morning with my lungs on fire, nose blocked etc

The funny thing is that I am feeling great! It doesn’t seem right to be enjoying myself this much whilst sick, like this should not be allowed :laughing:

The way I usually feel when ill is a general sense of low energy, tired etc but that is not there at all today, it’s like the symptoms are there but affectively I really feel great, and so the symptoms are no biggie…

This kinda puts a spoiler on that ‘bleak future’ I was writing about yesterday lol - Chrono's Journal - #24 by Kub933

It seems though this feeling great is largely to do with slowly backing out of that affective mush called ‘humanity’. What I was writing about ‘not caring’ has been continuing to play itself out and there is a progressive freedom from things like obligation and responsibility (whilst remaining harmless)

It’s especially quite fun at work as I work in customer service. It is not that I am out there looking to ‘stick it to them’ but at the same time I no longer play the ‘subservient role’, there is less and less of power structure of ‘customer vs servant’. When I talk to customers now there is a certain directness that allows me to skip past playing the games, its so freeing to no longer have to play the games! What I noticed is that sometimes I can even call people out on their BS, and sometimes it is sensible to do so, it is just that it does not align with my ‘role’ as the ‘servant’. What a delicate balance to walk but it is possible. To be direct and effective whilst not being rude, aggressive, uncaring. I am walking right on that line more and more though which is really fun.

It is like I don’t have to diminish myself in order to assist others, and I do not need to tower over them either out of fear, that whole game can disappear, exciting stuff!

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OK more about this freedom from obligation and responsibility. I was thinking today about this shift that has happened, a shift towards acting unilaterally, towards autonomy.

It reminded me a little to Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Basically when I am sparring, especially at higher levels it does become very much a chess match, just a physical one where the problems are constantly shifting.

But the main thing is that when I am sparring : I take in all the information in front of me right now, I come up with a solution (in real time) and then I must simply make the move.

Of course then it is up to the opponent to do the same and he will do his best to respond, then the ball is back in my court etc

Even though we are interacting each one is working unilaterally to the best of their ability. My opponent is not wondering how I will feel about his move, he has already decided what the best course of action is (unilaterally) and he is doing it. I am then free to act likewise. There is freedom to act intelligently and effectively, freed from morals, values, expectations - all that affective mush. Maybe this is why it can be so fun for people!

What I am noticing is that the normal way of operating in the ‘real world’ is much different to what I describe above.
It is marked by a lack of individuality, unilateral action and autonomy. Where we are all stuck together in this gooey sticky stuff, hence the resentment, the manipulation etc.

In the ‘real world’ I have already surrendered any autonomy, it is where I am constantly sabotaging my ability to act unilaterally and effectively due to fear of getting it ‘wrong’ or of ‘upsetting others’.
Instead I go for that which the ‘group’ deems ‘right’ (this is where safety appears to be).

The problem is that I have sold out to the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, to the ‘authority’, to morality, to the ‘group’ etc Which means that autonomous reasoning is the last thing which is given any credence, in fact it is forgotten altogether that such a thing exists. I must step out of the ‘group mentality’ as a whole to re-discover that autonomy even exists. This reclaiming of autonomy, of the ability to act unilaterally has been a long time coming and it has been happening bit by bit.

But this is how I am seeing life more and more now, I simply take in the information and come up (in real time) with the optimal course of action, then action takes place, I have moved my chess piece… Now it’s over to the other to act freely as well.

Giving myself permission to be free means that others I interact with are equally free, this freedom is really something!

A cool example of this has been with @Sonyaxx recently as she was contemplating making some changes to her birth control situation. At first there was this thing of what do ‘we’ decide, what do I (Kuba) think and feel about this situation, how should I respond or not respond, am I in approval or disapproval and all the rest of the messy sticky stuff that does no-one any good.

Then it clicked that all this is back to front. This is her life, her body we are talking of. She has already looked at all the facts and decided that this is the sensible course of action for her. Then she has also openly shared this information with me so that I was free to respond as I wish, ALL the boxes are ticked.
Now she simply moves her chess piece, she does not wait for some implicit or explicit permission from me, and she did! And I was super happy that she did. Now it is over to me to move my chess piece (if I wish). So simple, and this whole process is free of manipulation, of resentment, of expectation, of all the sticky stuff!

Of course all this doesn’t mean that I no longer take other’s situation into account, there is still a keen interest in the other and a consideration for their situation, yet when all is said and done I act unilaterally.

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Oh the perfection! Absolutely swimming in it this morning, it seems after that PCE on Saturday I have been connected to it so firmly.

It’s so crazy that when I go for a longer period without a PCE I forget that all this perfection is already here, now re-discovering it is like what the hell! how can I be walking around day in day out missing out on this, and even trying to deny its existence.

The thing that has been on the forefront for me the past couple of days is seeing that actually all that exists is this perfection. This body is completely locked into this magical world, there is nowhere else.

The only ‘other place’ exists in illusion and delusion, and I am still pulled towards it. But the past couple of days I seem to effortlessly find myself back in the magical fairytale world, It is funny that this magical world is only ever here now and the ‘imperfect world’ is only ever ‘there’ in some ‘other time’. The ‘imperfect world’ is taken as the genuine world even though it is the one that is a mirage, hence it can only ever be ‘there’. All the while this perfection that I am tasting right now is missed out on by billions of people all over the world, what a shame!

The thing is that ‘reality’ carries a certain weight or I could say a certain authority until it is seen for what it is. Even now with this perfection on one hand I am swayed to believe in this reality, to go ‘there’ because it appears to be necessary. Until of course that structure is once more seen for what it is and it can fade away revealing actual perfection once more.

So at the moment it is going in 2 ways, either I notice I am not experiencing perfection and this noticing has me experiencing perfection again

Or

I notice that I believe in the need to go ‘there’, that weight of ‘reality’ has me under spell. Then I must explore this construct sufficiently so that it can fade away and I am experiencing perfection once more.

The experience of perfection is so very wonderful, the word magical keeps popping into my head because how could something so wonderful actually exist. There is also a softness to it as in innocence, benignity and a sweetness. This is nothing like what exists in ‘reality’ its a different world altogether, one that ‘I’ am forever barred from.

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OK some more notes from the magical world :grin:

I notice that the experience of perfection always comes with a complete safety which means that there is only a never-ending delight left, there is no more holding back or being on the edge or planning/scheming in order to generate ‘security’ or anything like that.

This safety that is intrinsic to perfection is so complete that there is nothing left to do but delight.

Whenever I experience this perfection I have this image… (I get the sense that this is a past PCE but I cannot quite remember it!) It is winter, I am inside the house where all is snug, cosy and warm. I am looking outside at this dark, snowy and magical wonderland. There is complete safety and yet there is magic all around. That is the ambience of the PCE. This is the ambience I am experiencing in waves, this is what is here for this body and every body.

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Cheers Kuba.

I enjoyed reading this;

I kept feeling, “that imperfect world is my home”. I get a real sense of how invested I am in remaining ‘there’.

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Yeah this seems the most perverse thing, that ‘being’ has such a gravitational pull even when perfection is right here.

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I was considering some other feelings after reading your post. Feelings that one normally is ashamed of. One was a feeling of relief when I imagined one of my friends dead. It was just immediately there!

So what is so good about this ‘imperfect world’?

Is it the hiding? The guilt? Everything I have built and done to be a “good person”, when in a split second I can feel relief at the idea I don’t have to deal with someone because they could be dead?

What could possibly be stopping me?

Such a fundamentally rotten being, obviously desperate to hide the evil that so easily spills over the elaborate constructions of beliefs around my goodness.

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‘I’ think that ‘I’ am important, necessary.

The question is, Am I?

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Yes, the world I built. The world I think I am someone in. The world I am waiting for to recognise me.

But it doesn’t. It’s blind. A few will say a nice word. Yet, it that enough to continue waiting?

I know that even when we are gone, people seldom think of the dead. Now and then.

Is all that we hold on to worth the scant reward?

Rummaging through the rubble of broken promises, shattered dreams, collecting souvenirs of words people gave once, yet easily forgot?

Endlessly writing our own eulogy, muttering about the tattered rags of our righteousness.

Maybe that’s just me :gift: :joy:

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Work has been ultra quiet lately and I am in a bit of a weird situation because I have pretty strict management that demand me to look busy even when there is no work to do so I am kinda left staring at my empty screen a lot of the time :laughing:

This has been bringing up a lot feelings of boredom and uneasiness, something that I have been looking into.

The problem is that if I am at home with ‘nothing to do’ I have that sense of just doing whatever I damn please, so I will be kinda pottering around whilst feeling good.

The work situation is kinda complex, because on one hand there is nothing to do, on the other hand I must look as if there is potentially something to do and also I cannot potter around and find little things that grab my interest as that would be seen as disrespectful. So all in all there is this boredom mixed with feeling uneasy.

The cool thing is that work has been this quiet all of this week and yet Monday through to Wednesday I was spending a lot of my time swimming in purity (with no boredom to be found) thanks to the PCE I had over the weekend.

So I know that it is possible to be doing absolutely nothing and at the same time to experience life as complete. In fact in a normal day I will oscillate between feeling bored and uneasy from doing nothing at work, to next minute having the time of my life, whilst still not doing anything lol.

Whenever I am experiencing the perfection and purity it is impossible to ever feel bored, it’s like that word is not in my vocabulary during those times because I actually want to be here to begin with.

So far my explorations have found that as an identity ‘I’ am this ongoing ‘story’, this web that needs to be continually fed into or ‘I’ risk loosing ‘my’ substance. The interesting thing is that both the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’ are just as important for sustaining the ‘story’!

What I also observed is that there is some conditioning there, something that I was probably exposed to when I was younger. I can almost hear my parents telling me off for doing nothing, wasting time etc - “go do something productive”, this sets up a situation where ‘not going anywhere’ or ‘not doing anything’ is fundamentally accepted as somehow wrong.
As a social identity I am taught from a very young age that I must serve a purpose to the whole, I cannot just idly sit and do nothing.

However the coolest bit of exploration that came up (the one that twigged me to write this post) was observing in myself that in order to escape this boredom, this resentment to being here, ‘I’ will actually look for problems (in the form of danger/tragedy) so that ‘I’ can then find solutions. This was so fun to catch myself doing and I caught myself red handed! :smiley:

So I was feeling this boredom, this emptiness, this meh feeling… and so I go off into the fantasy world where I have managed to find something to worry about, great! Now I have a problem I can start looking for a solution, and guess what that WHOLE process is doing? Giving ‘me’ a reason to continue ‘being’, it gives ‘me’ substance.

It is just as Richard writes, ‘I’ have a vested interest in taking offence and receiving praise, BOTH give ‘me’ the nourishment ‘I’ need.
Man how big to actually see this though, how twisted it all is, very fascinating though because I can see that a lot of the nonsense that ‘I’ create for ‘myself’ is specifically for this reason, so that ‘I’ can maintain myself, wow!

The hurts/dangers/tragedies that ‘I’ concoct feed ‘me’ as soul and then the plans/schemes/theories feed ‘me’ as ego. Both are there to perpetuate the identity and so of course ‘I’ have a vested interest in those!

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I really had this from my parents too. Then it became a mantra I told myself so as to be exceptional, I had to work harder on learning and creativity, I couldn’t be just chilling or relaxing. I had to increase my knowledge and output and then I will be something or somebody exceptional.

I see it play out in my work week, I need to solve that problem, complete these tasks ahead of schedule, project an image of exceptionalism to my manager. A fear of being sacked and replaced as well.

For real, it is much the same with hypervigilance, self imagined crises to induce anxiety and preparation that perpetuate the status quo.

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Another really fun bit of investigation today that concluded in the below discovery :

I have found just now that the core feature of all my fear fuelled fantasies is the fallacy of the ‘slippery slope’ -

A slippery slope fallacy occurs when someone makes a claim about a series of events that would lead to one major event, usually a bad event . In this fallacy, a person makes a claim that one event leads to another event and so on until we come to some awful conclusion

An example of a slippery slope argument is the following: legalizing prostitution is undesirable because it would cause more marriages to break up, which would in turn cause the breakdown of the family, which would finally result in the destruction of civilization.

This is what I noticed always happens, there is always a jump, always the chain events in this fantasy goes A → all the way to a guaranteed and terrible Z, where my life has fallen apart, I am dead, or some other terrible thing that happened.

Which is completely nonsensical and the reason why it is nonsensical is because this chain of events assumes that after the initial ‘bad’ choice is made, I have now somehow lost autonomy and I am simply a slave to an avalanche of events that will happen, where I am unable to do a single thing, I just watch it all burn. But this is not how life happens, it is always this moment which means I am always presented with an opportunity to decide the best way to act, each moment over. This is why the slippery slope is a fallacy, it assumes freedom to make the first choice but then the rest is somehow determined.

I can very much see this slippery slope fallacy being a psychological means of control, something to contain the instinctual being. “If you are a bad boy and do X then you will end up with these terrible consequences”. This does a pretty good job of instilling fear and thus enforcing authority. But at the end of the day this is all it is, just another story which weaves into ‘reality’, it is not based in fact tho and so it can be dispensed with.

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The other feature of the slippery slope (and the fear fuelled fantasies as a whole) which I noticed when I was working my last hen party, is that it relies on the world being made into a caricature of sorts - this is what ‘reality’ is.

In that caricature people and the world at large apparently act according to certain simplistic and pre-determined rules, which are actually just the beliefs I hold about them, beliefs that fundamentally have it that life is grim and gloom… So of course all the ‘minions’ of that ‘reality’ act the same way.

So in this slippery slope scenario I have not only removed my own autonomy, but also denied the autonomy of my fellow human beings and the complexity of the world at large. The other thing is that within this caricature that is reality, ‘I’ am forever cut of from the benevolence of the actual world, and so all those ‘rules’ are in-line with a universe that is apparently an evil one.

I noticed all this happening when I was working this Saturday because as usual there was a certain level of anxiety before doing the hen party gig, what I noticed was that I had already made the group I was about to meet into a caricature, I already decided what they would be like based on my beliefs about the world, and from there I managed to extract some ‘dangers’ that I could then worry about.

The funny thing is (and this happens EVERY SINGLE TIME) that they were nothing like the caricature I made of them, and so in hindsight all this anxiety was over absolutely nothing.

It was really great to see all this in play, to see that whenever I am feeling bad I am actually wrestling with these caricatures, and that there is this whole world of people, things and events that does not work according to these ‘rules’. If only I allow myself to meet those individuals and to experience those events directly.

In the end the girls at the hen party were as always very friendly, nice and had a great time. I was able to see that they were all individuals, and that I could relate to them as such and so all the fears arising out of the caricatures had no footing, awesome stuff :smiley:

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It’s so wonderful that in setting others free I am free myself and vice versa. Experiencing others as fellow human beings means I am also free to be a fellow human being, then that whole reality can be dispensed with. Equally setting the universe free of ‘my’ beliefs sets me free, then the universe is here to be experienced for what it actually is.

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The ending to the ‘drama’ does not happen by finding an answer/resolution/solution/fix to the ‘drama’, this is to be looking for an answer within the human condition. The only way to end the ‘drama’ comes from seeing it for what it is. The goal of investigation is not to find an answer but rather to see ‘reality’ for what it is. Whenever I am looking for a ‘fix’ it is because I am looking to escape away from whatever emotion, this actually reinforces the reality of the drama - it becomes what we would call intellectualisation/philosophising etc.

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