(Cont.)
This relating stuff also has an effect on the sense of conflict that I was struggling with yesterday. I’m relating to others in a sense of fear of conflict, readiness for conflict, as well as returning/bringing the conflict myself.
Relating to others in conflict = feeling the conflict in myself
So even feeling that there is conflict, I’m doing that
11|25|21
Exiting the archetype.
Every archetype has a connection to an instinctual passion, as well as an analogue in the actual world.
With a pretty girl, the instinctual passion is lust (sex-desire) / love-desire (connected to the need to breed/create a stable ‘family’ for reproductive-life success, and group success). Indicated by lust-feeling, love-feeling, as well as cold loneliness & sorrow when those feelings are not reciprocated satisfactorily, whether that is not at all (as in rejection/lack of available options) or not enough (as in, this person / these people are not good enough for me).
The analogue to the actual is the fact of humans existing, the factually existing sensate enjoyment of the act of sex, the actually existing aesthetic appreciation of the seeing of another human being, the actual enjoyment of conversing or co-existing in whatever form it may take, the actual convenience afforded by working in harmony with another to accomplish mutual goals.
I could, for example, go through a tarot deck and draw these comparisons for every card, or go through fairy-tales and draw these comparisons for every archetype that arises, or go through a 30-second TV advertisement and draw these from the archetypes that arise.
In every moment of ‘being,’ we are on the lookout for these archetypes as ‘we’ the ‘being’ are ‘analyzing’ the incoming sense-data, looking for ‘meaning’ (as in, what does it mean for ‘me’). Am I safe? Am I unsafe? What do ‘I’ ‘need to do’ right now? What is the ‘right thing to do?’ Am ‘I’ ‘bad?’ Am ‘I’ ‘good?’ Is he/she/it ‘good/bad?’
Ultimately with the fundamental insecurity of ‘being’ (as in, ‘I’ will do everything to survive, ‘I’ must survive, ‘I’ must pass on my genetic material, ‘I’ must kill to keep myself alive, ‘I’ must raise my status, ‘I’ must become ‘great’), there is always ‘something that must be done,’ another thing to chase. At all times there is a touch of discomfort… in the moments of greatest love-gratitude, there is the insecurity of ‘I must keep this, I must protect this, I cannot allow this out of my grasp’ - for there lurks the chasm of not-having, of not-success, of not-love, instinctually born to ensure that we pass on our genetic material and generally behave in a way that satisfies the biological mandate.
We are essentially fish with a lot of thinking, ‘meaning,’ tacked on top.
“Is she the one? Is he the one?”
We ask, hoping that our love-desire-lust will be allowed to accelerate, that we can complete the bio-emotional dance.
“Will he prevent me from love? Will she prevent me from love? Will they prevent me from success?”
We ask, wondering how we can wheedle, how we can attack, how we can cut them down to get to our goals.
–
Perfection is completion. The job is done. There is no-where to go, no-thing to get, no-thing to accomplish. It’s all here already. No insecurity driving behind the scenes. No hopeful pies in the sky to yearn for. She is not The One, because The One was inside of ‘me,’ I was desperately chasing a bio-lure toward further misery, deeper distress. The only way out being the grey dissociation of ‘normal,’ at best expressed as ‘good enough’ settling, and for that rare .000001% (for most dismissed as fable), the ecstatic dissociation of enlight-enment, wildly loving one’s way through life caring not for the great swath of destruction left not just during one’s own lifetime, but the great historical swaths we’ve seen recur time and time again.
I am the problem. I always have been, as expressed in every previous one of the 107 billions of me’s.
Every time I open my phone & wistfully hope to ‘connect’ with this or that girl, every time I go out & lust after this or that girl, every time I ambitiously push to make more money, every time I sorrowfully sulk in the dark when I don’t get what I want. I am the problem. I’m ready to fight anyone to try and get this or that shiny bauble, blissfully self-deceptive in my belief that everything will be great when I get ‘over there…’ over there simply being temporarily over to one of the 7 different possible me’s with their various available flavors (sadness: now in cherry cream soda flavor!)… ready to destroy anyone that gets in my way… but subtly, with a velvet dagger, because I’m cultured enough to know that outright violence, anger-uncovered, will get me banished.
And with no shortage of various belief-systems ready to ‘back me up’ in the importance, genius, logic, right-ness of my particular emotion (& of course the other side’s emotion is simply quite silly, if not Dangerous 2 Society).
Good grief!
And here is perfection… once I can say, ok, I’ll die one day… ok, maybe this or that girl doesn’t want to make out with me… ok, maybe he or she left some dishes out on the counter… ok, maybe I’m alone tonight (or this year… or this decade…). Maybe I’ll get sick, maybe someone will be angry with me, maybe I’ll be poor, maybe something will break, something will rot. Someone won’t text me back, or I’ll lose in a game, or someone will think I’m stupid. These things happen all the time! That’s what’s going on, that’s actually this very scintillating universe in action, vibrating & flowing & all the other various fascinating things it does. Not to mention humans! Inventing new ways to do this or that left & right, and it’s actually fascinating in itself the emotional waves flying everywhere, in everyone & in myself. Perfection.
11|26|21
What’s in the way of ‘perfect,’ right now?
I forgot something that would have been useful to remember with a social element and I’m feeling guilt right now. I don’t think there’s a lot I can do about it, certainly not now that the forgetting has already happened. I certainly intended to take care of it / remember. Forgetting happened. Ok, I can live with that.
–
What’s in the way of ‘perfect,’ right now?
Mild tiredness.
A bit of ‘I don’t want to do ‘x’’
In the larger context I do want to do ‘x,’ though.
I guess that’s settled, then.
I can sit here tired. I can go do the task tired. Ok.
–
What’s in the way of ‘perfect,’ right now?
Jealousy: round IXVI: FIGHT!
Reading Peter on love & jealousy with some progress:
Over the next few days something continued to nag me. Why was it that this relationship seemed to be going off the rails? Why, increasingly, were there misunderstandings, petty conflicts and difficulties between us? Why was I becoming more and more obsessed about what Vineeto was doing when we weren’t together, and what she was thinking about when we were together? Over the next days I contemplated on what was wrong and suddenly it dawned on me that, despite our matter-of-fact contract and investigations, we had fallen in love! We were both exhibiting the classic symptoms, emotions and feelings associated with being in love. I was battling her and trying to force my opinions on her. I realized that I had been jealous, possessive, pushy, demanding and obsessive with her. And, most appallingly, I saw how when the impossible demands of love are not fulfilled then it can all so quickly turn to disappointment, resentment, withdrawal, spite and eventually hate. It had got to the stage where it was obvious to me that, unless something changed, this relationship was heading exactly the same way as all my previous ones – doomed to failure.
Armed with the conviction of the blindingly obvious, I confronted Vineeto with the news. I told her I was simply going to stop battling her and acting the way I had been. I remember her response as somewhat bewildered and unbelieving, but I knew that, at least, I had to stop the torment of raging feelings in me. What happened in the ensuing week was quite remarkable. I found that the strength of my intention for peace and harmony made me able to completely drop this destructive behaviour. Somehow I knew this was the only course of action I could take to make this relationship work and I knew it was my last chance. The realizing and facing of the facts, coupled with a clear intent, left ‘me’ with no choice. It wasn’t that ‘I’ made a decision – there was actually no decision to make. Action happened by itself, exactly as it would in swerving to avoid hitting another car while driving.
I’m beginning to feel similarly determined. The solution must be found.
–
I’m so worried that she’ll run off with someone else.
Why?
Because then she won’t be ‘here’ ‘with me.’
The possession is a belief, she isn’t here right now anyway.
I can’t guarantee that if I text her that she’ll respond anyway, and certainly can’t guarantee that it’ll be an excellent time between us. I’m trying to ‘set up’ something that can’t be ‘set up.’
And it’s controlling anyway. I know from my own past experiences how uncomfortable that is for her.
I can either continue the discomfort, or I can drop it.
Love love love love love love love love. Love.
That was what I was 100% about for like 6 or 7 years of life. All-in.
Right now it’s like gazing out at a huge open field below me. A glimpse of infinitude.
With love it’s all about her, with infinitude there’s no direction
Just consideration of what is happening, now.
Love is trying to ‘understand’ her, ‘pin her down,’ predict how she ‘fits into my life.’
Love will always try to shape her actions/life.
It creates a reaction in her when I love
Perfection/purity/PCE/freedom is non-reactive, non-influential, meaning ease for her.
Freedom for her means she is at ease to do what is best for her.
To act in her own life at ease without influence.
My jealousy is me ‘reaching-in’-to her life (energetically)
“Any outcome is ok with me except if you end up with another dude.”
“You are not free.”
“That outcome is bad.”
“I (who you love) am not safe if you choose to be with someone other than me.”
But I am safe.
Maybe she’ll spend her night elsewhere.
Think of someone else.
I’ll be alone.
There’s sweetness bleeding through my vision.
–
Talking with her on the phone and when it came time to hang up I felt numbing pain of unhappiness
Realization shortly after that it’s our group-nature, it’s safe when others are around and not safe when I’m alone
I’ve been playing the new Halo video game and it’s very obvious in that game that when I play with the group that there’s a lot more success, when I’m by myself I die a lot
It was the same for us in the wild for most of history, it’s only very recently that we’re quite safe in the world
So that energetic information was put there to keep me alive. But it’s not relevant anymore, it’s unnecessary pain.
So I just stopped
The stopping put me in a very very large space, everything was very sweet but ‘I’ was still there. It was a palpably sweet ‘I,’ with the actual very very close.
I came down when I went on some social media, because I was doing the same thing again, looking for ‘my’ group. I can investigate that more right now.
I do the same thing with this discourse group, everyone here becomes ‘my’ group so I’m needing to be a sheep being herded and a sheepdog ‘keeping everyone on the same page.’ Lol. It’s so intrusive.
And ‘I’ need feedback from others that I’m ok, that I’m safe, that I’m ‘doing the right thing.’
Best case scenario I get a ‘powerful’ ‘me,’ with a lot of influence over others. And I’m prodding them with that same invasive emotional control.
No sweetness in it. Any sweetness is too sticky, it leaves with a sour taste. ‘My’ fake sweetness. I’m sweet as long as you’re playing ‘my’ game, I’ve seen how fast it can turn.
Everything is so open right now. I can walk out my front door right now and just go wherever. Talk to whoever.
It’s all very close. In the past when I’ve been this close I’ve subsumed it into myself, bragged a lot about what I’ve accomplished. Another way to get more influence for my goals.
I’m going to become free, it’s not about the girls anymore.
There’s no one that can do what ‘I’ want anyway. That doesn’t exist. I’ve always blamed myself for that in the past.
The disappointment comes from the hope, which comes from the desire for someone to rescue me from feeling lonely. But the loneliness is only there because 5,000 years ago I wasn’t safe in the woods.
–
Perfection is now.
I really enjoy your entries Henry. Especially the jealousy parts have been intriguing and helpful lately.
I’ve managed to fall in love/lust for the first time in about 10 years so I was completely blindsided about how ridiculously hard being in love actually is. It’s interesting how it can seem so alluring when it’s in the distance (enough to make me go for it) but as soon as you’re in it it’s a screeching bag of weasels.
Nevermind @henryyyyyyyyyy Just wait long enough and nature will forget you exist.
So will your libido.
As long as you believe you need her, she will control you.
Remember when all of this started? A man and woman making a pact to look into anything that got in the way of peace and harmony, intimacy and sensuosity.
If such a woman isn’t in your life, then how will it happen? Fast forward 10 years ; it won’t.
You will wait. And wait.
We are social identities. The heart of society is the sexual paring of men and women. It is no wonder that of all the dramas Richard encouraged, having a partner was often a topic.
How would we discover that that is essentially all ‘we’ are? Social identity pasted over whatever this animal self is. (a more primative version of the matrix 
).
Regarding ‘jealous’ feelings.
Getting rid of the ‘bad’ feelings, without understanding that they come with a set of ‘good’ feelings, is a great way to stay a self.
Without ‘jealousy’, there is no 'possessive ’ feeling, without a ‘possessive’ feeling, no ‘protective’ feeling, without that no ‘caring’ feeling. Millions of years of evolution and thousands of years of civilisation are there for a reason. Even if the premise of actualism is that the ‘feeling suite’ is now obsolete, the method of actualism is feeling good, enjoying and appreciating and otherwise choosing to be as close to the actuality of things.
One, in other words, is choosing what drama they have, until they have had enough. The normal drama, where everything is about sex and social identity, or the personal, individual, journey towards being here and now fully enjoying being alive for it’s own sake.
Sorry about the lecture, i swear i am much more diplomatic in person. 
Thank you, I’m glad you’ve been finding interest!
Haha yes, that was my experience as well when I began my current relationship a couple of years ago. I was doing so well with actualism, and then once the relationship started I found all kinds of parts of ‘me’ that had apparently been concealing themselves! They’re hidden in that lonely-desire, I suppose.
@Andrew no apologies necessary, diplomacy only slows things down anyway lol!
Yes, this is true. Even further, as long as I have any desire for her she controls me.
You anticipated me: the shift I’ve been making this week has been all about re-directing the affective energy from ‘girls’ to ‘freedom/perfection.’ Where before all my interest has been arranging things to be attractive to women, I’m now using the ‘critical self’ (and its energy) toward noticing when I’m not in perfection, and making whatever corrections necessary to move into perfection.
The great thing is, I’m not really giving anything up: I’m free to spend my time making out with whoever, and a perfected Henry is the most attractive of all possible Henry’s.
11|27|21
Playing soccer last night I could see that I felt a similar desire-attraction toward another girl, and could similarly see the discomfort involved. Like I had to ‘do something,’ ‘get over there.’ I wasn’t able to just relax and appreciate her being there, it was that it wasn’t ok unless we had sex.
In the past I’ve always taken it for granted as that’s what attraction looks like, but now I can see the ‘push’ happening inside of me. That’s what I have to work on. I’d always seen it as a good thing.
It’s exciting when it’s happening but it means I have someone ‘in my sights’ with a ‘must,’ making it uncomfortable for them, and if I don’t get my desire then I’m unhappy too. And it’s recurring, no matter how many times I get what I want there’s another chance to be dissatisfied.
–
My approach to this point has been very me-centered, I’ve used my desire to be with girls as motivation to become more free, but now that desire is what’s in the way. ‘I’ can’t quite see how traipsing perfect-ly through the world is better than existing in love & lust.
Continuing to exist.
‘I’ still think I can get everything I want, that it’s worth it to keep fighting for my own ends.
I remember when I first found actualism I was delighted because for the first time, here was a verification of everything I had experienced. Where ‘normal’ says you can never be very happy, you just have to ‘grin & bear it,’ here was Richard saying that the sky is not the limit. Where the spiritual folks say you just have to love even more, here is Richard verifying my experience that love doesn’t work. As a means for having a good life it just doesn’t work. And it was so nice to hear that there wasn’t something ‘wrong’ with me specifically, it’s the human condition. Love doesn’t work for anyone. When I read those words I could see it immediately.
So it’s a bit funny that now 4 years later I’m hanging onto it so fiercely. Just shows the strength of it, I guess.
–
Now, I use the ‘critical me,’ ‘the one who has a problem,’ ‘the creator of separation,’ ‘the creator of loneliness,’ to notice when I am not in perfection over all other things. ‘My’ job, now, is to remove myself. It is the last thing ‘I’ have to do, and the most noble of all ‘my’ tasks to date.
I notice my own presence, and gently figure out why I don’t need to be there. In doing that, my loneliness, separation, dissipate. With that dissipation, perfection.
Nothing is going wrong anymore. It’s nothing but paranoia, ‘my’ paranoia. If I have a sense that something is going wrong, then I can use my very desire to ‘find something wrong’ to notice that I have a sense that something is going wrong.
–
Since starting doing it that way, I can see that ‘I’ have a problem with so many things all the time, it’s not just the big things. It’s constant chatter. That’s ok, it means I always have something to do. Some way to be useful.
I think that is the point of having ‘relationships’ in actualism. One can’t hide from the dawning realisation that i am a social identity, and that ‘i’ can never be free, because ‘i’ am the very reason for the issues ‘i’ seek freedom from.
I was reflecting on my comment about love, that it’s an attempt to shove the object of desire in the void one wishes to fill.
So, funny to see it like this. Just the visual of it. Jamming another person into one’s soul, to try and feel whole. 
11|29|21
What’s in the way of perfection, right now?
General worry.
Sort of anxiety.
There’s nothing to worry about. Hm
Everything I need is not ‘over there’ anymore, it’s already happening.
–
What’s in the way of becoming free, right now?
A little difficulty breathing… I’ve been down this before, but I do persistently keep feeling stuff about it. Worth a peek.
Obviously biological imperative there. Breathing is pretty useful for being alive.
I’m not in actual danger of dying (right now).
There are some things I can do to feel better.
Other than that, it’s just happening. Right now.
Just another thing that ‘I’ have a problem with. Always ‘on the lookout’ for trouble, me! Well, no real trouble here… I can move along.
Indeed, trouble is what trouble does.
11|30|21
What’s in the way of perfection, now?
Still a bit of ‘shepherding’ ‘my people.’
In actuality I don’t have any people.
Quite the weight off, actually!
Reading Srinath’s report of becoming free and he talks about his pacing, at first he says he’s going to use a ‘short runway,’ but then in the next paragraph says he was going to gather everything together experientially while focusing on the end, take his time, rather than force it. So, he kind of shifted.
And this prompted me to think, ‘I can go at my own pace,’ sometimes faster, sometimes slower. A lot of delight for me in that thought. I can put it together however I want, it’s ‘my’ immolation after all! And then the universe will come ‘pick me up’ when I’m ready.
Am I ready? Right now? What’s in the way?
Everything seems pretty perfect… still a bit worried about money…
Ok, the elephant in the room is maybe having to ask for help with money and/or work another job. ‘I’ do not like those options.
Ok, I can do those things.
What’s in the way, now?
Being alive is fun!!! (This is not an obstacle)
All the facts are the same, but there’s no trouble in it
12|2|21
Some kind of objection to perfection happening right now.
I’ve made a shift past worrying about rejection from others, I’m in a new space and I’m not quite comfortable here. Still a concern of ‘threat.’
It’s like I don’t know what to do now that I’m not thinking about possible rejection all the time. And that ‘vacuum’ feels threatening.
My vacuum.
I’m still concerned about outright anger toward me.
Implicitly I still think that my own anger is justified.
Usually when I’m angry it’s because of someone not performing the way I want them to.
There isn’t consideration for what they’re experiencing, or any reasons for what is happening.
I’ll keep the cycle of anger going. That’s what I’m doing. Anger and sadness.
I want them to ‘jump’ when I’m angry. It feels important. I just want my way.
What is so important? ‘My’ goals. My desires.
Worth it to me to be angry with people.
Whatever the situation is is obviously upsetting to me. If I’m angry. I want it to be different, I want them to ‘fix it.’ But it happened. Obviously it happened. For whatever reasons. I want to blame them. But it doesn’t make sense. People forget things, people are human in all kinds of messy ways.
It’s just ‘me’ thinking that it’s not ok.
It’s all perfect. This is where we are, humans running around human-ing. That’s what is happening. How can I be angry with them? We’re like children.
The normal reason to not be angry is moralistic, but that’s not the real reason. Nothing works how ‘I’ think. It’s just happening. There are always reasons for things. People can’t control themselves, it’s all very clumsy & forced. Everyone is so uncomfortable! Of course they can’t perform how we all imagine they should.
It’s ‘my’ idea of what they should be doing. Not what they’re doing.
So with their anger, it’s the same. It’s their idea of what should be happening… not what is actually happening. This is happening, right now. Every other ‘now’ has led to this now. Anger doesn’t make sense. It’s being angry with perfection. It’s only ever ‘my’ annoyance with perfection.
Everyone, everything, every situation I encounter is already perfect. The imperfect is a dream.
When I met Richard, one of the first things he said to me was that he couldn’t see the identity ‘Henry.’ He was interacting with the actual Henry, though he could observe how the identity was effecting the actual body. It’s all already perfect, it’s just ‘me’ in the way.
The actual is here, with the world as it is, with people as they are.
Anger is just another objection.
It doesn’t make sense for them to be angry with me. It doesn’t make sense for me to be angry with anyone. It’s a missed opportunity.
So I don’t need to worry if someone is angry with me. They’re confused. They’re missing everything. I used to say missing something, but it’s everything.
There’s a lot of space here. I’ve felt so limited in my movement my whole life, trying to avoid angry people.
–
A glimpse of the size of actuality, and dread swept over me. Freedom is on the other side of that dread. Somewhere in that dread is my misunderstanding.
‘I’ don’t get to come. I can see that now.
–
Is there any way out? It seems inevitable now.
I’m falling toward oblivion.
I have no idea what’s coming next. It’s bigger than anything I’ve ever seen before.
‘I’ never get to see the whole picture. I can only walk to the door and wait
And let myself go.
–
It’s way past where anyone can understand me. I have to go there on my own.
I keep trying to bring others along ‘with me,’ but it doesn’t work that way.
–
My objection right now is that I don’t want to be alone.
The real source of loneliness is that I object to what’s happening.
It can’t go better than perfection, and what is happening is perfection. I’m objecting to perfection…
Obviously ‘I’ don’t like it unless I’m being loved in some form.
Unless I feel loved
But it’s already me that can’t love myself consistently. The love doesn’t save me or anyone else. No one else can save me with it either.
I always have some objection to what I’m doing, and to what’s happening.
One definition of anger, or maybe one way anger is useful, (also with sadness), is a clear message that something is going wrong.
What ultimately is going wrong? Well, we can get caught up in the specifics, and they do matter, but the bigger picture matters more.
Who is looking after me? Regardless of which “me” we mean, I can’t just passively let it all happen without answering this question.
Is the universe a thing that has me specifically in mind? No, i see no evidence for that.
Reasoning away anger will lead to passivity. Which is the opposite direction to being vital, to taking hold of one’s “boot straps” and lifting oneself out of the mire.
Stay in anger until you are moving in a vital direction. Petty anger, is just a reasonable version of the true power available in the psyche. Frittering away time over petty anger is pointless. Better to get really angry at why one is not putting 100% into improving one’s lot, than pontificating over this or that petty grievance.
This is more a message to myself, obviously
Why do I need to feel loved? Best I can come up with for now is that’s it’s tied to some sort of social security, but I feel there’s more to it than that… Was looking for the cause now but that caused me to feel good again lol so need to wait till it’s back. Thoughts on the need to feel loved anyone?
Because it feels amazing. We run after good feelings and avoid bad ones. But get confused as to how to do that because failing to attain a good feeling leads to a bad feeling and also because it’s a competitive landscape so people are rooting for us to fail. These things leads to us voluntarily taking on extra stress (eg. working harder for more purchasing power) or hopelessness and alienation. Both lead to other disorders like addictions that tend to be a salve for both. We then validate our disorders while feeling uneasy about having them. But all that turmoil is started by chasing good feelings and avoiding bad. And love is the penultimate good feeling.
Interesting… and there is a sadness to chasing good feelings. It’s like “that good feeling is over there but I can’t get to it and that makes me sad”.
That’s true. I edited my reply to include that as you were writing.
