Last night I had an experience of starting to go into a peak experience directly from my ordinary state.
This is one of the few times this has ever happened.
I’ve found that even though lately I’m feeling good more often, I’ve had a lot of trouble with my nervous system. It’s like I’m always getting these little jolts of panic and such - and still having the urge to distract myself a lot.
But last night was different, I was feeling restless in bed and so I sat up and turned the lights on. I just sat there, still, refusing to move (psychologically speaking) and things started to change a lot. It’s like I went into that fear and it dissipated. I started to lose my feeling of personhood, and it became so much easier to be here. It was 2am so I had to go back to sleep but it was a revelation.
It showed me that there is no one here in this body. I am wondering if a lot of my day to day stress and fear is related to protecting myself from this fact. It’s like either I maintain this slight anxiety all the time, or I won’t be here. I think subconsciously I’ve been maintaining myself out of a fear reaction to the PCE.
There was an utter safety and relaxation that came about - showing me clearly just how unsafe I feel in the real world. Somehow the barrier between the two “worlds” just seems a lot less concrete - and going into abeyance looks a lot less impossible (which is the way I usually see it, as something that only happens under exceptional circumstances and with a lot of luck). The barrier to the actual world is only me - there is no “magic” barrier otherwise preventing me.
Based on this experience I can see there is a way to stop maintaining myself now, which has been hidden up until now.