Last night I was napping and in that “in between” sleep state I kept experiencing these waves of perfection, to be more precise it was re-memorating that perfection is already here. When that perfection was being experienced it was like “of course this is how life actually is” and then it was as if it all became a fading memory again, and then it would come again to be experienced as undeniably actual.
When I woke up I had those words on my mind “what if all ‘I’ know and all ‘I’ am is in fact false”, because that perfection is so undeniable and yet when ‘I’ take centre stage again it becomes just a memory, no longer actual.
This shuttling from ‘me’ living in pathos and then to perfection being actual with no ‘me’ in sight is like some case of dementia…
This got me contemplating on the fact that indeed ‘me’ and actuality do not mix, this is the point which took a very long time to firstly discover and then for it to sink in. That ‘I’ am a psychological and psychic ‘entity’ existing in ‘my’ self-sustained reality, that both ‘me’ and reality disappear for actuality to become apparent.
Later on I was wondering about how to proceed towards the actual, towards the world which ‘I’ know exists and yet which ‘I’ can never enter. It’s clear that it is the end of ‘me’ and everything which is ‘mine’, both the dream and the dreamer have to disappear. I had this thought that it would take a total commitment and dedication to allowing that which is not of ‘me’. That the price of entry into actuality is ‘my’ very ‘self’.
That last point seems to be where I am currently, balancing on the edge where it is either leaving behind what is ‘mine’ in order to allow perfection or remaining as ‘me’ in pathos. There is a certain ‘stickiness’ which is no more, which I take as a good sign. Because before to contemplate leaving behind what is ‘mine’ would trigger the most severe case of holding on, whereas now it is like allowing ‘myself’ to be washed away.
But I realise that ‘I’ cannot wash ‘myself’ away, ‘I’ can only allow it to happen to ‘me’. ‘I’ cannot possibly “do the deed” because such an action would only cement ‘my’ existence further. So it is an action of allowing, of giving permission, whilst knowing full well what is entailed.