Journal de Henry

[son_of_bob]

@henryyyyyyyyyy

It’s time, @son_of_bob! Each step of investigation, each new step toward felicity, is going deeper into the hinterland of humanity. Facing your own cowardice is bravery itself, and everything humanity has yearned for is on the other side. It’s all worth it. I have such an appreciation for you and everyone here who is facing this down. Facing down their humanity.

Hell yeah! F*** the self!

I had this encounter yesterday, the first time somebody has actually intentionally harmed one of my kids. This annoying kid knocked my eldest daughter off her bike intentionally. I told him off and then my wife came out and told him even more furiously. The kid was with his siblings on bikes too and went back to his dad and lied that I was taking pictures of them. So his dad came over asking why are you taking pics of my kids. I was shocked at how calm I was, I just said I am not taking pics of your kids, me and my missus told your little one off for knocking into my little girl (not really little anymore) and didn’t like getting told off so has come running to you making up I am taking pics of him. I have kids myself, you think I would take pics of somebody else’s kid without permission. He then told off his boys for hurting a girl and made them all take their bikes in and go inside lol.

In the past I would have been too afraid to talk with someone like him. He is an ex prison convict, for burglary. He is one of the local tough guys most people fear. His friends look like the sort of people who would beat you to death for fun. His kids are terrible though, they make me want to use the derogatory term we have here called chavs. I was surprised to see my aggression triggered towards children though. They really have no fear or boundaries about doing whatever they want these kids. One of them climbed on a roof of a shed and urinated in a neighbours garden recently too. I am pretty sure there will be other clashes with this family ahead too. The residual affects of the aggression lasted the rest of the day until sleep.

@henryyyyyyyyyy

I’ve seen before that seeing fear itself is the most frightening thing, it’s like placing two mirrors facing eachother. That fear can mount infinitely. It is courage itself to go there.

Great description, I am stealing that one.

@henryyyyyyyyyy

With those investigations come confidence. With confidence the real-world fearlessness comes too. I’m facing down all these real-world investigations around girls for about the 1,000th time and it is getting easier. That is the real-world success and fearlessness coming around, almost as a side-effect. It’s part of what gets ‘me’ on board with all of this.

Same, it is getting easier to see into my inner workings openly and sincerely.

@henryyyyyyyyyy

I think that it is who ‘I’ am, distilled. Richard describes the self as this snivelling frightened lonely thing. You’ve found yourself

My dad used to always call me a sniveller.

@henryyyyyyyyyy

I remember doing an investigation a couple years ago sitting in front of a mirror and making a sincere appraisal of the person I saw. As if I had just met myself for the first time. And what I saw was a pathetic person. I exuded it. And I’m realizing now that that’s the core of my investigation last night as well. I feel pathetic, I yearn for adoration to ‘prove’ that I’m not pathetic, I fall short, and I hunt for some other way to prove it. That’s what the whole drama is about. But there is only one permanent solution to being pathetic, and that is to not ‘be’ at all.

That is deep. I came to a similar conclusion too. I am trying to be less pathetic bit by bit too.

@henryyyyyyyyyy

This is just another way to cover up the pain, I think. I’ve recently seen that anger comes directly on the heels of sadness… aggression to fight my way out of the sad loneliness that is ‘me’

Yes, it is what I didn’t like about AF at first, I knew it was going to change me and I would not be the same ever again.

@henryyyyyyyyyy

Ah! So you haven’t given up!

It’s funny how we can hold these contradictory beliefs

Yes, but is more a base attention for me rather than the need for a relationship or love. It was more an egoic need for attention and lust.

@henryyyyyyyyyy

You’ve had PCEs and EEs, right? ‘You’ aren’t safe in ‘yourself,’ ‘you’ is suffering itself. But the actual world is safe… when you can get the scent of the actual world in your nose, the safety is intuited there

Yes, PCE’s not since 2007 but EE’s are happening regular now. Your description is in line with what I have experienced. But the problem is not feeling safe when I am not in these states. My sense of self is this vigilant gatekeeper who believes he knows best in keeping me safe, I am afraid to give way…to concede control…it is weird…

@henryyyyyyyyyy

I’ve noticed you speaking a lot about how much you’ve enjoyed creativity as an addiction… one aspect of creative work is fascination, which is also an attribute of apperception.

Yes, I have always been a deeply fascinated and curious kid. I always turned that fascination into creative input though, linking new ideas and creating a new internal world from the things that fascinated me. If I had just followed that fascination directly, I think I would have had a PCE sooner in my life. I agree, most of my EE’s have had that fascination, wonder and curiosity in play.

@henryyyyyyyyyy

The more fascination, the closer I am to the actual world, and the safety becomes clear. It’s when I go the other way, deeper into me – or, deeper into one of ‘my’ many addictions – that I feel less & less safe.

Yes and yet my need for safety, a sense of self obsessed with safety, perpetuates its own feeling of unsafety to try and then assuage that feeling and project that only I can make myself feel safe again. I am seeing this clearly at play now, I am the unsafety and the false promise of safety all in one.

@henryyyyyyyyyy

From this perspective it’s impressive we continue to suffer. I’m in a bubble of suffering surrounded by perfection

Yes, I felt like that bubble had varying thickness, and seeing family and friends ill/hurt/suffer thickens that bubble and then when you suffer and are hurt it thickens more until its almost opaque and not transparent and there is no way out of the suffering it seems. But that barrier really is still just a bubble and it can pop at any time and the actual can come through or as close to the actual as possible with felicity and EE’s.

@henryyyyyyyyyy

Oh dear, what a situation. ‘I’ can’t seem to understand that there’s a time limit on this, I will die one day. I could spend decades in dissociation. Almost like in chess, moving the same piece back & forth, stalling for time. Truly pathetic.

Yes, look at me it has taken a over a decade to get to a point of regular EE’s. It is so easy to get side tracked, make excuses, get pulled into love and other challenges. Maybe “I” can’t feel bad about something that won’t be my reward.

@henryyyyyyyyyy

On some level I believe I’m Luke Skywalker, and it’s very annoying that no one else sees that… ‘I’ have to keep coming up with these fake identities to chase attention… how obnoxious! And any day surely they will realize…

Haha, so true. That was why writing is addictive too. I believed I was going to be somebody so important and special and when it didn’t seem to be happening I still had the pleasure of making worlds in which I could be special or important. Alternative realities where my life turned out better.

[henryyyyyyyyyy]

@son_of_bob

Yes, but is more a base attention for me rather than the need for a relationship or love. It was more an egoic need for attention and lust.

@son_of_bob

the problem is not feeling safe when I am not in these states. My sense of self is this vigilant gatekeeper who believes he knows best in keeping me safe, I am afraid to give way…to concede control…it is weird…

The core self is the same all the way up until becoming free, it just happens with different frequency…

Perhaps a useful idea is @geoffrey’s addiction? We try to keep ourselves safe as you say, but all the modes we use are temporary at best (and completely ineffectual/harmful at worst). The purpose of investigation is to determine what will genuinely keep you safe, what the genuine best thing to do is in different circumstances. Surely you can agree that some investigation may turn up even more optimal ways to operate

That’s the “actualism is using thoughts to examine feelings”

@son_of_bob

Yes and yet my need for safety, a sense of self obsessed with safety, perpetuates its own feeling of unsafety to try and then assuage that feeling and project that only I can make myself feel safe again. I am seeing this clearly at play now, I am the unsafety and the false promise of safety all in one.

@son_of_bob

Yes, I felt like that bubble had varying thickness, and seeing family and friends ill/hurt/suffer thickens that bubble and then when you suffer and are hurt it thickens more until its almost opaque and not transparent and there is no way out of the suffering it seems. But that barrier really is still just a bubble and it can pop at any time and the actual can come through or as close to the actual as possible with felicity and EE’s.

Yes, I’ve experienced the same many times

@son_of_bob

Maybe “I” can’t feel bad about something that won’t be my reward.

I can feel bad about all the nonsense I’ve gotten up to in the name of ‘me,’ though. Or maybe more productively, I can be motivated to put an end to it

[henryyyyyyyyyy]

[jamesjjoo]

I can’t make out all the words and what you’re saying above. What is the meaning of it?

[henryyyyyyyyyy]

I noticed that my fantasies ‘nest’ on one another (with disappointments between them)

When an initial fantasy doesn’t pan out, I’m disappointed, and turn to another fantasy/addiction

I had been having trouble because one of the initial fantasy/desires had been disappointed some years ago and I had been relying on subsequent addictions since then, and the original fantasy - itself an addictive coping mechanism - was therefore invisible to me

Here’s the sequence:

Video games (current coping mechanism - most visible)

Failure with girls / romance (disappointment)

Girls/romance (desire/fantasy/addiction)

Failure socially (disappointment) (primarily ~8 years ago)

Social success (desire/fantasy/addiction)

“Here there be monsters” (some deeper fear - not sure what is there yet. Getting near to source ‘being’)

[jamesjjoo]

Yes, it sounds like you’re using the fantasies and addictions to escape/cover up the deeper fear.

[henryyyyyyyyyy]

‘Being’ produces fear (“I am fear and fear is me”) and the subsequent fantasy addictions (“I am love and love is me”)

A cycle of addiction that goes nowhere, except for more addiction

@geoffrey’s question was, “can I be more addicted to becoming free, than to my usual addictions?”

Becoming free is the only goal that can deliver the goods

[jamesjjoo]

Yes, maybe we need to be more addicted to becoming free than to the ‘me’ (suffering).

[JonnyPitt]

we didn’t talk much about addiction on the trip. i’m worried you changed course and are headed down a dead end.

[jamesjjoo]

What did you talk about?

[henryyyyyyyyyy]

What do you see?

[claudiu]

@JonnyPitt

we didn’t talk much about addiction on the trip. i’m worried you changed course and are headed down a dead end.

What was the initial / unchanged course?

[JonnyPitt]

We talked about getting all of ourselves on board. And letting our decisions come from a place of consensus. So instead of mixed feelings on an issue where the doer forces a decision based on morality, platitudes and a social agenda, we allow all of our mixed feelings and conflicting goals to come together. And the result is a be’er whose decisions seem obvious and natural.

[claudiu]

Hmm that doesn’t sound quite like how it works. Living the be’er is what an EE is, which happens when enough of ‘me’ is on board to allow that (EE) to happen. It doesn’t come as a result of mixed feelings and conflicting goals coming together. And outside of that you are being the do’er not living the be’er.

How can conflicting goals come together anyway? If they are conflicting they can’t coexist, by definition. You have to pick one or the other or neither.

[henryyyyyyyyyy]

@JonnyPitt

we didn’t talk much about addiction on the trip. i’m worried you changed course and are headed down a dead end.

The addictions are only there because ‘I’ don’t know what to do with myself, and go into second-best coping mechanisms for a quick hit of good feelings, that even I know isn’t very effective. It only ramps up the negative feelings I have toward myself, to see myself perpetually wallowing in addictions.

The great thing about this:

@JonnyPitt

We talked about getting all of ourselves on board. And letting our decisions come from a place of consensus. So instead of mixed feelings on an issue where the doer forces a decision based on morality, platitudes and a social agenda, we allow all of our mixed feelings and conflicting goals to come together. And the result is a be’er whose decisions seem obvious and natural.

…getting all parts of myself on board, is that I know it satisfies every question: I am giving myself the best chance in getting what I want out of life. Any objections are satisfied by the simple fact that ‘I’ will, when sincere, do what is sensible. After all, the sensible will give ‘me’ the best chance to satisfy ‘my’ goal in life: the protection of this body and everybody.

So, I think it’s the same thing. Just approached from a slightly different angle.

@claudiu

How can conflicting goals come together anyway? If they are conflicting they can’t coexist, by definition. You have to pick one or the other or neither.

You do often have to pick one or the other. In many cases, you get the best of both worlds in actualism. And in some cases, you get neither.

By engaging sincerely, attentively, & sensibly, then ‘I’ will see the facts of the matter. There are no longer ‘two sides of me’ conflicting, only the facts and the sensible outcome.

‘I’ want to have the best life possible, the best results possible. By satisfying these discordant situations, I’m putting myself in an excellent position to achieve that. I’ve already seen where the spinning gets me

Perhaps ‘harmonizing mixed feelings’ is the same thing as removal of those feelings.

[claudiu]

Ok so it sounds like by ”allow all of our mixed feelings and conflicting goals to come together” and ”satisfying these discordant situations” and ”harmonizing mixed feelings” you guys are referring to ”see[ing] the facts of the matter” such that ”only the facts and the sensible outcome” remain?

If so then that all makes sense, it is just phrased in a way that I wouldn’t put it.

[Andrew]

An internal conversation between friends.

I do this more now I spend so much time alone. It’s exactly that, unknown conflicting feelings, half thought thoughts all go to stagnate actions.

Letting each feeling and thought have enough space to play out. I would say that the insights and investigations “do themselves”.

We already know what is going on. It’s the distractions and addictions which cloud us discovering what we already know.

For example, yesterday, I thought I was sad for what I would call the “usual suspects”. Health, money, women" , but I was actually really disappointed that I didn’t have a PCE, after seeing so many insights yesterday.

I really liked that this was it. There wasn’t any self recrimination, just the acknowledgement that I was really wanting that.

I woke up a 3am, and when I went to bed, I ended up feeling really good. The trigger was some resolution about my home. Just to enjoy it. Then there was peace.

[JonnyPitt]

@claudiu hehe. I knew I should have edited out that doer and be-er stuff. that was impromptu and we didn’t mention it at all during the trip.

@claudiu

Living the be’er is what an EE is, which happens when enough of ‘me’ is on board to allow that (EE) to happen. It doesn’t come as a result of mixed feelings and conflicting goals coming together.

Of course EE’s can happen when mixed feelings and conflicting goals are resolved. or better yet, EE’s are most likely to happen when there are no mixed feelings and conflicting goals.

@claudiu

How can conflicting goals come together anyway? If they are conflicting they can’t coexist, by definition. You have to pick one or the other or neither.

This morning I had a conflicting goal. I wanted to stay snuggled in bed and have a mowed lawn. Conflicting desires is the better term, however.

[JonnyPitt]

@henryyyyyyyyyy

The addictions are only there because ‘I’ don’t know what to do with myself, and go into second-best coping mechanisms for a quick hit of good feelings,

@henryyyyyyyyyy

…getting all parts of myself on board, is that I know it satisfies every question: I am giving myself the best chance in getting what I want out of life

@henryyyyyyyyyy

So, I think it’s the same thing. Just approached from a slightly different angle.

I don’t follow this line of thought. There seems to be a non-sequitur in there or some jump in logic. But I followed and agreed with the rest of the post. I agree addictions definitely form when one is divided I don’t know what to do with myself and one runs impulsively jumps to a well known coping mechanism for a quick hit of good feelings

Ahh I see. You simply missed the part about disrupting that process. You forgot to write about pausing to reflect. Which, as you clearly know, needs to come before jumping into the second-best coping mechanisms for a quick hit of good feelings. It can also disrupt any self-recriminatory thoughts that occur like you idiot or why am i so weak? And, as you know, that pause and reflective contemplation is exactly what we talked about throughout the trip. And we mostly referred to it as getting ourselves all on on board though we used a lot of different terms. One of which was seeing the facts of the matter. Seeing the difference between silly and sensible was another.

[Andrew]

Addictions aren’t so bad. I learnt a lot out of 16000 games of World of Tanks. And smoking and drinking have been a good friend over the years.

Morality is calling things we otherwise want to do “wrong”.

How have I hurt anyone by playing all those games, drinking all that wine and smoking more than a Chevy at a burnout contest?

The question is “did I enjoy it?” And the answer is “sometimes”.

The real question is can I commit to feeling good no matter what?

Giving oneself space to feel out and be, to do and to be, think and it be.

I think that is what is being discussed. All the contradiction and confusion depends on what the goal is.