James' Journal

The actual world is when I am a flesh and blood body.

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I think I see what Richard means when he says that he only meets flesh and blood bodies. If there is no thought/feeling connection to them then a flesh and blood body is what they are.

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Been getting back to feeling good and enjoying and appreciating. Still think there is something to do sometimes. There is still a need to talk although less.

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My need to talk or do something is when I am not being my body. When I am my body there is no need/want for other things.

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There is no hope. The real world news on global warming, the economy, war and my health issues are all hopeless. The only thing left to do is enjoy and appreciate. I don’t need hope for that.

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‘I’ am not being treated right seems to be at the core of ‘my’ problem. The doctor gives ‘me’ a drug test after 30 years with no notice or explanation about a new law and says that if I test positive again for thc then I can’t get a prescription for a drug to keep me alive. He doesn’t explain that there will be further tests at random. I think this is why ‘I’ still hate Vineeto : She didn’t treat ‘me’ right. Of course if there was no ‘I’ or ‘me’ then it wouldn’t matter how I am treated.

Hi James,

It’s definitely the core of everyone’s problem.

Childhood psychology is where it all starts. Even to the most dysfunctional mother we are for a time at least, the centre of her world.

It’s extremely difficult to later discover that we are not the centre of the world for the women we encounter.

I had a reaction to Vinetto which was definitely related to this.

Biology is a huge factor in the self we form. In the identity we become.

Yes, when I wrote that I realized that my father never treated me right. I really hated him. I saw something on you tube that it comes from our gut microbiome when we are two years old.

Two years old is a very important age. Around that time, according to psychology, we form a self awareness. The beginning of who we know ourselves to be.

Everything after that would seem to be a search to recreate that self as we remember it.

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I am looking at my state enforced non use of thc as a chance to become actually free because my use of it could have hindered me from becoming af. It has started out well because I am back to feeling good this morn. I need to watch out for alcohol because the thc did keep me from using liquor and possibly saved my life. It is not going to help me to blame the doctor for not informing me of the new law and testing me with no warning or explanation.

I’m angry because I can’t get the prescription drug I need to survive if I smoke pot. This may tie in to my old problem with authority. It’s my father’s fault. lol

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The Christmas spirit is closing in on me. My neighbor shined Christmas lights on my house w/o asking and gave me some beans and cornbread and said merry Christmas. lol

can you lie and say you don’t smoke pot?

No, lying won’t work because they give me random drug tests.

that’s so ridiculous

Yes, it is ridiculous and I can’t do anything about it.

I suppose if I was actually free it wouldn’t really matter but it would still be ridiculous.

I’m not enjoying and appreciating. I’ve got pain and lack of sleep. Trying to stave off depression. I feel betrayed by my own healthcare system.

I’m getting a sense of being af in the face of perceived mistreatment by the powers that be by not being dependant on a substance or a way of being treated. By enjoying and appreciating no matter what they throw at me. I’m getting back to feeling good.

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This could actually be an opportunity to be af.