The repetition was helpful here! I looked into it more and there was indeed more to it, that part of me that admitted that. My initial contemplation that it was silly, was correct, but not that it was resolved, it was not!
It was even more cunning than I thought. So, I saw it was not sincere. ‘Me’ castigating or trying to get another part of ‘me’ to self-immolate, is not sincere, because the implicit presumption in that is… that the ‘castigating’ part is superior, and will remain! So it’s not that I just want to self-immolate, it was really (once the cunning is taken out and made explicit) that I want to fool myself into thinking I self-immolated, so that I (the cunning part) can continue existing (albeit an illusory ‘real’ existence, not an actual one) and not be under scrutiny anymore!
Very remarkably cunning!
I dug into it more and found a, or maybe the, core part of me, which basically amounts to ‘me’ being ultimately superior! Like I place myself above everyone and everything else, I am the most important thing to myself. Richard was right when he said that ‘I’ am what ‘I’ hold most dear. I don’t think this is even a superiority complex, I think it is just how the human psyche is set up.
And now that I let myself feel and see this, I was wondering how to get this part of me fully on board with self-immolating? I couldn’t figure it out. I made a big breakthrough when I was thinking about how it’s a choice, between continuing to be that ‘me’ that feels to be so superior and central to everything, or the purity and perfection, and continuing to be ‘me’ is choosing ‘me’ and rejecting the perfection, and… it just instantly became shockingly funny at how bad a choice that was! Haha. Like “Wow that is a really bad choice”.
And as I thought it out more, it’s that it would be a bad choice because I so obviously am not perfect, am far from it. This belief that I am superior, is a belief, the facts show otherwise, readily and easily so, with many examples.
So I am contemplating on how the purity and perfection of the actual world is far superior to ‘me’.
I haven’t fully resolved it yet, but this appears to be a big one! What I also realized is that I think the part of ‘me’ that I was feeling coming up after that shift, is the part of me that is wanting to prevent self-immolation! And I saw that the part of me always ruminating and wondering how to proceed, there is a genuine, out-from-control aspect of that that happens, but then there’s a sort of ‘central-feeling’ one where ‘I’ am wondering about it, and this actually appears to not be sincere! It is related to the part of ‘me’ that’s looking to prevent self-immolation! Preventing self-immolation while pretending to be wondering how to proceed haha. Very tricky indeed.
And when I saw this I was a bit flummoxed and at a loss, like, how do I proceed if this part of me I thought was helping is actually hindering? But the answer came soon, which is that I found that when I minimized and didn’t fuel the insincere part, I found progress happening anyway, continuing to make genuine progress and sincerely contemplating. In other words, I am drawn to a flame, and this part of ‘me’ i thought I needed, actually is just hindering now (and maybe always was? or maybe was helpful at some point. not really sure)
Anyway this is where things are at at the moment!