(Continued…)
A big part of the appreciation is sensuous enjoyment.
I revoke anything I’ve ever said that would suggest sensuousness can be accessed in the absence of enjoyment/feeling good.
I don’t think it can be, and I think it’s highly dissociative and borderline dangerous to be practising mindfulness.
One key factor in feeling good is that I’ve been ridding myself of my sexual identity (not to be confused with giving up sex). I think I’ve been in heavy denial about the degree to which my sexual instincts have been prioritised over feeling good in these years.
I’ve started getting rid of parts of my identity that, prior to now, I simply saw as impossible to get rid of. Stress, desire, lust, loneliness, anxiety…. My attempts to stop those triggers felt totally Sisyphean, and as such I constantly reinforced the notion that ridding myself of them was nigh on impossible; much like the drug addict or porn addict who constantly relapses and feels helpless in the face of their demons.
Retrospectively, it looks quite clear to me that my capacity to feel good before was scuppered by the parts of me that I was dominated by - these feelings/beliefs were deeply embedded within my identity. As such, I simply WOULD NOT get back to feeling good in the face of such triggers and the intricate network of noxious beliefs they were tied to.
I was a true hedonist and escapist, and I couldn’t access any sensual enjoyment. I was very numb actually.
Well, all it took was to learn that even when I feel very bad and it all looks very complex, that I can indeed get back to feeling good. The feelings and feeling states that were blocking me were very scary ones, and I kept myself panicked rather than naively and sensibly navigating them. I was deeply fearful I was drowning, failing, becoming ill, losing the plot etc.
Even now I can fall back into that territory, but I no longer doubt my ability to feel good so it’s so much easier to rectify. Once there, and feeling good has stabilised, it’s oh so easy and sensible to maintain.
It has its own momentum, and doesn’t need to be vigilantly guarded. It’s very much supported in fact, because when feeling good, this world shows itself to be utterly cosy and benevolent.
Right now I’m at my brother’s house for the evening. My brother and his wife are getting the kids ready for bed. I’ve been enjoying feeling good for hours. I’ve been playful and gentle with the children, but not too excitable either as it’s time for bed. I’m attuned to my brother and his wife, with a sense of fitting in quite perfectly to the scene - neither too much or too little. Right now the kids are resisting going to sleep, and there is the usual screaming and crying protests from their beds. It doesn’t bother me at all…it’s just how children are.
The dim lights are entering my eyes so gently and warmly; there’s a village-like intimacy as we each make the transition into bed, ready for sleep. It’s all quite magical and serene.