I saw and experienced how the feeling comes first before the thought. Around this time of year there is a feeling of something missing in my life (family, friends, relationship, etc.) as I see all the others gearing up for celebrations and such. Even though this is all myth and belief it is real to them. Then the thought of her comes in which brings the feeling of love which is followed by sadness, etc. This passes quickly as I see it is all a mirage.
It is clear to me that the next step for me is to extinguish the feeler completely so that these feelings never arise in the first place to be followed by thoughts of the past.
I have made progress as it now seems like a distant illusion.
It is now clear to me that the āmeā itself must end itself.
This is something Iāve never seen as a fact before. I do see that the āmeā does have to do it. It has to end itself. Richard always said that but it never sunk in.
It seems that things are setting up for it. I have no family, no friends, not even much life left. Itās like there is nothing left to stop me.
However, there is something that can stop me. The āmeā has to do it and the āmeā can stop āmeā.
Right now, it seems that the āmeā is stopping āmeā.
Hi James,
Indeed, it seems that having nothing is more of a gift than we were ever expecting.
Everything in the normal world says that having nothing, especially being close to death is a horrible tragedy.
All the feelings we live our lives by point to these beliefs. If I donāt have a partner, wealth, looks, power, health, then I am a failure and should just give up and be gone, as I am a waste of space and time.
But you are not. Neither am I. To our very last breath we are a miracle of this universe. A conscious being! A self reflecting entity!
One of the dimensions of the āwide and wonderous pathā I didnāt comprehend was time. I keep being alive! I was always so terrified of dying. Always so defeated in every moment I didnāt āget itā. But here we are! Still alive. Another minute, another hour.
Just tonight I started to think this. About this dimension of āwide and wonderousā. I keep showing up! Alive! Another moment! Another thought!
Even if I never experience actual freedom, I have to say, itās a heck of an adventure to have even tried at all!
Cheers
Andrew
Well said Andrew. The way you have said this is very eye opening for me and I totally agree with it. We are indeed lucky to be alive even if we are not yet actually free.
I have been gradually improving both mentally and physically. I have been feeling good and enjoying and appreciating. As my time draws nearer by I donāt know how much I realize that now is a gift for me to use this extra time to become af. Otherwise I am not ready to die. I need to focus on what needs to be done in order to reach my destination. Even the proverbial five minutes will make it worthwhile and anything can happen after that. I may have a lot left after because it wonāt matter anyway.
I need to focus on right now which is excellent and very peaceful.
I have been doing generally good and I have now realized how great it is to be doing good in the face of my ongoing health issues. I am still managing to enjoy and appreciate with limitations on what I can physically do.
Itās the feeler that has to go. The feeler brings the thoughts of her this time of year. It brings up love with the associated memories. I donāt need all of that. I was having a wonderful evening earlier just laying here listening to some music.
Best to nip it in the bud right now. It is clear that the feeler must go. The feeler is here now. I need to see the importance of losing it permanently then I can keep enjoying and appreciating w/o the interruption. So far this is just talk. The feeler is still here. I have to want it more than anything.
Hi James,
About 2 months ago, you wrote:
I was in love for ~2 weeks, and that alone sent me down the road of near-constant panic (underneath which was stark despair). I cannot imagine how strong an attachment a 50-years time span would create. Incidentally, if my memory serves right, Alan put actualism on hold for several years due to his love for his then partner.
3 days later you wrote:
Yes, but this mental realization is of no use to you whatsoever because a day later you wrote:
Iāve highlighted the key part. The fact that you ānever really stayed with the feeling long enufā is what I think is missing for you to begin to become free of it. Iād also add that it is not just feelings (in the heart) but also feeling-fed thoughts (in the head). Perhaps you may care to check out my log where I describe going past the thoughts in the head (absolutely ceasing to āmoveā mentally), then past the feelings in the heart (absolutely ceasing to āmoveā affectively) until coming across the deeper passions in the belly, where one can āstay withā them for however long it takes with fascinated attention, not budging one iota.
In the first quote above, you wrote āI need to see the futility of [love]ā. I donāt know about you or others, but personally an intentional (effortful) seeing the silliness of love hasnāt worked for me at all. Staying with the passions did. As well as remembering my PCEs, which is exactly what Richard recommended to Tarin[1]:
TARIN: I wonder if seeing that love is just a 2nd rate knock off will help if it happens again (if I get to a place of wanting it really bad again).
RICHARD: Remembering the pure consciousness experience (PCE) is far more effective ā¦ the glorious feeling of oneness, of rapturous union, being an ecstatic feeling/ a euphoric state of being does not readily lend itself to being categorised as second-rate.[1:1]
The āglorious feeling of oneness, of rapturous union, ā¦ an ecstatic feeling/ a euphoric state of beingā is blind natureās powerful force to keep the species alive. We canāt think our way out of it.
From Richardās correspondence with Tarin:
ā©ļø ā©ļøTARIN: The past week has hardly been light-hearted. I havenāt been happy and harmless. A female friend came to visit and the emotions that came out really threw me. I wanted to get emotionally entangled with her and it was making me miserable. To the point where I wasnāt asking myself HAIETMOBA very often, and even when I was I could barely figure out when the last time I was feeling good was. Sheās gone now, and things have stabilised somewhat.
(ā¦)
Iām wondering if thereās any way to want and get love without feeling bad at not having it. The fact is, I want it and I canāt see why I shouldnāt have it. So to just say āits silly to feel bad, return to the sensesā is a repression of the desire for love rather than genuinely nipping it in the bud. My attempt to nip it in the bud just leads to me wondering how I can go about trying to get love without having to feel bad either in the attempt, or in the case of a failure to get it. I cant ignore this question.
What can I do here?
RICHARD: You can always re-read your report, written a scant two months ago, of a pure consciousness experience (PCE):
Just in case you cannot access that page here is the relevant text:
ā¢ [Tarin]: āā¦ where before I was feeling happy and light-hearted, I no longer felt that ā I didnāt feel whatsoever! āEmpty-heartedā might be the best way to put it. There was no separation between a āmeā that could feel and anything else, and in this was such a purity, for lack of better wordā. [emphasis added]. (Monday, 30/01/2006 6:17 AM AEDST).
The affective intimacy of love ā the delusion that separation has ended via a glorious feeling of oneness ā is but a pathetic imitation of an actual intimacy (where there is no separation in the first place).
The expression ālove is a bridgeā is quite apt.
TARIN: So the desire for love is a desire for the imitation of that too. Ok, I think I got it.
RICHARD: Essentially, a desire for oneness is the desire to remain existent (albeit rapturously so) forever ā¦ in a word: immortality.
TARIN: At the time all this was happening, Richard, I felt very weak and helpless. Like having that love was the most important thing in the world, and despite seeing how wanting it was just making me feel awkward and unhappy and isolated, I just couldnāt stop wanting to have it again and again.
RICHARD: Put succinctly: love is very, very appealing ā¦ and addictive.
TARIN: Not trying to get it felt like being a cop-out because I think Iām not worthy of it or Iāll never be able to have it successfully from a desirable candidate (in the āreal worldā sense), rather than because it is really a more sensible idea to not try for it.
RICHARD: Feelings of unworthiness, of not being good enough, are symptomatic of loveās imminence ā¦ love is redeeming (it makes the lover worthy, lovable, desirable, enchanting, and so on).
TARIN: I wonder if seeing that love is just a 2nd rate knock off will help if it happens again (if I get to a place of wanting it really bad again).
RICHARD: Remembering the pure consciousness experience (PCE) is far more effective ā¦ the glorious feeling of oneness, of rapturous union, being an ecstatic feeling/ a euphoric state of being does not readily lend itself to being categorised as second-rate.
TARIN: When I was in the depths of wanting love, it was so urgent and overwhelming. The possibility of a PCE or even a sense of well-being seemed far away.
RICHARD: The expression ālove is blindā is quite apt.
JJ: I understood Vineeto to say that staying with the feeling is the spiritual way of doing it which is why I abandoned that approach.
In the end I used the af method which has worked so far.
The key for me is to: LIVE AS THE SENSES!. Richard said this from the beginning. I have repeated it once more so as not to forget again.
Then there really is no need for anything else other than the basic necessities of living.
I have been experiencing that it doesnāt really matter what I am doing. Whether I am stuck in traffic or laying here on the bed.
I am disappointed because the identity that I perceive has taken control of this group has left me out of the inner workings of the group again although I am not sure of this and also it is a good thing because I donāt want to be a part of the inner group and have a better chance of becoming af by not being part of the insiders.
ps: I have always been an outsider. I am an outcast from my high school breakfast group because I donāt believe in god. Not sure why I am an outcast from this group.
This is rooted in belonging which is rooted in fear.
I am afraid of being alone.
It is getting thin on the ground
I donāt belong to much anymore.
There is being physically alone and there is being psychologically alone. It seems I still have psychological aloneness issues although l didnāt think so.
Hi James,
I didnāt see your post for some reason.
Aloneness is a topic I am considering a lot lately as I am likely to move to another state in Australia, and though I am confident in my ability to deal with challenges, I am aware that I would be āwalking awayā from all my friendships and family.
I remember being absolutely heartbroken, laying on the couch, barely able to breathe and Richardās words rescued me (paraphrasing) āloneliness is not because of lack of human company, but being cut off from the actual world ā
I take it that you were perhaps stoned when you wrote your post?, as it seemed very different from your normal tone.
Either way, loneliness is best regarded as warning, a āsomething is wrongā signal, to wit; holding on to loneliness is another excuse for continuing to think and feel as I have always thought and felt. Rather than acting in accordance with the facts.
Cheers
Andrew
Good to hear from you Andrew. I am glad that you seem to be doing good.
I was experiencing old age and the slippage of my health when I wrote that post. However, the post hit the mark for me and I am back to feeling good and enjoying and appreciating. I have learned to enjoy the little things.
It also rung a bell when you paraphrased Richard that āloneliness is because of being cut off from the actual world.ā
I remembered the actual world and that is really where itās at. There is no loneliness or sadness in the actual world.
Thanks for remembering me Andrew. I remember that we go way back to all the old af lists.
I have been learning to live within my means physically, mentally and financially. By doing so everything is perfect the way it is.
For example, I have learned to walk like a penguin. This reduces the risk of falling by keeping my balance and also reduces the pain and makes it tolerable.
Also, I have learned to enjoy the little things w\o trying to have more or do more.
Financially, I have all I need so there is no need to worry.
There is nothing left to do but enjoy and appreciate what I am doing and what I have.
Whatās more I am feeling good.
This is truly my golden years.
Hi mate,
I am in full admiration of your perseverance.
I remember a night, around a year ago, when I also could only āwalk like a penguin ā
I had 3 broken ribs, and a broken pelvis. I had come off a quad bike. It took 30 mins, twice, to get up off the ground, before finally accepting that I had to go to hospital, or I may never get up again. That was around 8 hours after I had already been driven 2 hours from the county side, driven myself home, and gone to bed feeling I could āsleep it offā. I realised, before the second time trying to get up from my bed (which was on the ground), if I didnāt get up now, I would probably die where I was, as the pain was causing me to black out, and no one had a key to my apartment, and no one would miss me for weeks.
After I finally, though at least 30 minutes of pain, got to my feet, and couldnāt move further than an inch at a time.
I was a penguin!
I have been in some pretty nasty accidents in my time.
Rolled my car on the freeway, busted my back in life long ways at 17 years old. I found out (after the broken ribs etc) that my back is āpartially fusedā. Oh well! Such is life!
I have fallen from rooftops, twice, and from scaffolding to concrete, once.
I have walked 3 kilometres with a broken collarbone to my house, and another 3 kilometres to my sonās house, so he can drive me to hospital.
I found out, in the last two years, that apparently left hand people are prone to risk taking and accidents.
That would have been handy to know.
To your point. Your pain is my pain. I am not where you are, but I am feeling the advent of age.
I have had a broken finger for the last 3 weeks. That was Basketball with guys half my age. I broke my ribs last year (again) playing with them.
I am bragging posting all of this. Is an obvious way. What I am also wanting to convey is that you have always been a cool guy, who was around the Actualism āspaceā and never GAVE UP.
So much of what makes us āspecial ā is simply not giving up.
I am glad you had NOT given up, my penguin brother!
edit; lots of mistakes, iPads are very unreliable for typing errors.