Vineeto: And yet this diversional contemplation plus your “deep pang” are indicators that ‘me’ is not yet ready to willingly and gladly abdicate the throne – ‘I’ only admit that “I just want to have done it already and gotten it over with!!” That is still short of “all of ‘me’ on board” as I called it. It is not yet sufficient motivation for decisive and irreversible action.
Claudiu: The repetition was helpful here! I looked into it more and there was indeed more to it, that part of me that admitted that. My initial contemplation that it was silly, was correct, but not that it was resolved, it was not!
It was even more cunning than I thought. So, I saw it was not sincere. ‘Me’ castigating or trying to get another part of ‘me’ to self-immolate, is not sincere, because the implicit presumption in that is… that the ‘castigating’ part is superior, and will remain! So it’s not that I just want to self-immolate, it was really (once the cunning is taken out and made explicit) that I want to fool myself into thinking I self-immolated, so that I (the cunning part) can continue existing (albeit an illusory ‘real’ existence, not an actual one) and not be under scrutiny anymore!
Very remarkably cunning!
Hi @Claudiu,
Perhaps it would make the (already fruitful) investigation easier, if you don’t split yourself into parts – cunning, sincere, deceiving, castigating, etc – but see ‘you’ as a whole, as in ‘I’ am (all) ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’. And then there is pure intent, “a palpable life-force; an actually occurring stream of benevolence and benignity that originates in the vast and utter stillness that is the essential character of the universe itself. Once set in motion, it is no longer a matter of choice: it is an irresistible pull’.”
‘I’ will fight for ‘my’ survival as long as ‘I’ exist – until ‘I’ cannot help but giving up ‘my’ ghost, which is only supported by ‘my’ addiction to being ‘me’ –
RESPONDENT: Upon looking at it further it appears that I am addicted to ‘me’ (suffering) but that I am also addicted to the escapes from the ‘me’.
RICHARD: Okay … is the addiction to being ‘me’ stronger than the addiction to escaping from being ‘me’?
I only ask because if the addiction to being ‘me’ is the more powerful addiction then successful escape is the last thing ‘I’ am looking for (and thus ‘I’ will keep on re-treading the known path, the familiar path, the path that does not deliver the goods).
Whereas if the addiction to escaping is the more powerful addiction then successful escape can (and will) happen. (Richard, List B, No. 39b, 1 Nov 2002)
RESPONDENT: You are making a distinction between ‘I/me’ eliminating itself and it being done altruistically.
RICHARD: No, I am more making the point that only altruism – self-sacrificial humanitarianism – will provide the enormous energy necessary for ‘self’-immolation … the instinct for individual survival is only exceeded by the instinct for group survival. It takes a powerful instinct to overcome a powerful instinct.
RESPONDENT: I understand this intellectually but I don’t really feel it. If ‘I’ do it for this body it will help everybody but it feels like I want to do it for selfish reasons. You seem to be saying that it can only be done altruistically and I don’t feel altruistic about it.
RICHARD: Properly speaking the word ‘altruistic’ is not a word for a feeling but a word for behaviour or action that benefits others at the expense of self (altruism is the very antithesis of selfism), such as fighting to the death to protect the young, defend the group or secure the territory, and as such could evoke any number of feelings … such as fear, thrill, courage, excitement, exhilaration, euphoria and so on. (Richard, List B, No. 39b, 1 Nov 2002a)
Claudiu: I dug into it more and found a, or maybe the, core part of me, which basically amounts to ‘me’ being ultimately superior! Like I place myself above everyone and everything else, I am the most important thing to myself. Richard was right when he said that ‘I’ am what ‘I’ hold most dear. I don’t think this is even a superiority complex, I think it is just how the human psyche is set up.
And now that I let myself feel and see this, I was wondering how to get this part of me fully on board with self-immolating? I couldn’t figure it out. I made a big breakthrough when I was thinking about how it’s a choice, between continuing to be that ‘me’ that feels to be so superior and central to everything, or the purity and perfection, and continuing to be ‘me’ is choosing ‘me’ and rejecting the perfection, and… it just instantly became shockingly funny at how bad a choice that was! Haha. Like “Wow that is a really bad choice”.
Ha, that is a great find and yes, this is “how the human psyche is set up”. There is nothing like finding the ridiculousness of a conviction to destroy its credibility.
Yet sorting out what is silly and what is sensible cannot be your only tool because ‘I’, “a lost, lonely, frightened and very, very cunning entity” fighting for ‘my’ survival am able to create untold amounts of puzzles for ‘me’ to sort out (ask Kuba 
). Something which can exceed the fighting for ‘your’ survival is required, and the only action, which can do this needs be galvanized by “the instinct for group survival” (see Richard’s quote above).
Claudiu: And as I thought it out more, it’s that it would be a bad choice because I so obviously am not perfect, am far from it. This belief that I am superior, is a belief, the facts show otherwise, readily and easily so, with many examples.
So I am contemplating on how the purity and perfection of the actual world is far superior to ‘me’.
I haven’t fully resolved it yet, but this appears to be a big one! What I also realized is that I think the part of ‘me’ that I was feeling coming up after that shift, is the part of me that is wanting to prevent self-immolation! And I saw that the part of me always ruminating and wondering how to proceed, there is a genuine, out-from-control aspect of that that happens, but then there’s a sort of ‘central-feeling’ one where ‘I’ am wondering about it, and this actually appears to not be sincere! It is related to the part of ‘me’ that’s looking to prevent self-immolation! Preventing self-immolation while pretending to be wondering how to proceed haha. Very tricky indeed.
Isn’t it amazing and wonderful how sincere contemplation will reveal the short-comings and trickiness of the instinctual identity compared to the purity of actuality, which you know by experience delivers the longed-for peace-on-earth –
Geoffrey: “I realised that I would indeed gladly die right now, gladly give away all I am, all I ever was, all I’ve done and felt since I was born, for peace-on-earth to be apparent (not even for me but) for everybody.” [emphasis added]. (link)
Claudiu: And when I saw this I was a bit flummoxed and at a loss, like, how do I proceed if this part of me I thought was helping is actually hindering? But the answer came soon, which is that I found that when I minimized and didn’t fuel the insincere part, I found progress happening anyway, continuing to make genuine progress and sincerely contemplating. In other words, I am drawn to a flame, and this part of ‘me’ I thought I needed, actually is just hindering now (and maybe always was? or maybe was helpful at some point. not really sure).
Ha, ‘Vineeto’ after discovering each of ‘her’ tricks called them “another furphy”, nowadays they are politely called “misinformation”. It’s very useful to find out that your supposed ‘ally’ is actually your opponent in disguise.
Claudiu: Anyway this is where things are at the moment!
I much appreciate your detailed account, which can also be very instructive to plum the depth of cunningness for those who are ready to inquire into their own psyche. Viz:
Richard: Wherever there be no underestimating the extent to which a lost, lonely, frightened and very, very cunning feeling-being will go in order to remain affectively-psychically in existence – millions upon millions of years of blind nature’s successful perpetuation of the species via its rough-and-ready instinctual survival passions blindly dictates no other course of action can ever instinctually come about – is where there be far less likelihood of ascribing to nescience that which quite properly has its roots in the visceral wiliness of the wild which has so successfully proliferated the species thus far.
It is no-one’s fault if they be more cunning – more instinctively wily – than the norm as it is genetic inheritance which determines the degree to which instinctual drives, urges, impulses, appetites, and all the rest, are operating.
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’Tis no little thing what we are doing here on this forum – the implications and ramifications stemming from actively participating in this pioneering enterprise are truly enormous – and I am well-pleased to see the vitalising pioneer-spirit, which has brought the human race thus far, is not only still alive and well but, arguably, operating and functioning even better than ever! (Richard, List D, Alan, Footnote)
What a grand adventure!
Cheers Vineeto