Journal de Henry

Journals
41

(Cont.)

Becoming free means disentangling from the light as a seductive force, and the dark as a repellent force.

The root of the latin Deus (God) is the proto indo-european ‘Dyeu’, meaning ‘to shine;’ the light. The lightness, the thing-that-we-chase, the original power; the thing that has its grip on us as beings. ‘I.’

It is ‘I’ that wants to control others… but I am the first one who is controlled. It is always the greater ‘I’ ruling: the one within all of us.

The instinctual, in-common.

The light coming out of the darkness.

And in the actual, no meta-physical light or dark. No emotion. No ‘I’ driving.

Good & evil, the opposites

Darkness as depression or flights of rage (vision darkening/tightening) as opposed to the light floatiness of love (or spotlight character)

Becoming ego by the persistent association of specific feeling-tones with specific things & ideas

–

Investigating (romantic) love & sex

Romantic love+sex being a spotlight form, ‘I want this specific thing’

I remember reading a PCE description on simpleactualism.com noting that each thing on a table had its own interesting character, almost like a little village

I’m considering how rather than that spotlight of desire pointing toward any particular thing, there is this fascination with the flavors of different people, how the specific details have so much richness & interest in them. That’s not something that comes from me, it’s inherent to the sensory-experiencing of the other. Or, even larger, in everything that I sense.

My belief is that I need to trigger desire in the other in order to be safe, for them to be devoted to me. But devotion isn’t a very fun existence for either party in the dynamic. And I’m safe either way… if they want to engage with me, awesome. If they don’t want to engage with me, then it’s not for the best for me to do any conniving to keep them around. They don’t want to be there, it’s never going to be a beneficial situation if there’s pressure. I am happy on my own.

The pressure from good & bad comes from such a different plane than the actual. It seems they’re only dimly related. The confusion of humans is extreme because of this… and every time ‘I’ press, I increase this confusion.

The actual is what’s happening. There isn’t confusion here. What’s happening is self-evident.

–

Others may approve of me or they may not simply because that is the action of being an ‘I.’

I can control that (to a degree) by projecting loving energy, but again that only increases their confusion.

I want to talk with them about actualism, about actual things, but if they’re more interested in hating me or loving me then there’s not a conversation there anyway. It’s not coming from clarity or their interest in their own experience. I’ve seen what it’s like when someone is in love with me. It gets in the way of freedom, of their happiness. They think they need me. When I feed their love for me, I feed their belief in needing me. Which is in direct opposition to their own freedom.

42

Yes, the opposite direction of their own freedom.

Vineeto said something to me in a private email, probably 10 years ago. Around the time Richard was being attacked over an email or message he supposedly sent to his then partner.

Being married at the time, and highly frustrated sexually, financially, ( in every way really) i couldn’t help but be thrown off course by the trolls.

She said, with regards to Richard’s family and behaviour, that aiming to be actually free is to hold oneself to a “standard far beyond” anything that the morality and religion of ‘reality’ dictates.

So, while ‘good’ and ‘evil’ swirl around in reality, considering a standard “far beyond” ‘good’.

That isn’t a direct quote by the way. However, the gist of it is correct.

Considering that it was always ‘my’ fear of missing out, etc, that ‘i’ played my part in holding ‘them’ in the human condition.

Like a drowning man pushing another under the water, just to get another gasp of air.

Staying in society is ultimately ‘selfish’. The corner stone of ‘society’ is the male vs female war. Otherwise called ‘relationship’. :sweat_smile:

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43

Thanks for sharing that @Andrew I’m really glad you mentioned this as it’s something I was thinking about recently.

I was thinking about how at some point I had to cut myself away from others, to make a break from humanity so that I could at least stop careering around in madness.

But I am starting to see that this cutting away is not the end goal. That yes morals and ethics will not provide the ultimate solution but they are the best that a well meaning humanity could come up with.

Now it is for me not just to cut myself away for my own peace of mind but to live something that is far far better than morality. To be actually caring and benevolent without the sorrow and malice that morality arises out of.

It is almost like coming around a full circle and realising that I do want to care for my fellow human beings but that as long as there is a personal involvement in it it will always be tainted and doomed to failure. Realising that there is something that is clean and pure and provides an answer that morality can never reach.

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44

Yes, something morality will never reach.

I am hijacking Henry’s journal here, but so be it.

Morality is ‘me’ getting what ‘i’ want from ‘you’.

I want ‘you’ to be ‘good’ (whatever definition i give that) so that ‘i’ can be ‘safe’.

Morality is so easy actually. It’s the peasants favourite tool. Pity, compassion.

How easy it is to be angry when someone breaks the ‘rules’. ‘i’ am anger. It’s easy to be me.

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45

Yes I am not sure what the general consensus is on posting on others journals? @henryyyyyyyyyy what’s your thoughts since it’s your journal?

46

@Kub933 go to town, I’ll get back into the discussion when I have some time :slight_smile:
If it really gets into another discussion we can always move a thread elsewhere.

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47

They’re all trying to figure out what is ‘good,’ trying to control what is ‘evil,’ and meanwhile freedom is right there. And what I’m trying to do is live in freedom, and show others where it is. It is quite literally in the opposite direction.

It’s always a fight! ‘My’ importance will allow for nothing less.

About a month ago this came home for me, I was feeling grumpy about something my partner was doing, it had a lot of force because I was worried for her safety*, there was a major emotional push within me that I then directed toward her.

Realizing that it was time to stop doing that was very strange… it feels so justified in the moment. If you saw that article above about the professor, it has that same character… and of course it is the same character as every guru in history. And it requires undermining my own beliefs about what is ‘important,’ what is ‘good’ & ‘bad.’

I have gone through this cycle a few times myself… never was it stronger than when I found actualism, actually. It became ‘my’ new morality. It’s only recently as I’ve become softer that it’s fun again to talk with people about these subjects… because I don’t need anything from them anymore. I’m not trying to manipulate them into becoming free anymore! The entire vibe of the interactions is different, and it means I don’t feel insecure with them anymore either.

:clap:t3::clap:t3::clap:t3::clap:t3:

*(Clarification: I did still talk with her about my concern, but realizing that it had to come from a clean place rather than ‘me’ demanding with my emotion.)

48

I’ve been asking people individually if they’re interested in responses/feedback or not

Speaking for myself, I have a lot of free time to do this and I’m very interested in others’ responses, so post away! I’m reminded of something Richard likes to say… it’s impossible to go wrong in the actual world.

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49

11|20|21

Realizing the significance of ‘being’ perfect

With recent experiences of clearly seeing myself ‘being’

‘Me’ being perfect is the closest to the actual

As Richard reminds, it is dangerous territory, as love agape, ultimate power, and universal compassion lurk.

The danger is exciting… I can become ‘all-powerful,’ or I can become free.

I am perfect, it’s not something I have to do or force into being. It’s just what is experientially happening.

Every word falls automatically into place

My feet find each next step

I already know what to do in each moment. Any ‘mistake’ is the process of learning - honed over the millions of years of life-forms.

The expansive openness of everything is actually infinite. Everything can go anywhere. There is a deep satisfaction at having arrived here.

I have an image of pulling my beach-chair up to watch the end of the world… a mushroom cloud rising, immense light, and me sitting comfortably… mai-tai in hand.

There is fascination at the unfolding of events, both inner & outer

I finally have approval… it is my own approval. I am doing the perfect thing. What I have always wanted. There is more to happen, but no more for ‘me’ to do. Everything from here is easy, as easy as hanging my coat up by the door. It happens automatically.

–

When ‘I’ came down from perfection, it was because of feeling broken-hearted.

I still wish for others to approve of me that way.

They can’t.

They’re all too self-important for that to happen.

I’m on my own now… the universe is with me. But I don’t have humanity anymore.

Snow is falling outside.

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11|22|21

Volatility: UP

My partner visited from out of town as a surprise this weekend, and we have a non-exclusive arrangement and she’s dating another man as well (a friend of mine of 10+ years!). The jealousy is there, and has had various crests throughout the 3 months or so that she has been seeing him. That has been useful in getting to know what the ‘me’ consists of in jealousy. It’s also interesting because the current situation is a mirror of spring of 2020, when I was seeing another woman in addition to her, and tellingly the emotional relating is mirrored in both of us. I’ve been able to learn from her experiences with jealousy, and she has an understanding of what I am experiencing now. This has all been useful for investigation & a relaxed attitude toward the whole thing.

It’s clear that ‘I’ swing between love-states and love-expressing-as-jealousy. When ‘I’ feel that my status as ‘successful man with partner’ is threatened. When she is not relating to me the way I’d like her to, I get extremely insecure. This is related to my beliefs about what my status as a person is, I require her to do certain things for me for me to feel good about myself. When she doesn’t do those things for me, or even worse when she does them with someone else and not me, then I feel that I have failed / am a failure in being a man/human, and give myself a believed status as-in, “this means all women will relate to me this way,” felt-status as loser/pathetic, in other words ‘being’ a loser, ‘being’ pathetic, ‘being’ sad, ‘being’ lonely, ‘being’ abandoned.

These are all things that I allow myself to ‘be’ when she is not relating to me exactly the way I want her to.

The fantastic thing about our arrangement is that we have that past mirror-experience: I do not want to (attempt to) force her to relate to me in a certain way, because I remember being on the other side and the delight that I experienced in being able to see another woman, the relaxed ambience of seeing the open possibilities.

Now that I am on the other side, the open possibilities fill ‘me’ with insecurity. There is no way out for me but freedom. I am not interested in maintaining possession.

Last night I was shaking in insecurity, which as I explored came to more have the character of doom (driven by ‘I cannot control what will happen; I may well wind up alone; I do not know how she or any other woman will relate to me in the future.). I was circling in the doom, deep big doom. It felt similar to the dread Richard experienced with apprehension of actuality, though not as big. This was social doom.

I could see that when I was very young, the doom was ‘I do not know and cannot control how my parents will relate to me.’

As I grew into a child, that became ‘I do not know/cannot control how friends will relate to me,’ and then ‘I do not know/cannot control how pretty girls will relate to me.’

I have engaged myself in numerous tactics over time in attempts to control that - actualism among them. “If I am free, I will be attractive to friends and attractive women alike.”

Richard encouraged me to use that as a rocket booster: that is ‘my,’ that is Henry’s, that is my deepest desire: connection, enjoyment, peace & harmony with the other.

This seems to be the breaking point: that desire is now causing more trouble than progress.

Remembering what it was to be on the other side of the dynamic, I have a window to the delight, peace, wonder that an open allowance to the other can be.

I want her to be free.

Which means I must be free from myself. It is ‘me’ who is causing myself this grief. When I lie there and feel doom (becoming insecurity), I am causing the ensuing grief. Which becomes in her: guilt. Followed by indignation, distaste. Followed by pain, followed by misery-depression…

She is free to do what she will, I am free to express my preferences & interest, I am free to not see her if I’d prefer, she is free to not see me if she’d prefer, we are both free to say this or that. That is what is happening.

What is, is insecurity, doubt, pain, doom.

What can be is freedom, happiness, delight, lightness, enjoyment, appreciation for her and actually the entire package of this manifest universe.

Amusingly, in the middle of this the other woman I had been seeing is returning to town & it appears likely that we will reconnect.

It’s very strange & fascinating how these things move.

Whenever ‘I’ am, confusion & suffering abound.

When ‘I’ am not, it is all perfection. Every part.

Interestingly, when a woman is not around me, I have more time for this type of investigation - especially of this typ-ing variety (hehe). So this progress of the last month+ has come as a direct result of my ‘partner’ being out of town. And maybe sometimes she is with this other man, or any other man! But that time doesn’t have to be me sitting there miserable. It is one of the many doors to freedom. The thought of the last month being anything other than what it has been actually seems like a terrible idea, ridiculous. I can’t imagine wanting to change any of it. It has gotten me here.

So then when another man is in the picture, or she chooses someone else over me, I throw all of that out the window & collapse into a pathetic blob of sadness on the floor. (incidentally: saying ‘I’ am pathetic has no weight to me at all - it is the most accurate word for ‘my’ being in those moments. It is an excellent descriptor for that mood: 1.arousing pity, especially through vulnerability or sadness. 2. miserably inadequate; of very low standard)

She (or whoever!) WILL do things that can reduce ‘me’ to ‘pathetic!’ How silly of me to keep that around, knowing fully that such situations WILL arise. Do I really want to be pathetic? No! Does it give me the results I want, being pathetic? No! Does it make the situation for anyone else better? No! Does it enable an excellent life? Certainly not!!!

I’m just out here!!

Others will do all sorts of things! Sometimes people even do things for the very purpose of creating jealousy in another! It is a part of their game, their very playbook of ‘being.’ And here am I, quite primed to be the victim to their play. Not to mention all the very reasonable things that people do, and which I am prepared to make a whole silly drama about & cause the other great heartache (though that is their own heartache, I happen to be privileged to understand well enough that ‘my’ drama will most likely lead to their heartache…. rendering it avoidable).

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51

(Cont)

Even in this arrangement the jealousy seems to have a similar character to a breakup, when I’m not being chosen in whatever moment.

So maybe a question for myself is, how can I ‘be’ perfect in that situation?

That moment is perfect as well

All this has to do with some deep level of acceptance/rejection

Of myself/others.

Perfection as the third alternative.

Pretty much just choosing to go on with my perfect day when that happens.

Ya people will reject me

They’ll think I’m lesser/worse/worth-less.

That’s their belief.

–

I strongly desire the approval of others

Specifically those I’m attracted to/love.

–

Looking up some of Richard’s writing on being a loser:

Put succinctly: that pain has no existence here in this actual world.

Perhaps a personal anecdote may be explanatory: many years ago, when in the company of three others, the identity then inhabiting the flesh and blood body typing these words was waxing eloquent about what ‘he’ had achieved/what ‘he’ was yet to achieve, thus far, whereupon a person of the ‘thou shalt not be judgemental’ ilk, who had been listening somewhat impatiently, interrupted the flow of experiential knowledgeability rather brusquely so as to (non-judgementally) assert that ‘his’ problem was that ‘he’ saw life in terms of winners and losers … to which averment ‘he’ replied, with words to the effect, that ‘he’ had no intention whatsoever of allowing blind nature to be the winner.

Needless is it to add that, had it not been for that identity’s totally dedicated/utterly devoted pure intent to not have intelligence be the loser, yet again for the umpteenth billionth time, this conversation would not be taking place (and that neither would this mailing list exist either)?

By the way … another thing ‘he’ would stress, over and again, was that one is to be scrupulously honest with oneself if one is to succeed at that task.

So basically it’s ok to recognize that if I have a particular intention, for that intention to not work out it is indeed a failure in that moment.

So in this case I may have a particular intention to hang out with my partner and then she chooses not to, then I’ve not succeeded in what I was shooting for.

As simple as if I go down to the shore, fishing-rod in hand, and attempt to catch fish, and I don’t catch any fish, that is a failure to catch fish.

It doesn’t say anything particular about future fishing endeavors, though I may learn something useful about fishing via that experience.

And the key is that it doesn’t necessitate pain.

I tried to do ‘this,’ and I couldn’t/didn’t. I lost, I failed.

The difference is that ‘I’ not existing to take offense/feel pain at the situation.

I have a major competitive streak too, so it makes sense that that narrative comes up here. I can’t stand to ‘be a loser.’

I think something bad will happen if I’m a loser, but it’s a bit self-defining if I’m feeling bad when I lose

In the case of the fish it’s because they’re not biting (for whatever reason), in the case of my partner it’s that they don’t want to be around me (for whatever reason). Maybe I can learn what those reasons consist of, but the bigger aspect is that failure happens from time to time (and with many many ventures, more often than not!) and that it’s not something that needs to contain pain.

From the same source as above:

Both winning and losing are a fact of life … nobody, but nobody, can be a winner all of the time, at all things, on all occasions, without exception.

This all raises another interesting aspect of this, which is: what am I prioritizing having success in? What’s the next thing to put my energy toward? Every day I aim to have success with feeding myself & maintaining shelter over my head because those are necessary for continuing life (something which I apparently think is worth-while). Then, it’s apparent that I highly value having success with romantic partners. It’s a question of how highly my interest in becoming free fits into that pecking-order. Am I willing to sacrifice peace if it means the other will be with me? What things am I aiming to have success in? What am I shooting for? And, how can I have success in those things?

52

Old Jewish proverb @henryyyyyyyyyy,

“in the multitude of words, sin is not absent”.

It seems that you are deliberately setting yourself up to experience jealousy!

I completely understand that scenario, so it’s an observation rather than advice.

You will experience the drama you need until you have had enough of it.

53

I definitely am, I think I’ve tended to set up extreme ways of thinking & existing to ‘turn up the contrast’ on ‘me’ so I can more clearly see what’s going on. That has sometimes been more useful than others.

In this case, I can clearly see that I have multiple ways ‘out’ - I can ask to be monogamous, I can break off the relationship, and so far I’ve been choosing option ‘C,’ figure out my jealousy.

I will say that my process over the last couple of days has involved really seeing that options A & B are available, and that depending on conditions may be the best options.

Yes, that is a fact. I was thinking about these words while driving to work, I tend to get very intellectual, thought-based in my approach when the more important aspect here is ‘being.’ What am I ‘being?’

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@henryyyyyyyyyy I am glad you know the options.

You have written a lot above, however i didn’t catch if the non-exclusive arrangement was your idea or not?

As far as investigating anything, would you rather it was exclusive?

Not that it would really mean less jealousy per se. That’s par for the course.

I am thinking about this regarding my working situation. Obviously, i need to work, but it is very difficult being around people. Full stop. :joy: Ha, no the point is spending 8 hours a day being triggered by these people seems silly considering that given some effort, i could come up with a better working situation.

I can’t see you being better or worse off naturally, jealous is jealous, but i wonder if it (the arrangement) was your idea or not.

That’s where i would start investigating this particular issue.

What would you want, if you could have anything?

55

Part of what has made my jealousy so surprising was, that it has always been my idea! Even before starting the current relationship, I knew that I was aiming for something ‘open,’ and I have gone to great pains making that clear with her and have persevered with it through various ups & downs. It is very clear to me that that’s what I want. So, when the jealousy swooped in, in such stereotypical fashion, I was quite surprised.

I do think I’d like to continue with it, if only because from my own side I like to have the option of seeing others as part of the expectation/arrangement.

And with that, all that’s left to do is take care of my own discomfort. Another part that is obvious to me is that I don’t want to ‘step in’ and ‘say no’ to something that she is enjoying, and as long as I enjoy hanging out with her / there is mutual benefit from that, I want to continue seeing her. Subject to change, as all things are.

If I could have anything, I would have a few different people (I guess between 0 and like… 3 maybe?) that I saw in varying amounts, and that they were equally to come & go & see others as they chose. Another aspect of all this that I’ve explored quite a bit is freedom in terms of coming/going/time spent. Especially as more people are involved that becomes a key aspect, and tellingly has been big jealousy fodder for me (as in, ‘she is spending too much time with them and not enough time with me’).

(edit: There’s something interesting about the concept of like ‘seeing people.’ I already go around and hang out with all kinds of different people, some regularly, some randomly, and the only difference between ‘relationship’ and ‘not relationship’ being if there is sex or not. Which is totally arbitrary as a ‘line.’ So with that in mind I don’t want any lines or rules… outside of care taken to avoid STDs/unwanted pregnancies.)

That has always kept my feet moving regarding work places: if a work situation is sub-optimal, I am free to go elsewhere (within the bounds of this physical universe, of course!), and that there are so many individuals in this world with so many different means of providing for themselves (I would estimate 3 billion or so ‘working’ in the normal sense of the word), that it’s foolish of me to sit in one situation moaning about it when I could work toward finding something else. And it can look like almost anything (perhaps I could mention onlyfans as being one option out there in the world - not as advice but as an example of the range).

With that approach, I have had about 12 jobs at this stage (I am 32 and have been working since I was 14, with the bulk of the work-years at just one of those jobs), and am currently in the most amicable of the jobs to date. Personally what I’ve found is that most of what a job consists of in terms of quality is the character of one’s boss/direct supervisor, one’s coworkers, and then a distant third in terms of importance is the work itself… though that does still matter.

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11|23|21

What’s preventing me from becoming free right now?

I’m watching soccer and I’m not quite at ease

Trying to figure out my plans for the afternoon and how they’ll work with my workday in terms of timing

A little guilt for ‘skipping out’ of work for the afternoon

Can I say, ‘this is what I am doing’ without guilt?

I’m a bit torn within myself because I also want the money, so I’m going two ways internally

I’m imagining my boss being angry with me for taking the afternoon off

The problem is I think his anger would be justified

Which clearly means that I think anger in general is justified in certain cases

In other words, I haven’t become free of anger.

It really is in terms of good & bad for me around this issue right now.

I am humanity!!!

And I’m scared of the anger, hm hmm

I think I just needed to re-check within myself what I see as reasonable/sensible, and then whatever anyone else getting angry doesn’t bother me because I’m confident I’m doing what I see as best, any feedback is accepted but anger is clearly seen as being ridiculous.

It’s actually funny because I had a dream last night that I was having a disagreement with my dad (about what screws to use in a certain construction project, lol) and I was super cut up about it. So this seems a similar situation, a discomfort with disagreement. It’s challenging for me to exist in that situation. So it’s nice having some direction with that.

–

What’s keeping me from becoming free right now?

I’m a bit tired, but I can be a bit tired. That’s ok.

Now I’m getting into a bit of perfection

It’s interesting, it doesn’t feel like such a big deal, I’m not getting excited. I’ve been here before, I know how to get here. It’s still delightful. There’s satisfaction in that.

What a journey it has been, and now I’m locked onto the actual, it’s almost filling my vision. After all that time of having the wrong idea, of having to ‘figure it out,’ of being confused in various ways
–

Felt a wave of frustration earlier at the continual conflict that I experience with others… it is clear that they will not stop. I can see that I carry wounds about that as ‘I’ have become an ‘adult’ and attempted to ‘find my way in the world.’

As I’ve grown physically, there is a believed expectation that as an adult I’m supposed to have ‘figured it out’ or ‘man up’ or ‘deal with it,’ but it feels so rotten to be fighting all the time. And here is the third alternative, of dropping myself entirely and with nothing to defend having no reason to attack. Not quite there yet. But I am very interested right now.

I wind up fighting because of beliefs that there’s somewhere ‘over there’ that it’s important I get to, and that apparently, to me, that necessitates getting angry with others, frustrated with others. And on the other side feeling sad, disappointed when I don’t get my way.

I don’t need anyone to agree with me to be free, right now.

I don’t need anyone to think that I’m good, to like me. To be free. To enjoy life to the maximum possible.

I don’t need to have all the workplace success. I don’t need to date all the girls.

Everything that is happening, is happening right here & right now.

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Hi @henryyyyyyyyyy

Is your “wizard” explanation in this thread? Sorta hard to search without rereading everything.

58

@Andrew

I was able to use the search tool & find it (with the ‘search this topic’ box checked)

59

11|24|21

Made something of a breakthrough around ‘relating’ this morning.

Last night, my partner shared something on social media that immediately filled me with disgust/anger. I went through various stages of feeling that I should push the feeling away (that it was ‘wrong of me’ to feel that), of feeling that I should say something to her (this one came up several times; I don’t think there’s anything bad about doing that, but I wanted to figure out my own emotions out first), and of trying to figure out how I should relate to her.

This last one ended up being the most relevant, I allowed myself to follow the thread of various ‘options’ of relating, whether it be express certain boundaries to her, or break up, or arrange for us to see each other in some situations but not others, to break up but not yet, to ‘wait & see’ (but still with an eye toward ‘determining the best relating.’

When I eventually tired myself out (at this point I had returned mostly to feeling good, thanks to allowing myself to genuinely consider the options), I fell asleep and had a very interesting and relevant dream:

I was at an event with some friends (for some reason I was being drug tested too… I forgot this element until just now, interesting), and I found myself sitting next to a pretty girl… my attraction was palpable. Our hands touched. She was shy/cautious/not showing her cards. We talked, face to face. Eventually we ended up in a context of her workplace… she was doing this & that & I was helping in some capacity. I felt ‘close’ to her.

At this stage another former-partner came into the scene (energetically this was equivalent to my current partner… interesting, because I had mentally accepted the possibility of breaking up just before falling asleep): she was saddened by my interest in this ‘new girl.’ I can still see the mournful expression on her face. I followed her to talk to her, explain, comfort her. When I returned, looking for the new girl, she had left. I actually saw her crossing a parking lot, getting into her car, and driving away. At this stage of the dream I somehow found myself hanging from some rusty machinery, maybe 30 feet in the air, barely preventing myself from falling… there was no way I could follow her, and even my survival was questionable. I let out an animal, mournful howl. Even I was surprised at that, in the dream.

On awakening, I was struck by the intensity of my emotions, the deep direct purity that was ‘me’ in the dream: all that is Henry was laid bare - I have been pursuing that type of situation since I was very young, and similarly have felt the need to comfort the sad. Both are extremely strong seductions for me.

What is immediately clear is that the archetype is in me: I desire a girl to fill that particular role for me, and similarly I am on the lookout for sad people to comfort. The ‘recognition’ happens automatically in ‘me,’ the unconscious. In that sense, to ‘me,’ my partner is only filling a role: sometimes she is the ‘desirable pretty girl,’ sometimes she is the ‘sad one’ who must be comforted, sometimes she is ‘bad’ and must be corrected, etc etc etc.

Shortly after awakening, I read Claudiu’s Journal post about Consideration, and it injected greater clarity to the situation:

‘I’ am trying to navigate the world through the fulfillment of feeling-based dream-archetypes, when here before me (technically she is in another city right now but you get the idea :wink: ) is an actually-existing human being. It requires an entirely new way-of-being; one in which relating itself no longer exists:

“After a while I turn to my partner who is sitting in the shade beneath a wonderfully gnarled and ancient tree on the lake’s edge. There sits a fellow human being to whom I have no ‘relationship’. Any past or future disappears; she and I are simply here together, experiencing these perfect moments. The past five years that I have known her, with all the memories of good and bad times, simply do not exist. It is just delightful that she is here with me, and I do not even have any thoughts of ‘our’ future.” (Peter)

The ‘relating’ is only ever ‘my’ emotional way-of-being ‘in relation’ to another ‘being.’

The entire situation that I was trying to ‘figure out’ the night before (and to a larger extent my entire life) does not exist. As Claudiu points out, I can

“(allow) the actual body’s actual intelligence to inevitably, inexorably, with no decision-making required per se, arrive at what is indeed clearly the most optimum thing that can possibly be done given a situation”

This works in every direction: I don’t have to ‘relate’ to the pretty girl, I don’t have to ‘relate’ to a sad person, I don’t have to ‘relate’ to a friend, I don’t have to ‘relate’ to someone engaging in malice, or someone threatening me in any way. It’s just an emotional interruption of the actually-existing fact of what is happening.

Safe to say my mind is blown and I expect further repercussions of this to come out.

Our previous attempts to arrange our relationship are now clearly visible as futile attempts at mimicking the actual, though I do have a great appreciation for those attempts as they made the actual emotional interplays clearer.

I have shared this investigation with her and am excited to see what comes next!

(Additional thanks to @Andrew for asking some questions which inched me closer to clarity in seeing what ‘I’ was ‘putting in place’)

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Additionally, the way forward is clear: I now ‘relate’ to everything I encounter as near to perfection as I can: this is perfect, that is perfect, he is perfect, she is perfect.