Pelagash's Journal

Journals
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Hi guys! I’ve decided to start my own journal here and share some of the experiences I’ve been having these last few days. So last week I read a very interesting post on @Felix journal, especially this part

This made me realise that I had also been distracting myself and trying to push my negative feelings away, which is probably why I haven’t been experiencing much success with the method in the last few months. Every time I felt angry, anxious, or sad, I would try to feel good instantly, or force myself to ‘see the silliness of a particular emotion without much success, and it always felt like I was faking it. After reading this I immediately could notice the emotion I was feeling, and instead of seeing it from the outside, I could clearly experience myself as that current emotion. From that shift in my perception (going from seeing my emotion to being my current emotion) I could easily experience the intention to be happy and harmless, without forcing myself to feel good instantly. This lead me to perceive things around me differently, everything started to look more beautiful, and it was really easy to go back to feeling happy anytime I felt an unpleasant emotion.

Anyway, last Saturday, which was three or four days after I started allowing myself to be whatever emotion I’m feeling, I was watching a film called Memoria, which is a very contemplative indie film that is very slow, with a lot of takes where nothing really happens. Watching it I got into a contemplative state, which was really enjoyable. However, it’s a pretty long film, and while watching the ending sequence I started to feel bored, and a bit annoyed. As I noticed this swift from feeling good to feeling bored/annoyed, I started to see myself as that emotion, instead of repressing it. While being this emotion, the intention to feel happy and harmless arouse in me in a spontaneous way, and after seeing how silly it was to be feeling that way, I started to enjoy the moment again. As minutes passed by, my enjoyment increased naturally, and I started to notice a shift in my experience. Things around me started to look different, everything started to have a kind of glow, and I felt that sense of familiarity that I had felt in the past as I was entering a PCE. Suddenly, while delighting in my senses, I could see my own mind in a way, not see as in having a mental image, but it was more like I could sense a stream of mental activity operating. More fascinating arouse from this seeing, and after this, there was a definite shift in my perception, and I experienced a PCE.

Everything around me was incredible, just so perfect. I couldn’t stop smiling and enjoying how beautiful it all looked. I went to the balcony and looked at the big blue sky, the birds flying by, the people on the street walking, and even the way the light shone against the buildings was captivating…All I could do was appreciate all that wonderful display. I remember that everything felt more spacious like I could suddenly notice how vast the world is. It all felt like being in a magical place, and I could notice how happiness, harmlessness and generosity of character simply emanated from me in a really effortless way. This was great because I could experience firsthand that the more happiness and appreciation you feel, the more generous and kind you are to others in a spontaneous way. While having this experience, I found myself doing things for my boyfriend like going to buy some stuff he needed, as it caused me a lot of joy to help him out (plus, going to the store while feeling like this was such a fun experience lol, I was walking and smiling and giggling). The PCE lasted a few minutes, and it then turned into an EE, which lasted probably half an hour or so.

After that amazing afternoon (it all happened around 4 or 5 pm) I had my first video meeting with @edzd @FrankN @Miguel and also with @Felix. It was really amazing to actually talk to you guys and hear all those interesting things about your own experiences, it definitely brought a lot of clarity, and I can’t wait to join one of the bigger chats one of these days. The day after the PCE, I found it much easier to feel pure intent, as I could remember some of the wonderful sensations that were experienced when I was out of the picture. I actually woke up dancing, and the whole weekend after the event was marked by a newfound playfulness that was just delightful. Today as I’m writing this, I certainly feel happier than usual, and although I have noticed certain emotions like anxiety because of work-related issues, it’s funny how easier it is to go back to feeling good if I allow myself to be the emotion itself, as once I do it’s much easier to feel pure intent in a genuine way, which minimizes the emotion or makes it go away completely.

Anyway, I’ll keep experimenting with this, and see where it takes me :slight_smile:

PS: I wrote this on Monday but its was a pretty busy week so I’ve just finished editing it today :rofl:

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Wonderful post and very informative ( new information for me ) and applicable and practical
experience that you ( Pelagash ) and Felix have shared. I hope “I” don’t forget to keep applying
this information. It seems like the fruit of the effort that we all are putting in for making progress in applying the method is being received.
Much appreciated !
:appreciation:

I can relate to what you say. Today I was not feeling well and I was searching
for an answer and a surprising ( I did not accept it at first ) a thought popped into my head :
" I don’t like myself, I don’t like how I feel and I don’t like how I push myself - without getting the result ( feeling good ) that I want ".

Then by accepting this feeling as ME, I started to relax and trust myself to be able to go back
to feeling good; and I can already sense the positive result.

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Thanks for your response @FrankN, it’s certainly amazing when resistance turns into feeling good, and you can see the actualism method in action!

I’ve had some interesting experiences these past few days. Allowing myself to experience my own feelings as ‘me’ often leads to minimizing the sense of self, which immediately heightens my senses and makes me feel happy. Yesterday, I was in one of these states and I felt like I was the sincerest I had ever been in my desire to self-immolate up to that point. It was like I became the “desire to end” itself, and everything around me was perceived as beautiful and pure. All I could think of was ‘I wish I could stay here forever’. Then, while I was having dinner with my boyfriend, I could see him very clearly, and for a moment it was as if I was seeing him for the first time, which was very strange and fascinating.

After this experience, I went to bed, and ended up having a very weird dream where I met Richard and Veneeto in Australia :joy::australia: and we were having fun together and laughing until we got into the car to go buy something and then there was this big earthquake, and people were running, there was pure chaos. Anyway, I woke up and thought that this sort of apocalyptic dream probably symbolizes my subconscious fear of ending, and although it was a pretty ridiculous dream, it made me happy cause I had never had a dream related to actualism before.

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Wow plagash, that seems counterintuitive, and that’s why it is not used unless you allow yourself to
do it, as you have described. Thanks for sharing this insight ! :slightly_smiling_face:

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Pelagash, if you don’t mind tell us how you came across actualism and what the process
been like for you .
Thanks

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Hey @FrankN, I came across actualism in 2018 I believe, I was actually googling something about Buddhism and ended up on a website called Dharma Overground and because I googled something about emotions, I ended up reading a post about a ‘group of people who say they can get rid of emotions’ lol and thanks to that post I found actualism.

For the first couple of years, I didn’t really apply the method constantly, I sort of went back and forth between reading stuff about actualism and other things that I used to be interested in at the time, like Dzogchen Buddhism and Non-duality. It wasn’t until this year that I fully devoted myself to understanding and applying the actualism method, and since then I’ve experienced some really wonderful PCE’s and EE’s that really helped me understand experientially that this is something that works. I would say that since March, I’ve been in a process of letting go of many of the beliefs I held dear, like the existence of ‘spiritual planes’ and ‘life after death’. Although I was never a believer of a particular religion, I was agnostic and would always say “well…Maybe this metaphysical stuff is true…” After a while of applying the method, though, I realized why I was agnostic. I was holding on to the hope that maybe I was immortal after all, maybe I did have a soul, maybe spiritual realms did exist. Seeing that I was holding these beliefs because there was actually an emotion operating in me (hope) that was born as a response to the fear of dying really helped me get rid of the need to believe, which was a big relief because up to that point there was always a struggle between my sceptic part and the part of me that wanted to believe. That is probably one of the most important things in my process I can think of. I still struggle to feel good every day, it’s certainly easier than before, at least now I don’t waste time blaming the outside world every time I have a bad mood, and know how to go back to feeling good, even if it takes me an hour or so. I’m currently exploring how I can access naivete and pure intent more easily, and trying to be more conscious of the parts of me that block these things from becoming apparent.

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Y en Argentina tenemos suficientes excusas para eso. ¡Así que doble mérito! :smile:

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Jajajaja totalmente Miguel!! :rofl: :rofl:

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Yesterday, while being on the balcony with my boyfriend drinking mate and trying to enjoy the day, I could clearly see how I was preventing intimacy and enjoyment due to some negative emotions that were operating in me. Instead of repressing or expressing these emotions, I started to see them as myself, and I became fascinated with them as if I was looking at a mirror. I could clearly see that at the very core of my being lies both self-rejection and the desire of being loved. These two things create a contradiction: I want to be loved, but I don’t like myself, so I don’t believe I’m lovable. I could see how this belief operates in me, especially when I’m with my boyfriend or with groups of friends. It’s like I have the desire for them to love them, but expect that they’ll reject me. This makes me slightly uneasy when I’m with people, it’s like I can’t fully relax, as I fear any action that will confirm my belief that I’m unlovable, and I start to focus on the way other people feel and become tense. When I saw myself as these set of emotions, I didn’t do anything to ‘fix’ myself, I simply saw myself as I was, and by doing that, there was a sort of freeing sensation in my chest and stomach, and suddenly there was an increased enjoyment of everything around me, and I could relax a lot more. After this, I spent approximately an hour and a half doing nothing but just enjoying the view from my balcony.

What this experience taught me was that it’s important to see myself as I am, and simply let what I am without expressing or repressing myself. This naturally leads to enjoyment without having to fake it, and it’s quite a fascinating process to see oneself in action, so I’ll keep experimenting with this and see where it takes me.

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Hey guys, I know I haven’t been posting much, but last week was pretty significant in my life, and I now have some reflections I’d like to share.

Last Tuesday I found out my boyfriend cheated on me, which, as you can imagine, was a pretty shocking experience, especially since I had what I considered a pretty stable relationship. I won’t really get into the details, but as painful as the whole experience was, I was quite surprised of the way I dealt with things, which got me thinking in the efficacy of the actualism method.

If someone had told me that I could go through the hardest breakup of my life without feeling hatred or self-esteem issues, I would have thought they were lying, but it happened. Although I definitely experienced waves of sorrow and other painful emotions, they were quite short, and what most surprised me was I was as harmless as I could while still being a self. In fact, all the people around me were quite surprised of my reaction as well, even my ex, and I ended up hearing a lot of them say things like “I’m quite proud of the way you’re dealing with things” or “If I was in your shoes, I would have panicked or entered rage mode”. What I now know is that the moment I found out he cheated, I connected with this very strong intent of being as happy and harmless as I could. I didn’t really know what I was going to do, but I said, whatever I decide, I’m going to be as happy and harmless as I can. And that really helped, it’s almost like that intent became a compass that allowed me to navigate this whole experience in a way I never knew I could. And this got me thinking of how sometimes I felt like the method wasn’t working 'cause I haven’t had a PCE in months, but seeing this sort of changes in me help me realize how valuable this method is, and how important it is to pay attention to the progress I make.

Another big realization this week was that love is not enough. Reading Richard, I intellectually knew why love was not the answer, but now I know it experientially. I know my ex loves me, I’m sure of that, yet that didn’t prevent him of doing something really destructive and painful. Love simply doesn’t deal with the human condition, in fact, it seems to invite some of the darkest sides of our instincts. It’s like this whole experience allowed me to see why love is not the answer to my problems, and instead, allowed me to see why applying the actualism method more diligently is the smartest thing to do.

I could also see how being benevolent is not a moral thing, but rather, an intelligent thing. By reacting in the most benevolent way I could, I ended up making the best decisions for myself, and I could deal with all sorts of situations like my ex moving out in a way that was smooth and peaceful. So anyway guys, the method works, and even if I’m not nearly as close to self immolation as I would like, I can definitely see the impact actualism has had in my life. I definitely look forward to meeting more of you guys and chat, and thank you for all of your amazing reports, they have really helped me in this last couple of months.

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Nice! Not the break-up of course but the effectiveness of the method in practice. I also remember about 2 years ago breaking up with my girlfriend at the time and finding something similar. The very intense waves of sorrow were definitely there, but it was in the way that I approached the whole thing where actualism really shined.

Love is not enough but in a way even being actually free is not enough! I am talking specifically about your partner never cheating on you, leaving you etc. Richard proved the impossible dream with Devika and still in the end she was kidnapped by love.

What I find is that one of the most precious discoveries of actualism is the ability to stand on my own two feet. To be self sufficient, not in a sense of farming my own food lol but rather emotionally requiring nobody in order to live a full life. Because as Richard says nothing with regards to the other person is guaranteed in life.

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@pelagash

I really appreciate you posting!

That is really inspiring.

I was literally out the back yard reflecting on how I felt more benevolent and benign after seeing through a piece of my identity.

I gave myself a virtual pat on the back as the realisation sunk in that I felt more of both towards myself.

I feel more like how the universe is towards me!

It is interesting how it can seem that we are going in the opposite direction when love is not the priority. Yet, progressively, I have found greater intimacy these days specifically because of those experiences of love informing (sometimes extremely unpleasantly) how ineffective it is as a basis of having a partner.

It’s also surprising how none of the events have turned out how I imagined, yet they have lead to more success in actualism because to whatever extent I could manage, the intent was always there to keep going.

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Thanks for your reply, guys! Both of your answers interconnect in a way, cause I feel like the thing @Kub933 said about the ability to stand on one’s own two feet being one of the most precious discoveries of actualism is key to allowing the actual intimacy @Andrew is talking about. All this time I’ve been trying to control what my ex was doing, because I was so afraid of losing our relationship. Now I know how futile my efforts were, and I can see how silly it is to try to hold on to love, which simply doesn’t deliver the goods. Actualism seems to offer something better than all the magic recipes the spiritual path offers…Instead of saying “all will be good, you’ll have everything you ever wanted” actualism goes “no matter what happens, you’re going to be alright. You don’t need to control people and events around you, just apply the method” :rofl:

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Yes! That is a very recent discovery for me too. It’s always been something I wondered about too.

Relationships would start, last for however long, I would try to talk about actualism thinking that would turn into something better! Yet, it would end. Then something different, someone different, another whole experience.

It was never deliberately done though. I wasn’t going through it all wanting anything to end. It was always with the best intentions I had at the time.

I often think these days thoughts like “if that hadn’t happened, then I wouldn’t have looked into this or that aspect of me, or experienced this or that reality.”

It’s sounds like you have skipped many years of “learning the hard way” though! That determination to be as happy and harmless as possible sure sounds like it is paying excellent dividends!

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