Hi Adam,
Your “quandary” does not make sense to me in light of what you said above, that being “sincerely well-intentioned” “does seem to work when I actually do it”. It more looks like a worry which does have no leg to stand on. Is there perhaps still a smidgen of some pacifistic moral or principle prescribing you should not defend yourself when you are naïve?
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Vineeto: Yes, confidence comes with practical experience. Waiting for the “final insight” is exactly the opposite of naiveté – to work it all out in your mind beforehand is the very thing preventing it from happening.
Adam-H: This is very helpful, I can see that part of me has been waiting for that final insight for a long time. The other part of me cares enough to just risk it and go in without fully knowing what the outcome will be.
Excellent. As you previously said –
Adam: *It’s also clear to me how being my own best friend was missing.
It’s interesting that being your own best friend sort of has two meanings:
- don’t be hard on yourself for your mistakes
- actually want what’s best for yourself, meaning you won’t let yourself ruin your own day (8 Jan 2026)*
Which means when you “actually want what’s best for yourself”, you care “enough to just risk it”. Change can only happen when you allow it to occur.
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Vineeto: As for being “defenseless” against physical attacks – once you abandon any notion of having to practice pacifism you can respond as each situation requires, with adult sensibilities. However, if you are concerned about being “defenseless” in the face of taunts, ridicule, injuries to your pride, honour and status, or for sometimes feeling foolish, then Claudiu’s report from January 2025 might give you some clue and encouragement –
Claudiu: The other wondrous recent insight was in seeing how I am actually not ‘special’ in that I am essentially the same as any other feeling-being out there. In terms of what I am at my core. In other words I don’t have to maintain or hold onto or try to prop up any aspect of myself that would set me apart or above anyone else – because I am the same at core! This is something I can’t change – I can only self-immolate to remedy this situation.
This was seen as an immense relief of a huge burden that I no longer have to maintain myself in all these various small ways. In other words I am free to do anything, and anyone is free to say or think or do whatever in response, and none of it matters in terms of me having to prop myself up or defend myself or do anything. Cause I already know I’m not special, there is nothing I can actually defend to change this fact! (link)
Adam-H: Thanks, this is indeed an interesting point! It helps to remember that the self I’m defending is essentially the same as any other ‘self’.
Indeed – it also means the very same emotions and passions which motivate the other to behave in a way that you feel threatened (defenseless) are the same emotions and passions which you are defending. So when you feel defenseless, first get back to feeling good. Then there may well be nothing to defend and nothing to hide. As such every situation where you feel threatened (emotionally/ psychically) is an opportunity to explore ‘me’, or which aspect of ‘you’ you are defending/ hiding.
It’s a sometimes challenging but altogether fascinating and fun process.
Adam-H: Anyways, I think the way forward seems pretty clear! Continue to cultivate sincerity and naiveté, and the confidence that I can function, defend myself, and do everything I need to do will keep growing. It seems like if I my aim is sufficiently pure then it doesn’t really conflict with anything of genuine value. (link)
When you feel like a benevolent big kid having fun you are on the right track –
Richard to Syd: … this naïve boy from the farm writing all these millions of words, this big kid with adult sensibilities tapping with two fingers at this keyboard, is perpetually aged circa 14 years (à la the ‘Peter Pan’ chronicles for example) until physical death. (Richard, List D, Syd, 31 Dec 2009)
Respondent: It’s as if you are reading my mind … I was going to type something very similar, you beat me to it!
Richard: G’day No. 7, Aha … somebody finally understands!
You know, I have been telling this to people for years but to no avail … for a recent instance:
• [Richard]: ‘ ( … ) around the time of puberty onwards, adolescents become increasingly serious and childhood fun gives way to societally-inculcated obligations and responsibility.
As these are embedded into an instinctually affective programme (I have seen many a frisky lamb turn into a sedate sheep, and frolicsome calves into sombre cattle, as maturity takes its toll) they turn into having the appearance of being innate … when they are not.
Life here in this actual world – the world of sensuous delight – is akin to being a child again but with the undeniable advantage of adult sensibilities; when the occasion calls for it I can adopt a suitably solemn expression, nod sagely as appropriate, and get away with being just a big kid having a ball in the otherwise grim and glum land of the grown-ups; indeed, I can even tell them how much fun I am having – that I am just a big kid – and yet they are so serious they assume me to be making some kind of obscure or idiosyncratic joke’. (Richard, List D, No. 6, 14 Dec 2009)
(Richard, List D, No. 7, 5 Jan 2010)
Cheers Vineeto