Claudiu: And it is so distinct from me wanting the other people to be in a good mood. It isn’t like I was trying to convince them to be, or if someone is down trying to cheer them up. This brings an expectation ‘I’ have for ‘them’ to feel a certain way, and if they don’t it affects & upsets me to a degree. This was, I was not even trying to do anything, it just unfolded this way.
In hindsight I would solidly label this as an intimacy experience, quite wondrous!
Hi Claudiu,
It does remind me of ‘Vineeto’s’ description in ‘her’ period of being out-from-under-control –
‘Vineeto’: The other observation from this period of being out-from-control worth sharing, I was able to make when ‘No. 4[D]’ came for a visit. I remember clearly one day sitting in a circle of 5 friends, utterly relaxed despite the fact that I had never met one of them in person, and I noticed that I had no personal agenda whatsoever, no plan to stir the conversation into a particular direction, nothing to emphasize or hide, no self-centredness or favouritism, no shame, shyness, embarrassment, no power or drive – I was just being myself as I was. I sat in this group, as one of many, and my sole interest was that everyone present (including me as one of those present) enjoyed themselves/ obtained the maximum benefit from our meeting. I experienced myself as being unreservedly at ease and utterly benign and wasn’t driven to say anything unless it contributed to the overall quality of the conversation. (Direct Route, No. 5, 16 Jan 2010)
That’s the very quality of effortlessly not being ‘self’-centred – it is delicious.
Claudiu: It just also goes to show how much even more effective such unplanned interactions would be, with actual Claudiu being the one that is conscious, sans any feeling-being whatsoever
The other wondrous recent insight was in seeing how I am actually not ‘special’ in that I am essentially the same as any other feeling-being out there. In terms of what I am at my core. In other words I don’t have to maintain or hold onto or try to prop up any aspect of myself that would set me apart or above anyone else – because I am the same at core! This is something I can’t change – I can only self-immolate to remedy this situation.
This was seen as an immense relief of a huge burden that I no longer have to maintain myself in all these various small ways. In other words I am free to do anything, and anyone is free to say or think or do whatever in response, and none of it matters in terms of me having to prop myself up or defend myself or do anything. Cause I already know I’m not special, there is nothing I can actually defend to change this fact!
Similar to Kuba also I’m seeing I really do have to take this next step. Even further insights or realizations are no longer sufficient. It’s not about this anymore. It’s about actually taking the last step, for this fundamental change, that is the very best I can do for every body, including this body! (link)
Ha, it gets better every day. This report is wonderful to read.
Most of the stress people generally create for themselves (instinctually and unconsciously) is to hide and/or counteract that they are “essentially the same as any other feeling-being”. And what an “immense relief of a huge burden” it is indeed to know for a fact that “I’m not special”.
I am joyously awaiting your “last step” – ain’t life grand!
Three cheers
Vineeto