James' Journal

Been dealing with some pain in my back and leg this week for which I am taking Tylenol pain killer. This has caused upset stomach which has brought on depression. I feel defeated.

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Hi @jamesjjoo, are you interested in responses in your journal?

@henryyyyyyyyyy Yes Henry, I’m always interested in responses. Your responses have been especially helpful to me.

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Richard was ‘at pains’ to remind me that it’s extremely useful to get back to feeling good before doing investigation, it may be that in the moment of feeling defeated it was difficult to imagine feeling anything otherwise. I highly recommend doing anything possible to get back to feeling good before proceeding.

The temptation when feeling good is then to ‘move on with life’ without ‘bringing oneself down’ by thinking about whatever downer mood for any longer, but it is necessary to go back and ask some questions for anything to change. The heart of any and all questions is, ‘is ‘x’ worth feeling bad about?’

I’m interested to hear of your ongoing experience through your journal!

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@henryyyyyyyyyy Thanks Henry, after posting that about feeling defeated I realized the pain pills I was taking was causing nausea and depression so I looked and found some other pain pills that are working better and I feel much better now. This will help me get back to feeling good.
I also like reading your journal. They strike me as being honest. Maybe the journals are a good place to get to the heart of the matter.

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Like @henryyyyyyyyyy, I wasn’t sure if you wanted feedback.

The various chronic pains I have to deal with now and the abuse and dependence on painkillers that created various problems in my digestive system, continue to be an opportunity to try to feel good unconditionally.

When I don’t succeed, I always discover a desire (sometimes more overt; often more subtle, in the background) to not have the pain, to not have made certain decisions in the past, etc. In short, I find myself resisting to live THAT moment of being alive, wishing to live a different one; moving imaginarily to the future or to the past to change the facts (instead of change “me”).

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When @geoffrey says right now I take him to mean what he says. It’s not after I do this or do that, it’s right now.

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My doctor gave me a shot of cortisone yesterday which really helped a lot with my pain. I was back to feeling good today. It feels good just to feel good.

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From here, you can think in advance how you want to approach/experience the next time the pain comes!

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The flesh and blood body is my perfect lover.

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I think i understand @jamesjjoo :slightly_smiling_face:

Craig once pointed out to me that the feeler doesn’t actually diminish until it is extinguished and I didn’t actually see it that way. However, yesterday I saw that
what he said could be true. I broke out in feelings and tears while watching music videos on you tube.

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@jamesjjoo this has been my experience exactly, especially very apparent lately. It seems I have got rid of a lot of the stories I told myself about why I am sorrowful and malicious and now it is becoming apparent that I am that sorrow and malice. Just like Richard says I am rotten to the very core, I think seeing this is very good because then the actual answer can become apparent in a way that hits to my very core, I must disappear completely.

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@Kub933 Very well said Cub. I totally get what you are saying. All the way is the only way. There can be no holding back.
This does go to my very core as you said.

I have broken out crying many times over the last while.

I see it as a very good thing. Not only is it therapeutic, but it’s spontaneous and honest.

How can i leave the “veil of tears” if i am busy suppressing it to start with?

A good solid cry has been one of the best things i have learnt to allow myself to do.

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@Andrew It does feel good to cry. However, therein lies the problem as I see it. It is the feeler that is crying. My point was that after all this time my feeler can still cry over a music video which showed me that it has to be extinguished entirely or it can still be strong.

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@jamesjjoo

I would agree that getting stuck in crying for it’s own sake, won’t help.

My point is there’s a spontaneous and direct honesty in bursting out crying.

After it has finished, I want to do it again. That’s when I notice the addictive quality of it. Despite it being the experience of sadness in it’s raw form, it has an honesty to it.

Things make some sense when seen through eyes full of tears. Not because they are fair, or that we would objectively and sensibly want life to make sense in that state ; but it does.

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@Andrew I’m not seeing it that way. We are rotten to the core and the feeler (‘me’) is what’s at the core. As long as it exists it will continue to create havoc. If it is causing you (humanity) to cry then it can also cause you to kill, rape and murder.

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Today is my birthday and a very happy one. I am probably the oldest one here and I feel very young.

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Happy Birthday @jamesjjoo

:birthday::blush: