Claudiu: I was essentially seeing that the reason I felt I had to prove ‘my’ value was to maintain ‘myself’. And I was looking at whether I really have to do that – I mean I knew I didn’t since the goal was to self-immolate, but there was a lot of fear underlying the acceptance of this.
Went for a walk with the dog and was reflecting more on it. Essentially I came to see that what I was wanting to do was to preserve ‘myself’ yet without all these ‘bad parts’ like fear, anxiety, needing to prove ‘myself’, etc. I already knew of course that it is impossible – because ‘I’ am those ‘bad parts’, it’s not that ‘I’ am something that can be pure and that just has ‘bad parts’ that can be removed.
And I felt this was really unfair! Why can’t I preserve myself?
The way I saw it then was really very simple: whether it is fair or unfair, it is the fact of the universe. This is ‘my’ nature – maybe in a cosmic sense it didn’t “have” to be this way, but for a human on this planet, that is how it is. So I can either self-immolate to actually solve the problem of the human condition, or I can remain and continue being the problem and being these bad parts. There is just no way around it. It is a fact just as much as it’s a fact that this body will die one day.
Seeing that it is a fact totally resolved the unfairness feeling – and then I felt relief! I saw it was a relief, because I knew the choice I am making is to do what is of actual benefit to the human species (and it’s wondrous I can do this and contribute to this!) – and so I don’t have to maintain ‘myself’ any longer. This I felt as a wonderful relief.
Further along in the walk I was still feeling fear and anxiety came up, and then a most wondrous realization struck, that: I don’t have to be afraid anymore either! Fear is how ‘I’ manifest in order to protect this body. Yet I am not needed to protect this body anymore. This is yet another burden I can lay down!
This relief was felt to be tremendous and I couldn’t even process it all at once. So I kept reflecting and contemplating it and the ramifications of the relief I am still processing. I don’t have to feel fear or be afraid anymore! What a tremendous relief. This fear which I have felt/been my entire life, and caused such problems and discomfort, and has not been fun at all – I can leave it behind just like anything else!
On many an occasion I experienced myself to be so so very close to the actual world. Like I just have to take a tiny ‘step’ and then I’d be right there! The richness and sweetness, just on the other ‘side’ of… something. I even tried taking a physical step but it didn’t work haha. But moving my hand in front of and behind my head, I was trying to see where does actuality start/ end and where ‘I’ begin/ end… and the border is not clear at all. Walking outside I experienced the stillness, how still actuality really is, and walking along one part of track I experienced myself as somehow a still/ fixed/ unmoving point whilst the body was ambling along – it seemed a bit odd, […]
However it didn’t culminate in self-immolation. I do appear to be on the right track though!
Another funny image that I delighted in, as it was original, is how I was thinking of various conversations and ‘positions’ and ‘worldviews’ I am holding, and I thought how it’s delightful in that I don’t even have to leave a “calling card” as a placeholder for ‘me’ for when I leave (such as for people to be able to find ‘me’ again and resume it), I can just disappear entirely haha (link)
Hi Claudiu,
What a wondrous sequence of events, culminating in the realisation that ‘you’ “don’t have to be afraid anymore” and are no longer needed “in order to protect this body”. And why? Because you resolved the principle of fairness and unfairness by making the deliberate and deeply considered choice “to do what is of actual benefit to the human species”.
It is fascinating to follow this process, it might apply to others, or not – but at the core of it is your choice “to do what is of actual benefit to the human species” – altruism.
This fear of having the responsibility to protect the body is something which, as you say, you “felt/been” your “entire life” and it magically disappeared in one instance after you made the altruistic choice. I am reminded of your second visit when the fear was so dominant that you lost your voice for three days and had to type the words on your computer when you wanted to communicate.
It also reminds me that when ‘Vineeto’ finally went out from under control, Richard said to ‘her’ ‘she’ was now on the other side of the wall of fear. That was indeed the case, ‘she’ had no more fear, nor any ‘self’-centredness.
It is utterly fascinating to follow every single step on your journey of the last days of an ever-diminishing identity, which will soon be no more, without any trace or ashes to rise from.
I much appreciate what you are doing, and meticulously reporting as well.
Cheers Vineeto