Kuba: Last night I was napping and in that “in between” sleep state I kept experiencing these waves of perfection, to be more precise it was re-memorating that perfection is already here. When that perfection was being experienced it was like “of course this is how life actually is” and then it was as if it all became a fading memory again, and then it would come again to be experienced as undeniably actual.
When I woke up I had those words on my mind “what if all ‘I’ know and all ‘I’ am is in fact false”, because that perfection is so undeniable and yet when ‘I’ take centre stage again it becomes just a memory, no longer actual.
This shuttling from ‘me’ living in pathos and then to perfection being actual with no ‘me’ in sight is like some case of dementia…
This got me contemplating on the fact that indeed ‘me’ and actuality do not mix, this is the point which took a very long time to firstly discover and then for it to sink in. That ‘I’ am a psychological and psychic ‘entity’ existing in ‘my’ self-sustained reality, that both ‘me’ and reality disappear for actuality to become apparent.
Later on I was wondering about how to proceed towards the actual, towards the world which ‘I’ know exists and yet which ‘I’ can never enter. It’s clear that it is the end of ‘me’ and everything which is ‘mine’, both the dream and the dreamer have to disappear. I had this thought that it would take a total commitment and dedication to allowing that which is not of ‘me’. That the price of entry into actuality is ‘my’ very ‘self’.
That last point seems to be where I am currently, balancing on the edge where it is either leaving behind what is ‘mine’ in order to allow perfection or remaining as ‘me’ in pathos. There is a certain ‘stickiness’ which is no more, which I take as a good sign. Because before to contemplate leaving behind what is ‘mine’ would trigger the most severe case of holding on, whereas now it is like allowing ‘myself’ to be washed away.
But I realise that ‘I’ cannot wash ‘myself’ away, ‘I’ can only allow it to happen to ‘me’. ‘I’ cannot possibly “do the deed” because such an action would only cement ‘my’ existence further. So it is an action of allowing, of giving permission, whilst knowing full well what is entailed. (link)
Hi Kuba,
Whenever you find wrestling yourself (“like some case of dementia” ) remember that in this pioneering enterprise ‘you’ are your closest ally. When you, in the endeavour to bring all of ‘you’ on board to agree to ‘your’ demise, become so friendly, so intimate with yourself that you eventually viscerally reveal your deepest yearning, which is to shed this ongoing burden to be a ‘controller’, a life-preserver, a bodyguard, and to go into oblivion instead. It is a relief to be able to even admit that this secret exists and instead of a ‘demented’ outcast you become the closest ally.
I wrote about this before –
Vineeto: The motivation for ‘self’-immolation needs to encompass all of ‘you’ at a deep level of ‘being’ for allowing it to happen, and when ‘I’ recognize and acknowledge that deep down ‘I’ experience ‘my’ job of ‘self’-preservation as a constant burden, and with no genuinely advantageous point to boot for continuing to carry that burden, then you, who wants to be free to be what you are have won a major ally. (31 Oct 2024)
Here is more confirmation how important it is to embrace ‘me’ as an ally –
Richard: ‘It is important not to view ‘I’ and/or ‘me’ as an enemy – blind nature is the culprit – and to be friends with yourself … only you live with yourself twenty four hours a day. Coopt any aspect of yourself as an ally in this investigation into the human psyche … eventually ‘I’ come to realise that the very best thing that ‘I’ can do is altruistically ‘self’-immolate for the benefit of this body and all bodies. (Richard, AF List, No. 7, 18 Feb 1999).
Richard: ‘It is important not to turn the thinker into the villain, an enemy: the thinker is thus one’s greatest ally (…) whilst peoples beat themselves up for not being good enough or for being ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ (or whatever description) they have no chance of ever enabling [peace-on-earth]. None of this mess is ‘my’ fault … ‘I’ was born like this. Now that ‘I’ realise this ‘I’ can willingly, cheerfully be in concordance. (…) ‘I’ can never, ever become perfect or be perfection. The only thing ‘I’ can do – the only thing ‘I’ need to do – is to say !YES! so that the already always existing perfection can become apparent. (Richard, List B, No. 25f, 22 June 2000).
And here is why –
Richard: Needless is it to add that, had it not been for that identity’s totally dedicated/ utterly devoted pure intent to not have intelligence be the loser, yet again for the umpteenth billionth time, this conversation would not be taking place (and that neither would this mailing list exist either)?
Respondent: Intelligence won and your identity ‘lost’, right?
Richard: No, blind nature lost … the identity got precisely what ‘he’ wanted more than anything else (the blessed release into oblivion) thereby allowing intelligence to operate unimpeded. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, AF List, No. 68d, 10 Oct 2005).
You see, when your intent to be actually free and you, the identity, agree, the way is open for altruistic ‘self’-immolation to happen.
Richard: The way to peace is not through war. (Richard, List C, No. 3d, 13 Apr 2000)
Cheers Vineeto