Vineeto to Claudiu: Is the “feeling driven” a close cousin to the “‘gung-ho yeah!!’ self” – a diversion from that funny feeling in the belly when anxiousness sets in? If so, I can recommend to stay with that ‘funny feeling’ as long as you dare, without fighting it or expressing it as being driven (both options give the anxiousness extra energy), and experiment a bit. This will reduce the intensity and ‘whoosh’, you are back to feeling good.
Kuba: Hi Vineeto,
Hehe this is a cool way of describing ‘my’ anxiety – “a funny feeling in the belly when anxiousness sets in”, doesn’t sound so serious when you put it this way
So yes this is essentially what happens for me too, in fact I could broadly break it down into 3 categories :
Hi Kuba,
It’s fun isn’t it? The only thing which spoils the fun is when you think something is wrong.
Kuba: 1 - “things are happening” – this is where there isn’t any of that kind of feeling, ‘I’ am ‘being’ supremely naive and it seems that ‘I’ am well on route to meeting ‘my’ destiny.
2 - “Funny feeling in the belly” – This is where there is still this dynamic aspect all around but also this anxiousness which is as if wanting to halt what is going on.
3 - “towards ‘normality’” – This is where ‘I’ have allowed the anxiousness to do its thing and now ‘I’ have reverted back to some kind of ‘normality’ in order to ease the pressure.
So no 3 I am spending very little time in these days, it is mostly either no 1 which when it is happening it seems nothing else is needed but to remain exactly in that place. And then no 2 which still by all means is better than no 3 and yet there is this kind of ‘friction’ that is halting things.
Sounds like you are exactly experiencing what Richard described in the quote I just posted to Claudiu. Here is a similar one from his Journal –
Richard: An actual freedom happens of itself only when one is fully ready, and not before. One has to become acclimatised to benignity, benevolence and blitheness, because the purity of the actual is so powerful that it would “blow the fuses” if one was to venture into this territory ill-prepared. To precipitously apprehend the vast stillness of infinitude would be too much, too fast, too soon … one could go mad with the super-abundance of pleasure that pours forth. The in-built tendency of the universe to achieve the optimum knows best as to when the time is right. (Richard’s Journal, p. 169).
So, when No. 2 or No. 3 happens you don’t repress and don’t express, i.e. don’t feed the feeling, acknowledge that you are the feeling and get back to No. 1. That’s the natural dynamic of the vortex of swirling feelings, until you are ready to let pure intent take over completely and the vortex that is ‘you’ will stop of its own accord by the sheer immanence of pure intent, whichever way you experience it (extraordinary non-affective sweetness/ vast tenderness/ an experience of closeness or sweet intimacy/ overarching benignity/ ubiquitous stillness/ encouraging one to take the decision to allow the last, final and irrevocable step to happen).
Geoffrey: I realised that I would indeed gladly die right now, gladly give away all I am, all I ever was, all I’ve done and felt since I was born, for peace-on-earth to be apparent (not even for me but) for everybody. For things to be as they are. And that it would be of no importance at all. No ‘weight’, no drama… just the only thing that made sense, the only sensible thing.
I was walking on a dirt path, in the shadows of the trees, a few hundred meters from home, with a big smile on my face, when everything stopped.
I saw the vortex that is ‘me’ drastically slow down, as it could not move in the overarching stillness, and evaporate, as it had no substance but movement.
Then there was nothing left. And nothing missing. (Geoffrey, Becoming Free Report)
Kuba: Now when I am in no 1 it is like “standing still and watching the dust settle all around” is happening automatically, it is quite incredible because in that place it is like realisations are flying right, left and centre, like ‘I’ am being rapidly unravelled. Then when in no2 it seems like “things are no longer happening”, ‘I’ have halted ‘my’ undoing. This is when I would try to ‘go somewhere’ in that linear fashion and this is where a devolution into no 3 can take place, back to ‘normal’, to the ‘doer’ etc.
All you need is the awareness of minute changes in your diminishment of excellence which will shorten the time of ‘halting’ and then get back on track. Don’t “try to ‘go somewhere’” – just become aware what happened and then again take the foot off the brakes, which you inadvertently/ habitually had put down.
Kuba: So it seems what is required is to find a way to remain in no1 indefinitely, which means finding a way to return there once ‘I’ come in with ‘my’ friction – “a funny feeling in the belly when anxiousness sets in”, hehe it is quite funny that ‘I’ could prevent ‘myself’ from meeting ‘my’ destiny over such a silly thing. (link)
You don’t need to find the way back, you know it already. Occasional jitters are a natural part of the process. Allow the tenderness, it’s sweet and it’s fun, and the already existing perfection will each time become more and more apparent.
Cheers Vineeto