The insight that when I am anxiously fretting and ruminating on how to proceed to self-immolation, is actually me actively preventing and resisting to self-immolation, is bearing fruit and continues to be confirmed as correct.
(Also it was very helpful to stop thinking of it as parts of me and just own up to the fact that it is all me haha, ty @Vineeto).
It took some time to accept it as it is such a familiar part of me. But, for example, I could not deny that when I was gathering up the rope after climbing a route, and the world was suddenly seen to be actually drenched in perfection and purity, with unimaginably vibrant colors, the rope slithering perfectly into the bag as the hands deftly manipulate it – that no amount of anxious rumination before that actually led to that, and the anxious rumination happening afterwards was clearly not that, and would not lead back to that.
Shortly after the above I wondered, then, what am I to do with all this energy that I am used to using on anxious rumination? And I realized – I could be sensuous! I can use the energy for sensuousness, instead. And so I proceeded to naively be sensous and I saw that I could always be sensuous, because actuality is already always happening anyway – so sensuousness is always possible to be an ‘activity’ that one does, so to speak.
And the benefit was immediately tangible – everything shone into perfect clarity and richness, and it was immensely wondrous and enjoyable to boot!
It led to experiencing such a remarkable and out-of-this-world actuality later whilst driving the car during the golden hour shortly before sunset. All of experience, 100% of it, was unimaginably rich and pure. Everything was happening effortlessly and even the slightest motion or adjustment of the steering wheel was a delight to experience. I literally could not believe how pure and rich experience was… and perfect! The words ran through my head “I can’t believe this is real life” 
.
There is no doubt at all that what I am aiming for is a life to be experienced like that, 24/7, every second of every minute of the day. And no doubt that this is eminently achievable – because actuality is already like that. That is what is already happening, so no effort is needed to produce it. It is accessible at any time, 24/7, because that is how the universe is already functioning. So there is no need to ‘wait’ for it to start doing that, or get the conditions ‘right’, because it’s already happening. All I need to do is allow it to happen.
As I got more tired driving, the experience ended, and I was thrown into an anxiety stronger than I’ve felt in a long while. I didn’t know what to do – trying to be sensuous at that point, was not working anymore. I saw it was a habit but didn’t know how to stop it. It seemed like I was stuck.
I had already recognized earlier that the only actual reliable guiding light that is possible is pure intent. Any relying on ‘me’, on that ruminating me or any other ‘me’, will not work and is not reliable, will not lead me right. But pure intent will. However, pure intent seemed far out of reach, so I was at a loss.
I realized the feeling was similar to what I used to call my experience when I was meditating, a particular phase of it that was called “Desire for Deliverance”. This was supposed to be near the end of a ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ period where the despair increases so much that you just want ‘out’ of it. And of course the meditative answer was essentially to dig yourself deeper into the pit, keep insisting and reinforcing that life is suffering and no self exists, and eventually it gets worse until you ‘break’ and manage to fully dissociate from it all in a phase of Equanimity.
Needless to say I did not want to do that – however I realized something quite funny about it. “Desire for Deliverance” is a very fancy-sounding and lofty phrase, but really what I was actually feeling was simply a desire for “the anxiety” to stop. Once I decontextualized it from some allegedly Noble (but actually Rotten) Spiritual Path, I saw it was a normal human emotion – and that I was already dissociating! Because I had labeled “the anxiety” as something outside of ‘me’ that is happening to ‘me’ that ‘I’ can do nothing about. But really, I was just being anxious!
So rather than try to stop “the anxiety” I reflected on the reality that I was being anxious. Then the next obvious question was: what am I feeling anxious about? And I saw that I was feeling anxious about being uncertain about how to continue towards self-immolation. And that the wondrous and amazingly rich, still, perfect, and rock-solid experience of driving, amounted to showing me that I had been doing it wrong the entire time, by conflating me anxiously ruminating with me making genuine progress towards self-immolation, when in fact it was the opposite!
Just seeing and accepting this was enough for me to stop spinning in anxiety. I reflected on how even if that is completely true and I have been doing it completely wrong, it is ok, it is not “wrong” and nothing to worry about, because now I am on the sensible path, the correct path. And there’s no need to continue doing something wrong just because I did it wrong in the past! That would be really silly.
It was remarkable how much more sensible that approach was than the Spiritual Bypassing approach of just insisting that life is complete suffering, it all sucks, nothing lasts, there is no self anyway and I just have to accept it to transcend it all haha. Instead of all that, I was able to get back to feeling good rather rapidly. I do think that the “Dark Night of the Soul” of the modern-day ‘pragmatic dharma’ movement, probably has nothing to do with whatever it might have meant in Christian or the original Buddhist context, but is just the normal progression of normal human feelings when one is actively trying to suppress and dissociate and drive oneself crazy like all get-out. Kids, don’t do Vipassana Meditation!
With these recent experiences and insights having happened… … onwards! 