I have previously had success with squashing beliefs with investigation but I’m really struggling to apply it right now due to some intense emotions.
I’ve been re-jigging my life this past year to reduce the amount I’m working, which I thought would allow me to better practice actualism. My working life is much easier, I have more time on my hands and I experience much less stress from work (which was my main cause of stress).
However, it seems to have opened a gap where my main negative ‘theme’ of my life has rushed back in. For the past month, I’ve been battling with it constantly, it’s really destroying my happiness.
I feel a little hesitant to share on a public forum, even if pseudonymous, but here goes:
- I was cheated on in my teenage years by my first love
- This has coloured a lot of my experience subsequently in relationships - jealousy, distrust, worry it might happen again
- Even with my wife, I still obsess about suspicious events in the past, worry when she goes on nights out with her friends etc.
It’s really came to the fore recently and I realise I have a lot of unresolved stuff that hasn’t been dealt with. It’s like a ball of molten lava inside my chest and trying to investigate it is like throwing a bucket of water on it, which just evaporates and the fire keeps burning. Seeing it as silly is just not working.
A big part of the problem is that I believed in monogamy - if you’re in a relationship with someone then you shouldn’t cheat. I’m also seeing some self esteem issues related to it.
It feels like a multi-headed hydra, which I’m battling with and I’m struggling to get past this massive part of my identity. But if I can resolve much of these issues then I’ll be able to start being happy more consistently.
Any tips on investigating this issue?