I have tried to become an good actualist. I have really tried to apply the method (on and off) these past years with quite poor results. The only noteable results happened about one year ago, after having spent many days really trying to get into an experience of “enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive” and to feel good. I had sucess… for a few days everything was new and exciting and I came to feel really good. I even for a brief moment touched upon the state of feeling excellent (very felicitious and innocious feelings). It was just so crazy to be going on an ordinary walk, to feel like this, together with this thought coming out of nowhere: “This is fun!”. I can’t recall having felt anything similar ever before in my life!
Of course I was expecting more… alot more… but then everything started going downhill instead … old forgotten spiritual beliefs emerged out of nowhere, like dark clouds on the horizon, and as this thunderstorm later was upon me in it’s full force - I was thrown into an abyss of fear and dispair.
In discussions with Craig I finally broke this viscious cycle and got back on my feet, feeling somewhat ‘normal’ again. But that’s it… There hasn’t been any more happy happy days. There’s no longer any particular enjoyment and appreciation of this moment of beng alive and I have not even come close to anything which resembles what I came to feel one year ago. The worst part this past year has been the loss of motivation… the kind of motivation I had those glorious summer days… as when at the pool, I felt like this big kid, playing and enjoying the magical fluid surronding me.
I have no motivation… I just can’t bring myself to even try for a second, to get back to that happy place again. I can’t get myself back upon the horse. I have zilch motivation left to work towards that ever again - no matter how lovely it was. I just don’t care anymore for what I did back then… nor the results produced there by. I have really tried to the best of my ability these past years… but in all sincerity… I have simply failed… Now… I can’t even bring myself to try any more. All motivation is gone. Instead I’m slowly reverting back to my old ways. A life of indulgence in my appetites, where I mindlessly go about my day - watching youtube, playing computer games, doing whatever I feel like etc. - thus being little attentive to anything.
I am everything that an actualist is not supposed to be. I’m most definately everything that YOU do not want to be. A complete failure.
I don’t care anymore… I don’t even care about trying to understand the method nor any other actualist lingo connected to it: “What am I going to investigate today?” - geoffrey (zoom-video). I certainly don’t care about any investigations. I never got to understand how to go about investigating anything nor did I ever have the stanima to “think things through”. I acctually found it utterly boring - this attempt of trying to pounder upon my own uninteresting stuff. No, I don’t care and I’ll never try to investigate anything ever again. But lo and behold! Still I had an investigation going yesterday and it happened all by itself:
"This incident today was so out of the ‘ordinary’ (though the word isn’t backed up by feeling like having a ‘wow-factor’ to it.). I woke up this morning… and for some reason I found myself starting to reflect upon my dead mother.
It’s kind of interesting since I never think of my mother and really don’t remember how I experienced her, since she died when I was eight years old. I guess my trip to Finland one week ago and there meeting with my aunt (whom I hadn’t seen for 40 years) and us discussing our past together - somehow had paved way for these early morning contemplations of mine.
Anyways… tears began flowing and I found myself crying this deep heartfelt cry, a phenomena that could have lasted for a long time, judging by my history of sadness and strong emotion (I’m certainly no alpha male lol). I wished for her to be alive, I wished I had known her and I just felt so sad about missing out on a person whom I had loved so much etc.
Suddenly… I was as if interrupted… I just stopped in the middle of what I was doing… just like that… when this wordless realization came upon me. I’m not even sure how to translate this ‘knowing’ into words, but it had all to do with the fact that I was acctually crying about a person that don’t exist; didn’t exist; and has never existed in the first place. The high regard and love towards this person, my mother, wasn’t actual and thus the need to cry simply vanished."
Now what hope is there for someone like me when there’s no motivation at all to get back on the path I was walking upon? Have I sort of given up? Do I sound like a broken man - ready to throw it all away and call it nonsense?
I simply don’t care about silly ‘motivation’, ‘drive’ and the act of ‘trying’. I don’t care at all… Because I have intent…. No longer does it matter if I feel good or bad nor where I’ll go. Because I have intent. This intent is with me in every experience and thus in whatever feeling I live through. Good or bad feelings? I care not. Because I have intent. Is it pure intent? I don’t know what that is since I have no significant experience of this ‘palpable lifeforce’. I don’t care if it’s pure or even dirty. Because I have intent. I don’t even care if I’m attentive to feelings through HAIETMOBA or if forgetfullness has me slipping back into my old ways (which happens way more frequently than not). Because I have intent. As soon as I notice that I have gone 'off track (forgetfullness) I feel back ‘on track’ again (attentive) as if I had never fallen of the track in the first place! I will make no difference between these different ‘modes of being’ because I am all modes… I am… whenever aware or unaware… I am… whenever attentive or unattentive. I always am am am… and thus I have decided to bring all of this, the good and the bad, under the umbrella of my intent. I have decided that the TOTALITY of myself is going to be a part of this intent. This one and only intent.
TO BECOME HAPPY AND HARMLESS - COME WHAT MAY!