This explains what I’ve been doing for the last 2 days lol
Which one?
A - Slippery slope B - Wresting caricatures C - looking for a ‘fix’ or all of the above 
?
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Looking for a fix
My ex has recently moved back to town so I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out ‘what to do,’ but there isn’t necessarily a ‘what to do’ with this. I don’t know what she’ll do, so how can I just set a solid ‘decision’ that doesn’t change later?
I’ve been going in circles so it makes sense that all the circling is within ‘me,’ any answer I come up with only adds layers to my reality
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All the above are implicated in looking for a fix, though!
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Writing a post this morning made me realise just how accurate @Elgin’s meme is 
- Meme Time - #123 by Elgin
Below is a dump of all that is going on for me at the moment :
I’ve been that cow stuck half way in dazzling actuality and half way in gloomy reality for a long time now. Figuring out where to go from here is odd because I know that nothing will change without sincerity, do I genuinely want to proceed further or am I to an extent acting out an ‘actualist script’.
On the other hand, do I continue chipping away at what’s left, looking to clean those last little bits towards a virtual freedom? I feel good for the majority of the time nowadays and often dipping into more, into dazzling actuality, then perhaps a couple hours a day reverting back to that ‘grey world’ to some degree, this is not problematic due to the intensity of the emotion but more because it blocks me away from purity.
I have had enough PCEs to know that actuality offers the one genuine solution. But clearly this has not infiltrated itself enough so that I am faced with the need for action now.
This is the sort of bouncing about I am doing day to day : Between cleaning up the last bits, contemplating how to go all the way, experiencing actuality and some short detours into the ‘grey world’.
I would describe this place very much to be floating about without a firm goal. I mean the long term goal is and has always been to go all the way into actual freedom, but there is the goal and there is my commitment to actually doing it now, essentially am ‘I’ fully on board right now? clearly not otherwise ‘I’ would not be typing these words.
I am well aware that there is only so long I am alive for and it is never guaranteed how much longer I will live, so there is very much this fire burning underneath me to go all the way within this life-time.
I actually read the questions and answers from Australia the other day and it was kinda cool to see Geoffrey and Srinath as feeling beings somewhat ‘circling around’, trying to figure out how to actually get it done. So I know this is to be expected.
It very much seems that at this point I cannot follow any sort of ‘script’, there cannot be any ‘fake it till you make it’, I can see that this ‘acting out a script’ is very much core to what ‘I’ am as an identity. Like a shadow of that which is genuine ‘I’ come up with all these ‘stories’ and ‘schemes’ which never have any substance and so they never lead to any action. Whenever genuine action takes place it has nothing to do with all of that.
That is the kind of seeing which is needed to go all the way. Those last bits of action have to be screaming with sincerity, there cannot be any kind of duplicity, which means I am completely on my own.
Then comes this whole business of altruism… which has probably been butchered enough already and yet it is a constant sticking point for me. Probably because in part I am trying to act out some ‘script towards actual freedom’.
So as I stand right now there is this moral admonition of - “you should want to self immolate for others and not for yourself” whatever that means…
Experiencing actuality I always have the same sense that it is all I have ever wanted and more, but I am almost blocking this desire out of this moral admonition mentioned above. Like “stop wanting actual freedom for yourself, that is not altruism!”
I can see that at some point wanting it for myself and wanting it for others merges into one and the same thing. So I can also see that turning this altruism into some moral admonition needs to go, along with the ‘script’. Then I can stop feeling like I am not good enough to actually do it, that ‘I’ could never be so altruistic to self-immolate. I can see that altruism is something that is intrinsic to ‘me’ as a ‘being’ and so it will be activated of its own accord when appropriate.
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Did you notice in those notes from Australia the analogy of the lever and fulcrum?
Richard saying it takes something, anything, outside oneself to provide the weight on the other end?
Anything.
That’s what has recently sparked all sorts of “non scripted” seeing of what does and does not motivate me.
Personally, I put the question to myself, about self immolation, even though I realise the seeming impetuousness of it coming from me, because everything else was looking like a very convenient obstacle course I had set up in my mind.
PCEs? Probably had them or else I wouldn’t be here.
Virtual Freedom? The only virtual Freedom that counts is the “out from control” variety, and one only needs a few minutes of that.
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Hmm, I think this is Actualism dogma. Why would altruism, which clearly will overcome every other passion in a moment, be inaccessible any other time?
If it weren’t for altruism, there would never be anyone who considered any deed heroic. Yet, everyday, we create and watch movies about heroes, we admire and support the likes of the Fred Hollows foundation, billions is given in charity because for the most part, people want the suffering to stop.
Altruism lite™ is already running.
Yeah for sure it’s possible for this instinct to be activated at other times when my life is sacrificed for group survival like with the example of the bee.
But the altruistic act which ends in ‘my’ self immolation does not activate until ‘I’ am self immolating. My point is that trying to ‘cultivate’ altruism prior to self immolation seems pointless. That instinct is already wired in place, ‘I’ just need a genuine reason for it to be activated, then ‘I’ self immolate.
I see it like love. Love is always waiting for it’s cues to activate. Altruism; It’s a subroutine just waiting for a chance to jump on the grenade and save one’s comrades.
For Geoffrey, from his report, it seems like it was the “safe path” that was the thing outside ‘himself’ that produced the leverage.
For Richard, it was the irony in planting trees he had cut down in his youth, whilst wondering for weeks what was he “putting out” that a woman still wanted to be his disciple.
Peter simply wondered what Richard was experiencing in a world of only “people, places, and events” with the touch of Richard’s actual cheek, being the leverage.
Vineeto, it seems that the fun and intimacy of being with the people on the house boat was the thing “outside herself” that blew “the last cobwebs out”.
For Craig, while controversial, it was that it ‘him’ blowing up at a colleague about something in the fridge at work, that showed him that intimacy was outside himself.
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Yo actually I had to stop my car to write this cos it’s so blatantly obvious 
It is called an instinct for a reason, just like ‘I’ never have to cultivate or learn or develop the ability to experience fear, it is part and parcel of ‘me’ as ‘being’, equally it is the same with altruism. I can stop worrying about it because by the very fact of being an instinctual ‘being’ ‘I’ have altruism in place. Otherwise let’s stop calling it an instict 
Whether I want it or not ‘I’ am already wired with that in place just like ‘I’ am wired with the rest of the instinctual package in place, this is what ‘I’ am. ‘I’ have the right seeds in place which allow self immolation to happen.
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Exactly.
You just need a suitable reason, outside yourself, to jump on that grenade.
It’s a lovely, peaceful grenade, apparently.
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It’s two things really, a win win, as Richard says;
‘You’ get the oblivion you desperately desire and ‘die’ a hero.
Whilst, the actual You get to live free of instinct in a wonderland of fun and purity.
No losers here.
A pure outcome, if ever I saw it.
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I forgot Srinath.
It seems that he had multiple moments over many weeks from seeing that everyone should be enjoying the actual, to finally seeing that ‘he’ could “roar back into life” and ruin everything.
Ok the other thing I am seeing is that any attempt to ‘cultivate’ altruism is actually morality in disguise, this is assured to keep ‘me’ within ‘humanity’.
The other thing I am wondering is with altruism being an instinct, is it that presented with the correct situation it is inevitable that this instinct is activated. As in ‘I’ no longer have a say in it, no longer a choice. Is this why ‘I’ also slam on the breaks all the way leading up?
I wondered about it today, about the apparent choice I have.
Yet, just as I am a blind instinctual being, so can be blamed, I am also a blind instinctual being, so can’t be praised.
How can I take any credit when with enough scrutiny, I could find a cause outside of this apparent choice for every “decision”?
Didn’t a few write that an in an “out from control” state, one can’t tell whether one is doing it or it’s being done to them?
There will be one, or more, reasons “outside” yourself that will cause the apparent choice to put your bum on the short end of that lever in Richard’s analogy.
Maybe one, maybe 20.
I was thinking about Richards use of the word destiny, and how he points out that the reason we have PCEs is because this is how we see what is possible. It seems the whole ‘set up’ is such that this is all possible, how else would a perfect universe arrange itself? Including each ‘being’ having all the necessary conditions in place, including the instinct for altruism which WILL activate given the right circumstances. All in all what ‘I’ am doing is halting the process. Seeing the ‘human condition’ in it’s totality takes it out of ‘my’ hands. It seems all this needs to unite itself in some way.
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It’s sorta simple. What would you die for?
How about just cut off an arm for?
A big toe?
Literally imagine cutting your arm off for something. What is that thing?
(your preferred arm, the one with the better looking bicep) 
The entire wide and wonderous path, could be called cultivating altruism whilst having fun.
Richard called altruism an overriding instinct, and that all his conversations with feeling beings was to appeal to this “better self”.
In other words, a highly altruistic self is a better self.
The reason it doesn’t activate is progressively we come to accept “that’s life” , like that billboard.
Children starving? That’s life.
Rapes and child abuse? That’s life.
Wars, genocide? That’s life.
The triggers for altruism are all around us, all the time. Cultivating it is just opening our eyes and refusing to believe “That’s life”.
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