Kuba: Hi Vineeto,
Vineeto: What I get from your answer – “It is the ‘weight’ of having to be ‘me’” – looks like good news to me. (…)
Kuba: I have been looking at this the past few days, initially I tried to somewhat ‘push past’ this feeling but I realised that this is just ‘me’ running into that ‘invisible wall’ over and over again haha. I also tried to ‘ride it out’ but I notice that this feeling, it has unlimited energy, it seems it has no end…
So then I changed my approach and began to consider that perhaps there is something to be found there, that perhaps this feeling contains the seed for ‘my’ undoing, so since last night I have been applying a fascinated attention to it.
This morning I looked at this feeling and found ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being. What Richard wrote came to mind :To repeat: ‘I’ am these instincts; these instincts are ‘my’ very ‘being’. Here is where ‘I’ experience ‘myself’ in the most direct form … all alone, forever separate from others. Here is where ‘me’ as ‘being’ is forever threatened, for ‘I’ should not ‘be’ at all. (Richard’s Journal, pg 166, Article Twenty-Three).
I have seen ‘myself’ like this before but this time I could see that the only way that this painful condition can end is for ‘me’ to die. Seeing this caused quite a strong visceral reaction in ‘me’, it sunk in exactly what has to happen, the only way out for ‘me’.
So the door to ‘my’ destiny, to what ‘I’ desire the most is guarded by ‘my’ fear of death. I can see that this is what all the various ‘me’s’ desire, to cease ‘being’, and yet ‘I’ am kept in place by ‘my’ fear of death. This is why ‘humanity’ has made a pact to venerate suffering, to suffer through life whilst waiting for death to release ‘me’. The way out of this predicament is available, but it requires something to be done that ‘I’ cannot quite fathom doing/ allowing. The fear of death keeps both ‘me’ and ‘humanity’ in place, forever suffering.
So it seems ‘I’ am contemplating that which is “not permissible”, not so much by the ‘wisdom’ of ‘humanity’ but rather by the very force of ‘my’ being.
Just to add – although I wrote it is “not permissible” nevertheless it is exactly what ‘I’ am contemplating as an actual possibility, it is very thrilling, ‘I’ am going to die and this is exciting. (link)
Hi Kuba,
So “the ‘weight’ of having to be ‘me’” has come to fruition – you have seen ‘me’ at ‘my’ very core and understood existentially that there is no solution whatsoever but for ‘you’ to give permission to – something which both ‘you’ and you desire most.
It is very perspicacious to recognize that “‘humanity’ has made a pact to venerate suffering, to suffer through life whilst waiting for death to release ‘me’”, and you have so far stayed loyal to this pact. Now you refuse to suffer any longer and with this demonstrate that the pact is not unbreakable for everyone to do likewise.
One thing you have not yet spelt out today, yet I suspect it is always there in the background since you wrote it on March 8 this year –
Kuba: I was always resentful at the hypocrisy, the lack of equity, the ignorant irresponsibility and the harm that was being done by all, and yet ultimately ‘I’ could do not better. ‘I’ wanted so bad to ‘be’ the answer to all that and yet ‘my’ very being has always prevented this. My whole life there was this sense that something was off and yet I couldn’t put my finger on it, until I had that PCE at 18.
In short what ‘I’ deeply and passionately care about is to be innocence personified. To live that which the PCE demonstrated and in doing so to offer (and demonstrate) a solid alternative to the “hypocrisy, the lack of equity, the ignorant irresponsibility and the harm that was being done by all”. [emphases added]. (link)
With the thrilling permission for ‘you’ to die and the passionate care to be innocence personified in place you have blessed set in motion your demise – nothing can go wrong.
Richard: ‘I’ do not make it happen, because ‘I’ cannot make it happen. What is more … ‘I’ am not required to make it happen. An actual freedom happens of itself only when one is fully ready, and not before. (…) The in-built tendency of the universe to achieve the optimum knows best as to when the time is right. (Richard’s Journal, pg 168, Article Twenty-Three).
Cheers Vineeto