Josef's journal

Journals
141

Making feeling good a priority. It’s very easy for me to slip into procrastination with the method (especially when there’s no momentum) and think, “things are okay now so we’ll just do the method later”. But no, the method does take effort to get going, it’s not something I can half ass or put off. One of my biggest hang ups is feeling good when my relationship is on the rocks or my partner is upset with me. Before today, I’ve never even tried to feel good in this scenario. I had resigned myself to the belief that it’s not possible, I’m too caught up in love etc.

But no! All it takes is intent and I am now feeling good. This is a reminder to me to try, to give it my all.

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142

Things are going in the right direction for me at the moment. I got so tired of worrying all the time, and I realized that “I” am nothing but a perpetual problem finder and fear producing machine. Since then I’ve just been…not worrying. I find that since I am less fearful, I am more dynamic and can more effectively deal with situations. Fear just completely paralyzes you and stops you from taking action on the things that you fear. But it’s so odd that being without fear allows one to take the very actions effortlessly that one would want to take when they’re fearful but cannot. Anyway, I’m experiencing a lightness of being and am continuing to enjoy and appreciate while nipping any fear in the bud

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Link

I now have an experiential answer to my query. When I am happy and harmless, in a good mood, I am not affected by my partner’s depression. I want her to be happy, but it’s not a want that’s coming from “me” because I’m scared, upset, etc. It’s simply a wanting what’s best for her. And this is WAY more effective than me selfishly wanting her to be happy for “my” sake.

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And you can take this further and contemplate on the ultimate benefit of becoming actually free with regards to your partner.
Which is the possibility of her actual happiness and harmlessness (as long as there is ‘being’ there will be suffering).

So instead of pacifying the sorrowful and malicious entity (the one actually causing all the harm) which is parasitically inhabiting it’s host body, there is a possibility for the actual flesh and blood body that is your partner, to be free.

It is easy to downplay the effect that becoming actually free can have on the rest of human kind. But let’s propose a world where ‘Richard’ and ‘Vineeto’ never proceeded towards self-immolation, then it quickly becomes clear just how important it is. No less than actual peace on earth, and no less than human beings living life in full meaning, each moment again.

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145

Looking at obstacles to feeling good. I hold this belief of my “ideal” life in very high regard. So this causes me to be very wary and fearful when I “have” to do things I don’t want to do (perhaps due to other people’s pressure).
The deep fear is that I will end up living a life that I do not like.
There are two ways to look at this.

One is that why do I “have” to do things I don’t want to do? Do I not have the choice to say “no”? Practically, I sometimes do not have the option, because I am afraid of the fallout (the person may get angry at me, it’s not socially acceptable etc.). Seeing this, I get very angry (and hateful) at myself for not being able to do whatever I desire, for being a pushover.

The second way of looking at it is that what does this fear accomplish? Often I end up relenting anyway because I am not calm enough. But this fear has pretty much ruled my life for a long time and is a core part of “me”.

This is particularly intensified in my relationship, where I am afraid of saying “no” for some of the big things because of the fall out (my partner will get angry at me or leave me).

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146

Realizing that I don’t really like my life anymore. I have become cynical and resentful. This is not always the case, but it seems to be the dominant pattern. I can see that I am being angry, it’s like a stink coming off of me. I had this happen in 2017 also, and that also went on for months.

But my aim is to feel good regardless of what’s going on externally. Yes, I can work simultaneously to change things I don’t like about my life, but I would like to feel good first. Nothing good can come from feeling like this.

I notice that this anger I hold on to is really precious to me. If I let it go, I will be letting go of my cherished “ideal” life. I will be accepting essentially, that life is not going the way I want it to go.

There’s still some dissociation going on, so right now I’m working on feeling out the entirety of the feeling and belief structure underlying this resentment/dissatisfaction/cynicism. I’m working on BEING these feelings. I am reminded of my childhood, where I did not have such grandiose ideas of what my ideal life would look like, yet I was carefree and joyful. It seems that as certain choices with work and relationships have been made, doors have closed, and the naivete of “anything is possible” has slipped away from me (hence the cynicism).

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Your honesty is appreciated.

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148

I figured out the source of the dissociation! There’s been a pile up of “uncertain” tasks recently which has caused me to become stressed. Uncertain tasks are those which don’t have a single right way to do them, you just have to go with what you think is best. Such tasks make me stressed since I have a problem with perfectionism. Anyway, I finally dug deep enough to realize that I am BEING stressed. All week I’ve been feeling the stress and its symptoms, but there’s been a dissociation and distance. I am back to feeling neutral now.

As an aside, I’m cutting down on using marijuana and masturbating. I feel that these two activities artificially mask the real suffering that a feeling being goes through and provide a fake escape. It prevents me from finding a root cause solution to this suffering. Plus sometimes the actualism method requires focus and application, which marijuana use interferes with.

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149

Replying here as to not hijack Andrew’s journal, and it’s about time I started writing again in my own.

Yes, I am frustrated that I haven’t been able to have a PCE after the one you linked later on in the post. This was a drug-induced PCE, so for me it doesn’t feel “solid” or “clean” and I seriously doubt its veracity.

I am able to recognize feeling good, but it’s not from that PCE. I would say it’s from the few EEs and numerous times I’ve felt good/great. I wonder if this is enough?

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Vineeto: As is now the second time that you used the word “gatekeeping” I wonder if there is perhaps an emotional issue/ investment for you such as frustration that you have trouble to experience a PCE or a resentment against authority? So that this post doesn’t get too long, I simply refer you to a link, if you discover that this is the case.

Josef: Yes, I am frustrated that I haven’t been able to have a PCE after the one you linked later on in the post. This was a drug-induced PCE, so for me it doesn’t feel “solid” or “clean” and I seriously doubt its veracity.

Hi Josef,

I appreciate your reply.

The feeling of frustration falls in the category of resentment, and anger, and is certainly interfering with feeling good. I perfectly understand from ‘Vineeto’s’ experience how it feels and why it is happening but it is nevertheless an emotional occurrence that is advisable to not only to look at but to do away with altogether (resentment against, or blaming anything or anyone (including yourself) for apparently standing in the way of what ‘you’ want).

Richard: What I have observed over many years is that a normal person has a propensity to blame – to find fault rather than to find causes – when it comes to dealing with the human condition … if for no other reason than that finding the cause means the end of ‘me’ (or the beginning of the end of ‘me’).
Whereas endlessly repeating mea culpa keeps ‘me’ in existence. (Richard, List AF, No. 27c, 9 Sep 2002).

You see, when you understand resentment this way, as a complaint/ blame to divert attention from ‘you’ (the only person you can change), then it may be easier to see that it is silly to maintain this automatic reaction/ habit. Focussing the attention to where it belongs, the fact of being resentment, at the time of experiencing it, the very attention allows you to be felicitous instead (it’s often not even a decision but a natural consequence, just as you stop wiggling your toes the moment you become aware of it).

Then, feeling good, you can check what is behind or underneath the frustration – perhaps impatience, or perhaps the conviction it’s your right to have a PCE now because …, or any other ‘self’-generated belief, attitude or principle. And it could be this very resentment standing in the way of allowing a PCE to happen. (see also How do I Induce a PCE and Delightment).

Vineeto: Does this experience perhaps give you a clue why you are able to recognize that genuinely feeling good requires “a lack of malice as a quality”, and “consideration for others”?
It is the source of your intent which defines the quality of ‘feeling good’ and informs you which one is genuine and which one is dictated by the “wayward self”. As long as you pay attention to this qualitative difference of your intent and rememorate the distinct flavour of this “new way of experiencing” you had during the PCE, you are precisely acting according to Richard’s warning.

Josef: I am able to recognize feeling good, but it’s not from that PCE. I would say it’s from the few EEs and numerous times I’ve felt good/great. I wonder if this is enough? (link)

It’s good to hear that you had a few excellence experiences which inform you of what is possible and the direction which you are aiming at. There were also enough clues in your description of “that PCE” to indicate that it was genuine – such as “it was as if I was seeing everything for the first time again” and “there was a very high level of sensuous appreciation. But the key aspect for me was time. Past and future were completely gone and it felt like I could stay in this moment forever.” And specifically this one: “It was a new way of experiencing entirely, and it was very pure and I would say close to perfect. It was the same world but like a different one within that same one. Like a veneer being pulled back.”

It could be that when you say today, almost three years after the PCE, that “it doesn’t feel “solid” or “clean” and I seriously doubt its veracity”, this interpretation may well be from ‘me’ having taken over full control again over your memory of the PCE.

So, if you are able to re-vivify the flavour of this experience it might help you to more reliably and puissantly connect to pure intent. In the meantime you can rely on the memory of your EEs – but second best is never “enough” when you aim for perfection, isn’t it?

Claudiu and myself have updated the Library page on Pure Intent with more specific details that you might find informative.

Cheers Vineeto

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Yes, I am starting to focus on this resentment and tackle it. It’s not just about this PCE, but I can see that my general approach to life is also filled with resentment. I’m mired in a world of “shoulds”; things that I have to do rather want to do. I view work like this, as well as most things besides anything that has quick gratification (e.g. playing video games, eating delicious food). Seems like I’m being dragged around by my life rather directing it. I desire the opposite. I want to be here, to enjoy living in this moment. But it’s clear to me that that is not what I am being at all. Even the specifics of my life don’t seem to matter much, as this attitude is all encompassing and will use anything undesirable as an excuse to fuel the resentment of being alive.

Seeing all of this has been a breath of fresh air and has lifted my cynicism a little, even though I have only scratched the surface. I’m not sure when it became like this, as I was quite a happy kid. But between job responsibilities (I view work as something I am forced to do; I resent working to live), I somehow became a real downer. The sun is shining again :sun_with_face:

I was thinking about this, and there may be some truth to it. When I rememorate the EE, there’s something to latch onto, namely those felicitous and innocuous feelings which are still affective. But when I think of the PCE, there’s nothing because I was so minimized. I don’t even know how to remember it, so I guess in my cynicism I resolved that its best to not even try.

I will try and rememorate the PCE.

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One sort of more prosaic line of thinking that may help is to reflect on what being alive as a human would’ve been like tens of thousands of years ago, in a state of nature. This is in answer to some people’s class-struggle type of resentment at having to work , which they believe a capitalistic exploitative system forces them to — although can be useful in general too

Basically you would literally have to risk your life to hunt for food, or hope that enough could be foraged, or starve! No modern conveniences either of course… the state of nature is basically one of abject poverty

Working derives ultimately from these basic survival needs, but abstracted away and made more efficient via specialization. So instead of having to kill or hunt for or grow your own food, you can do something else in exchange for a medium of currency that you can then use to buy food and shelter etc

So it’s not an added modern burden, it’s a much alleviated ancestral burden!

And you don’t “have” to work. You can just not — and then try to survive without money. And you don’t even “have” to survive or even be alive - no one and nothing forces you to do this

This isn’t advice to end one’s life of course — the idea is for you to see this and realize that you do actually want to be alive!

With that basic acquiescence of wanting to live in mind — recognizing that nothing outside of you is forcing to do this — you see it’s a matter of your own will that you want to live. And then derived therefrom are the factual necessities of being alive — eating and drinking and finding shelter. This is not imposed by anyone or any god or entity, it’s simply a fact of how things are in the same way that it’s a fact that water is wet

And then it’s a matter of sensibly proceeding as to how best acquire said food and shelter. And modern society with its work is such a wondrous way to do this as compared to what humans evolved from! So much easier with no risk to life and limb

IOW if you turn the tower on its head and get to the root of it you will see it’s not a burden to be alive , and therefore nothing deriving from that is a burden either — and thus the resentment can evaporate and you can go around enjoying the process of sustaining yourself, plus all the other bonuses modern living provides — humanity is by far wealthier now than it has ever been!

Cheers Claudiu

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Vineeto: You see, when you understand resentment this way, as a complaint/ blame to divert attention from ‘you’ (the only person you can change), then it may be easier to see that it is silly to maintain this automatic reaction/ habit. Focussing the attention to where it belongs, the fact of being resentment, at the time of experiencing it, the very attention allows you to be felicitous instead (it’s often not even a decision but a natural consequence, just as you stop wiggling your toes the moment you become aware of it).
Then, feeling good, you can check what is behind or underneath the frustration – perhaps impatience, or perhaps the conviction it’s your right to have a PCE now because …, or any other ‘self’-generated belief, attitude or principle. And it could be this very resentment standing in the way of allowing a PCE to happen. (see also How do I Induce a PCE and Delightment ).

Josef: Yes, I am starting to focus on this resentment and tackle it. It’s not just about this PCE, but I can see that my general approach to life is also filled with resentment. I’m mired in a world of “shoulds”; things that I have to do rather want to do. I view work like this, as well as most things besides anything that has quick gratification (e.g. playing video games, eating delicious food).

Hi Josef,

This is a great description of resentment if there ever was. However, you cannot ‘get rid’ of resentment by rejection of having one emotion and choose having another like changing black chess-pieces with white ones.

Now that you acknowledged that you experience resentment, the first thing is to stop fighting it and stop blaming yourself as well. Any battle against yourself only fuels the feelings by increasing the power of ‘you’ to make you feel bad. Personally, feeling being ‘Vineeto’ found that the moment she stopped fighting the feeling (i.e. by objecting to it), it instantly diminished. Then you can more easily get back to feeling good and from this vantage point contemplate for instance what Claudiu wrote to you (link) and what other habitual attitudes will be worth paying attention to, so that this resentment is no longer dominating your mood/ your life. Doing this, each time you notice resentment creeping in, you have a much better chance of enjoying what you are doing (yes, even working for sustaining yourself) and appreciating this moment of being alive.

It also helps to put everything on a preference basis –

Richard: I did everything possible that ‘I’ could do to blatantly imitate the actual in that ‘I’ endeavoured to be happy and harmless for as much as is humanly possible. This was achieved by putting everything on a ‘it doesn’t really matter’ basis. That is, ‘I’ would prefer people, things and events to be a particular way, but if it did not turn out like that … it did not really matter for it was only a preference. ‘I’ chose to no longer give other people – or the weather – the power to make ‘me’ angry … or even irritated … or even peeved. (Richard, List B, No. 12a, 16 July 1998)

Josef: Seems like I’m being dragged around by my life rather directing it. I desire the opposite. I want to be here, to enjoy living in this moment. But it’s clear to me that that is not what I am being at all. Even the specifics of my life don’t seem to matter much, as this attitude is all encompassing and will use anything undesirable as an excuse to fuel the resentment of being alive.

You say you are being “dragged around by by my life” when in fact you are dragged around by your feelings (like most people are). The difference to most people is that you have the opportunity to pay diligent attention to whichever feelings prevent you from feeling good, from being happy and harmless, and this very attention and awareness of being the feeling allows you to choose to being a different affective experience. It is important not to keep your undesired feelings at arms length but to acknowledge that this is who you are as a feeling being. This very awareness that you are your feelings allows you to choose to be the felicitous feelings instead.

When you say I don’t want to be resentful – “I desire the opposite. I want to be here, to enjoy living in this moment” you are misunderstanding what being happy and enjoying living means. Being (unconditionally) happy is what happens when there are no obstacles in the way for being happy. Just watch young children. They are happy and full of energy – unless something is amiss. As soon as parents fix/ provide what is amiss (change diapers, provide food, plaster on the scratched knee, etc.) their good mood returns. You can do the same – pay attention to what you experience affectively and then decline/ dissolve the obstacles to feeling good and feeling good returns. Then you take note of the trigger which brought up the obstacle in the first place and sort it out, so it won’t interfere with your feeling good at the next occasion.

Josef: Seeing all of this has been a breath of fresh air and has lifted my cynicism a little, even though I have only scratched the surface. I’m not sure when it became like this, as I was quite a happy kid. But between job responsibilities (I view work as something I am forced to do; I resent working to live), I somehow became a real downer. The sun is shining again.

This breath of fresh air is excellent – so you are looking in the right direction. Happy kids become serious adults and have to re-discover their joy of life and naiveté again. Investigate your cynicism and your victim/ entitlement mentality that someone else owes you a living (“I resent working to live”) and see how ultimately silly and self-destructive it is.

Become “a happy kid” again with adult sensibilities.

Vineeto: It could be that when you say today, almost three years after the PCE, that “it doesn’t feel “solid” or “clean” and I seriously doubt its veracity”, this interpretation may well be from ‘me’ having taken over full control again over your memory of the PCE.

Josef: I was thinking about this, and there may be some truth to it. When I rememorate the EE, there’s something to latch onto, namely those felicitous and innocuous feelings which are still affective. But when I think of the PCE, there’s nothing because I was so minimized. I don’t even know how to remember it, so I guess in my cynicism I resolved that it’s best to not even try.
I will try and rememorate the PCE. (link)

This cynicism seems to permeate many areas of your life – it will be a big change for the better when you pay close attention to it. It may have been the single-most deciding factor that no PCEs have happened for a while. Cynicism is the very antithesis of naiveté.

I wish you best of success in rediscovering your naiveté.

Cheers Vineeto

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154

I’m back! It’s been over half a year since I last posted, but I’ve still been on the forums and on AFT reading a lot. There’s been quite a few big changes in my life recently, namely that I am living with my partner now. This has bolstered my motivation even further as I can see the effect that my bad moods, or just being a ‘self’ in general has on her. Right now my focus is on applying the method, enjoying and appreciating no matter what is going on in my life. I have realized recently that I have not been applying the method correctly at all. Whenever I would have an uncomfortable feeling, I would immediately begin to investigate it, often getting frustrated and lost in the mazes of my mind as feeling good “failed to show up”. Some kind of weird dissociation. I guess I wasn’t even willing to feel these uncomfortable feelings, as I had to be successful in applying the method ASAP. To rectify this, I am being more patient when I feel bad, trying to really see what’s going on. And then once I’ve got a good handle on what I’m feeling (and any investigation happens simultaneously when I’m not pushing feelings away, since I get curious), I can “choose” to feel good. More accurately, it dawns on me that it’s silly to feel bad in this situation when I can feel good instead. But I cannot force this seeing.

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Josef: I’m back! It’s been over half a year since I last posted, but I’ve still been on the forums and on AFT reading a lot. There’s been quite a few big changes in my life recently, namely that I am living with my partner now. This has bolstered my motivation even further as I can see the effect that my bad moods, or just being a ‘self’ in general has on her. Right now my focus is on applying the method, enjoying and appreciating no matter what is going on in my life. I have realized recently that I have not been applying the method correctly at all. Whenever I would have an uncomfortable feeling, I would immediately begin to investigate it, often getting frustrated and lost in the mazes of my mind as feeling good “failed to show up”. Some kind of weird dissociation. I guess I wasn’t even willing to feel these uncomfortable feelings, as I had to be successful in applying the method ASAP.

Hi Josef,

Welcome back.

It is excellent that you gain additional awareness of your moods and how ‘you’ tick, and with it motivation to change, by living with your partner now. It brings it out into the open how both the felicitous/ innocuous feelings and the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ feelings have a beneficial/ detrimental effect not only on yourself but on the other person as well.

In the process you also discovered that you automatically dissociated/ disassociated from the “uncomfortable feelings” which opened a whole new area of “applying the method”.

Josef: To rectify this, I am being more patient when I feel bad, trying to really see what’s going on. And then once I’ve got a good handle on what I’m feeling (and any investigation happens simultaneously when I’m not pushing feelings away, since I get curious), I can “choose” to feel good. More accurately, it dawns on me that it’s silly to feel bad in this situation when I can feel good instead. But I cannot force this seeing. (link)

Remember to get back to feeling good once you come across one of those “uncomfortable feelings” before you endeavour to investigate them. Often they are merely bad habits and easy to nip in the bud, but sometimes, when they return again, they need further exploration, like when you “cannot force this seeing”. Then there might be a dearly held belief or a personal truth or a cherished desire which keeps it in place.

The more you get “a good handle” on it and appreciate your success the very exploration becomes increasingly fun.

Cheers Vineeto

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This is very true in my experience. For me personally, getting back to feeling at least neutral happens by stop trying to force feeling good. This may just be my own tendency, but I redouble my efforts and try extra hard to push bad feelings away, often by “investigation” (this kind of investigation is just an attempt at suppression). Real, organic investigation happens when there’s no pressure and one is curious.

I’ve put things on a “does not matter” basis recently. This has been quite difficult for me to do, and I have realized I am quite a domineering personality, wanting to always have my preferences met. Going along with others’ preferences recently has triggered this fear in me of being taken advantage of or being a doormat for other people’s whims. But yesterday when I tried this, honestly everything turned out fine and I had a great time. I felt light and happy and harmless. It seems my pushing of my preferences is driven by this fear. Most of the things that happen do not really mater…
And for the things that do, I take a stand only if what’s happening is falling outside the realm of being sensible. This kind of action comes from a very different and more grounded place.

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Vineeto: Remember to get back to feeling good once you come across one of those “uncomfortable feelings” before you endeavour to investigate them. Often they are merely bad habits and easy to nip in the bud, but sometimes, when they return again, they need further exploration, like when you “cannot force this seeing”. Then there might be a dearly held belief or a personal truth or a cherished desire which keeps it in place.

Josef: This is very true in my experience. For me personally, getting back to feeling at least neutral happens by stop trying to force feeling good. This may just be my own tendency, but I redouble my efforts and try extra hard to push bad feelings away, often by “investigation” (this kind of investigation is just an attempt at suppression). Real, organic investigation happens when there’s no pressure and one is curious.

Hi Josef,

What you experience in those instances of trying to force feeling good is the increasing affective power of ‘me’ whenever you add energy by fighting unpleasant feelings, such as pushing them away, or trying to force good feelings by what you call “this kind of investigation”. Such action will only increase the intensity of your affective feelings. As you correctly observed, “organic investigation happens when there’s no pressure and one is curious”. Hence Richard’s suggestion that whenever your mood dips below feeling good, notice what it was that triggered the diminishing of feeling good and then get back to feeling good before endeavouring to sort out the obstacle in question.

Richard: What the identity inhabiting this flesh and blood body all those years ago would do is first get back to feeling good and then, and only then, suss out where, when, how, why – and what for – feeling bad happened as experience had shown ‘him’ that it was counter-productive to do otherwise.
What ‘he’ always did however, as it was often tempting to just get on with life then, was to examine what it was all about within half-an-hour of getting back to feeling good (while the memory was still fresh) even if it meant sometimes falling back into feeling bad by doing so … else it would crop up again sooner or later.
Nothing, but nothing, can be swept under the carpet. (Richard, AF List, No. 68c, 31 May 2005).

Josef: I’ve put things on a “does not matter” basis recently. This has been quite difficult for me to do, and I have realized I am quite a domineering personality, wanting to always have my preferences met. Going along with others’ preferences recently has triggered this fear in me of being taken advantage of or being a doormat for other people’s whims. But yesterday when I tried this, honestly everything turned out fine and I had a great time. I felt light and happy and harmless. It seems my pushing of my preferences is driven by this fear. Most of the things that happen do not really matter…

It’s great that you tried it out experientially, because events always turn out differently with sincere intent operating than theoretically or philosophically anticipated. This tool of putting everything on a “does not matter” basis also applies to weather, or situations beyond your control and whatever else happens in your daily life. “Pushing of my preferences” may partly be driven by its opposite, “this fear”, and it is also part and parcel of an identity’s inherent self-centricity, i.e. seeing everybody and every event and every thing merely from ‘my’ point of view/ my benefit or loss. When you become increasingly aware of this automatically operating self-centricity /ego-centricity [egocentric – ‘viewed or perceived from one’s own mind as a centre’ (The American Heritage® Dictionary)] and how it interferes with felicity/ innocuity, then putting everything on an ‘it doesn’t really matter basis’ makes even more sense.

Josef: And for the things that do, I take a stand only if what’s happening is falling outside the realm of being sensible. This kind of action comes from a very different and more grounded place. (link)

You may find this recent post interesting in this context –

Kuba: I never thought to question assertiveness, in fact I even remember as a kid in school being taught how it is so very important…
Also to tie it into Richard’s quote about preference, if I am asserting myself it means that I have already made it serious, which means it is no longer a self-less inclination, it is now a self-centred urge. This is exactly how I have observed conversations turn into arguments too.
Vineeto: Yes, you will be surprised how much effect it has on your whole outlook in life when you deliberately and consistently replace any self-centred urge which occurs with what is to happen as just being a preference. This quote from Richard might give you encouragement – (2 Oct 2025)
Richard: An anecdote might best illustrate what I mean: many years ago my then-companion Devika would oft-times say to me that I should stand up for myself and not let peoples (such as you describe) push me around … indeed, it was one of the reasons she created a psychic force-field in her psyche (which is, of course, the human psyche) so as to protect what she saw, experientially, back then as innocence personified.
(She was wont to exclaim, on occasion, how ‘Richard brings something marvellous – something absolutely wonderful – into the world and yet everyone deposits ordure on it’ … albeit not expressed quite so politely as that).
What she did not realise – except during a PCE of course – is that innocence itself (the genuine article and not the so-called innocence of children) requires no affective vibe/ psychic current protection whatsoever and, therefore, in vain would I explain to her that, in everyday situations such as you report (where the whole point of the exercise is to walk out the door with the goodies which those in a position of power and control can either dispense or withhold), I had no interest whatsoever in futilely striving to win a puny ego-battle with some officious power-tripper but, instead, walk away with the said goodies each time. (Richard, List D, No. 32, 7 July 2013).
Richard: … the counsel I consistently offered to Devika – vis-à-vis her insistence on ‘standing up for oneself’ to all and sundry – came from feeling-being ‘Richard’ (i.e., from ‘his’ success) and not from this flesh-and-blood body typing these words. (Richard, List D, Srid2, 14 Jan 2016).

The key ingredient, apart from aiming to be felicitous/ innocuous it to sensibly, i.e. when necessary, emotionally accept what is intellectually unacceptable so as to not compromise one’s intelligence.

James: … My question is: Can I accept the unacceptable? (…)
Richard: Given that people are as-they-are and that the world is as-it-is there are more than a few things which are ‘unacceptable’ (child abuse, rape, murder, torture and so on). What worked for me twenty-odd years ago, as a preliminary step, was to rephrase the question so that it makes sense (rather than vainly apply any of those unliveable ‘unconditional acceptance’ type injunctions):
• Can I emotionally accept that which is intellectually unacceptable?
This way intelligence need not be compromised … intelligence will no longer be crippled. (Richard, List B, James2, 18 Aug 2001).

Cheers Vineeto

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I had a PCE last night while on a high dose of cannabis that made me realize that actualism is much more radical than I first thought. When my “self” went into abeyance, I could feel infinite time and infinite space as I stood there in my house. Time also had no meaning. I could “access” the memories of my “self”, as weird as that sounds. But it was like thinking about a different person’s life.

It made me think that if “I” die (self-immolate), this body won’t pursue any of the goals that “I” hold dear. It seems all “my” values are based on what “I” hold dear. Fretting over money or my relationship with my wife or whatever else had zero meaning. In geoffrey’s video, when he says he’s poor and doesn’t give a shit, and then talks about security for the body as being food, water, shelter, I realized that a person who would be happy sitting in a garden for 20 years and dying would not be malicious or sorrowful for ANY reason. Even if they became quadriplegic (one of my worst nightmares), they would still be happy and harmless. This means that NOTHING at all matters.
I think that is why the method says to put everything on a does not matter basis or get back to feeling good no matter what. If that’s true I’ve not been applying the method at all. I have just been sticking a toe into the water while keeping my whole value system intact. It occurred to me, is the method kind of suicidal? But isn’t that the whole point? Self-immolation is psychological suicide?

RICHARD: No … my solution is ‘self’-immolation – psychological and psychic suicide – and not what you are making it out to be (I follow the entirely sensible convention of using smart quotes when referring to the entity who has taken up a parasitical residence in the flesh and blood body).

This leads me to a more worrying thought. Will I just go along with whatever the people around me want, as long as it doesn’t cause a threat to this physical body? What if my partner really wants something that I don’t? Does it not matter and I will just change my self-centered urge to a preference for everything?

I guess this is where silly/sensible comes into the equation. But during the PCE I felt like silly/sensible only applied to the preservation of the physical body. Honestly I was not ready for the experience at all and I could not go further, it felt like I would blow all my fuses or that I was not ready to make this a permanent condition. Felt like I skipped ahead and should have a PCE organically, without the use of drugs. At that point the PCE was over and the fear began.

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I always thought I would apply the actualism method and become more and more happy and harmless in my relationship. This was kind of the end goal. But in yesterday’s PCE it became clear to me that I could only act in my partner and I’s best interest if there is no relationship at all. The relationship is just another part of “me” with all of its problems. During the experience I was considering “my” parents, partner, brother, friends etc. But it just felt like “his” (“my”) life with his emotional hang ups. “My” home (with all “my” ideas about home) became just the place I’m living in right now.

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Josef: I had a PCE last night while on a high dose of cannabis that made me realize that actualism is much more radical than I first thought. When my “self” went into abeyance, I could feel infinite time and infinite space as I stood there in my house. Time also had no meaning. I could “access” the memories of my “self”, as weird as that sounds. But it was like thinking about a different person’s life.
It made me think that if “I” die (self-immolate), this body won’t pursue any of the goals that “I” hold dear. It seems all “my” values are based on what “I” hold dear. Fretting over money or my relationship with my wife or whatever else had zero meaning. In Geoffrey’s video, when he says he’s poor and doesn’t give a shit, and then talks about security for the body as being food, water, shelter, I realized that a person who would be happy sitting in a garden for 20 years and dying would not be malicious or sorrowful for ANY reason. Even if they became quadriplegic (one of my worst nightmares), they would still be happy and harmless. This means that NOTHING at all matters.
I think that is why the method says to put everything on a does not matter basis or get back to feeling good no matter what. If that’s true I’ve not been applying the method at all. I have just been sticking a toe into the water while keeping my whole value system intact. It occurred to me, is the method kind of suicidal? But isn’t that not the whole point? Self-immolation is psychological suicide?

RICHARD: No … my solution is ‘self’-immolation – psychological and psychic suicide – and not what you are making it out to be (I follow the entirely sensible convention of using smart quotes when referring to the entity who has taken up a parasitical residence in the flesh and blood body). (Richard, AF List, No. 29, 26 Feb 2002).

Hi Josef,

What a great PCE with so much more information for you and insights about what an actual freedom is.

It is an excellent plan to put everything “on a does not matter basis or get back to feeling good no matter what” because nothing matters in the long run. This is a pivotal decision regarding imitating the actual which you have just experienced.

Richard: I did everything I could to be as happy and harmless (as free of sorrow and malice) for as much as is humanly possible. This was achieved by first putting everything on a does-not-really-matter-in-the-long-run basis. That is, I would prefer people, things and events to be a particular way, but, if it did not turn out like that, it did not really matter for it was only a preference. I chose to no longer give other people – or the weather even – the power to have me annoyed, irritated, irked, or even peeved (link), if this was possible.
Then, as it was patently obvious in those experiences of pristine purity how this very moment of being alive is the only moment of ever actually being alive, I began to treat each moment again as precious. After all, it is not as if we have an unlimited amount of moments and – unlike a bank account which can be replenished – our supply of such moments is our most valuable (albeit dwindling) asset. In practical terms this meant being aware of how each precious moment was being experienced; if feeling good (felicity and innocuity) was the prevailing experience then this attentiveness ensured enjoyment and appreciation, of the sheer fact of being alive, each moment again; if feeling bad (unhappy and harmful) was the prevailing experience then whatever had displaced feeling good became readily apparent, upon such attention, with so much at stake. (Out-from-Control Reports, Richard).

Josef: This leads me to a more worrying thought. Will I just go along with whatever the people around me want, as long as it doesn’t cause a threat to this physical body? What if my partner really wants something that I don’t? Does it not matter and I will just change my self-centered urge to a preference for everything?

This appears to be the moment the PCE ended else you would not have had a “more worrying thought”.

Josef: I guess this is where silly/ sensible comes into the equation. But during the PCE I felt like silly/ sensible only applied to the preservation of the physical body. Honestly I was not ready for the experience at all and I could not go further, it felt like I would blow all my fuses or that I was not ready to make this a permanent condition. Felt like I skipped ahead and should have a PCE organically, without the use of drugs. At that point the PCE was over and the fear began. (link)

Yes, this “is where silly/ sensible comes into the equation” and it does not only apply to purely physical survival, as you can understand when you are back to feeling good (link). Have you heard of a win-win situation?

Here is something that might help regarding the assessment of preference –

Richard: A general rule of thumb is: if it is a preference it is a self-less inclination; if it is an urge it is a self-centred desire. (Richard, AF List, 25d, 14 Jan 2004).

The correspondence from the beginning explains it in more detail.

It is understandable when you say “I was not ready for the experience at all” – it may take some gestation period to percolate in the background for you to digest it all. But you have tasted the perfection and purity and experienced what is possible.

Josef: I always thought I would apply the actualism method and become more and more happy and harmless in my relationship. This was kind of the end goal. But in yesterday’s PCE it became clear to me that I could only act in my partner and I’s best interest if there is no relationship at all. The relationship is just another part of “me” with all of its problems. During the experience I was considering “my” parents, partner, brother, friends etc. But it just felt like “his” (“my”) life with his emotional hang ups. “My” home (with all “my” ideas about home) became just the place I’m living in right now. (link)

Ha, I can understand this very well. Living in peace and harmony with Peter was also ‘Vineeto’s’ entry point. Here is what ‘she’ reported –

‘Vineeto’: I am reminded of the time when my questioning was particularly pressing. I had been with Peter for a couple of months and in that time it became obvious that if I wanted to live with him in peace and harmony, I had to change, not only superficially but radically. I experienced that we could easily agree on facts – for instance the sensuous facts that sex is fun or which restaurant in town had the best coffee and lunch. We also had no problems agreeing on obvious empirical facts that could easily be verified. But as soon as it came to beliefs, opinions and feelings we often arrived at a loggerhead situation.
In particular I discovered that my beliefs in Eastern religion were increasingly impossible to reconcile with facts that emerged from reading Richard’s accounts of his discoveries, from mutual discussions I was having with Peter and from my own inquiries, yet my belonging to the Sannyas community made this investigation rather scary. For a few weeks we avoided talking ‘about the war’ but soon that was not good enough for me – living in harmony with Peter was at the very top of my laundry list and I was unwilling to settle for the normal relationship, where what passed for harmony was only sustained by constantly monitoring a ceasefire and constantly avoiding each other’s no-fly zones. For that very reason I needed to find out the facts and I had to dig deeper into the ideas, beliefs and truth that I had taken on board and that I felt so touchy and defensive about. To merely change one belief for another was not an option.
The need to find out as a certainty became so pressing that I began to ask more and more specific and sometimes very disturbing questions, so much so that one day I was distracted while driving and had a minor car accident. The following evening a crack in my beliefs became readily apparent, which resulted in my first major PCE. (Actualism, Vineeto, AF List, No. 37, 20.7.2003)

Don’t you find it amazing (worth appreciating) that you start with one worthwhile goal – to live with your partner in peace and harmony – and the more you explore to make it work, the more you discover what this all involves?

Now that you know with certainty, from the PCE, that ‘I’/ ‘me’ am the problem, you slowly dismantle whenever ‘I’ and ‘my’ demands, desires, objections, beliefs, etc. get in the way of being happy and harmless and enjoying/ appreciating being here. It’s not complex because it is only ‘me’, in ‘my’ variations, which is the problem. With your preference for a “self-less inclination” you have a clear compass where you want to go.

Two hints to make it easier – always get back to feeling good before investigating an obstacle, and remember to be a friend to yourself.

Cheers Vineeto

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