Josef's journal

Journals
141

Making feeling good a priority. It’s very easy for me to slip into procrastination with the method (especially when there’s no momentum) and think, “things are okay now so we’ll just do the method later”. But no, the method does take effort to get going, it’s not something I can half ass or put off. One of my biggest hang ups is feeling good when my relationship is on the rocks or my partner is upset with me. Before today, I’ve never even tried to feel good in this scenario. I had resigned myself to the belief that it’s not possible, I’m too caught up in love etc.

But no! All it takes is intent and I am now feeling good. This is a reminder to me to try, to give it my all.

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142

Things are going in the right direction for me at the moment. I got so tired of worrying all the time, and I realized that “I” am nothing but a perpetual problem finder and fear producing machine. Since then I’ve just been…not worrying. I find that since I am less fearful, I am more dynamic and can more effectively deal with situations. Fear just completely paralyzes you and stops you from taking action on the things that you fear. But it’s so odd that being without fear allows one to take the very actions effortlessly that one would want to take when they’re fearful but cannot. Anyway, I’m experiencing a lightness of being and am continuing to enjoy and appreciate while nipping any fear in the bud

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143

Link

I now have an experiential answer to my query. When I am happy and harmless, in a good mood, I am not affected by my partner’s depression. I want her to be happy, but it’s not a want that’s coming from “me” because I’m scared, upset, etc. It’s simply a wanting what’s best for her. And this is WAY more effective than me selfishly wanting her to be happy for “my” sake.

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144

And you can take this further and contemplate on the ultimate benefit of becoming actually free with regards to your partner.
Which is the possibility of her actual happiness and harmlessness (as long as there is ‘being’ there will be suffering).

So instead of pacifying the sorrowful and malicious entity (the one actually causing all the harm) which is parasitically inhabiting it’s host body, there is a possibility for the actual flesh and blood body that is your partner, to be free.

It is easy to downplay the effect that becoming actually free can have on the rest of human kind. But let’s propose a world where ‘Richard’ and ‘Vineeto’ never proceeded towards self-immolation, then it quickly becomes clear just how important it is. No less than actual peace on earth, and no less than human beings living life in full meaning, each moment again.

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145

Looking at obstacles to feeling good. I hold this belief of my “ideal” life in very high regard. So this causes me to be very wary and fearful when I “have” to do things I don’t want to do (perhaps due to other people’s pressure).
The deep fear is that I will end up living a life that I do not like.
There are two ways to look at this.

One is that why do I “have” to do things I don’t want to do? Do I not have the choice to say “no”? Practically, I sometimes do not have the option, because I am afraid of the fallout (the person may get angry at me, it’s not socially acceptable etc.). Seeing this, I get very angry (and hateful) at myself for not being able to do whatever I desire, for being a pushover.

The second way of looking at it is that what does this fear accomplish? Often I end up relenting anyway because I am not calm enough. But this fear has pretty much ruled my life for a long time and is a core part of “me”.

This is particularly intensified in my relationship, where I am afraid of saying “no” for some of the big things because of the fall out (my partner will get angry at me or leave me).

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146

Realizing that I don’t really like my life anymore. I have become cynical and resentful. This is not always the case, but it seems to be the dominant pattern. I can see that I am being angry, it’s like a stink coming off of me. I had this happen in 2017 also, and that also went on for months.

But my aim is to feel good regardless of what’s going on externally. Yes, I can work simultaneously to change things I don’t like about my life, but I would like to feel good first. Nothing good can come from feeling like this.

I notice that this anger I hold on to is really precious to me. If I let it go, I will be letting go of my cherished “ideal” life. I will be accepting essentially, that life is not going the way I want it to go.

There’s still some dissociation going on, so right now I’m working on feeling out the entirety of the feeling and belief structure underlying this resentment/dissatisfaction/cynicism. I’m working on BEING these feelings. I am reminded of my childhood, where I did not have such grandiose ideas of what my ideal life would look like, yet I was carefree and joyful. It seems that as certain choices with work and relationships have been made, doors have closed, and the naivete of “anything is possible” has slipped away from me (hence the cynicism).

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147

Your honesty is appreciated.

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148

I figured out the source of the dissociation! There’s been a pile up of “uncertain” tasks recently which has caused me to become stressed. Uncertain tasks are those which don’t have a single right way to do them, you just have to go with what you think is best. Such tasks make me stressed since I have a problem with perfectionism. Anyway, I finally dug deep enough to realize that I am BEING stressed. All week I’ve been feeling the stress and its symptoms, but there’s been a dissociation and distance. I am back to feeling neutral now.

As an aside, I’m cutting down on using marijuana and masturbating. I feel that these two activities artificially mask the real suffering that a feeling being goes through and provide a fake escape. It prevents me from finding a root cause solution to this suffering. Plus sometimes the actualism method requires focus and application, which marijuana use interferes with.

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149

Replying here as to not hijack Andrew’s journal, and it’s about time I started writing again in my own.

Yes, I am frustrated that I haven’t been able to have a PCE after the one you linked later on in the post. This was a drug-induced PCE, so for me it doesn’t feel “solid” or “clean” and I seriously doubt its veracity.

I am able to recognize feeling good, but it’s not from that PCE. I would say it’s from the few EEs and numerous times I’ve felt good/great. I wonder if this is enough?

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150

Vineeto: As is now the second time that you used the word “gatekeeping” I wonder if there is perhaps an emotional issue/ investment for you such as frustration that you have trouble to experience a PCE or a resentment against authority? So that this post doesn’t get too long, I simply refer you to a link, if you discover that this is the case.

Josef: Yes, I am frustrated that I haven’t been able to have a PCE after the one you linked later on in the post. This was a drug-induced PCE, so for me it doesn’t feel “solid” or “clean” and I seriously doubt its veracity.

Hi Josef,

I appreciate your reply.

The feeling of frustration falls in the category of resentment, and anger, and is certainly interfering with feeling good. I perfectly understand from ‘Vineeto’s’ experience how it feels and why it is happening but it is nevertheless an emotional occurrence that is advisable to not only to look at but to do away with altogether (resentment against, or blaming anything or anyone (including yourself) for apparently standing in the way of what ‘you’ want).

Richard: What I have observed over many years is that a normal person has a propensity to blame – to find fault rather than to find causes – when it comes to dealing with the human condition … if for no other reason than that finding the cause means the end of ‘me’ (or the beginning of the end of ‘me’).
Whereas endlessly repeating mea culpa keeps ‘me’ in existence. (Richard, List AF, No. 27c, 9 Sep 2002).

You see, when you understand resentment this way, as a complaint/ blame to divert attention from ‘you’ (the only person you can change), then it may be easier to see that it is silly to maintain this automatic reaction/ habit. Focussing the attention to where it belongs, the fact of being resentment, at the time of experiencing it, the very attention allows you to be felicitous instead (it’s often not even a decision but a natural consequence, just as you stop wiggling your toes the moment you become aware of it).

Then, feeling good, you can check what is behind or underneath the frustration – perhaps impatience, or perhaps the conviction it’s your right to have a PCE now because …, or any other ‘self’-generated belief, attitude or principle. And it could be this very resentment standing in the way of allowing a PCE to happen. (see also How do I Induce a PCE and Delightment).

Vineeto: Does this experience perhaps give you a clue why you are able to recognize that genuinely feeling good requires “a lack of malice as a quality”, and “consideration for others”?
It is the source of your intent which defines the quality of ‘feeling good’ and informs you which one is genuine and which one is dictated by the “wayward self”. As long as you pay attention to this qualitative difference of your intent and rememorate the distinct flavour of this “new way of experiencing” you had during the PCE, you are precisely acting according to Richard’s warning.

Josef: I am able to recognize feeling good, but it’s not from that PCE. I would say it’s from the few EEs and numerous times I’ve felt good/great. I wonder if this is enough? (link)

It’s good to hear that you had a few excellence experiences which inform you of what is possible and the direction which you are aiming at. There were also enough clues in your description of “that PCE” to indicate that it was genuine – such as “it was as if I was seeing everything for the first time again” and “there was a very high level of sensuous appreciation. But the key aspect for me was time. Past and future were completely gone and it felt like I could stay in this moment forever.” And specifically this one: “It was a new way of experiencing entirely, and it was very pure and I would say close to perfect. It was the same world but like a different one within that same one. Like a veneer being pulled back.”

It could be that when you say today, almost three years after the PCE, that “it doesn’t feel “solid” or “clean” and I seriously doubt its veracity”, this interpretation may well be from ‘me’ having taken over full control again over your memory of the PCE.

So, if you are able to re-vivify the flavour of this experience it might help you to more reliably and puissantly connect to pure intent. In the meantime you can rely on the memory of your EEs – but second best is never “enough” when you aim for perfection, isn’t it?

Claudiu and myself have updated the Library page on Pure Intent with more specific details that you might find informative.

Cheers Vineeto

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151

Yes, I am starting to focus on this resentment and tackle it. It’s not just about this PCE, but I can see that my general approach to life is also filled with resentment. I’m mired in a world of “shoulds”; things that I have to do rather want to do. I view work like this, as well as most things besides anything that has quick gratification (e.g. playing video games, eating delicious food). Seems like I’m being dragged around by my life rather directing it. I desire the opposite. I want to be here, to enjoy living in this moment. But it’s clear to me that that is not what I am being at all. Even the specifics of my life don’t seem to matter much, as this attitude is all encompassing and will use anything undesirable as an excuse to fuel the resentment of being alive.

Seeing all of this has been a breath of fresh air and has lifted my cynicism a little, even though I have only scratched the surface. I’m not sure when it became like this, as I was quite a happy kid. But between job responsibilities (I view work as something I am forced to do; I resent working to live), I somehow became a real downer. The sun is shining again :sun_with_face:

I was thinking about this, and there may be some truth to it. When I rememorate the EE, there’s something to latch onto, namely those felicitous and innocuous feelings which are still affective. But when I think of the PCE, there’s nothing because I was so minimized. I don’t even know how to remember it, so I guess in my cynicism I resolved that its best to not even try.

I will try and rememorate the PCE.

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152

One sort of more prosaic line of thinking that may help is to reflect on what being alive as a human would’ve been like tens of thousands of years ago, in a state of nature. This is in answer to some people’s class-struggle type of resentment at having to work , which they believe a capitalistic exploitative system forces them to — although can be useful in general too

Basically you would literally have to risk your life to hunt for food, or hope that enough could be foraged, or starve! No modern conveniences either of course… the state of nature is basically one of abject poverty

Working derives ultimately from these basic survival needs, but abstracted away and made more efficient via specialization. So instead of having to kill or hunt for or grow your own food, you can do something else in exchange for a medium of currency that you can then use to buy food and shelter etc

So it’s not an added modern burden, it’s a much alleviated ancestral burden!

And you don’t “have” to work. You can just not — and then try to survive without money. And you don’t even “have” to survive or even be alive - no one and nothing forces you to do this

This isn’t advice to end one’s life of course — the idea is for you to see this and realize that you do actually want to be alive!

With that basic acquiescence of wanting to live in mind — recognizing that nothing outside of you is forcing to do this — you see it’s a matter of your own will that you want to live. And then derived therefrom are the factual necessities of being alive — eating and drinking and finding shelter. This is not imposed by anyone or any god or entity, it’s simply a fact of how things are in the same way that it’s a fact that water is wet

And then it’s a matter of sensibly proceeding as to how best acquire said food and shelter. And modern society with its work is such a wondrous way to do this as compared to what humans evolved from! So much easier with no risk to life and limb

IOW if you turn the tower on its head and get to the root of it you will see it’s not a burden to be alive , and therefore nothing deriving from that is a burden either — and thus the resentment can evaporate and you can go around enjoying the process of sustaining yourself, plus all the other bonuses modern living provides — humanity is by far wealthier now than it has ever been!

Cheers Claudiu

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153

Vineeto: You see, when you understand resentment this way, as a complaint/ blame to divert attention from ‘you’ (the only person you can change), then it may be easier to see that it is silly to maintain this automatic reaction/ habit. Focussing the attention to where it belongs, the fact of being resentment, at the time of experiencing it, the very attention allows you to be felicitous instead (it’s often not even a decision but a natural consequence, just as you stop wiggling your toes the moment you become aware of it).
Then, feeling good, you can check what is behind or underneath the frustration – perhaps impatience, or perhaps the conviction it’s your right to have a PCE now because …, or any other ‘self’-generated belief, attitude or principle. And it could be this very resentment standing in the way of allowing a PCE to happen. (see also How do I Induce a PCE and Delightment ).

Josef: Yes, I am starting to focus on this resentment and tackle it. It’s not just about this PCE, but I can see that my general approach to life is also filled with resentment. I’m mired in a world of “shoulds”; things that I have to do rather want to do. I view work like this, as well as most things besides anything that has quick gratification (e.g. playing video games, eating delicious food).

Hi Josef,

This is a great description of resentment if there ever was. However, you cannot ‘get rid’ of resentment by rejection of having one emotion and choose having another like changing black chess-pieces with white ones.

Now that you acknowledged that you experience resentment, the first thing is to stop fighting it and stop blaming yourself as well. Any battle against yourself only fuels the feelings by increasing the power of ‘you’ to make you feel bad. Personally, feeling being ‘Vineeto’ found that the moment she stopped fighting the feeling (i.e. by objecting to it), it instantly diminished. Then you can more easily get back to feeling good and from this vantage point contemplate for instance what Claudiu wrote to you (link) and what other habitual attitudes will be worth paying attention to, so that this resentment is no longer dominating your mood/ your life. Doing this, each time you notice resentment creeping in, you have a much better chance of enjoying what you are doing (yes, even working for sustaining yourself) and appreciating this moment of being alive.

It also helps to put everything on a preference basis –

Richard: I did everything possible that ‘I’ could do to blatantly imitate the actual in that ‘I’ endeavoured to be happy and harmless for as much as is humanly possible. This was achieved by putting everything on a ‘it doesn’t really matter’ basis. That is, ‘I’ would prefer people, things and events to be a particular way, but if it did not turn out like that … it did not really matter for it was only a preference. ‘I’ chose to no longer give other people – or the weather – the power to make ‘me’ angry … or even irritated … or even peeved. (Richard, List B, No. 12a, 16 July 1998)

Josef: Seems like I’m being dragged around by my life rather directing it. I desire the opposite. I want to be here, to enjoy living in this moment. But it’s clear to me that that is not what I am being at all. Even the specifics of my life don’t seem to matter much, as this attitude is all encompassing and will use anything undesirable as an excuse to fuel the resentment of being alive.

You say you are being “dragged around by by my life” when in fact you are dragged around by your feelings (like most people are). The difference to most people is that you have the opportunity to pay diligent attention to whichever feelings prevent you from feeling good, from being happy and harmless, and this very attention and awareness of being the feeling allows you to choose to being a different affective experience. It is important not to keep your undesired feelings at arms length but to acknowledge that this is who you are as a feeling being. This very awareness that you are your feelings allows you to choose to be the felicitous feelings instead.

When you say I don’t want to be resentful – “I desire the opposite. I want to be here, to enjoy living in this moment” you are misunderstanding what being happy and enjoying living means. Being (unconditionally) happy is what happens when there are no obstacles in the way for being happy. Just watch young children. They are happy and full of energy – unless something is amiss. As soon as parents fix/ provide what is amiss (change diapers, provide food, plaster on the scratched knee, etc.) their good mood returns. You can do the same – pay attention to what you experience affectively and then decline/ dissolve the obstacles to feeling good and feeling good returns. Then you take note of the trigger which brought up the obstacle in the first place and sort it out, so it won’t interfere with your feeling good at the next occasion.

Josef: Seeing all of this has been a breath of fresh air and has lifted my cynicism a little, even though I have only scratched the surface. I’m not sure when it became like this, as I was quite a happy kid. But between job responsibilities (I view work as something I am forced to do; I resent working to live), I somehow became a real downer. The sun is shining again.

This breath of fresh air is excellent – so you are looking in the right direction. Happy kids become serious adults and have to re-discover their joy of life and naiveté again. Investigate your cynicism and your victim/ entitlement mentality that someone else owes you a living (“I resent working to live”) and see how ultimately silly and self-destructive it is.

Become “a happy kid” again with adult sensibilities.

Vineeto: It could be that when you say today, almost three years after the PCE, that “it doesn’t feel “solid” or “clean” and I seriously doubt its veracity”, this interpretation may well be from ‘me’ having taken over full control again over your memory of the PCE.

Josef: I was thinking about this, and there may be some truth to it. When I rememorate the EE, there’s something to latch onto, namely those felicitous and innocuous feelings which are still affective. But when I think of the PCE, there’s nothing because I was so minimized. I don’t even know how to remember it, so I guess in my cynicism I resolved that it’s best to not even try.
I will try and rememorate the PCE. (link)

This cynicism seems to permeate many areas of your life – it will be a big change for the better when you pay close attention to it. It may have been the single-most deciding factor that no PCEs have happened for a while. Cynicism is the very antithesis of naiveté.

I wish you best of success in rediscovering your naiveté.

Cheers Vineeto

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