Yea I just found it strange to phrase it that they “come together”. To me that makes it sound like the desires both continue to coexist but are somehow satisfied, which isn’t possible. But it’s rather that one or both disappear or make way for the other or something else.
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As soon as we use the word “addiction”, we invoke a moral “wrong”.
Are we wrong to be “selves”?
Is it wrong to be what we were born to be?
Is it “right”?
It’s neither. It is as it is. The universe is perfect. Without flaw. Infinitely pure. Not a blemish, or a shadow of error.
At 3am this morning I desired to go to the gym, and desired to stay in bed. I stayed in bed and enjoyed that I could also go to the gym if I wanted.
I experience it as:
- I start out with 2 desires that are in conflict
- If I try to simply dismiss them or find an intellectual solution, it’s only ever a superficial answer which doesn’t ‘stick’ - ‘I’ remain unconvinced
- An answer which will ‘stick’ must strike deeper - it must satisfy ‘me’
- Further, I need to satisfy both ‘sides’ of ‘myself’
- Luckily, ‘I’ will listen to reason & facts when ‘I’ see that it will give ‘me’ the best chance to have success
- There is a set of observable facts on the ground which will result in a singular most sensible answer or path to take - even if simply as a decision (eg., “I’m not sure but I’ll try this direction”)
- Using those facts on the ground satisfies both ‘sides’
So yeah I suppose it all is the same thing 
I’ve arrived at this semi-involved way of looking at investigation because I have a history of surface-level investigations which hasn’t resulted in ‘me’ changing substantially… I’ve had greater success making sure that I’m really seeing ‘my’ concerns, giving them the time of day, and answering those concerns/desires as a friend to myself rather than as a hostile external entity that just wishes ‘I’ would go away
Yes, this has been the satisfaction I’ve discovered from peeking under the addictions this weekend. Much greater clarity about my situation. There’s also integrity (there’s that word again lol) via not hiding
I’ve been experiencing something similar frequently lately, it’s like this ‘firewall’ keeping me from making further progress… “yes I’m very happy… but I’m not as happy as I was that one time 8 months ago / 3 years ago / 15 years ago…”
Not sure what the resolution is just yet, though I can superficially see that it’s quite silly. For me it may be a case of nipping that in the bud when it happens
Agreed - conflicting desires is more accurate. Conflicting fears occur, as well. Or, desiring and fearing the same thing
The interest in ‘getting all parts of myself on board’ is because ‘I’ can see that I’m not having success in my own desires (the addictions aren’t satisfying… and I feel more miserable because I’m withdrawn from whatever initial deeper desire was there), so ‘I’ pull up my bootstraps and wade in (investigation / reflective contemplation).
There has to be a recognition that what I’m doing is not working… for my own goals and standards. I’ve found this results in the most sincere of investigations.
“I’m an idiot,” “I’m weak,” “I’m stupid” etc etc. are merely cop-outs preventing me from becoming free. Every time I’ve ever pushed back at those, I’ve had success. They’re like jump-scares in a haunted house
I have no particular issue with video games, smoking, drinking, etc.
But when they’re used as an escape from whatever bad feelings, they actually keep those bad feelings alive
…and ‘I’ know it.
The outcome of this situation is an even deeper hole of self…
“I can’t achieve my desires… all I ever do is flee into this/that/the other addiction… I am pathetic… I feel terrible… ok, time for a few more rounds of Halo until I collapse into bed, too exhausted to think”
Whereas approaching those bad feelings, I can discover the reason for them and work with that… I know I’m on the right track when it’s painful. It’s surgery on long-rotten flesh… preferably without anaesthesia.
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I want to emphasize one more time that the most productive thing I’ve found is working with my desires on these different issues.
Ok I want to date pretty girls / have interesting conversations with people / have material success… what is the most effective way to achieve those ends?
Moving from dream-desire to fact-based action, which is what the desire was for all along.
The addictions prevent me from getting what I want
And in the end the ultimate goals of ‘me’ are the same as actualism: peace, harmony, achieving the very best possible.
Discussing primal fear w @Andrew
Fortuitously came across this Reddit comment by nervous_constant_642
“ Idk. Everyone dies. Can’t worry too much about the when where why unless there’s something you can do about it.
In a morbid way sometimes I like to be reminded. If today is my last day, I’m going to enjoy it. Then sometimes I wake up and do it all over again. Not even always because I worry about dying, I just want myself to know to appreciate the little things. And that time is a pretty fucking precious thing to have to appreciate everyone and everything you have in your life.
“Every step of the way, we walked along,
“Your days are numbered,
“So are mine,”
-Bob Dylan”
Usually when I’m reminded of mortality I’m motivated to go into the fantasy…
Why morbid? That’s the whole point!!! 
And What if this hour is your last hour? What if this minute is your last minute … and what if it’s actually always now? 
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Enjoyed this very much henrryyyyyyyyy 
If our heart stops beating, we have between 2 to 20 seconds before our brain runs out of oxygen and we black out. If our heart doesn’t restart, we are brain dead in a few minutes.
Let’s call that 10 seconds to black out.
US fighter pilots had a system they called “Bitching Betty”. It’s a recorded voice warning them that they are pulling too many "G"s and will black out soon.
We have our own Bitching Betty, it’s call a method though.
Rare sudden death scenarios aside ( fatal car accidents, being shot, falling off buildings etc) we have around 10 seconds of “guaranteed” living at any moment.
What if all the love narratives I’ve been chasing just don’t exist? All that exists, I can confirm experientially
I see no ‘love’ here
Time to find out. Sounds like a thrilling adventure. 
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What if I’m not losing out on anything by not fantasizing?
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Thanks for the question. I am going to do this. Who knows?
A lot of my fantasy is possession. Having her. Whichever her. It’s the game rather than the result.
More dopamine is released in anticipation of reward, than actual reception of reward
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Isn’t love itself the fantasy? It’s almost impossible to distinguish love from the fantasies that make it up. Love itself is a creation, so it makes sense that pursuing love you are actually pursuing a fantasy, a very deeply entrenched fantasy. Like all the fantasies it never delivers.
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All the fantasies turn on approval occurring, whether it is an individual (a lover) the larger social group, or even myself (seeing myself or certain prospective accomplishments as ‘cool’).
But it’s an impossible situation because the actual world - this physical world - is incomprehensible to that lover, to the group, and to ‘me.’
I will always remain disappointed (disapproving) in myself because the actual world can never 100% match the beliefs about what should be happening. The best that ever happens is brief moments that I believe “I’m getting what I want!” before things go a different direction, because this actual world is constantly changing in ways far, far beyond my hopes
Approval = love
I can’t ever approve of this actual world. That’s why the enlightened beings have to invent an entire fantasy-land.
‘I’ can see that the best thing to do is to immolate, as one final act of love. The most caring thing I could possibly do, because it ends the suffering.
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But going by your equation wouldn’t that self immolation be the final act of seeking approval? Of ‘being’ someone special after all?
It seems to me that love plays no part in becoming free, caring perhaps or an empathy. But love will keep ‘me’ rooted in ‘being’.
It’s funny because my post above was more an individual realisation for me this morning when I read your post. I finally saw so clearly that love itself is the fantasy, it has no ‘ground’, it cannot exist without fantasy. The other realisation was that I can confidently say I have virtually eliminated love, it just plays no part in my life anymore, not even for poncho 
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There is guilt when one starts to move outside of love. A betrayal. Love is there to cover over the shittiness of myself and others.
A blank cheque.
So whatever you want, I will always love you.
Yet, it’s the love that one wants for oneself that is the most addictive. That someone would willingly blind themselves to the self that I am.
Of course, one can reverse all of this, up to the point of being the least shitty person possible.
Transforming into a remarkable person, in the actualism sense is one who is aligned with the actual.