Claudiu's Journal

[claudiu]

Hi Vineeto,

@Vineeto

Thank you for your detailed response on this crucial issue. This point is important – the fact that you were not in a PCE meant that your experience was not static but dynamic. ‘You’ could keep contemplating ‘your’ objection to irrevocably disappear “in this still, wondrous universe”.

That’s an excellent point that I didn’t consider – that making progress towards self-immolating is done outside of a PCE, as inside a PCE ‘I’ am not there to contemplate ‘my’ objections (although the PCEs serve as the wondrous experiential backbone of all this).

In other words sometimes it comes up that maybe I just have to have ‘faith’ that actual freedom will be wondrous and perfect, as I can’t know until it happens – but then I rememorate the PCE and it’s more that I have confidence that it will be perfect.

That being said as Richard put it one can only be 99% or 99.9% or 99.999% sure – there’s always that little bit. So it does feel like taking a risk and in a sense it is, as indeed I won’t really know until it happens. And that’s where the thrilling aspect comes into play, which you talk about later. But the confidence in the actual world borne of the PCE does allow me to proceed.

@Vineeto

Claudiu: Nevertheless it was along the lines of – irrevocable would mean it is this, forever – it was eminently obvious that this was sensible and what I wanted!

You have made this decision before on the basis that it is the “sensible” thing to do, i.e. you considered it rationally, and yet it has not happened. Something else is required. Being sensible is not all of you. As ‘you’ are your feelings and your feelings are ‘you’ – it appears that your feelings, or some of your feelings are objecting. Thinking sensibly will not give you the “enormous energy” required to make an altruistic sacrifice.

Ok that is a good point and noted.

@Vineeto

Claudiu: The seeing I have no choice but to proceed helped overcome the aversion into looking into the irrevocability more. And then the attraction/ aversion sort of flipped and I instead became feeling averse to not self-immolating, to going ‘back’ to ‘humanity’ and failing ‘for good’. I experience this as sort of a fear or anxiety about moving forward, that flipped into a fear or anxiety about moving back.

Ok, but what can flip once, can flip again. What remained is the feeling of “fear or anxiety”. You reported three days ago –

Claudiu: … and then a most wondrous realization struck, that: I don’t have to be afraid anymore either! Fear is how ‘I’ manifest in order to protect this body. Yet I am not needed to protect this body anymore. This is yet another burden I can lay down!
This relief was felt to be tremendous and I couldn’t even process it all at once. So I kept reflecting and contemplating it and the ramifications of the relief I am still processing. I don’t have to feel fear or be afraid anymore! What a tremendous relief. This fear which I have felt/been my entire life, and caused such problems and discomfort, and has not been fun at all – I can leave it behind just like anything else! (link)

What happened? Obviously not all of your fear had disappeared, or only temporarily.

Yes I was wondering about this also. Fear can’t really disappear until self-immolation can it? You wrote that:

@Vineeto

It also reminds me that when ‘Vineeto’ finally went out from under control, Richard said to ‘her’ ‘she’ was now on the other side of the wall of fear. That was indeed the case, ‘she’ had no more fear, nor any ‘self’-centredness.

Even so ‘Vineeto’ experienced an “out-of-control panic mode” which happened “during the out-from-control virtual freedom” [link] – so ‘she’ did indeed have “more fear” after going out-from-under-control, non?

In any case, indeed all of fear and anxiety borne of fear has not disappeared – during what I reported there I felt relief at realizing I don’t have to feel that way anymore but it did not all disappear. A realization & partial actualization but not a full actualization.

@Vineeto

It appears that your going out from control was not a total giving up of the controls. You retained the control of the last emergency break, just before the crucial final decision.

Isn’t this always the case, until it happens at last? If there was no objection left then it would happen already, wouldn’t it?

@Vineeto

It is not the experience which needs ‘fitting’ “in any way”, but your intent which needs to be reignited in order to initiate the final event. […] I give you a reminder to re-access pure intent, which always is out of reach when anxiety takes centre stage (with its “mooring point” within the human condition) –

I do wonder if the issue is that ‘I’ have attempted to stop ‘my’ life in order to do all ‘I’ can to self-immolate, rather than allow my life to live itself meanwhile doing all ‘I’ can to self-immolate.

In that I’ve shirked my duties at work (I have some considerable flexibility with this regard currently), ordered a lot of take-out food rather than go to the grocery store and prepare my meals, in general not done anything besides sit around and/or walk around contemplating self-immolation. (It should be noted that I’ve gone through periods before of doing the same shirking-work and eating take-out-food so it’s not like it is a ‘new’ phenomenon.)

But as you wrote to Kuba:

@Vineeto

Anything can happen which sets off the spark – something you watch on the news to show you the utter senselessness of what humans to do humans, some drama on TV which reminds you of the ongoing sorrow in every household, an exquisite moment of utter stillness and purity, a perfect experience of delicious intimacy with Sonya, a fun event which indicates what life could be like for everyone, …

Which is all stuff that just happens while living life in the usual way.

To tie it back to what you wrote, it would be allowing pure intent to live my life, which would then set the stage to have that spark be set off. It sounds like a lot more fun than what I have been doing the past few days anyway

@Vineeto

Do you/did you really consider “failing ‘for good’” because of a mere feeling? You can’t be serious!

Well it’s more that what ‘I’ have been doing the past few days does not seem to be fruitful, ‘I’ am trying like all get-out anything ‘I’ can think of and yet no success yet. So will ‘I’ ever succeed? I don’t see why ‘I’ wouldn’t but it won’t happen until it happens. As I’m writing this now however I am seeing this is a rather silly concern.

Cheers,
Claudiu