Journal de Henry

Journals
81

Haha yeah what he said! Lately I’ve been seeing that it’s much more productive to look at the emotional play first, because that’s what really has a hold on ‘me’ (is ‘me’), so getting too intellectual too quick misses the point.

That said you’re also right about the social security thing, 100,000 years ago it would have been essential for others to love us because the alternative would be being left out in the cold - a death sentence. That’s why feeling lonely is mortifying.

As biological beings we have a huge amount of emphasis on reproduction, which is why our sexual organs have so many lovely nerve endings, as well as many other adaptations. All these adaptations are there to encourage us to match our DNAs, thus continuing the line before this individual body and that individual body die. It works with stunning efficiency, as can be seen by the billions (!) of humans now roaming the world! And it’s the same for every animal species that fertilize eggs, not to mention that most plants use a process of fertilization! It goes wayyyyyyyy back.

This comes out most prominently in us in: horny. And in: love.

Love is the ‘yes’ principle. The ‘I want it’ principle. Fish have a ‘yes’ principle too that’s more archaic than ours. Dogs (for example) have a ‘yes’ principle that’s quite similar to our own, because they are also social-gregarious animals, as well as they’ve been living with us for 25k+ years. The ultimate ‘yes’ is, ‘breed.’ Defend my own life, eat food, and breed. Close to this is, ‘hang out with the pack.’ So the deepest urges we feel within ourselves are aligned with that principle. ‘Yes’ is love. The opposite is the ‘no’ principle aka fear/hate.

All this is to say: it feels amazing. Because we’re biologically programmed for the success of the organism, for the success of the species, for it to feel amazing.

It takes a lot of doing to not just do what feels amazing. It’s not for nothing that Richard had to overcome a massive wall of fear to become free.

I remember noticing this in myself some years before finding actualism: my happiest memories create my greatest reasons for sadness.

What a wild thing it is, to be able to exit all that!

82

I appreciate this. Especially because for me anger has been ‘conditioned away’ and has been difficult to access. When it would arise because I lost control, guilt would come in.

I did this spiritual dream-process with a friend the other day and I experienced myself as being in psychic shackles… I had anger, but I couldn’t move my arms. I had been taught not to. But those psychic bonds are between me and freedom.

Thank you for the reminder!

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83

12|3|21

I’m having a really fun time.

I’ve put a lot of holes in my own obsession with girls/love/sex, and the psychic peace I’m experiencing is a significant change. I was giving myself a ton of trouble, angst. And it’s not there now. It’s so much easier to be sitting here in my own skin.

Before, if I was going to do something, it would have to be justified back to girls/love/sex. And it was never comfortable, because there’s no guarantee of success… whatever scheme I could invent, there likely wasn’t success in the end.

–

My parents still have power over me. They’re the ones that put the psychic bonds on me.

I’m reminded of Richard having to ‘reclaim his autonomy’ after being enlightened. That’s what I’m needing to do now.

Maybe this is the anger that @Andrew was talking about.

I only get this one life. I can’t waste it. That isn’t an option.

If I’m always living under their umbrella, I’m wasting it. I’m too afraid to go away and do something else.

I want to know what this life is about. I want to really live. I want to see what the best possible is. How could I not?

No one can stop me.

–

I’m really having fun lately! I’m so engaged in life. Pretty neat to see the progress. It’s very obvious.

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84

Except “you”, of course :blush:

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85

@henryyyyyyyyyy Yes, i think Richard used the word “indignation”, and he had noticed what i also experienced ; especially with spiritual beliefs, that a period of indignation seemed needed.

One has to want to be free, whatever one calls that initial motivation, force, it is needed.

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86

@Miguel @Andrew image

87

Do you think you have to want to be free to eaatomoba?

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88

It’s definitely not a requirement, anyone that wants to become more happy & harmless and generally improve their life can do it.

For that matter lots of people organically enjoy & appreciate on purpose, just without making it unconditional or with the goal of being free. Most people can’t even imagine the possibility of that (becoming free) happening.

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I agree to some extent. Anyone who is magnanimously having a good time is eaatomoba. And I totally agree there is no need for any desire for freedom to just have an innocuous good time.

90

Any interest on expanding on the points where you disagree?

91

@henryyyyyyyyyy

That part throws me. So it just depends on what you meant.

92

Thank you!

I mean, that ‘normal people’ still sometimes set out to ‘have a good day’ (aka enjoy & appreciate) with some success. For example, if they’re on a vacation or spending the day with a friend.

But where they most certainly are not doing actualism is when something brings them down and they ‘take it for granted,’ don’t question it, and generally just accept that it is a valid reason to feel bad, thus maintaining reality.

That’s where they’re not making it unconditional.

93

I guess we can strike out “to some extent” then.

94

12|5|21

I’ve become what Richard warns of, ‘too clever for my own good by half.’

I can see that I keep getting close to something big (worth celebrating!) But I’m so damned intellectual about everything that I continue to hold ‘myself’ right precisely where I’ve always been, in ‘smart.’

It’s time to dump ‘smart.’ It got me this far and that’s lovely, but I can’t keep trying to ‘get everything I’ve ever wanted’ by being smart anymore. It’s in the way, now.

It’s like the family religion, we’re all high on smart. Trying to memorize the most facts and spout the most impressive anecdote. “Aren’t I great!!” Ok, where’s my prize, for being so great? Oh, there isn’t one? That’s a bit funny.

If I sound a bit pissed writing this, that’s because I am (thanks Andrew!)

The last time any anger came out in me like this I was in a bar, in the winter, a few months after coming across a strange website talking about freedom, trying to explain to my friend (he couldn’t understand) that I could now see that I had wasted my life to that point. It was stunningly obvious in the most literal sense.

And now I am 3 years later with a fatter brain and closer to freedom but the comparison is still so stark. I’m holding the freedom apart from myself. Everything has to fit ‘my’ plan, because I’m so damned smart I’m outsmarting myself.

I don’t get to become free by knowing the most facts about actualism.

Somehow I keep getting to this point and realizing that I have to double down.

Honestly I couldn’t be happier about that. That’s really what got me here (with a mild piggy-back from ‘smart.’ Thanks for the ride, ‘smart!’ Bye!!!).

The room I’m in seems new, now. I’m existentially different.

–

I’m looking for different girls because I’m not happy with the girl I’m seeing now.

I’m not happy with the girl I’m not seeing now because I’m not happy. Not because of anything she’s doing wrong.

I’ve watched a number of my bullshit excuses for ‘her not doing enough’ bite the dust. They’re my excuses.

I’m unhappy. Why am I not happy.

I feel insecure.

I feel insecure because she might leave me and be with someone else and like them better than me.

Thereby proving that ‘I’m not as good/very good.’

Aka that I’m lame, sad, pathetic.

Which is EXACTLY WHAT I’M ALREADY FEELING lmao

I already am lame, sad, and pathetic. Right now, typing this.

What justifies this? The possibility that she could leave me.

That’s interesting. I’ve never seen that before: ‘possibility.’

The only way to deny that possibility would be if I was somehow so hot, that she never even once fantasized about being with someone else.

That obviously doesn’t exist. And if it did, it wouldn’t be healthy for her or me.

Sad and pathetic happen now, which is interesting. Obviously I’m ok with doing that. Really it’s in hopes of sympathy, aka ‘please don’t leave me, I’m sad.’

–

I’m trying to impress myself with ‘smart,’ so I can have security.

Ha!

“Maybe if I’m smart enough, no one will ever fantasize about anyone but Henry.”

That’s what I’ve been doing with instagram: ‘being attractive.’ If I take this photo perfectly enough, I will be irresistible. That is my belief.

It doesn’t work.

The belief is I won’t have to feel insecure anymore if I’m attractive enough. I try to impress myself to impress others. If I can impress enough others, I give them a rush, I get a rush, and in my fantasy: we sail off into the sunset, just like that.

But that doesn’t happen: they are human, I am human, and ‘insecure’ comes back and ‘fantasizing/dissociating/exiting’ comes back.

I can’t do that anymore. I don’t want to do that anymore.

It isn’t possible to be attractive enough.

I have to take out ‘insecure, sad, pathetic’ a different way.

In dream language:

She’s leaving me.

She doesn’t like me, they don’t like me. They like him.

What I’m doing is lame, what he’s doing is cool.

This all sucks.

I’m rejecting my own experience because they are rejecting it/me.

I’m going with the pack, in that moment, under their influence rejecting myself with them.

I really am on my own here

It’s actually funny because in ‘sad, pathetic,’ she wants to reject me because she’s under my influence: I’m rejecting myself.

–

I’ve spent all this time trying to figure out what the group likes so they can stop rejecting me so I can stop rejecting myself!

I’ve tried a ton of different tactics, always with the same result: sad, lonely, pathetic.

Some progress with actualism. But, up to today it has always been with me.

This changes literally everything about how I approach life. It’s animated everything I do.

–

When I look again at my dream-projection, I can see that it feels insane/heinous to not feel the same way as the group.

I imagined being 5 years old, on a playground, and all the other kids don’t like me and think I’m weird. And I’m just toodling along, doing my thing, happy as a clam.

And that’s like… “there is something wrong with him.”

I’m supposed to be sad in that moment, that is what is normal.

And then my mom (or whoever) comforts me. That’s the playbook.

“Those kids are just jerks”

And then I go try some other tactic so someone likes me

Fast-forward 27 years, and here we are. Lol

People have said that about Richard. “He’s insane, he’s dangerous, he’s a psychopath.”

There’s the people fleeing the convivium. That’s why.

The door to freedom is marked with the word, “Insane”

VINEETO: And then I reached the door marked ‘insane’ that Richard had been talking about. Fear reached another crescendo and turned into stark terror. Frantically I try to at least keep up the reporting, the cognitive exploring entity. But I realize that if I want to go through that door, the ‘pioneer’, the ‘scientist’ and the ‘reporter’ will have to stay behind.

I have to leave behind all those games I’ve used to convince myself and others that I’m ok. That I’m ‘good.’

RICHARD: The doorway to an actual freedom has the words ‘Warning: do not open … insanity lies ahead’ written on it. I opened the door and walked through. Once on the other side – where thousands upon thousands of atavistic voices were insistently whispering ‘fool – fool – fool’ – I turned to ascertain the way back to normal. The door had vanished – and the wall it was set in – and I just knew that I would never, ever be able to find my way back to the real-world … it had been nothing but an illusion all along. I walked tall and free as the perfection of this material universe personified … I can never not be here … now.

–

There’s something funny: “He doesn’t have a problem (with anything)… therefore he has a problem”

What problem?

–

Now, to go through the door. That’s what’s left.

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95

12|6|21

What’s next?

I don’t want to be seen right now.

I’m very aware of the possibility/fact of rejection but I’m not 100% comfortable with it yet

That’s what’s next.

Richard: Some might say I am mad to risk my relationship, again and again, to prove the impossible to be possible, but I demur. Nothing is achieved without some risk … and the ultimate goal is well worth any perceived peril. It all depends upon how willing and determined one is to solve life’s problems once and for all. To be convinced that one’s destiny lies here on earth – and that it is within reach of those who are prepared to go all the way – is the essential prerequisite for assured success. This conviction I have in plenty.

I’m now committed 100% to peace.

There’s nothing I could want enough to want to interrupt someone else’s free existence. It’s not worth it.

By the same stroke, there’s nothing anyone else could do to dissuade me, now.

Their rejection is one form of such dissuasion.

I have only to play ‘their’ game, ‘play nice,’ and I’m greeted warmly back into the fold.

Where I’ll continue to plot, scheme, and manipulate to control others. Just as they plot, scheme, and manipulate to control me.

I’m always causing a lot of trouble for others, hunting for approval. It’s an interruption.

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96

I like the stream of consciousness journal @henryyyyyyyyyy :blush:

Something I’ve been focusing on is I have been in the way of the native intelligence of this body.

So, for me it’s not so much me being too smart over the years, but not smart enough.

Getting out of the way, is a cliche.

It more like trying to cut individual caviar with a butter knife; ‘i’ am a slippery and cunning phenomenon.

Actually the best way to describe what i think truly being clever is, is to describe looking for parts for me car on Sunday.

First, one must want to do it. I’ve known about the need to find parts for over a year. I made a few attempts, but because it’s rare, i gave up.

Then, i decided to concentrate on fulfilling my intelligences potential a few weeks back, which means studying.

Hmm, not exactly explained anything yet…

In both instances, i am there not wanting to try “too hard”, or trying “too hard”, and a thousand micro-sabotages a second, hence the cutting caviar analogy. Very slippery moment to moment.

Almost like a fog descended, then lifts a bit as i see “ah, i can search this number and cross check it with that number, and search though those images!” All of a sudden i am doing something intelligent. Where only a moment before i was not being intelligent.

It’s like sensuosity for the brain. :joy:

It’s definitely not because you are being too smart, just that you hijack the bodies natural intelligence to do all the things that keep ‘you’ around. ‘you’ are not intelligent, but that body is!

So, when the impulse to do something smart is there, do something smart. Keep doing that smart thing until it is done. Don’t let yourself continue to abuse the intellectual potential of that body, but gently and deeply stick with that pure intent to enjoy setting it free. Set your mind free, Neo!

97

What I’ve experienced is, when I’m enjoying & appreciating really well, the intelligence just organically/automatically happens, it’s not something ‘I’ have to do.

I do agree in that I’ve ‘used’ ‘the Wizard’ to good effect in some situations where I was stuck recently, which seems somewhat similar to what you’re describing

For me it was "OK Henry, use your cleverness to ‘figure this out’
And then I would.

And now I’m starting to see that I’m clinging so tightly to ‘smart,’ ‘clever,’ that it’s preventing me from loosening up enough to really experience what I’m feeling… ‘The Wizard’ doesn’t want to let go of ‘his’ control, because ‘he’ thinks he’s so smart and has everything in just the right place and if I do any snooping around, I might upset ‘his’ perfect arrangement of things.

So I guess for me it’s in the way of seeing who I am: who am I behind ‘smart?’ ‘Smart’ has to step down (or, temporarily to the side) for me to see.

And then when I get back to feeling good, E+A, then intelligence picks up again… but it’s just that bit less ‘my’ intelligence.

By the way - I can see that ‘I’ have a horror of dropping ‘my’ wizard: it feels like letting an 8 year old mess with pandora’s box

98

Ah, i didn’t really catch your “wizard” description, but i assume from what you say it’s an identity you are that gets things sorted out or somehow can “magic” a solution.

Perhaps you are semi-illuminated. I have noticed this in myself and others, especially those who have been highly spiritual, explored drugs, or just really into ideas of metaphysical things. A sort of “can talk my way out of nearly anything” sorta power. Can spin the world on a pin.

I think that instead of us theoretically getting rid of “smart” identity stuff, just actually do smart things.

Like if i am in some drama, get out of that drama. If something needs doing, to do it. Or simply enjoy the sun that is coming in the window right now.

Actually smart things. :joy:

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99

Flip the script, in other words.

As in, what is the smartest thing to do right now?

Our ‘selves’ aren’t smart. They are millions of years of reactive genetic and social conditioning et al. Smart like a romba vacuum cleaner at best.

Bumping blindly around.

So the i am ‘smart’ is a tricky ploy. ‘I’ am as thick as two planks and wet pillow.

So there is no ‘smart’ identity.

There is narcissism. Preservation of a psychic fog/reality/veil, but no ‘smart’ identity.

We could both benefit from really defining what being intelligent is.

To me, it’s in the little things. The insignificant moment of choosing sensibly how to spend my most precious asset; time.

100

I like that. I’m so used to being able to twist reality to meet whatever end ‘I’ want, especially talking with other people, that I’m trapped in my own obsession with twisting reality all the time.

I don’t know about semi-illuminated, I think I can see what you mean by having more ‘power over my reality’ than others though which I can definitely see as being on the spectrum to illumination-enlightenment. It feels like such a bold claim! Part of it is I’m not super familiar with the various stages to enlightenment and what qualities denote them.

lmaoooooo

Yes that’s what I mean, as soon as identity is there it’s immediately a suffocation of any genuine intelligence. ‘I’ am clinging to it because I think it’s the reason people like me, why I’m valuable. But in the end it’s stupidity itself to even engage in that activity.

I think those ‘little things’ are hints of what comes out of intelligence, but intelligence itself is when the brain is operating unimpeded. When it’s genuinely happening, it’s incredibly obvious.

When it’s not happening it’s maybe not so obvious, just because the dulling makes it hard to see anything, but there are signs.

It always blows my mind when I get into a PCE because the clarity of thought is unlike anything ‘I’ can pull off. The size of the gap surprises me every time.