Felix: I have been applying the method in the most basic way possible. Truly back to basics. It’s just about as feeling good as much as possible atm. (…)
Feeling good is happening more though and indeed feels “not of my doing”, it has a beneficiary quality to it and my thoughts and approach (and visual perception) totally changes when there. Sometimes it verges on magical or I can feel that the actual is there. It’s only from feeling good that it happens. It’s amazing how easy things become at that point. It feels very healthy and really good, like saying “bye bye problems” haha.
The burnout state on the other hand is like having my hand on a hot stove. It’s hard to think clearly in it. It promotes very short term and negative thinking and there is a generalised anxiety to it. From there, “everything is wrong” but there is no sense to it and no clear way to fix things. It feels as if there were only problems; infinite problems ; and that my life consists of a painstaking, desperate and totally failed attempt to overcome these obstacles. I can feel a literal “burn” like my whole nervous system is totally tense.
If I make it sound very binary it is quite like that atm.
I am either in one state or the other usually.
Another thing I’m realising has caused a lot of undue stress is the way I’m living life generally. I put myself in a situation where I fully committed to trying to become free, whilst not giving myself anything to “hold on to” in the real world - the things that ordinarily would help people feel good or not feel anxiety. For example; having a stable place to live, steady relationships, a normal steady job etc etc. I’ve got some bad habits since becoming an actualist of running from responsibilities, trying to avoid problems and stress, procrastinating etc which are silly and it creates more problems than it fixes. So I’m also looking at some of those practical things.
Hi Felix,
It is great to hear that “feeling good is happening more” even though it alternates with burn-out states.
Perhaps what you are realising at present, that “the way I’m living life generally” “has caused a lot of undue stress”, can now help you to reduce or at least diminish those burn-out times. It seems to be a long-standing habit, almost imprinted, so it will need determined and persistent observation to slowly change the way you are “living life generally” to a less stressful modus operandi.
Is perhaps the need to be the best in everything you do the reason for the stressful way to live life? If so, do you have a way to look at that need, to check if it is necessary to maintain it? After all, it is from where you acquire social acceptance, recognition (link) and praise.
But … is it worth the prize?
I leave it to you to mull it over, perhaps it helps.
Felix: Cutting out a lot of the actualist identity stuff has helped – it’s made me a beginner again but that’s also a blessing as real change is happening. (link)
That’s a great step towards a less stressful approach to actualism and you are already reaping the rewards. So much better than collecting imaginary ‘medals’ in a system that only turned out to be spanners in the works.
The additional benefit is that as “a beginner” you are curious and eager to discover new ways of enjoying being alive in a naïve way.
Cheers Vineeto