Really enjoying reading these entries from you and @claudiu
It has been delightful experiencing my mind reading those old posts and then your posts here and seeing how it iterates through the various combinations of what may actually be the case, in the process of puzzling out what the best answer is.
Currently I’m left back with that it’s a “how many angels on the head of a pin” type argument. Because you write here that in your experience, pure intent “makes the whole thing a breeze vs some arduous task” – so why would you abandon this “main ingredient” in pursuit of enjoying and appreciating being alive, when that main ingredient made it so much easier to do that? I think the answer must lie somewhere other than what you’ve written here.
In fact it is becoming increasingly obvious to me that enjoying and appreciating being alive is what the point actually is. Pure intent being dynamically active makes it easier to see this, provides a safe backdrop for doing so, and amply grants the means with which to do it – so getting back to enjoying and appreciating is much easier than before. But it is still something I choose to do in a sense – I notice I have gotten caught up in an old habit and then it’s obvious the thing to do is to cease doing it, because it is spoiling this enjoyment and appreciation.
That being said you can put it another way – when one is fully, meaning-of-life free, one then is that very purity. So you can say the goal is to continue allowing the purity, and giving ‘oneself’ up until all that remains is just that purity and nothing else. From this way of phrasing it it would seem like allowing pure intent is the main goal. And perhaps it is – but what is the point? Why strive to allow that purity and perfection to be all that is experiencing itself? Because it is better to be that way… and why is it better? Because it’s an infinitely more enjoyable way of being alive. So then you go back to the enjoying and appreciating as being the point of it.
I wrote out the rest of the answer that it doesn’t practically matter which one one picks, but now my mind is settling on that it’s enjoying and appreciating that is primary, and that one will be limited by how much one can do it unless one establishes that active connection to pure intent. In other words, that the active connection becomes a key ingredient at proceeding further, at a certain point.
And now I am back on that it doesn’t matter which one one picks, just pick the one which allows you to maximize the purity and the enjoyment and appreciation 
I don’t know if one can derive a teleological argument of which one is “primary”, and I’m not sure it practically matters – so I’m back on the angels-on-a-pin answer . It seems clear that we can say the reason to do all this is because there is a better way of being alive, that better way of being alive is characterized by intrinsic and immaculate enjoyment and appreciation and an outstanding purity of existence, that one can find that purity and allow it to run through one’s life, that this allows one to enjoy and appreciate far more than is normal, and also that enjoying and appreciate enables one to allow that purity to flow more and more freely.
In other words, it is quite the feedback loop! So I would say whatever maximizes your felicity and your allowance of the purity is the way to go, whether you conceive of it one way or the other, do it in the way that maximizes that
Cheers,
Claudiu
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The other thing I am remembering now is that investigation whilst firmly connected to pure intent is a whole different game.
Investigation when ‘I’ work alone is very much swimming against the current. This is because without an escape hatch, without a connection to something outside of ‘me’, ‘I’ will grip on even tighter at the prospect of a core aspect of ‘myself’ disappearing.
Furthermore without a connection to something outside of ‘myself’ one is resigned to basically reshuffle various aspects of reality in order to try to effect change, but this never accomplishes much.
However when investigating with perfection and purity on one hand and some pesky aspect of one’s ‘being’ on the other hand, much progress can readily be made. ‘I’ can now be interrogated freely, because it is seen that a better alternative is available. Now ‘I’ am willing to lay ‘my’ cards on the table, in fact ‘I’ might be genuinely excited about this prospect.
Hmm so could it be said then, that enjoyment and appreciation is the ultimate goal as well as the way towards the goal. However pure intent is the active ingredient which enables the whole process to work.
Because without the PCE none of us would be here, it was always the case of that something outside of ‘humanity’ which had to be discovered, acknowledged, allowed, and eventually squarely brought into human consciousness.
Allowing pure intent is like feeding fine grade fuel into this whole machine of enjoyment and appreciation, it dynamically propels the whole thing in a way that ‘I’ could not otherwise do by ‘myself’.
Would you then advise to establish a connection to pure intent before going deep into investigation? Or rather, before using investigation as a tool at all?
So I wrote that post yesterday when after writing to @claudiu I noticed there was some kind of a fear there, something like “will this devolve into an argument because I suggested he may have been incorrect”, of course it was super nice to come out with a fruitful discussion instead.
But when this fear came up there was also the background awareness of purity, and this made it possible for ‘me’ to safely lay ‘myself’ bare, with the sure knowledge that whatever was revealed by the investigation would be small potatoes, that it didn’t matter in the end, it was just some pesky aspect of ‘myself’ getting in the way of enjoyment and appreciation, no big deal.
Actually the experience of investigation with pure intent reminds me of a post by @John a while back - John - #114 by John
This different approach … felt like the opening of a window and now to have a fresh air flowing into the dark dungeon called me - here to mix with the stench of the rotten feelings that I’ve been breathing for so long. Everything felt so much easier, my heart felt light and the most part of yesterday morning I thus spent in a most unusual joyous state of mind; playing and fooling around with the kids that I work with.
But without complicating things I guess what I said is really no different to the already established advice of getting back to feeling good before investigating. Because like @geoffrey mentioned in the zoom chat the felicitous feelings contain a flavour of the actual in them, they are an imitation of the actual.
So using this diagram I made a while back, where investigation will be most arduous is that ‘normal reality’ stage, where one has separated oneself from purity in whatever gradation and so one is doing it all alone, without a solid alternative at hand.
But as soon as the felicitous feelings are activated one is tasting purity to a degree, and from there the job gets progressively easier and more effective. This will go all the way to investigating whilst purity is all around and then it becomes this whole other experience.
So I was looking at something yesterday that is hard to put into words, so I will try! I was contemplating on how all those ‘actualist concepts’ can be so hard/elusive to grasp. There is this strange phenomenon that happens, when one asks : what is pure intent, what is naiveté, what is sincerity? And an explicit answer is provided, a solid description is right in front of them, and yet it appears to them like a bunch of meaningless words strung together. This is something that I can still remember when first coming across actualism, the whole thing seemed like a bunch of meaningless words strung together. It seemed as if each definition only shifted the goalpost onto the next word, which again required further definition, and so on it went, round and round.
I was contemplating this yesterday and it struck me that the way the ‘actualist concepts’ are defined is no different to how anything is defined. Try defining a triangle, something we all understand unambiguously. Here is what google gives me :
A triangle is a polygon with three corners and three sides, one of the basic shapes in geometry. The corners, also called vertices, are zero-dimensional points while the sides connecting them, also called edges, are one-dimensional line segments. The triangle’s interior is a two-dimensional region
Now present this information to someone who has never come across a triangle before (or any other shape for that matter), who doesn’t know what a polygon is either, or what geometry is or what vertices are etc and all of a sudden something so obvious seems like a mess of words that point to nothing. They can try to find further definitions - “ok, what is geometry then?” :
the branch of mathematics concerned with the properties and relations of points, lines, surfaces, solids, and higher dimensional analogues
But it seems that the more definitions are presented the more diluted the thing becomes and still the fundamental understanding of what is being spoken about is somehow eluding one - “what is this damned triangle!?”.
And here is the crux of it all, the reason why those ‘actualist concepts’ are so hard to grasp, why the definitions may seem meaningless - It is because they have not taken full root in human consciousness yet, they have not had sufficient experiential exposure to make sense. Just like trying to describe a triangle to someone who has never experienced shapes.
Which brings me onto the next point, why it is so important that actualism is practiced, discussed and openly shared between human beings, it is because those things which are currently outside of ‘humanity’ need to become fully rooted in human consciousness, in a way that they become an ‘of course’.
As in ‘of course I know what a triangle is’, or ‘of course I know what pure intent is’.
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This also makes me think back to the book I have been reading recently - The better angels of our nature. Although this is slightly different as these things relate not to facts but to beliefs/concepts. But even things like religion, morality, government, law, money, human rights. Things which the current human is easily able to comprehend. These things were once upon a time equally meaningless propositions. Yet somehow human beings have been progressively refining their understanding of what being alive is all about. Actualism is simply the next step, and a huge one at that, towards a complete experiential understanding of what it means to be a human being living in the world as it actually is.
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So this is what I have been doing and this is what has been happening I woke up this morning and realised that I spent most of yesterday aware of this magical quality that is all around (in varying degrees) and then I was delighted to wake up this morning with this quality still all around. Last night before going to bed I briefly dipped back into ‘normal’ but upon realising it I was able to simply steer the course back towards the magical aspect.
There is something that I was contemplating yesterday which has been helping me to remain in this magical place, it relates to the realisation that I am already not in control. The way I experience it is that this game of control is as if I am holding a bunch of sand and letting it slip through the hands. Now even if I knew the exact number of grains contained to begin with and the number slipping away, the very second ‘I’ go to announce how many remain, the number has already shifted.
I find life is the same, as in there is this infinite number of infinitely intricate cogs which are constantly turning. And here ‘I’ am announcing a plan, ‘I’ am taking a snapshot of life and from this snapshot planning out what will happen in the next moment. And of course this never works as ‘I’ am out of time. The outcome is some desperate game of trying to make life fit ‘my’ demands, a game that is ultimately always painful.
Seeing this fully ‘I’ can no longer justify remaining in control, then there is just this wondrous awareness of life as it happens now.
It seems now it is about committing to remaining in this place come what may OR returning immediately the second ‘I’ go back to ‘my’ old ways. But this is getting easier and easier because why would I want to go ‘back there’, it is painful and it is mad ‘back there’, and here all is magical.
Yesterday I was doing my hen party jobs all day, now those have always been notoriously difficult with regards to not going back into ‘my’ shell. It’s things like - I am technically at work, that I am going to meet strangers, that I cannot predict what the group will be like, that I am having to provide a performance, that I am naked in front of a bunch of women! 
etc. So many variables that would scream for ‘me’ to retain control.
But yesterday I was able to remain in this magical place whilst doing the jobs, this is something quite new for me. And so now I have the confidence that if I could do it then, I can do it come what may.
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So things are getting pretty incredible lately, I have been thinking how to summarise where I am finding myself and Peter’s description in the ‘actualist guide’ fits pretty well :
http://actualfreedom.com.au/actualism/path2.htm
This latter stage of Virtual Freedom is epitomized by the increasingly free operation of common sense and the diminishing of all of the instinctual passions, both the savage and the tender. One’s awareness becomes increasingly bare of the common neurosis of ‘self’-centred thinking, and apperception is able to freely operate unimpeded by the usual input of chemicals that produce the instinctual passions and emotional reactions. One’s physical senses are freed of the instinctual burden of being constantly on-guard and more and more sensual delight becomes abundantly apparent. Having none of the instinctual drives operating and traditional values and meanings to hang on to can be quite discerning, to say the least, and a learning or accustomizing period is necessary for this new way of living.
As the immensity of Actual Freedom becomes apparent it becomes obvious that what one is doing is preparing the ground for the final step – reducing the gap and ‘testing the water’, so to speak, as one lives increasingly naked of any psychic protection. Another stunning aspect of this period is that one is clearly able to see the psychic world in operation – the usual game of psychic attack and defence, blame and forgiveness, remorse and revenge, etc. that is constantly played out between all human beings. All sorts of explorations can be made into this world depending upon one’s predilections.
As I write this now there is this incredibly juicy sensate world all around, the past and the future are virtually gone, without the emotional backing they cannot hold sway.
I find I am able to explore various aspects of the instinctual programming with a clarity that I did not have before, it’s as if the human condition is all out in the open around me, I am able to sensibly observe it and contemplate it with a fascinated attention.
There is still a quality of things waxing and waning though, I find I can broadly categorise 3 states I find ‘myself’ in :
1- Is best described by what Devika wrote in Richard’s Journal, that ‘my’ state of ‘being’ is virtually comparable to the ambience of the PCE. This is the cutting edge of things and it’s very incredible.
2 - Is when I find that there is still perfection and purity all around but I can locate ‘myself’ palpably in the centre as a ball of affect. This is not quite a flashing red light yet because pure intent is still dynamically working away.
3 - Is when I find that the emotion has infiltrated ‘my’ experience to such an extent where the ‘self’ centred-thinking is dominating, where the past and the future hold sway once more, where ‘I’ am trying to regain control - This is certainly a flashing red light and the goal has been to get out of that dead end ASAP.
It is simple on one hand because all it takes is to continue allowing the perfection and purity, but at the same time this takes a certain amount of daring, over and over and then some more.
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I wish I could plaster your post with more reaction emojis but this will have to do.I have been having a lot of fun investigating the human condition recently… I remember the other day watching my dog poncho as he was trying to dig himself the perfect lair inside of my hoodie, of course he just ended up scratching the thing for ages without achieving much 
He is simply programmed by blind nature to perform certain actions, now this programming did not develop in houses with sofas and hoodies and so the behaviour misses the mark.
But this is exactly how I see the human condition these days, and it’s fascinating just how much of human behaviour, of all the stuff that is going on is happing in this very same manner. The social arises directly out of the instinctual and is part of the same package. All of those ‘human dramas’ are merely refinements of the crude instinctual programming that one can observe in animals.
The fascinating thing is that the entire world seems to be completely blind to this, it is as if this is secret knowledge. I can go on social media and I see post after post displaying the same core instinctual behaviours merely refined into what appears to be some ‘human wisdom’ and then argued over back and forth.
I am just watching a podcast with Richard Dawkins and he is still looking for the origin of the universe, he is still sneaking in the idea of design, essentially he is still looking at the universe through the ‘human lens’, which itself is rooted in the crude instinctual programming.
It is very clear that as human beings now we are still crippled by the instincts flowing from our animal heritage and the extent of this seems to be impossible to grasp unless one is able to access something outside of ‘humanity’, to look from a vantage point that is outside all of that.
This is why very intelligent people still end up falling for the very same illusions, and even worse they have the brain power to refine these into much more troublesome machinations. It is quite mind blowing the extent to which all of ‘my’ behaviour, and therefore all of ‘human’ behaviour is simply blind instinctual programming in operation.
Once this is seen it makes complete sense why you cannot combat the wisdom of the real world, because the one being spoken with can only bounce from one piece of programming to the other, and they are completely blind to this unless they can view from a vantage point which exists outside of the programming altogether.
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Further on this explains why it is impossible to effect any genuine change by appealing to any piece of that programming, which is to say that the only way is for individual human beings to eradicate the human condition within themselves.
Otherwise it is truly the blind leading the blind and to an extent that is rather mind blowing. It’s fascinating to contemplate that who ‘I’ am as an identity is this very programming. There is no differentiation between ‘me’ and this programming that I am observing all around.
Normally ‘I’ would fancy ‘myself’ as someone special, ‘I’ would dissociate from ‘my’ roots and become an individual ‘I’ which is separate from ‘humanity’, and thus ‘my’ cage is created. As Devika wrote ‘I’ live in ‘my’ splendid isolation.
It’s interesting that lately there is a noticeable lack of self-centricity, as in ‘I’ no longer have ‘my’ splendid isolation, now ‘I’ can be seen clearly.
Actually I may be incorrect here as there is 1 piece of that programming which will get the job done and that is ‘my’ altruistic self-immolation.
I have been contemplating something which I initially encountered in a book I was reading - ‘the better angels of our nature’ by Steven Pinker.
The author points out that although many democratic countries have lower rates of violent conflicts, this effect seems to only apply to countries where democracy developed from ‘bottom up’, that is to say it is the end product of many different cultural shifts which built upon themselves over a stretch of time.
What happens in countries where democracy is applied ‘top down’, as an ideology would, is that the government is further destabilised.
I found this quite fascinating both in relation to the topic at hand and also with regards to ‘my’ relationship to this universe. I notice that ‘I’ operate ‘top down’ in exactly this way, as in ‘I’ demand (based on ‘my’ limited understanding) that this moment happen according to ‘my’ beliefs.
But just like democracy failing when applied ‘top down’ without proper consideration to the ground on which it is being built upon, ‘I’ equally have no access to the richness and complexity which is the backbone of this moment. How could ‘I’ (this tiny insignificant ‘I’) know better than this universe how this moment should eventuate, what hubris that is!
Just like a stable democracy developing from ‘bottom up’, this moment happens organically, it is a product of such richness and complexity, from which at best ‘I’ can take a distorted snapshot and then try to force it ‘top down’ onto another moment. But what a silly game that is in the end because ‘I’ always miss the mark, better to give way to this richness. It is such a release to admit, finally admit, that this universe knows better
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So reading @Felix’s recent post - Felix's Diary - #247 by Felix specifically the below :
Now I’m going a whole ‘nother route - and it feels great. As my regular self I’m becoming caring, considerate and emotionally available
This made me consider how I experience myself lately, something that I have noticed the past week or so is that I do not have the capacity to become sharp or severe anymore, and this has been pressure tested by various circumstances.
But the fascinating thing is how solid this change has been, as in there has not been a single instance in the past week or so when I have become sharp, severe or otherwise fell into a mood. As @claudiu wrote there are times when a powerful affective current (which is ‘me’) can be raging through and yet somehow it is crippled - it doesn’t have the capacity to morph into a full blown psychological operation (how ‘I’ would usually experience ‘myself’), so all in all it seems virtually impossible to get into a mood.
Which means those times are now opportunities to explore the depths of ‘my’ being. What is becoming clear though is that at some point ‘I’ have to go in ‘my’ entirety, that no matter how well ‘I’ resolve whatever remaining dramas, ‘I’ will still remain as a feeling being. It seems this is the benefit of going thus far in purifying ‘myself’. Seeing that ultimately ‘I’ still remain as a feeling being, that this cannot be chipped away at, that it can only be eliminated as a whole.
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So it seems things are still moving forward which is great! There is definitely a dynamic aspect to how things are playing out day by day. Things still come up but they do not stick, rather they are immediately divulged by attentiveness. And in this way bits of ‘me’ are falling away, this seems to be made possible because of the ongoing connection to the perfection and purity. With perfection and purity so easily accessible all around ‘I’ can accept being redundant and vacate the scene bit by bit.
It’s interesting to see that there are maybe 2 main themes which persist at this point, and even those are kind of phasing in and out, at times they dominate somewhat and then they are seen as unnecessary and fall back. But each day I find that it is those themes which are fading into the background and it is the perfection and purity which is starting to take centre stage.
Which means I am getting a good look at those last ‘identity commitments’, it is perfection and purity in one hand and ‘identity commitments’ in the other, at this point though the scale is strongly leaning towards the perfection and purity, which means the ‘identity commitments’ are being viewed from an entirely different vantage point.
It is easy to spot the difference between them too, that which is left of ‘my’ identity requires to be continually maintained, there is a certain painful effort this takes, ‘I’ don’t get to rest as long as ‘I’ remain an identity, for ‘I’ must maintain ‘myself’. Whereas living the perfection and purity there is no such burden of having to maintain ‘myself’.
It’s interesting because I specifically remember when I was a teenager, having this sense that I lost something, I could remember this faint sense of something precious which I lived as a child which was all of a sudden completely absent from my life, and I just didn’t know how to get it back, or maybe it never existed in the first place…
Nowadays that something precious which was lost has been re-discovered and is being lived more and more each day. It’s like being back to the place before ‘I’ took on the burden of being a ‘who’, in a word it is naiveté 
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Some more fun explorations…
So there is quite a lot going on these days in terms of the ‘in the marketplace’ type stuff. It’s a very interesting thing to be involved in because ‘I’ am at the same time stepping off the stage, at a time when apparently ‘I’ am most needed haha!
It seems there are all these things to do, to control for, to account for etc and yet ‘I’ am doing less and less, somehow though the cogs are still turning, things are still being done and all is well.
This is making something very clear, essentially that there is life as it actually happens and then there is ‘me’, all those ‘things to do/control/account for’ only exist in ‘my’ world, they have naught to do with life as it actually happens.
It is as if ‘I’ am running all these side quests (masquerading as the main thing) which are completely unnecessary, meanwhile the things which actually require attention happen without ‘my’ involvement anyways.
And it has always been like this, I notice that whenever there was a particularly complex thing ahead, ‘I’ only got in the way, but ultimately what needed to be done would happen.
The funny thing as well is that ‘I’ would typically get resentful of that burden, of having to ‘do/control/account for’ all these things and yet when there was a quiet period ‘I’ would begin to feel restless, like ‘I’ don’t know what to do with ‘myself’.
And this exposes ‘my’ MO, which is essentially like a generator of things which have naught to do with the facts, and then passionately getting involved in dramas around it. It’s like the people who are afraid of having nothing to do so they fill their life with busyness and then resent the stress this ends up causing them!
What I notice is that the things which actually require attention (the facts) have a way of making themselves known, they are substantial and therefore they can be addressed, they are here right in front of me.
Whereas all those ‘things to do/control/account for’ are generated by ‘me’ and therefore they are not substantial, they cannot be grasped and therefore they inevitably create anxiety. How can one address something that does not actually exist? Only by reverting to imagination, belief, hope, trust etc.
Which means that to deal with facts inevitably leads to confidence (and therefore security) whereas to deal with beliefs inevitably leads to uncertainty (and therefore stress and anxiety). But the significant thing here is that ‘my’ entire worldview, all those ‘things to do/control/account for’ are the latter.
So indeed it can be seen that even when busy in the marketplace ‘I’ have no part in anything other than causing confusion and anxiety. It is a big burden to drop, to consider living a life where ‘I’ am no longer needed to ‘do/control/account for’ anything. Where that which requires attention presents itself naturally, it is right here and therefore ‘I’ do not have to painfully plan ahead (with the only tools available to ‘me’, such as hope and belief). To live this would be to live free of stress and free of anxiety AND things are still being done.
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And I know I am on the right track towards this when there is that ‘holiday atmosphere’ or experiencing what Richard wrote in his journal - that in actuality it is the festive season all year round. In short ‘I’ end up with nothing else to do but enjoying and appreciating.
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Perhaps what you describe is one of the aspects that has cost me the most to be able to advance on the wondrous path. I have a very demanding job, where many people depend on my decisions, in a very competitive political environment, with dirty wars often occurring. Therefore my personality has become defensive and at certain times, when stress reigns, aggressive. From 2019 to date I have been dismantling that way of being and putting into practice another way of solving the urban problems of public administration. I notice how more and more my colleagues value and recognize my way of being as highly equanimous, peaceful, cheerful and patient. Something that is particularly valued in high moments of conflict. However, I know that many times I repress emotions to stay calm and that is not the best. This year in particular I have managed to avoid that mechanism and keep my hands in my pockets allowing all kind of emotions to emerge.
A moment of strong change in laboral terms is coming and perhaps new, more difficult responsibilities will be delegated to me. I feel a little nervous about it, because I don’t want to lose what “I have advanced” and at the same time I realize that there is nothing to lose, since “what is advanced” has consisted of “ceasing to be” something that will no longer return. The only thing left is to continue dismantling and definitively release the last bits of control, at some point, to allow this body to take complete charge of itself and whatever life presents to it.
Furthermore, the last PCE has given me all the confidence I needed to continue doing it. A permanent task is to remember it and thus recover, every time it is lost, the pure intent connection.
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