I don’t want it like a drowning man wants air. I never have. My objections are I don’t know how and I can’t.
It is my belief that I can’t.
James: I don’t want it like a drowning man wants air. I never have. My objections are I don’t know how and I can’t. It is my belief that I can’t.
Hi James,
Let me represent what Richard has answered to a similar question of yours 25 years ago –
James: My question is: Can I permanently disappear the ‘I’ and the ‘me’?
RICHARD: Speaking personally, I did not ‘permanently disappear the ‘I’ and the ‘me’’ … it was the identity that did all the work. Who you think and feel and instinctively ‘know’ yourself to be has a job to do: When ‘I’ willingly self-immolate – psychologically and psychically – then ‘I’ am making the most noble sacrifice that ‘I’ can make for oneself and all humankind … for ‘I’ am what ‘I’ hold most dear. It is ‘my’ moment of glory. It is ‘my’ crowning achievement … it makes ‘my’ petty life all worth while. It is not an event to be missed … to physically die without having experienced what it is like to become dead is such a waste of a life.
There is an intrinsic trait common to all sentient beings: self-sacrifice. [Richard, List B, James, 24 Sep. 1999]
I saw a few weeks ago that you have already made cremation arrangements [link] – therefore, what have you got to lose?
Nothing to lose but a belief … and so much to gain!
Cheers Vineeto
I did get a glimpse about a month ago of the five minutes that Richard spoke of that is worth more than a lifetime of the human condition. I am going to shoot for that by remembering it.
I need to focus on the self-sacrifice aspect of it.
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The thing for me to do is to leave humanity myself instead of worrying about no one else seems to be doing it.
Leaving humanity is not about looking good or saying the right thing.
I’m at the part where I can relate to nothing and nobody. Not even actualism. The only thing that seems imminent is physical death.
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There is a dominant feeling of love keeping my feeler alive right now. I need to end this once and for all with my ex- wife or I will never be free. I need to end it in such a way that it is final. If it hurts her to do it this way then I can’t help it. It is going to be hard to do but my freedom is more important than a lingering feeling of love.
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I still haven’t done it. This is the last semblance of family and love I have left and the feeler doesn’t want to let that go. Still looking.
This could be the guardian controlling the feeler. I don’t know.
I don’t have time to put on a show. I am losing the memory of her and also my flesh and blood body. I saw my pain doctor today and he told me like it is. I have degeneration and arthritis in my back for which there is no cure. I don’t have time to keep putting off my freedom. The time is now or never. I have to start with letting her go and then letting my feeler go.
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Don’t forget to enjoy and appreciate as much as humanly possible while doing it.
I mean while doing this!
Here is the ending it text that I sent her by phone. I’m glad that I didn’t have to lie:
"I need to let you know that I have degeneration and arthritis in my back for which there is no cure. I am going to need long term care and there won’t be anything left for you. Please don’t call or write. It’s best for both of us to move on with our life. I have made arrangements for my maid to have me cremated. Take care of yourself. "
I don’t know yet if I have let my feeler go. It doesn’t seem like it. Before going to sleep I said that I expect to let my feeler go. I may need to ask @Vineeto to help me with this if she is willing.
Hi James,
You can’t “let [your] feeler go” – you are the ‘feeler’. You are not something separate from this feeler that you are talking about.
My message to you is essentially the same as the one I wrote to @scout , I recommend reading my response there: Scout’s journal - #34 by claudiu .
Best,
Claudiu
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@jesus.carlos I wouldn’t say that I am having fun yet. There were some tears when I sent the text which have ended now. I am enjoying and appreciating. I enjoyed breakfast and my back actually felt better this morn.
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@claudiu Yes thanks, I understand that I am my feeler. This may help me to actually decide that I am no more.
In reviewing this thread I see that it is the identity itself (‘I’) that makes the self - sacrifice for oneself and all humankind :
RICHARD: Speaking personally, I did not ‘permanently disappear the ‘I’ and the ‘me’’ … it was the identity that did all the work. Who you think and feel and instinctively ‘know’ yourself to be has a job to do: When ‘I’ willingly self-immolate – psychologically and psychically – then ‘I’ am making the most noble sacrifice that ‘I’ can make for oneself and all humankind … for ‘I’ am what ‘I’ hold most dear. It is ‘my’ moment of glory. It is ‘my’ crowning achievement … it makes ‘my’ petty life all worth while. It is not an event to be missed … to physically die without having experienced what it is like to become dead is such a waste of a life.
There is an intrinsic trait common to all sentient beings: self-sacrifice. [Richard, List B, James, 24 Sep. 1999 ]
James: So ‘I’ am not only doing this for myself but for this body, that body and everybody.
This is most definitely worth dying for.
Is it the guardian that is stopping me?
Dear ‘I’ , I ended it with my ex and I am ending it with you because it is the right thing to do.