Hi John - for what it is worth, until fairly recently I was in the exact same predicament, which had dogged me for years. A significant chunk of my sense of well-being and emotional security was tied into the status of the relationship’s integrity, which was itself tied into the status of my spouse’s emotional temperament and her fluctuating perceptions of me and the relationship.
Like you, when there was closeness, there was contentment. A certain aspect of my spirit felt settled; a feeling of, “At least that part’s sorted! Now about these bills …”. When we were close, there was the sense that we would remain close and would be on good terms from here out; that we could just communicate-away all the little peeves and slip-ups that might arise between us, and all would then be well. Which was of course, pure horse manure. “Communication” almost always made things so much worse.
I remember an awful aching pain would develop in my lower back as the arguments and seething bitterness that marked the separation, hostility, and depression crescendoed towards the inevitable collapse of our bond. Trying to mend the matter just made things worse. An overwhelming darkness would take over and it could be days or weeks before either of us was again ready to rekindle things.
That closeness would usually be reestablished through sexual intercourse upon which the sense of security would again settle in, until things invariably went sour again. And on the cycle went, with moods and well-being (and sanity) going up and down accordingly.
Adding children into this mix was utter recklessness, in retrospect.
In the last year or so, I have come to anticipate the ebb and flow of the relationship. I consciously made the effort to get back to my baseline temperament whenever it dipped on account of the relationship going sour. Her hating my guts now has little effect on my well-being; which means now I don’t try very hard to fix things; which means I don’t end up making things worse than they already are; which means the damages are mitigated and the healing process, as far as the relationship is concerned, is accelerated; which means that whenever she is ready to stop being a seething sour-pus about it, that I’ll already be there in calm spirits to carry on the business of our association. Which now means that when things are ‘good’ I’m feeling okay, and that when things are ‘bad’, I’m feeling okay.
Just a testament and reassurance that it is possible to feel at least okay even when things are ‘bad’.
(As an example, she is currently pissed at me over some inanity after a nice stretch where, for whatever reason, she was enamored with me, and I’m remarkably unphased right now, whereas five years ago there would have been a pit in my stomach. So there’s definitely a way through this, John).