Claudiu's Journal

[claudiu]

Hi Vineeto,

Just wanted to say I found the following of what you’ve written recently very relevant and apt (emphases added):

@Vineeto

I also know, whenever Richard said or wrote on the mailing list that “in the end there is only procrastination”, ‘Vineeto’ cringed. It was so undeniable, and yet ‘she’ didn’t know how to stop procrastinating.

The reason I wrote the above sentence “this is a copout” is because it may be beneficial to recognize and acknowledge the fact, even though seeing it may be cringe-worthy because eventually, as Richard says “in the freedom of seeing the fact there is only action.” (link)

@Vineeto

This clear labelling had an impact on the feeling-being because eventually feeling-being ‘Vineeto’ felt more and more that ‘she’ was indeed redundant, in fact rotten, and it was a shame and somewhat unbelievable ‘she’ was still holding onto ‘her’ existence. And this in turn brought to the surface the originally-dormant yearning for oblivion in the feeling-being itself – which all supported the aim of becoming actually free as soon as possible.

@Vineeto

The reward ‘you’ get will be blessed oblivion, a yearning that ‘Vineeto’ found to become stronger the closer ‘she’ felt to ‘her’ goal. Once ‘I’ knew the alternative, from my PCEs, ‘my’ existence was more and more exposed to be a burden, burdened with covering up to be a fraud and guilty for existing in the first place (apart from having a great time though).

I can relate to these feelings of cringing, recognizing I am rotten, appalled that I am still holding on to my existence, feeling guilty of it as well – it is nice to see ‘Vineeto’ experienced these same things and I can very much see how these feelings all point to me being a burden which it is in my self-interest (as a feeling-being) to no longer be… in other words aligning myself with the goal of self-immolation

What is undeniably clear, and has been constantly clear since going out-from-control, is that I won’t stop until I have a life that is perfectly clean, clear, and pristine… and thus these feelings of guilt and fraud are incompatible with that goal… and the answer of course isn’t to cover up the feelings or hide from them, but rather acknowledge what they are pointing at – that I am a burden and a fraud and it would be better if I didn’t exist – and then do whatever I can to make that happen

Cheers,
Claudiu