So I have been having fun investigating self esteem / self worth. I can see this aspect of the human condition is what underpins most of the themes which remain. The archetype which I can narrow the thing down to is one of the ‘messiah’. This is the ‘key’ which ‘I’ use to enter and to seek safety in the various ‘groups’. Essentially ‘I’ am constantly driven to achieve and succeed, to mine these ‘golden nuggets’ which ‘I’ can then trade with ‘humanity’ in exchange for a feeling of belonging.
This desperate need to belong however is a beast that needs to be fed over and over, it never rests. Which means ‘I’ lock ‘myself’ in the never ending pursuit for the next ‘golden nugget’. This archetype of the ‘messiah’ is a tricky one to see for what it is, because this desperate need for a feeling of validation is masked by ‘doing good for others’ or ‘seeking excellence to uplift others’.
It’s like ‘I’ want to be Jesus, bringing light to those below ‘me’ and in doing so solidify ‘my’ place in the group forever, ‘I’ will then be forever needed.
But this set up is rotten in many ways, firstly ‘I’ am chained by ‘my’ obligation to continue bringing light to others, to continue living up to this identity of ‘messiah’. In seeking self esteem / self worth ‘I’ stand in the way of that which is genuine. Secondly this structure inevitably gets in the way of equity and parity, ‘I’ cannot help but despise those ‘below me’ to whom ‘I’ am bringing the light. Not only because they were not capable of doing it themselves but also because ‘I’ am forever obligated to assist them, this burden ‘I’ choose to carry in exchange for ‘my’ place in the group.
The funny thing is that I never wanted any of this, it is just that somehow I only saw 2 options, to be a ‘nobody’ - to disappear in the ‘sea of others’ OR to fabricate a place for ‘myself’ in the group, to ensure that ‘I’ am recognised by the group by attaining some special status. Yet being special ultimately ends in aloneness, even if ‘I’ succeed in climbing to the very top of that ladder.
The thing which I always wanted deep down was to be free to be me as I am, to be genuine, to be original and to be authentic. In short to exist completely outside of this structure of the ‘group’, of belonging, of identity etc.
So @jamesjjoo it looks like you were onto something in your posts to me recently, there was indeed this pesky aspect of social identity which remained. It is funny writing this out because it becomes immediately apparent how silly it all is. Do ‘I’ seriously hold ‘myself’ as some ‘messiah’? So what do ‘I’ truly think of other human beings then? It can’t be that ‘I’ hold them in equity and parity for sure.
Furthermore I can see that this psychic/psychological creation called ‘the group’ is a projection in itself, it has no existence outside of the psyche. It is an archetype bestowed by blind nature and made sophisticated by ‘human wisdom’. To see ‘groups’ and to fit into those ‘groups’, then to seek safety within those ‘groups’.
Which means that as a ‘group member’ ‘I’ am forever bound to continue distinguishing ‘myself’ from others in the ‘group’, thus locking ‘me’ into the values and beliefs of the ‘group’.
Furthermore ‘I’ am inevitably wired to fight others in the ‘group’ to protect ‘my’ position and thus ensure ‘my’ safety.
Then on top of this ‘I’ am wired to see ‘other groups’ and continue playing out that same game but just on a different scale.
Now the truly rotten thing is that none of this is actual, so it is all over nothing.
So ‘I’ have been keen to find that something ultimately precious which ‘I’ will be willing to give up ‘myself’ for. This seems to be in the right direction, the freedom to be me as I am for one and all.