Henry: My experiencing of what I took to be virtual freedom was sincere, but I soon found myself feeling jealous of what I perceived to be superior progress by Claudiu and Kub933. Fortunately I was able to smell something was off quickly and put my hands in my pockets and carried on. However, this undercurrent was still able to define me through to today. […]
It’s quite clear to me at this point that I have no substantial reason not to enjoy this life / this moment. Anything that brings me down is a mirage, something I maintain only for myself and with no benefit. It’s just this habitual thing. On closer inspection, this jealousy was similarly a mirage… any advantage of progress that Claudiu and Kuba may have was defined purely by my own parameters: my own jealousy was the only thing creating whatever gap may exist. There is no reason to be jealous - if anything, it’s wonderful that my peers that I have been discussing actualism with for these years have been having the success that they have been enjoying. All that is left is for me to get out of my own way and join them - not to mention joining Vineeto and the rest of the pioneers.
It is wonderful to put this to rest. I can see that jealousy of the same variety has been a part of ‘me’ for a very long time […] (Journal de Henry - #898 by henryyyyyyyyyy)
Hi Henry,
It’s great you have discovered and can admit to what this ‘smelly’ undercurrent is – jealousy and competition are a strong emotional forces. As you said it has been a part of you for a very long time. So now that you identified the trigger which prevents you from fully enjoying and appreciating this moment, you can contemplate it in depth, recognize the pattern and make a conscious choice.
You can first ascertain the facts as far as the habit of comparison/ competition/ jealousy goes. You want to be actually free and someone has made better progress. The fact that it makes you feel jealous could mean that, deep down, you know you are not yet doing everything you can possibly do to achieve your goal.
Therefore, instead of feeling jealous, which is wasting a potent emotional energy, one can easily, with some awareness and common sense, turn this energy into the action of making tangible progress towards your aim. I remember ‘Vineeto’ used imitation, i.e. tried to learn from the successes ‘she’ identified in others at making progress in actualism and thus channelled ‘her’ own emotional energy into being productive, and, of course, added further confidence, enjoyment and appreciation.
You said – “any advantage of progress that Claudiu and Kuba may have was defined purely by my own parameters”.
If your own parameters are merely about “I am better than someone else” then those parameters are well worth looking at and worth reassessing.
If, however, your parameters are that you want to become actually free as soon as possible, then they naturally need to align with pure intent, and then the next action will become obvious to you.
Perhaps it’s a matter of realigning your aim and actions fully with pure intent and follow the guidance of pure intent?
In any case, sitting “on the sidelines” or rationalizing jealousy out of existence will not do the trick, and I congratulate you for somewhat recognizing that. As you say “Plus it’s so much more fun to just jump in rather than sitting in a huff on the sidelines”.
Cheers Vineeto