Continued in Kuba933’s Journal in March 2026.
I am struggling to make it physically but still making it. This forum is helping me to keep going otherwise I’m at the point that I would give up and realize I am at the end and it is useless to keep going.
I have an appointment this morn with a urologist a far distance from here in heavy traffic. I don’t have much hope that it will help me so the best that I can do is enjoy the trip. If it does help me to sleep better with less nighttime interruptions to urinate then that will be a bonus.
Right now I need to lower my expectations to what feeling good is. I feel tired all the time but I’m not suffering so that is a good thing.
The only thing I know to do is to keep going until I no longer can.
Hopelessness is gaining on me so I need to go ahead and do what I can to enjoy and appreciate what time I have left. I need to accept the feeling of tiredness and not fight it.
Hi James,
I also look at the affects of ageing and it hasn’t really changed what I always felt, that is “ I will die, and it all too late”.
I felt that when I was young. Youth helped me push through, and I did push through.
Although I am younger and in pretty good health, I feel it. Life is only for a short time, it is an accumulation of physical damage and the body has limited ability to repair and recover.
It’s actually the second “law” of thermodynamics; entropy increases.
Everything wears out eventually.
What I would add, as someone interested in actualism as you are is the universe itself doesn’t follow this “law”.
It is eternal, and it is infinite.
Although many would argue “how do you know?” It’s all really simple; there is no such thing as “nothing”, so there is always something! The universe!
Maybe I can suggest you make some time to look at the stars, at the trees, and the insects. The buzz of life!
It’s a fact we will both cease to exist soon enough, but “gosh darn it” if I don’t have some fun before I go!
Even if that fun is just feeling pretty good on the drive to the dentist. Or being ok with living in a 3m x3m room and having very little to show for a lifetime of work, ultimately, this moment is indeed the one we are living! So, I may feel flat, a may feel ok. Maybe I am annoyed.
It’s ok to be annoyed. To feel flat. To feel what you are feeling! Have a cry if you like.
You have done your best, and that best has kept you alive and able to have another moment!
Happy to chat on the video or phone if you want.
Cheers
Andrew
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Thanks Andrew, I noticed something changed subconsciously after my trip to the urologist yesterday. He really didn’t do anything except interview me and yet something changed. I only got up twice last night to urinate and slept for an hour longer this morn. I feel more rested and am feeling good again. This makes me think that a lot of our healing is subconscious.
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The fact as I perceive it is I am waiting to die. That is what I feel like right now. Sometimes I feel better.
I still have memories of a pce in which I am not my feelings.
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I’ve been moping around about my limited mobility and my weakness and pain and then I realized that I still have my senses which is all I need to enjoy and appreciate. What more do I need? 
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I enjoy and appreciate still making it on my own independently by being on my feet and functioning. This is not something to take lightly.
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I’ve got it wired up that I’m doing the best that I can do given my physical limitations. My heart is doing good with a pacemaker. My allergies are problematic but there are possible remedies. The one thing that is holding me back is my back. The surgeon says my only option is fusion which is not a good option considering the odds of the consequences. I’m thinking that all I can do is to learn to live with the chronic pain and hope it doesn’t get worse which would be crippling.
Perhaps if I was actually free it wouldn’t really matter if the pain was worse or if I was crippled.
The question is: Can I become actually free given my present circumstances?
As far as I know Richard did it so it is possible?
So what is holding me back?
What is holding me back right now is I have given up and settled for doing ok given my situation.
I can start with enjoying and appreciating as much as possible what I am doing and what I can do right now.
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It has helped me to remember what I think Vineeto said to me: The pain itself is not the problem. It is the resistance to the pain that causes the problem.
If there is no resistance to the pain then it is what it is. The resistance makes it worse.
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It is a struggle to get up and get breakfast and go to the store due to pain and weakness. The pain and weakness are a fact but it could be feelings that are causing it to be a struggle.
W/o the struggle there would only be the facts to deal with. The facts of the pain and weakness aren’t that bad. They are tolerable. It is struggling with the feelings that make me want to quit.
I am going to give up the feelings and just deal with the facts.
The pain doctor said it could only get worse and I have thought that it couldn’t get better. However, it has gradually gotten a little better which I haven’t recognized because it was small and gradual. I can stand a little better and walk a little better now than I did a while back. If it has gotten a little better so far that means that it can continue to get better. I need to keep progressing w/o the interference of feelings. Who knows what can be accomplished?
Everything is better. I’m back on the wide and wondrous path. Slept better, pain is better, walking better and feeling better. My investments hit a new all time high.
Af looks possible.
My recovery has now reached the stage to where I am back to enjoying and appreciating . For example, I am looking at a wonderful sunrise while having breakfast and am looking forward to a great seafood lunch.
Feeling good with no pain.
It’s good to be alive again.
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There is purity in pure intent. That is the word I was looking for in Kub’s post. Purity is what activates pure intent.
My memory of pure intent while in a pce is that there is a purity or pureness all around. That is my golden clue to pure intent.