Something has shifted. The age and the pain are not a handicap as long as I live within my means instead of trying to overcome it. The body is a master of its own experience. The actual freedom of a new life is doable. Af is within reach.
However, I have noticed a deeper underlying wish to die in my sleep. It’s like it would be a relief even though my life is not that bad. My only real problem right now is chronic pain for which there could be help or a solution.
The state has approved the use of the compassionate use of THC for chronic pain. I am going to check on this to see if I can jump thru all the hoops to get it. I could be better off w/o it.
@Vineeto I have come to realize why I have never gotten anywhere with self-immolation. It is because I have always wanted to do it for ‘me’ w/o wanting to do it for others. This is not true altruism. Altruism is wanting to do it for ‘me’, ‘you’ and ‘everybody’.
I would like to start by saying that I really want to do it for you. This is the best place to start because you have tried so hard to help me all these years. If I can do it for you then I can do it for me and everybody.
Thank you for being there for me all these years.
I understand now why altruism is the key. I need altruism to give me the strength to follow thru just as Richard told us.
I don’t want to send this because I am afraid that I can’t deliver on my promise.
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Hi James,
It’s excellent you now understand the practical meaning of altruism and realising that you “have always wanted to do it for ‘me’ w/o wanting to do it for others”. It is an important insight and now allows you to widen your perspective to include other people – your fellow human beings – in your consideration in daily life.
Altruism (the act of sacrificing one’s ‘self’) only happens right at the end, but keeping the intent for altruism in mind you can allow developing a genuine caring which can segue into a “caring as close to an actual caring as an identity can muster” (see link). It has the additional benefit making interactions with people more enjoyable and amicable.
James: I would like to start by saying that I really want to do it for you. This is the best place to start because you have tried so hard to help me all these years. If I can do it for you then I can do it for me and everybody.
Thank you for being there for me all these years.
I understand now why altruism is the key. I need altruism to give me the strength to follow thru just as Richard told us.
I understand and appreciate what you say, and I am curious to hear if you experience a change in your strength and intent with this new insight and perspective.
James: I don’t want to send this because I am afraid that I can’t deliver on my promise. (link)
I appreciate your sincerity and that you have sent it anyway.
Cheers Vineeto
Thanks for the reminder that altruism comes at the end. I need to completely review ‘How to become af.’
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>James: Thanks for the reminder that altruism comes at the end. I need to completely review ‘How to become af.’ (link)
Hi James,
The most significant suggestion is, of course, to enjoy and appreciate being alive. A way to allow naiveté is to allow yourself to be in a good mood, which can be brought about by not courting either ‘good’ or bad feelings. It doesn’t need to be sustained with mental energy or guardedness – the simple absence of ‘good’ or bad feelings is sufficient. The cleanness and freshness of simply enjoying being here allows layers of enjoyment and appreciation you weren’t aware of before. It’s delicious.
When you are in such a good mood, it is worthwhile contemplating what Richard explained about being here at this place now in this very moment. It’s the quickest way to experientially understand what an actual freedom is like.
Richard: With no ‘I’ to mess things up you will understand apperceptively that physically, and thus factually, this actual universe has no ‘inside’ as there is no ‘outside’. Therefore there is no centre (no middle) and thus, with infinity, somewhere as a place is no ‘where’ (nowhere) in particular. There is no measurement possible with infinite space, for there is no reference point (an edge) to compare against. Living on planet earth, humans measure space in comparison to the localised distance between here and there. It is this measurement that is relative, not the universe. ‘Here’ is, as a fact, anywhere in infinity.
So is it too with time. As there is no beginning and end to time, there is no middle. ‘Now’ as a fixed point has no ‘when’ (nowhen) in particular (it is whenever we humans agree to make it). There is no measurement possible in eternity, for there is no reference point (before a beginning) to compare against. Living on the planet earth in localised daylight and darkness, humans measure time in comparison to the period between now and then. It is this measurement that is relative, not time. Just as ‘here’ is anywhere in infinity, so too is ‘now’ anywhen in eternity.
Thus, just as we humans living on this planet are moving from nowhere to anywhere in infinite space, so too are we coming from nowhen and proceeding to anywhen in time. As it is any measurement that is relative, not the substance of space and time, consequently, when ‘I’, the psychological entity called the self, disappears as a measurer (a reference point), measurement ceases to be a reality and the actual becomes apparent. Then, and only then, is one being alive here as an actuality in space and living now as an actuality in time.
None of us are coming from somewhere or going anywhere for we are always here and it is already now. We are never not here and it is never not now. Where else could we be but here? When we move from ‘here’ to ‘there’, as we are moving we are always here … and when we arrive ‘there’, we are here. Similarly when else could it be but now? As we wait for ‘then’ to become ‘now’, while we are waiting it is always now … and when ‘then’ arrives, it is now.
Being alive is ambrosial, to say the least. (Richard, List A, No. 16, #No. 17).
Enjoy.
Cheers Vineeto
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Thanks, this is a perfect and easy to follow review of what I need. You’re the best.
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My latest and current experience is : It is what it is.
This is a good thing. There is really nothing else to say.
This experience came out of Vineeto’s latest reply to me directly above. I want to archive it when I figure out how.
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James: My latest and current experience is: It is what it is.
This is a good thing. There is really nothing else to say.
Hi James,
When you write – “it is what it is” and “this is a good thing” – are you saying you enjoy “what it is”? Are you also fully appreciating “what it is”? I ask because appreciation is the key to multiplying the enjoyment and lead to further enjoyment and thus appreciation.
James: This experience came out of Vineeto’s latest reply to me directly above (link). I want to archive it when I figure out how. (link).
You may like this one too –
Respondent: I have some questions and comments based on some of your remarks I found on that forum:
• [Richard]: ‘What one does is that one dedicates oneself to the challenge of being here as the universe’s experience of itself … now.’ [endquote]. (Richard, List C, No. 2a, 13 March 2000).
That is my experience almost exactly except I don’t think I ‘dedicate’ myself to this. It is just clearly obvious to me that this body that I refer to as me is simply the universe experiencing itself from this particular viewpoint. No particular method to the madness, other than attention or the willingness to be attentive.
Richard: The dedication depends upon how far one wishes to go … I tapped into the purity and perfection of the infinitude of this physical universe during a pure consciousness experience (PCE) in 1980. It gave rise to a ‘pure intent’ which I experienced as a palpable life-force; as an actually occurring stream of benevolence and benignity that originates in the vast and utter stillness that is the essential character of the universe itself. Once set in motion, it was no longer a matter of choice: it was an irresistible pull. Thus nineteen years ago ‘I’, the persona that I was, looked at the physical world and just knew that this enormous construct called the universe was not ‘set up’ for us humans to be forever forlorn in with only scant moments of reprieve. ‘I’ the persona realised there and then that it was not and could not ever be some ‘sick cosmic joke’ that humans all had to endure and ‘make the best of’. ‘I’ the persona felt foolish that ‘I’ had believed for thirty two years that the wisdom of the ‘real-world’ that ‘I’ had inherited – the world that ‘I’ was born into – was set in stone. This foolish feeling allowed ‘me’ to get in touch with ‘my’ dormant naiveté, which is the closest thing one has that resembles actual innocence, and activate it with a naive enthusiasm to undo all the conditioning and brainwashing that ‘I’ had been subject to. Then when ‘I’ looked into ‘myself’ and at all the people around and saw the sorrow and malice in every one of us, ‘I’ could not stop. ‘I’ knew that ‘I’ had just devoted myself to the task of setting ‘myself’ and ‘humanity’ free … ‘I’ willingly dedicated ‘my’ life to this most worthy cause. (Richard, General Correspondence, Page 9, 31 Mar 2000).
Cheers Vineeto
You have nailed it Vineeto. Enjoyment has been gradually returning but I have been lacking appreciation. I do have reasons to appreciate and I see that I need to express appreciation in order to enhance the enjoyment.
For example, I appreciate that I can still walk and that the pain is tolerable with pain meds.
Also, I appreciate that I can still live at home on my own with help from my maid and neighbors.
I appreciate that my condition is gradually improving.
I really appreciate you being here for myself and others. This is a great help.
Please send me a copy of your previous reply below to my email address ( jamesjj63@gmail.com) so that I can archive it in my mail archive. Thanks :
The most significant suggestion is, of course, to enjoy and appreciate being alive. A way to allow naiveté is to allow yourself to be in a good mood, which can be brought about by not courting either ‘good’ or bad feelings. It doesn’t need to be sustained with mental energy or guardedness – the simple absence of ‘good’ or bad feelings is sufficient. The cleanness and freshness of simply enjoying being here allows layers of enjoyment and appreciation you weren’t aware of before. It’s delicious.
When you are in such a good mood, it is worthwhile contemplating what Richard explained about being here at this place now in this very moment. It’s the quickest way to experientially understand what an actual freedom is like.
Richard: With no ‘I’ to mess things up you will understand apperceptively that physically, and thus factually, this actual universe has no ‘inside’ as there is no ‘outside’. Therefore there is no centre (no middle) and thus, with infinity, somewhere as a place is no ‘where’ (nowhere) in particular. There is no measurement possible with infinite space, for there is no reference point (an edge) to compare against. Living on planet earth, humans measure space in comparison to the localised distance between here and there. It is this measurement that is relative, not the universe. ‘Here’ is, as a fact, anywhere in infinity.
So is it too with time. As there is no beginning and end to time, there is no middle. ‘Now’ as a fixed point has no ‘when’ (nowhen) in particular (it is whenever we humans agree to make it). There is no measurement possible in eternity, for there is no reference point (before a beginning) to compare against. Living on the planet earth in localised daylight and darkness, humans measure time in comparison to the period between now and then. It is this measurement that is relative, not time. Just as ‘here’ is anywhere in infinity, so too is ‘now’ anywhen in eternity.
Thus, just as we humans living on this planet are moving from nowhere to anywhere in infinite space, so too are we coming from nowhen and proceeding to anywhen in time. As it is any measurement that is relative, not the substance of space and time, consequently, when ‘I’, the psychological entity called the self, disappears as a measurer (a reference point), measurement ceases to be a reality and the actual becomes apparent. Then, and only then, is one being alive here as an actuality in space and living now as an actuality in time.
None of us are coming from somewhere or going anywhere for we are always here and it is already now. We are never not here and it is never not now. Where else could we be but here? When we move from ‘here’ to ‘there’, as we are moving we are always here … and when we arrive ‘there’, we are here. Similarly when else could it be but now? As we wait for ‘then’ to become ‘now’, while we are waiting it is always now … and when ‘then’ arrives, it is now.
Being alive is ambrosial, to say the least. (Richard, List A, No. 16, #No. 17).
Enjoy.
Cheers Vineeto
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Hi James,
This is a good start in appreciation – to give all you experience and enjoy your stamp of approval. To be aware what there is in life that you already enjoy.
And yet there is so much more possible, to enjoy and appreciate that you are alive, to saying YES to life each moment again, to partake fully in existence as much as you can. You can become more and more aware of all the various sensate, sensuous and cognitive experiences that this aliveness entails – the eyes enjoying what they see, the ears delighting in the sounds, the tongue enjoying the texture and flavour of the food you eat, the nostrils relishing in the various scents, your cognitive faculty of understanding and comprehending operating intelligently and sagaciously, as well as the fact of being aware of being conscious, including all these details of what it is to be alive, which allow you evoking amazement, marvel and a state of wide-eyed wonder.
You can also, whenever you remember, become sensuously aware and appreciate that this moment is the only moment you are actively being alive –
Richard: Sensuousness is the wondrous awareness of the marvel of being here now at this moment in time and this place in space – which awareness is combined with the fascination of contemplating that this moment is one’s only moment of being alive – and one is never alive at any other time than now. And, wherever one is … now … one is always here … now … even if one starts walking over to ‘there’ … now … along the way to ‘there’ … now … one is always here … now … and when one arrives ‘there’ … now … it too is here … now.
Thus awareness is an attraction to the fact that one is always here – and it is already now – and as one is already here and it is always now then one has arrived before one starts. Such delicious wonder fosters the innate condition of naiveté (which is the closest ‘I’ can get to innocence) the nourishing of which is essential if the charm of it all is to occur. The potent combination of awareness – fascinated reflective contemplation – and sensuousness produces apperception, which happens when the mind becomes aware of itself (‘I’ disappear).
One is intimately aware that the physical space of this universe is infinite and its time is eternal … thus the infinitude of this very material universe has no beginning and no ending and therefore no middle. There are no edges to this universe, which means that there is no centre, either. We are all coming from nowhere and are not going anywhere for there is nowhere to come from nor anywhere to go too. We are nowhere in particular … which means we are anywhere at all. In the infinitude of the universe one finds oneself to be already here, and as it is always now, one can not get away from this place in space and this moment in time.
By being here as-this-body one finds that this moment in time has no duration as in ‘now’ and ‘then’ – because the immediate is the ultimate – and that this place in space has no distance as in ‘here’ and ‘there’ – for the relative is the absolute.
In other words: one is always here as it is already now. (Richard’s Journal, Appendix Five).
Cheers Vineeto
My ex-wife died yesterday which has brought up feelings of love and sadness. This has led me to look at “I am my feelings and my feelings are me.” To me this means ‘I’ am my feelings and my feelings are ‘me’. It is the ‘I’ and the ‘me’. That is who I am as long as I have this feeler and am not actually free.
I need to see the fact in this. Death is a fact.
I can’t go back to her this time because she is not there so I’m left with the feelings which are not a fact.
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James: My ex-wife died yesterday which has brought up feelings of love and sadness. This has led me to look at “I am my feelings and my feelings are me.” To me this means ‘I’ am my feelings and my feelings are ‘me’. It is the ‘I’ and the ‘me’. That is who I am as long as I have this feeler and am not actually free.
I need to see the fact in this. Death is a fact.
I can’t go back to her this time because she is not there so I’m left with the feelings which are not a fact. (link).
Hi James,
Since you have already said good-bye to your ex-wife several times before in order to be finished with the feeling of love, perhaps the quote below might give you additional inspiration to overcome the sorrow of her final departure.
Also, you do not “have this feeler” you are the feeler.
RESPONDENT: What do you say to your grandchildren when they are hurt, desolate, crying?
RICHARD: I say the same to my grandchildren when they are hurt, desolate or crying as I say to any body and every body – no body is special – which is: all mental-emotional-psychic suffering is an unnecessary and self-inflicted wound. Any mental-emotional-psychic viciousness on the part of another, first and foremost, lies in the heart of the ‘giver’ and inevitably turns in on itself as existential sorrow. Thus, in the final analysis, it is the ‘giver’ who suffers the most intimately. As for the ‘receiver’ of any nastiness, it is entirely up to them what they do with it … apart from physical brutality, no-one can force their cruelty on another without the other’s acquiescence and compliance. (Richard, Gen. Correspondence, Page 9a, 21 May 2000).
Cheers Vineeto
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Yes thanks Vineeto, You are right that I am the feeler. No one is doing it to me. I am doing it to my self which is compounded by the lingering memories.
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In looking at what I am actually missing it is love. The feeling of loving and being loved. Caring for someone and having someone care for me.
This is silly because love is a feeling and nothing more.
I am missing a feeling which is not actual in the first place.
Now I am feeling sorrow which is another feeling and also not actual.
I have replaced love with sorrow of which neither one is actual.
How silly.
I have decided to enjoy what I do actually have which is being home alone.
It is embarrassing to post this.
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With the help of a lot of medicinal drugs I am making it. I think the best thing for me to do at this point is to appreciate that I am still able to function and to enjoy what I am still able to do.
I need to learn to enjoy the small things I am able to do such as basic living and let the chronic pain be a part of it w/o resistance.
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I have decided to live and enjoy with my back the way it is instead of thinking I would be ok if it wasn’t for my back.
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