Emp: Although the more I look at this the more I see that really this is just a self-centred motivation, fuelled by a fear of being a complete outcast, and furthermore fuelled by the fear of no longer ‘being’ at all.
At least when I explore it myself it’s a sort of bartering, isn’t it? ”Look, ’I’ am useful!”, i.e. ”Please let me stay!”.
I’ve been having this back and forth quite a bit lately. (link)
Hi Emp,
Welcome back. I always read your words with interest.
I remember this bartering – researches on people close to death found five stages happening for most people – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance/Resignation.
Here is a bit of ‘Vineeto’s’ writing on the topic from ‘her’ early days of actualism (1998) you might enjoy –
’Vineeto’: ‘Having decided to go into the face of death, fear arose, big fear. The dormant instinct of survival – now challenged – awoke from sleep and spread fear and doubt all over my body and brain. Everything went on alert to protect what I knew as me. One of those protecting methods was to create doubts, ghosts upon ghosts of doubt. Am I doing the right thing? No one has ever done it before, without going through enlightenment, and won’t I get lost? What if I end up accidentally enlightened? I was dead sure by now that this was a calamity I definitely wanted to avoid. Maybe I am not capable for such an unnatural task? Maybe I am not cleaned up enough and pushing too early? How will I know what is the right direction? And on and on they went in hours of chasing my tail, round in circles without any sensible outcome.
I spent a lot of time in the day to contemplate dying, trying to figure out of what it will consist of, how I will experience it, how it was for Richard. I would call that whole process ‘gathering intent’, adjusting direction, becoming clear that now I was going for the final price. Along with sorting out relationships came hours of deep sorrow, a seemingly endless personal farewell to everything and everyone who I had cherished, held dear, appreciated and felt close to. Well aware that the days of the leisurely ease of virtual freedom lay way behind, with the bridges burnt and no return, now an all-engulfing sadness pervaded me, a bitter-sweet drama that was played out worthy of the supposedly last days of my self. Denial and rejection went hand in hand with ‘pushing the vehicle up the hill’ i.e. contemplating on the extinction of the self. What I found was a repetitive circle of fear – frustration – doubt – fear and the only way out is intent, intent to not stop at second best, whatever happens.
One day, imagining death again, I encountered a rush of glory going all through my belly, filling the chest area and filling my eyes with tears of joy and anticipation. I could see the ‘self’ enjoying the dignity of a willing death, agreeing to the undeniable fact that only the ‘self’ was in the road of experiencing the perfection of the universe. As close as the ‘self’ is able to I stood at the brink of actual freedom. By sheer obvious comparison I had to admit that I would never be able to accomplish or compete with the purity and crystal clear magic of this perfect universe. This glimpse alone was a thousand-fold greater and more magical than any ‘self’ would ever be able to produce, no matter how much I would clean myself up and make myself perfect. This very realization was to be the {temporary} defeat of the ‘self’. But at the same time there was the utter joy and celebration of having seen and experienced what I would be dying for and that it was worth all of ‘me’.” [Emphasis and curly-bracketed insert added] (Exploring Death and ASCs)
Now I know – because it actually happened that way – that apart from overcoming fear and doubt something far more delicious is required – the sweetness of intimacy and a genuine caring to initiate the instinctual passion for group survival and ‘self’-sacrifice.
Richard: I am more making the point that only altruism – self-sacrificial humanitarianism – will provide the enormous energy necessary for ‘self’-immolation … the instinct for individual survival is only exceeded by the instinct for group survival.
It takes a powerful instinct to overcome a powerful instinct. (Richard, List B, No. 39b, 28 Oct 2002a)
Cheers Vineeto
(If you like to have a private conversation about any issues, you are welcome to message me. I know it is often easier to nut out something when you put it in words.)