Claudiu: Hi Vineeto,
Vineeto: You say you “suddenly ‘got’ it” that “I will actually do this” … and then proceed with a ‘game’ created by “visions”, “heroically fighting off skeletal monsters with my sword”. I can’t really make sense of it.
Claudiu: It was like I had a feeling of excitement of going on an adventure, the thrill of the adventure of it. Richard wrote: “It is the adventure of a lifetime to embark upon a voyage of exploration and discovery; to not only seek but to find.” I was experiencing it like an exuberant thrill of going on an adventure – which thrill I experienced as visions of “going through a catacomb, heroically fighting off skeletal monsters with my sword”. Maybe it is a male thing, I played a lot of video games as a kid where you control a character doing just that . Srinath wrote this in his report of becoming free: “Richard had said that I needed to want it like nothing before. I pondered on what I had wanted before and recalled a simple childhood memory of being excited about going to the swimming pool when I was about 10 years old. There was this completely sincere and thrilling ‘jumping out of my skin’ desire to get in the pool. I was beginning to feel a similarly sincere thirst for oblivion.”
I experienced it like this level of excitement. I would just say it presented to me as this skeleton-fighting-adventure. It was not that I would be fighting myself to ‘win’ or succeed at this adventure, rather it was the feeling of excitement.
Hi Claudiu,
Thank you for your precise responses on all my questions. I have a much clearer understanding now from your descriptions how you are at present and it all makes sense.
Vineeto: I would have called it resentment rather than full aggression – you were interrupted in your vision-created game of “heroically fighting off skeletal monsters with my sword” and called upon to do something so mundane as moving furniture around.
Claudiu: I see why you read it that way but the situation was a bit different. That vision was brief, then I went to the office to have a meeting, where I had a meeting with that same set of people the day before, but this time it was much more fun, I was being much more naive. When I came home, there was furniture that needed moving. It had needed moving for some weeks, and it was impeding our lives, so I applied my naive exuberance to the task, coaxing the other to get into it by saying well let’s just start by moving this one little piece here… it was proceeding well but then I perceived the other as starting to feel frustrated at the physical movements of it, we weren’t working well together, eventually I felt like the frustration became directed at me rather than the situation, and it ‘got’ to me, I felt bothered, and like it was unfair, here I was applying myself to solve a problem in a fun and naive way, and the response was frustration and annoyance directed at me.
That being said I see resentment is a better descriptor than full aggression. I actually did not realize resentment was on the ‘aggressive’ scale of the instinctual passions … maybe I should have by now?? Lol, woops.
It seems not to matter now because you gained more insight into the aggressive aspect of the instinctual passions. Your co-workers would have also contributed with resentful/ angry vibes to the way you felt.
Vineeto: The passionate energy which can be harnessed could be an increased determination not to chicken out (at least that is what ‘Vineeto’ took away from it).
‘Vineeto’: Besides physical attack, aggression has many more subtle nuances: blaming, resentment, verbal abuse, nagging, boredom, being the victim, arrogance, clever-clever, competition, self-destruction and revenge. I made use of this instinct for becoming free as a bloody-mindedness, persistence, not to ‘let the buggers get me down’ and refusal to run with the crowd. (Actualism, Vineeto, AF List, Alan-b, 30.3.1999 )
Claudiu: Thank you for sharing this experiential report of how to effectively use the passion of aggression. It is well-noted.
You are welcome. Even though the correspondence was from 1999 when ‘Vineeto’ was still in the process of making sense of actualism, it indicates the intent to use, instead of pushing aside, any feeling or passion which arose for the purpose of ‘her’ final goal.
Vineeto: I do wonder – was this an apperceptive seeing or a mere thought – as in “to be or not to be that is the question”? If self-sacrifice is a genuine option, my question is what is stopping you now?
Claudiu: It was such that my experience dramatically transformed to where I was far more aware of and recipient to pure intent, i.e. I had actually experientially turned towards the path of self-sacrifice. And I saw that it was a choice that I can do that! I don’t have to wait for a magic trick to happen or whatnot.
(EDIT: not sure how best to put it but it’s that I instantly became directed “outward” towards actuality and pure intent, rather than remaining where I was and not going in that direction.)
So it’s not that I saw it was a choice I can end it all right now this instant (I don’t see this choice yet) but I saw the choice to go onto the path towards that.
Excellent. Your description that “I was far more aware of and recipient to pure intent” points to it being more of clear seeing rather than a mere thought. I see you are inching forward to make “self-sacrifice” as actual as possible.
Claudiu: What is stopping me now is… naught but the latest objection . Which I do not see clearly yet. However I am getting better at detecting how ‘I’ squirm out of seeing it. And applying bloody-minded stubbornness to see what it is. I see that it’s literally a matter of, I just have to look and see what it is!! Like there’s nothing really special about it. Just actually get to the bottom of it. This is wonderful because my personality naturally gravitates towards really wanting to get to the actual full bottom and understanding of whatever it is. So works out nicely :)) (…)
It appears you have an open question with the potential of giving you the seminal answer.
Claudiu: So far the most stunning thing was in seeing how I am the very source of violence itself!! Like it is where violence comes from. That’s how I felt it at the time – writing it now it’s more accurate to say it’s the source of feelings of aggression and malice rather than physical violence per se. But of course the former begets the latter.
There is indeed no way that I could ever clean myself up enough to ‘remove’ that somehow. I am literally the source of it!! It is me, I am this aggression. What you wrote is very apt:Vineeto: Can you see that what you want is to liberate both others and yourself from this very real and destructive feeling of aggression, not to mention the bad mood it comes with?
This really makes it directly evident how self-immolating is for the benefit not only of this body but every body.
These explorations are very deep! It feels very raw. It is much more passionate than before. It seems I was holding myself back from going to these depths before. That is good, now I know better where the next steps are. Whatever it takes, I will get there. (link)
It is wonderful to read, Claudiu.
Perhaps your last objection will become apparent and disappear upon seeing when you find out (as I said to Kuba (link)) – who or what do you want to give all of ‘yourself’ to? – as an equally open question.
Cheers Vineeto