Right, i would say PCEs never happened to me because i was too busy trying to get the girl / be attractive.
That makes sense.
The times in my life I had the most PCEs I was very independent
Maybe sometimes during ‘honeymoon’ phases as well though
The gap is probably that void, maybe?
The feeling that having everything “out on the table” we otherwise have something to occupy ourselves with.
The gap for me is somewhat behind me. A void. Sometimes in front too. So, filling it over, or turning away to “investigate” keeps it like “just something i don’t quite understand yet”, a “gap” in my investigation.
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Waiting for verification
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Hmm yes… keeping it ‘obscure’ rather than “what you see is what you get”
I don’t want to see the facts because it makes me see ‘me’
That ‘I’ am the problem
When really, the “gap” is the ever pressing and growing reality of never having actually existed.
Of course, that appears to be a void to me. A big scary one. So, yeah, if i am attractive I must be something right?
Its not park benches and no sex we fear.
Ah, are we really the problem here?
I think that is stopping short.
The problem is what we continue to do.
We can be the solution, indeed, there is no one else that can do it.
I think that " ‘i’ am the problem", in many ways right now, is really “i am not attractive enough, and that’s the problem”
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”There was the actual world just right there in front of me, obviously existing, pure and perfect, and then there was ‘me’, ‘humanity’. The contrast was simply hilarious. I can’t describe how hilarious this contrast was. What we’ve all been doing forever and ever, on a ridiculous parade of malice and sorrow, with the greatest seriousness.
I realised that I would indeed gladly die right now, gladly give away all I am, all I ever was, all I’ve done and felt since I was born, for peace-on-earth to be apparent (not even for me but) for everybody. For things to be as they are. And that it would be of no importance at all. No ‘weight’, no drama… just the only thing that made sense, the only sensible thing.”
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I’m hanging onto a belief from years ago of something that never happened, and never could happen. But I’m still holding it
I think that’s the belief…
“If I’m attractive enough, I attract my desire, and something magical happens”
But I’ve done that and all that happens is more humanity
I’m a dog in heat
One thing the YouTube algorithm brought to my attention lately, is the amount of people living with horrible disfigurement, disability, diseases etc.
Like truly horrible stuff. Tumours all over their body, no arms, growths, pain. Hideous diseases and disorders.
I have felt, damn, i want to do this thing for these people!
Surely, if being attractive was what was needed, rhen i had my turn at it. These people never stood the slightest chance.
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Whereas the actual is right here, right now, it’s already happening, there is no gap because nothing is “OVER THERE,” there is no over there. It’s all right here
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Yes, clearly my version of things has ‘winners’ and ‘losers’ and I just want to be on the side of the ‘winners’
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Right. There is no “gap” or “void” or special knowledge, understanding beyond that simple fact.
Here and Now.
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I’ve done that same ‘winners and losers’ things with investigations, too. That’s what the PCE thing was. “I’m a winner, because I have had PCEs!!”
And then it was doubly devastating when I’m not attractive, after that
Hmmmmm
Yes, and even though both of us a clearly a good standard deviation on the winners side, we want MORE winning, because clearly, more winning is the answer.
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That’s the baseline moving thing 
I can see that what I think I deserve is to be dating a movie star 
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No judgement from me, buddy. I am a decade into this, and arguably still a decade behind. Or maybe, just one clean second of correctly chosen happiness 
Richard pointed that out to me a lot… “why can’t you become free right now?” And “there are NO preconditions. It can and will happen now”